Rabbit Hole
by profmom72
Summary: Edward leaves Bella before revealing the Cullens are vampires. Bella’s curiosity gets the best of her, and she spends years chasing her suspicions, drawing attention from dangerous sources. Can Bella be saved from the Rabbit Hole she’s fallen into? AU
1. Prologue

_Summary: Edward leaves Bella in Forks before revealing that he and his family are vampires. Bella's curiosity gets the best of her, and she spends years researching her theories and suspicions about Edward and his kind, drawing attention from unwanted and dangerous sources. Can Edward find a way to save Bella from the Rabbit Hole she's fallen into? AU_

**A/N: With tremendous trepidation, I step over into the world of vamp AU. I am humbled and inspired by the amazing work of so many that I needed an awful lot of pushing to put this out there. **

**Here's a snippet to get your started.**

**The characters belong to someone else.**

**Rabbit Hole –Prologue **

**EPOV**

"You can't take this on by yourself, Edward," Esme noted quietly.

"I have to."

"Don't be so noble. It's one little human after all." Rosalie's tone bit.

"But it's my fault."

"So what?" She said rolling her eyes. "Unless this is really about your dick."

Her voice dripped with indignation and smugness. A slight smirk spread at the corners of her mouth.

"Fuck you, Rosalie. And leave my dick out of it."

She raised an eyebrow, letting one thought escape, _"Oh please. As if that's what you really want."_

I glared back at her for a second, saying nothing and everything at the same time. With a sizeable breath, I turned to face the others.

"I can't live with myself if I do nothing."

"You're not living now. What's the difference?" Rosalie spat back at me.

"_Edward, tell her,"_ Alice urged, but not out loud, so I only I could hear.

I looked away, trying to drown out every thought in their heads with the one that was driving me now.

"_It's the only way to make them understand,"_ she pleaded again.

I responded with a whisper. It wouldn't have been audible to a human.

"I love her."

She'd gone down the rabbit hole. And I was responsible. She'd jumped in to find me. I knew that now. I'd watched her meandering through the maze of tunnels for years, yet I hadn't stopped her or done anything to try to pull her out. Now she was stuck without an exit. And she hadn't even figured it out yet. She was trapped, and any hope of getting her out alive was rapidly fading.

"That does change things, doesn't it?" Esme acknowledged. She tried to remain calm, but she was also excited. She had started to worry that I was incapable of falling in love. That my first foray into the emotion was so wrought with complication tempered her excitement with sadness and caution. She wanted to leap up and hug me in joy and in comfort. A small knowing smile served as a welcome substitute.

I heard Carlisle processing, frozen in his calculations. Jasper was pained. Too many emotions. The angst was killing him. He'd tried three times to send out some sort of calming vibe, but they'd all dissipated among the veil of fear, loathing, and concern.

"How? Does love make it right for him to endanger all of us?" Rosalie seethed. "This cannot end well. We need to get the hell out of here and hope no one ever connects us. This is the Volturi we're talking about!"

No one verbalized, but I could hear the competing sentiments battling it out in their minds. They understood my position, but they weren't immune to Rosalie's argument either. The voice that broke the silent arguing surprised me.

"Rose, would you go if it were me?" Emmett asked softly.

"It's not the same. He doesn't have a clue what love is," Rosalie cracked. That put me over the edge.

"The hell I don't!" I roared.

Jasper stood up from his spot on the couch. "I'm sorry. I can't be here right now."

No parting glances or words of encouragement. He was just gone. Alice was immobilized. Torn between wanting to support me and needing to follow Jasper. And I became aware that for each of them, their support for me was running up against the biggest, most indestructible wall of all—their love for each other, as a family, but as romantic partners especially. They were lucky. For them, lover and family resulted in the same outcome. Run and hide. Protect yourself.

I didn't have it so easy. Lines were clearly drawn in my battle. Which "us" to choose? My family? My love? A love I shouldn't want and most definitely didn't deserve. A love that had pushed me away. A love I had failed.

And I knew at that moment there were no decisions left to be made. I had no choice where she was concerned. I looked at each of the faces in the room, hoping it wouldn't be the last time I saw them.

"I'll find a way to keep you all out of it," I pledged.

And I made my way to the front door with the voices of my family shouting at me, though no one said a word.

"_Don't go."_

"_Serves you right if something happens, idiot." _But she couldn't hide the other images that flooded her psyche.

I blinked them away and the other voices hit me.

"_I'll miss you."_

"_Be careful, man."_

"_Edward, I wish there were more we could do."_

I had to tune them out. All of them. I had digging to do. A lot of digging.

**E/N: Like I said, short snippet. The majority of the story will be told from EPOV (because I love him), but starting with the next chapter, we'll hear Bella's voice in the form of a blog she's writing. After that, Edward will take us back to the beginning of their relationship.**

**Now for the thank you note. First off, nothing is possible without HMonster4. She's so much more than a beta. And there is no way I would consider writing this without her encouragement and supporting. Next, I bounced the idea off a few people, but JAustenlover gave me a second set of eyes into the story, the summary, and she seems to have taken up post as my cheerleader. She's going to hold my hand and sit by me in the cafeteria in this new AU world. Finally, Lucette21, the original BATgirl has listened to me prattle on about the story and helped me with graphics.**

**I'll pop the next chapter up in a few days, but then it will mostly be once a week updates so I don't try to kill myself with fic and real life academic writing this summer. **

**Now, feel free to hit the review button to tell me what you think. What is up with Rosalie's attitude?**


	2. Bella's Blog 4809

**A/N: THANK YOU! To everyone who reviewed my little prologue. I am tickled people liked the premise. I hope you remain intrigued.**

**The blog chapters will always be shorter.**

**These characters belong to someone else.**

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_April 8__th__, 2009_

I'm sorry this entry is late. Things have been a little crazy lately. More than crazy really. I don't know. Everything has sort of spiraled out of my control.

I shouldn't be here right now, but I have a few things I need to say. If I seem out of sorts today, just bear with me. I haven't slept in a while.

When I started this blog, I didn't really think anyone would read it beyond the five people I talk to at conferences, and maybe a few derelicts who managed to come across it in a search engine. I have a soft spot for the internet freaks. I am one of you. I just hope sharing with you all wasn't a mistake. I now know there is such a thing as being too curious.

In the beginning, I know I said that my goal was to create awareness, to really open up the vampire world. And it was . . . is. But if I'm being honest with myself I always wondered if maybe it would be a way to reach out into the vampire community. I was kind of tired of hanging around dark alleys hoping to find one.

Of course, I knew that the one I wanted to find would never be there anyway. I've talked about him a lot, but I never admitted the hold he had on me. It doesn't really matter anymore though because what I'm dealing with is so far removed from my initial purpose.

So, I'll shut up on that subject, except to say my life was fucked from the minute I met him. Delusional and naïve, I jumped into the pool before noticing there was no water. I've been paralyzed ever since, unable to walk away. Though I couldn't move forward, I didn't stay immobile. Unfortunately, the only place I went was down.

But things are different now, and I wish I had heeded the advice others gave me years ago because I fear that someone else may now end up in my position, and trust me. You do not want to be here.

I spent a lot of years with people thinking I was crazy. Literally. Even family members. I had all the proof I needed, but I was never able to offer them anything concrete. And I suppose it would be insane to anyone else, so I don't know how I got so lucky to have so many of you here believing me, but thank you. You've meant a great deal to me in the past six months especially.

I can't say how much longer I'll be writing, so I wanted to take a minute to address a few things.

Many of you have been writing into tell me you suspect others around you are vampires. Please remember the following for your own safety:

(1) Most vampires do not attempt to develop relationships with humans, as the bloodlust would be too strong unless they were used to abstinence. There are some exceptions to this. I have heard rumors of succubus and even incubus who are able to engage in sexual intercourse with their victims. In the end, most of these encounters end in death. Whether that is to ease the pain of the victim, part of the excitement of the predator, or because they are simply overcome in the moment, I don't know.

In any case, lots of people may have cold hands and pale skin. So you could just be dealing with someone who has poor circulation. You never know. Try not to overreact to every person you meet. Because human/vampire relationships are so rare, it's really quite unlikely that you actually know a vampire. Be grateful for that.

(2) If you really do suspect a vampire, be careful. I think maybe I haven't been strong enough in warning you all. It is so easy to forget. I do it all the time. You don't know their motivation. I suppose because the first vampires I met were unique, I may not have understood the danger myself.

My eyes are wide open now. There really are only two motivations for a vampire to initiate or engage in human interaction.

Predatory vampires can and will kill instantly. Honestly, if you are a target, I doubt you have any hope for survival. It is little solace, but though clearly painful, the process is apparently quick.

It's been my understanding for some time that changing a human to a vampire is not an easy task for a blood thirsty vampire, but it's possible that could be a motivation as well.

Your best bet is to avoid contact. There is very little to be gained from a relationship with vampires. What are the potential outcomes?

Death?

Befriending someone who wants nothing more than to kill you?

Growing old next to a lover who will never age?

Being changed into a vampire and living forever?

I'm not a relational expert, but the first two seem like awfully bad foundations. I might have once been willing to believe that the other two were acceptable.

Everything I used to believe is crumbling now

I dreamed of living forever. I wanted it, but only because it meant being with him for eternity. Others might be attracted to the potential power, attaining immeasurable beauty, or simply avoiding death. I understand the draw. I really do, and I don't know how to tell you those things aren't worth it. Go back and read my entries about immortality. I know I've talked about this before. If you've believed anything I've written here, just trust this too. I have this song playing over and over in my head. "Save your soul before you're too far gone."

I wish I had.

I can't wish you happy hunting anymore, so I'll end with this:

Enjoy life.

XXX

_Edward—Present Day_

The mix of desperation, fear, anger, and loss reached out from the computer screen and punched me in the face. I hadn't experienced much physical pain in the past eighty odd years, but this was more than the sting of a light slap. The hit was jarring.

It was all my fault. I accepted the blame easily, but it didn't change anything. I'd read every entry countless times searching for hidden information; each just as fruitless as the last, but I would try again. I would start with the first, looking for any clues, any subtle hints. I doubted many others who read that blog had inferred as much meaning. Maybe they started to second guess it when they didn't have an update in a couple of weeks. No responses to their comments, no links, pictures, or additional entries. Perhaps, the day they clicked on the link in their "favorites" only to discover the site no longer existed, they began to take her warning seriously. No goodbye. She was just gone.

I had saved the entire blog to my hard drive, fearing it would eventually be deleted.

After I left my family, I'd returned to her apartment. The argument was fresh on my mind, but in the end, it had solidified my position. Each of them would choose love. Now that I realized what I felt for Bella, I would too.

I thought perhaps a pass through her things would yield more information, more clues, more of anything to tell me how to find her. I'd only been inside one other time, when I'd issued my unsuccessful warning. But I'd missed nothing.

At this point, there was only one place I could get answers, so I settled into my seat on the plane. Normally, flights revolted me. Too many people in too packed a space. Between the scents and the thoughts, I preferred to run or drive. I didn't have time to swim the ocean though.

I only had three things left: the blog archive, a tattered notebook I'd salvaged from her apartment, and my own memories.

Despite being intimately familiar with each blog entry I had nowhere else to turn, so I would try one more time to read between the lines.

As I clicked on the inaugural entry in her blog, I let myself remember an earlier beginning. Our beginning. I never believed in regret before. If I could go back, it would be so simple. I wouldn't fight it this time. I thought I was doing the right thing. I wondered what would have happened if I'd just given in. After all the waiting and wanting, what if I'd just let myself fall?

**E/N: My dear Lucette21 started a Twilighted thread for Rabbit Hole, and the link is on my profile, so come chat if you'd like. Thanks as always to hmonster4. And once again to JAusten as this was part of her sneak peek package.**

**Now, we will see entries of Bella's Blog every couple of chapters, but they will not follow a particular chronology, they will be thematic. This was her last entry before the prologue. We now go backward in time to learn all about Edward and to follow the story chronologically. He is one very bored vampire.**

**So, any suspicions yet? How did Bella learn what she has about vampires? Where did she disappear to? It's going to be a long time until we get those answers, but enjoy the speculation. Leave a review, and I'm happy to drop you a tease.**


	3. Opening

**A/N: Quick recap of future happenings: Bella is missing. Edward left his family to find her. He's on a plane to somewhere. **

**Now, we go back to the beginning. Before the beginning actually. Just before he met Bella. We lay the foundation for all the decisions that get made later on.**

**I don't own the characters.**

Chapter One: Opening

**EPOV**

"_Well, what do you think?" Carlisle asked._

"_She's gorgeous." I had fallen in love instantly. Even her name called to me. I couldn't have envisioned anything more lovely. "Pure perfection."_

"_You deserve it, Edward."_

_I reached out my hand to touch her, sliding along her delicate curves, marveling at the way she purred. My mouth slid into an uneven smile. She may have stolen my heart, but I knew she needed me too._

"_You were so right, Carlisle. I do feel better already."_

In 1920, I bought my first car, a Rolls Royce Silver Ghost. Technically, Carlisle bought the automobile, but she was all mine. I respected her. I took care of her. I nursed her well into her old age. She was the closest I had ever come to true love in 108 years on this planet.

I've tried. I chase that spark with each new car I buy. I seek her simplicity, her tenacity, her beauty, and even her innocence.

It was probably no great surprise that Rosalie and I were the car tinkerers in the family. Emmett knew his way around the garage, but it wasn't his passion. He just liked to see Rosalie bent over the grill, loose hair caressing the grease stains on her face, her rear end wiggling behind her as she adjusted a valve.

Apart from our devotion to the family, our love of cars was probably the only thing Rosalie and I had in common. We spent countless afternoons working silently side by side.

Considering how I described my relationship with my Silver Ghost, the appeal for Rosalie was obvious.

What else could she nurture? Vampires who fed off animals couldn't exactly keep a pet.

Esme's garden was far too delicate for Rosalie; she needed a baby who roared to life, one that took her aggression and responded in kind. Steel and leather had a longer life span than plants too. Esme always had to leave her flowers behind.

I wasn't looking for a child; I had another relationship in mind. Cars were ideal partners. They needed someone to turn the key, to press the pedals, to make them go. But in return, they gave freedom and power.

I'd never found that kind of give and take with a woman.

"You know why you like cars more than women, don't you Edward?" Emmett asked one day while we were out hunting.

"No, Emmett, but I'm sure you're going to inform me." I continued scanning the forest for signs of life, avoiding eye contact with my brother.

"Yeah well, someone's got to know more than you do. Anyway, you can't control a woman, a good woman anyway, like you can a car. You're too much of a control freak."

At that time, I rammed him up against a tree, and we had rather childish but steam relieving brawl, which drove any potential prey away.

"It's not my fault you can't control Rosalie, Emmett."

"Wouldn't want to, Edward. They're a lot more fun when they're untamed. Why do you think you like the fast cars best?"

He might have been on to something.

The Silver Ghost had been a gift of sorts, signaling the start of a new life. For a year and half, I'd been a raging newborn vampire, unable to handle the presence of humans. We'd left my hometown of Chicago for a more remote location in Northern Canada. It made the hunt was easier, and seclusion was acceptable there. Carlisle trained me, and he attempted to comfort me.

There was some strain in the early months. His guilt about changing me sometimes overwhelmed him. In the beginning, I may have cultivated it. After all, in the quietest times of day, I wished he had let me die with my parents. Incapable of predicting any possible happily ever after.

My ability to read minds was both a blessing and curse.

Knowing his mind the way I did, being able to hear the sincerity and purity of his thoughts probably saved me from destroying him when I woke from my three day journey through Hell. Which is why I began to let him off the hook, to open up to his way of living.

On the other hand, it was easy to stagnate in a relationship when there was nothing you needed to learn about the other person. It made it difficult for me to ever be an equal to anyone again.

After a year and a half, my control had improved to the point he thought me capable of human interaction. I embraced it. I thought I would finally feel normal again. I looked forward to donning suits and having women giggle as I passed. I envisioned tipping my hat toward them as they shyly looked away with their hands over their mouths.

I had just been growing into my looks as a human. I had only kissed one girl, and I couldn't even remember her name. I knew that I had no future with any of the human girls, but simply having the ability to cause a reaction that hadn't been there before was one small benefit to my new "life."

But the normalcy never really came. Unfortunately, my "gift," as Carlisle liked to call it, was difficult to control once I was in the presence of so many people.

We'd worked diligently on reigning in my bloodlust, but had completely discounted how my head would spin when bombarded with tens or hundreds of voices at one time. I would answer questions asked by people in other rooms, and I'd miss those posed directly to my face. People thought me insane. And I wasn't sure I disagreed with them.

We had to go back to the drawing board, slowly building a tolerance.

I'd barely managed a semblance of control when everything turned upside down once again. In the next year, Carlisle found and turned Esme. He'd acted in the heat of the moment. While she lay writhing in pain, he explained his history with her.

"I had to, Edward." _I love her. I have loved her for a long time._

And I knew. Of course, I did. I'd already heard it in his head. But he expounded anyway. Needing to justify the disruption of the relative calm we'd established.

"I first met her when I was working around Columbus. She'd broken a leg while climbing a tree. At sixteen. Who does that? It intrigued me. But it was more than that. She was so gentle, and I couldn't help but think . . . If only . . . In all of these years, I'd never really felt that way about a human, or another vampire for that matter. Certainly, there was no way for us to work. I had to leave. It was incredibly difficult to walk away . . . you can't imagine . . . but I didn't see what other choice I had. That was when I went to Chicago, as you know. "

He paused, contemplating. I wondered if he regretted what had come next. Did he wish he'd never found me, that he'd waited for Esme instead? I wasn't willing to ask the question, so I said nothing.

"I can't help but believe some sort of fate is at work here. To find her a second time, in this state. It fits. It simply has to. We were all meant to be together, Edward. Maybe there is hope for happiness in this cursed life we lead."

I smiled weakly, grateful he didn't possess my "gift." I'd been turned at seventeen, and hadn't lived enough to mature much beyond. Like a typical teenager, I couldn't see past how this affected me. All of the plans I had now that both my thirst and my mind were in check were suddenly out the window.

Once again we fled civilization to train a newborn.

For the two of them, her birth into the family signaled a completion of spirit. It made me a third wheel. I was an interrupter of intimate moments between lovers. A son instead of a brother or friend in drama we created. Decision making was no longer just between Carlisle and me. Esme now had a voice, and in time we added Rosalie and Emmett. And still later Alice and Jasper. More of us meant strength in numbers; it meant always having someone with whom to talk; it meant more laughter. But it also meant never having quiet in my head; it meant never really getting my way.

It also highlighted my solitude. The more members we added, the more alone I felt.

Too many years have passed to remember every detail.

Today, it came down to one thing. I was bored. Insufferably bored. With Forks, the town I lived in, yes. But it was more than that. People longed for immortality as much as, perhaps more than, fame and money. What they didn't know is that eventually, there was nothing new to learn. Everything repeated itself.

I go round and round on this carousel. Each pass is the same. The same faces, the same buildings, the same sounds.

The only thing that changes is the weather. And in a place like Forks, even that is consistent.

What I wouldn't give for a turn on the roller coaster instead.

We'd been here for two years, and if everyone else in my family had their way, we'd ride out this locale as long as we could. The longest we've stayed in one place was eight years.

At least in that time I was able to graduate both high school and college and even attempt work.

I liked work. I wouldn't want to do it for fifty years or anything, but it filled time.

I'd worked a few times. Over the years, I'd worked nights at a factory, taught piano at a conservatory, and played in a symphony.

I was always in the minority when it came to family decisions though. I would have preferred to move more frequently, shake things up more often. At least as long as we attempted to pass as human.

I actually argued we'd be better off secluding ourselves rather than trying to hide who we were. I typically failed to understand the point of interacting with humans if all we were destined to do was repeat the most miserable aspect of human existence. How many people would truly choose to re-live high school for eternity?

When I questioned it, my concerns were always hushed.

"Edward is brooding again," Rosalie chided. "Poor baby is bored." She always goaded me the most. We'd lived in this family together long enough to know that we'd do anything protect the other, but our relationship was . . . complicated. I knew the source of her animosity dwelled in events nearly seventy five years past, but some things you never out live.

"Now, now, Rosalie," Carlisle responded. "It's different for Edward."

They all looked at me with some sort of pity. I loathed it. Because I didn't have a mate, they felt sorry for me. They'd tried to explain to me that it gave their relationship more consistency and credibility if we were in a place for a longer period of time. They could be themselves more. There could outwardly manifest their romantic relationship. I understood that. But then, I wondered why we didn't just live in the middle of nowhere, far away from the judgmental eye of humans.

I knew the answer to that, of course. Carlisle. He was the exception. He worked. He made a difference. He had a purpose. Medicine was his calling. A vampire who gave more to society than he took. Maybe the first in history.

This was the interesting thing about most vampires; they didn't sit around and contemplate the meaning of life. There was only one purpose: the hunt.

My family and the few I knew who abstained from human blood apparently drew purpose from their relationships with each other.

The hunt and the mate. Was that it?

What was I here to do? It was as if my sole purpose was to be a part of Carlisle's family. It wasn't enough. With no mate, that left hunting, and there weren't enough mountain lions on earth to fill the void that came from not having a reason to live.

My mind reading enhanced my solitude. No one in the family could exactly forget I had the ability to read minds because it meant they had virtually no privacy. However, over the years we'd all grown into a comfortable groove wherein I tried not to listen, and they tried not to share.

Still, my own mind went unchallenged. My boredom wasn't only about a mate. What was there to learn when you knew what people were thinking before they said it? Each day I worked the assembly line of tedium and mediocrity. No matter how many boxes I filled, the conveyor incessantly delivered more.

As I result, I rather enjoyed being the new kid. In part because I didn't already have everyone's thoughts memorized. Additionally, most high schoolers avoided the new kids. They made up rumors to keep the outsiders out. Not that we needed any help with that. No matter how we painted our story, at least three of us were always starting school together. The more of us there were, the more we intimidated the locals and the more overt their disdain for us. I never minded, but it bothered Alice to no end.

She was the only one of us who really wanted to be liked. It broke my heart when she would attempt to make friends, and the kids would call her a freak behind her back. It was inevitable. We couldn't fit in. Too beautiful. Too rich. Too smart. Too pale. Too different. Eventually, they would shun her.

She was grateful for the family, but if she could have joined the popular crowd, she would have. She desperately longed to be a cheerleader. If she didn't think her weight would pulverize the pyramid, she'd probably try out. Only Jasper was in on that secret, and he benefited greatly from the fantasy. I usually ran screaming from the house the minute pom pons popped into either of their heads.

I, on the other, took a different approach to the humans. Sometimes I toyed with them.

Once I wore all black, including a heavy layer of eyeliner and painted nails. I gave other students the evil eye during class while drawing pictures of pentagrams in my notebook. I wore a glass pendant around my neck with water I'd colored blood red. Emmett joined me on that one. He loved the irony of teens. They spent their weekends watching movies meant to scare the living daylights out of them, but were paralyzed by a peer dressed in Goth attire. America had such a fear/lust relationship with the occult.

Goth Emmett was a site to behold though. He went for the sadomasochistic look. Spikes and leather. His curly hair gelled into submission. Combined with his sheer size, it was enough to send the school kids scurrying into corners where they cowered in fright.

Rosalie blamed me for Emmett's decline to the dark side, and didn't speak to Emmett for three weeks. Except for the bedroom, of course, but that was merely to say "Right there," or "Don't you fucking stop, asshole." Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

We finally had to end our charade when Carlisle caught wind that people were avoiding his services due to his devil worshipping children.

We sat in Carlisle's office while he gave us a stern lecture on our behavior. As we walked out of the room, Em gave me a high five. I mean come on. Vampires playing devil worshippers? It was classic. We still laugh whenever we see a Goth kid at a new school.

At least I wasn't bored for once.

My toying with the humans got me in trouble at our last high school as well. My intentions were good, though by the time we left, no one in the family was happy with me.

Four of us had started high school. We were playing the typical foster family role. Rose and Jasper as twins, and Alice and I as brother and sister. Emmett basically got a bye. He was happy to play video games all day.

When the kids started in with the innuendos and the teasing and the avoiding, I watched Alice slowly deflate. Rosalie's exterior shell hardened. While Alice internalized her pain, Rose lashed out. Both wore their hurt in very different ways. I thought maybe I could humanize us a little if I guided the rumors closer to the truth.

So when people started talking, I might have let some things slip to a few select gossipers.

After all, with a little massaging, our own stories could certainly pass for reasons we'd been in foster care. Jasper had been a member of a violent gang, hadn't he? Alice and I were both orphaned. She had a history of institutionalization. And Rosalie . . . well I suppose that was the biggest mistake. Our own stories were still raw. We could pretend that decades had lessoned the pain or made us forget, but being reminded of it by children unaware of the pot they stirred was more dangerous and far stupider than I'd anticipated.

So, twice in recent memory, I'd been scolded by my "father." And I'd witnessed my "mother's" disappointment. I was always conflicted when it came to paternal discipline. Though he had centuries of experience beyond any of us, he wasn't our father. Esme wasn't our mother. And I wanted to believe that all my years had to make me an adult.

Sometimes, I wished for more of a democratic coven, but I knew that left to our own devices, the five children would likely destroy the family. From Rosalie's selfishness, to Jasper's lack of control. From Emmett's childishness to Alice's exuberance. To my . . . they might say arrogance. I say boredom. Ultimately, we just wouldn't last long.

So, why did I stay? Why did I continue to live this half life, or rather half dead, existence?

It was simple really. My family. I loved them. Yes, even Rosalie. I have tried to live without them, and I simply don't work. None of us do. All of those negative qualities balance each other out. We are only whole when we are together. Or in my case, at least not empty.

Sure, I could get into more trouble, have more fun, even gain a little more pleasure on my own, but there is one thing I'd learned in over a century on this earth. Without someone to love, none of it mattered.

Boredom, then, was a burden I would bear.

Although, some days it was harder to hide than others.

"Edward, may I come in?" Alice asked as she stood outside my door.

"You don't have to ask, do you?" I teased.

"Silly, I don't know until you decide."

"Yes, but you know I heard you in the hall before you knocked and had already granted you access before you even asked."

"Well, true, but sometimes I like to pretend we're normal, don't you?"

I was still laughing as she danced her way into my room and sat down on the couch. It caused me to glance at the clock. Six thirty in the morning. About the time humans were getting a start on the day. They meandered in a groggy state to coffee or a shower, hoping to take the edge off a bad dream or lose themselves back into a good one. Mostly dreading what was to come. Work, school, taking care of babies, bills to pay, and asses to kiss. Never knowing how truly lucky they were to live this life cycle.

"How are you, Edward?"

I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Okay, yes, I already know you're in a funk. I caught a glimpse of you leaving the other day. And then you were doing some pretty stupid things to try to shake things up. To be honest, the indecision and emotional state are kind of killing Jasper and me here."

"Figuratively, of course."

She slapped my arm playfully.

"Please don't go."

"We'll see."

"You would hate being a nomad again."

"Maybe, I could still pretend to live a life, but on my own, the story wouldn't be so convoluted."

"What would you gain?"

"Something different?"

"You already know different isn't necessarily better."

I shrugged. She was right, but it was still nagging at me.

"You've considered Alaska. That would be better than wandering I think." I was a little embarrassed by what she must have seen when I wrestled with that decision. There was only one reason to consider Alaska.

"It's just so complicated."

"Not really. She's single. You're single. Why can't you just be happy together, even if it's not forever?"

"I don't love her, Alice." I heard what she was going to say next, while she appeared to silently contemplate it, and I groaned in pre-response.

"I know. " She looked down at her hands. "And I realize it's hard to be around all of us, but you also know you don't have to mate with her to . . . have fun."

"Yes, I do." I'd been there; done that. It was fine for a release, but honestly, it didn't solve the longing. In some ways it made it worse.

We'd known the Denali Coven a long time before anything happened between Tanya and me. Her beauty was undeniable. Her seduction irresistible. Literally.

But I remained conflicted about the whole thing. I'd always planned to save myself for marriage believing, assuming marriage was only a couple of years away. Nothing about my life followed that plan though. When the prospect of forever was in front of me, my staunch opinions about love and sex managed to muddy. And now though I've had sex with two women, I had yet to fall in love.

For a long time, Tanya and I developed an understanding of sorts, but when it became clear that her feelings had grown, I decided it was unfair and misleading to continue our arrangement.

I missed it. I missed her. I thought of her fondly. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall in love with her.

"You're probably right." But her thoughts confirmed my suspicions. Everyone, including Tanya, still held out hope that someday, my feelings would change.

I've been on this earth a very long time, and I had yet to meet a woman, human or vampire who made me believe I could have what everyone else in my family had.

Round and round that stupid merry go round. The same faces. I wanted the anticipation of the slow climb to the top. The rush that took over in that split second between knowing you were about to go over the edge and entering the freefall. Up and Down. Around the loop. Corkscrews and caves.

Emotions slamming you from one side of the car to the other. Fear to joy.

Fuck the merry go round.

"I wish they would too, Alice. It would make things so much easier."

She sighed.

"I don't want you to go."

"I know, but I have no idea why t it matters."

"We love you, silly."

"You know you're the only one who ever calls me silly."

"That's because I know you best."

I didn't argue. It was true.

"I don't know what to do, Alice. I need change. I don't think I'm actually going anywhere, but right now.

"I don't think you are either . . . yet." She whispered the last word.

"Well, I suppose it's time for my daily torture," I replied, changing the subject.

"Oh come on. Maybe something exciting will happen today. You could get lucky and Jessica Stanley will hit on you again." She stood up and floated back out of my room.

"Yes, and perhaps, tomorrow true love will come knocking on my door." I said to no one in particular. Alice was halfway down the hall, but she answered back.

"Be careful what you wish for, Edward."

**E/N: Okay, so now you've "met" Edward. Poor bored Edward. He has no idea that his whole world is going be thrown into a tailspin when he meets Bella Swan in the next chapter. **

**The women on the twilighted thread have been sharing their goth and other strange outfit stories. Feel free to drop by.**

**THANK YOU! To everyone who has reviewed so far. I am just tickled. I'll send you a little tease if you hit the review button again. **

**Question of the day: What was your first car?**


	4. Pieces and Pawns

**A/N: Big love to the reviewers! We all dated ourselves with those cars. Mine was a 1984 Olds Cutlass. **

**The quick re-cap. In present day, Bella is missing, and Edward has left his family and is on a plane to try to find her. Going back to the beginning, Edward was bored. He played naughty goth games with humans. He had sex with two women. One was Tanya. **

**One correction. I am going to go back and change this on "Opening." I mistakenly referred to Edward's time on earth as 108 years. That would be present day. At the time he met Bella, it has only been 102, which means they met in 2003. Sorry for the confusion. Just got lost in my own head.**

**Now, he meets Bella and we find out who is other sex partner was.**

_Chapter Two: Pieces and Pawns_

_EPOV_

The first time is often the best. The adrenaline is highest; the risk greatest. Of course, with great risk, comes great reward.

Most peoples' lives are measured by firsts. And perhaps that's the way it should be. Having done something a first time implies you attempted it again. It says something about the risks you took, what you learned, how you grew.

When you've been around as long as we have, firsts are harder and harder to come by.

I got my first diploma in 1923. It was a long time coming. Delayed by five years due to my change, moves, and the addition of Esme. I remember feeling both pride and relief that I'd finally accomplished something. I was actually able to go on for a college degree that first time around. I was Pre-Med. Bound and determined to be just like Carlisle. Between his compassion and his control, he represented perfection to me. I suppose he still does. However many diplomas and degrees later, I wasn't any closer to being just like him than I was that first graduation.

I stopped counting the diplomas about twenty five years ago. It just got old. And depressing. Unlike the Silver Ghost, receiving a diploma hadn't lighted a spark I needed to chase time and time again. It was just one more time on the merry go round.

My impending diploma from Forks High School clearly didn't represent a first. Or even a last. Just another. No different from all the others.

We never got to school early. Or late. We were always right on time. We didn't want to be any more conspicuous than we already were. Five vampires trying to pass as humans in Forks by acting as teenage foster children to a young couple. We didn't exactly blend. Add to the fact that four of the five were obviously coupled with each other, and we were the proverbial sore thumb.

Most students arrived early. It was social time. They cruised hallways or stood by their cars when it wasn't pouring rain. They flirted and fought. Gossiped and gloated.

We drifted in right before the bell rang.

Conversations assaulted me before we got anywhere near the parking lot.

_I can't believe you got grounded for that. Your parents suck. _

_Did you hear Mike Newton and Tyler Crowley got into a fight at that party this weekend? _

_Can you meet me in the car at lunch? _

_Oh I saw her. She was hot enough. I'm hoping I have her in class._

I had forgotten the talk of the school for the past week. Chief Swan's daughter, Isabella, was transferring to our little school today. Forks High was an interesting place. It was the only school I had ever attended where new people were actually welcomed. In the beginning, we had been too.

It probably had something to do with the fact that there are so few newcomers to the town. Though like any school, the cliques were fiercely loyal to their group statuses, here, rather than turning their backs on the uninitiated, there was almost a competition to see where in the lunch room the fresh meat would sit.

We turned the town on its head when we refused every invitation and sat together. We did make some efforts early on though. Alice dragged me to a couple of parties. She didn't think Jasper could handle that kind of close proximity to vulnerable humans.

The coaches desperately wanted Emmett to join the football team, and he and Carlisle talked for a long time about the possibility before deciding it was too dangerous. He told them he had an old knee injury, and after consulting with his doctor, the risk was just too great. Half the excuse was true anyway. Alice was devastated. She was hoping it would be her excuse to try out for cheerleading.

I had rejected more girls than I could count. Actually, I could count. I'd been asked out in some form or another fifty six times. A good chunk of them all by Jessica Stanley.

Yes, I could imagine that date. She would spend the day at a Port Angeles spa in advance of the evening to try to look older. She would swing her hips too much, laugh too frequently, smile too broadly and bat her eyelids too often. All while wearing too much make up, too tight clothes, and hair too far teased. We would head to some teeny bopper movie. The worst genre in my opinion. They were only entertaining if they had vampires in them. Then, I would get to listen to her fantasize about me—unimaginatively I might add—for the better part of the date. She would spend hours assuming an inevitable kiss, and anticipating more. A feel, a finger, maybe even a fuck.

I told her my life was too complicated for a relationship right now. She took that to mean I was dark and had secrets. She chased me harder. When I didn't even look at the breasts she's squeezed into a push up bra and stuck out at me in class one day, she decided I was gay.

After that, I stopped talking to the other students much. In time, they began to leave us alone. When they took note that our difference wasn't just "new kid" odd, but weird odd, they hung back. It was instinctual really. When humans tried to get too close, they invariably heard whatever ominous voice in told them to say away—danger ahead. And we were left alone at the lunch table. Alice was bummed, of course, hoping this was finally the place where she could be one of them.

She still smiled and waved at her human classmates though they rarely even noticed.

Everywhere I went, people were abuzz with talk of this new girl. The boys were excited by the shiny new toy, and the girls saw a pet project. I gathered this Isabella, Bella she'd always corrected, was average, plain. Good potential the girls said, grateful she wasn't more competition. Nice body, the boys cracked.

By lunch time, everyone was anxious to see which table she would occupy.

"Hey, are you with us man?" Emmett asked rather loudly for our table.

I snapped out of my thoughts. "Yeah, I was just listening to what people were saying about the new girl."

"She's in my English class," Jasper added.

"What did you think of her?" Alice prodded.

"I can't really say. Typical first day. She seems fairly quiet," he answered.

"I'm getting that from most people. Maybe a little quirky," I added. "Most definitely klutzy."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. Talking about another woman, well girl, wasn't exactly stimulating conversation for her. She leaned to Alice and began a side conversation.

"I know it's a couple of months away, but I was thinking we should go somewhere for Spring Break," she interjected.

"Oh!" Alice clapped. "Yes, what are you thinking?"

People were still filing into the room. We sat pretending to eat. I tuned out talk of an upcoming vacation, and scanned the room more. That's when I saw her.

I didn't know at that moment that my whole existence was about to be thrown into a tailspin. Not even Alice could have predicted this.

A first. For me anyway. But I didn't know what to call it.

Over the course of a day, this new girl would wage war on four out of five senses. By the time the day was over, I would wish it had been five.

It began with sight. But that was inconsequential. Another human girl in the lunch room. Pretty. Normal. Typical. This was one of those times where the first impression wasn't the most accurate. I was rarely wrong, but perhaps, I was too caught up in the issues related to the second sense to notice the first.

Next was sound. Or lack thereof. I couldn't hear her. Everyone around her was crystal clear. But from her there was nothing. Interesting. Confusing. Amazing. Not normal. Not Typical. A first.

I was blind and deaf in the lunchroom, leaving me completely unprepared for the sensory overload that was to come in my biology class.

Third came smell. Fucking smell. It would be impossible to know whether this attack would have been as effective if she had been assigned to sit anywhere other than the empty seat next to me in that biology room.

I had been desensitized to the scent of human blood over the years. While my senses were sharp enough to know that not all humans smelled alike, eventually it did almost seem that if you smelled one, you'd smelled them all. The distinctions became fewer and father between.

But this girl was not like the rest. A scent so powerful, so consuming, so perfect. There are certain conventions of vampirism that popular culture does seem to understand. We lust for blood. Literally lust. Which meant that in addition to drinking her dry, I wanted to consume her in every way possible.

Extraordinary. Absolutely aberrant. Another first.

Two in one day. These firsts mangled the monotony. I wouldn't be able to hang her on the wall like a diploma or display her in a museum like a car, but I could imagine measuring my life by these new kinds of firsts.

I was stressed and strained as I endured the hell of sitting next to my personal siren. Calling me to me own demise. And unknowingly, her own.

She attempted to speak with me, as any human would. Small talk. Introductions. I grunted and looked away catching her eyes for a brief second. It was long enough to realize my initial impression was also off. Her eyes were as unique as her scent. They were deeper than I'd imagined. Dark but warm, like a moonlit pond on a summer night, inviting you to jump in and splash around in the water.

Nothing about her was ordinary. I didn't know what to think of this human girl. Other than her closed mind, my first impression was so inconsequential, but how could someone so utterly unique not draw me in? She was the antidote to my boredom. The cure for the monotony.

I purchased my ticket for the roller coaster. The first part of the ride was the scariest, not knowing whether I would make it through that excruciating biology class.

I survived. She survived, and I made a valiant effort to prevent further close contact, attempting to re-arrange my class schedule. My efforts were fruitless. No alternatives existed.

Dejected, I blindly attempted to exit the main office only to be confronted by that which I feared most. I very nearly went for a swim in her eyes before averting my gaze and hurrying past her.

She followed me out of the room. I expelled every ounce of self control to avoid running away at speeds not humanly possible. Everything about this girl made me want to blow my cover today. I turned the corner to an empty hallway. She called out to me.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" She yelled. I didn't turn around.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I answered curtly not even glancing over my shoulder.

"Just stop, asshole!" she fumed. I slowed, but still faced the opposite direction, listening as she continued her tirade.

"Give me a break. You were incredibly rude to me today, and now you're trying to get out of biology? And running away from me? What did I ever do to you? Why would you treat a stranger like that?" I stopped now. I was being rude. It was necessary, but it would raise more suspicions than desired if I didn't make an effort.

I spun on a dime to look her directly in the eye, willing her to run away, to see what I represented to her.

I almost smiled at the sight of her.

She stood firmly rooted to her spot, legs hip distanced part, hands balled on her hips. A fighting stance. Such a spitfire.

She waited for an answer. And the fact was, I didn't have one. At least not one that made any sense.

"I just can't be around you."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Seriously?"

"Completely."

"That's it? And you're not going to tell me why?"

"I can't."

"Well that's bullshit," she said with a smirk.

I laughed. It was. "I promise you. It's in your best interest."

"I hate promises. But whatever. I'm not going to beg." She made a move to walk past me, and I verified I wasn't breathing. I thought I was safe. Assumed she was going to leave me alone, but as she breezed past me she stopped. We stood side by side, facing opposite directions. Electricity pulsing between us. The charge tested every ounce of self control that remained.

In that instant, I realized I wanted everything about this girl.

And my want would mean her death.

Without warning she grabbed my wrist, and instantly recoiled when she noticed how cold my skin was.

She stuttered, fumbling through a thought. And she left without completing it.

I exhaled needlessly in relief. Maybe it would be enough of a warning for her to keep her distance.

Her touch had seared my skin, and I could feel it pulsing long after she left. I looked for a mark, a branding.

When I had gained enough composure, I texted Alice telling her I was planning to find my own way home. Her response was nearly instantaneous, as if she'd been expecting it. She probably had been.

"_Don't leave, Edward."_

Was I planning to? I guess it had crossed my mind. But I didn't think I was ready. Not yet anyway. I needed to think, to run. To soothe my aching senses. All but taste. I closed my eyes, so I could focus on hint of her scent still lingering around me. Taste. I would start with her skin. Letting my tongue wet her neck, taking in the flavor of her skin before I punctured her allowing her blood to flow into my mouth and down my throat. Taste. Every. Drop. Until there was no more. It would have to be worth it.

It wasn't until I was alone in the woods behind our house, walking by the river, temporarily sated by deer blood that I began to imagine other tastes. Her tongue, for example as it entwined with my own. The salt of her sweat as she lay naked by my side. Even in my imagination, she owned my senses.

_My eyes saw her delicate curves, desperate to climb the hills and valleys. My ears heard her heart pumping and her blood rushing as she anticipated my touch. My own hands felt the burn of her skin as I explored her terrain. Living dangerously in my mind, I rested my head on her thigh, drawn to the particular curve and the proximity to dangerous places. Any temporary reprieve I had from the smell of her blood ended when the scent of her arousal hit me. My desire to taste and touch moved lower. _

Another fucking first. Fantasizing about a silly high school girl. Alone and aroused in the middle of nowhere.

And thus the game began.

I returned to the house, knowing what was coming. No secrets. No privacy. For the second time that day, I was greeted with, "What is wrong with you?"

"Rosalie, I'm not in the mood."

"I don't give a shit. Alice says you wanted to kill a human today."

"I didn't."

"Fine line."

"I'd say it's a pretty distinct line if you're human." And I didn't usually go there, but her smug tone and self righteous smirk did me in. "Yes, Rosalie, a fine line indeed. Lucky we both know what it feels like to hold death in our hands."

"You fucking bastard, don't you dare compare my past to yours. It was only once, and I had a reason. You know that."

Of course I knew. I was there.

She had cultivated her plan carefully. She worked diligently to control her own bloodlust so she could succeed without tasting a drop. But she knew she had to act quickly, before it was time to move to a new locale.

Obviously, I heard the planning. But I never said a word. I couldn't deny her the opportunity for revenge. Carlisle may have been capable of the kind of forgiveness it would have taken to get Rosalie to walk away from those men, but I wasn't. She stepped lightly around me for months, never certain if I would out her, warning me silently not tell. I kept her guessing, even up to that night.

I followed. Since I knew where she was going, I could keep a good distance. My speed a useful accomplice in the chase. I never planned to stop her, but I thought she might need backup. Maybe she wouldn't be able to carry through, or perhaps she would be overcome with thirst. I hung back in the wings.

Rosalie had rehearsed her lines and costumed herself ideally. She took the stage with confidence. Playing her role to perfection, demanding the attention of her unwilling audience. They reacted as she'd expected, as she'd needed them too. When it was time for the final curtain call, however, the seats were empty. Save for one. Mine.

She crumpled to the floor and stared at her victims for a long time. I couldn't read her emotion exactly, and her mind was blank. I don't know how many minutes had passed when she whispered, "I know you're there. You can come out."

I took a step out of the dark shadow I'd been hiding in.

She looked up at me and smiled weakly through black eyes, "Will you help me?"

We arranged the scene. It was another time we'd worked silently side by side. I prompted her to hunt immediately after, knowing the urge must have been strong.

It wasn't until we reached the forest on the outskirts of town that she finally spoke. "I had to do it." Her tone implied no regret.

"I don't judge you."

"Carlisle will."

"He might," I admitted.

"They stole something from me, and I'll never get it back. I had to take something from them too." Her delivery was stiff and emotionless.

It wasn't exactly an eye for an eye, but I followed the logic.

"I should have been good enough. Why wasn't I good enough? Look at me. I deserved so much better." The façade was cracking.

"Of course you did."

Something about that response made her snap. "Whatever, don't patronize me."

"Why would you say that?" I asked.

"Oh how about 'What were you thinking, Carlisle?' or 'People die all the time,' or my personal favorite, 'What are we going to do with her?'"

She spat my words back at me with the same disgust I'm sure I'd laced them with in the first place. The words dripped with the petulance of a teenaged boy unaware of the long term effect they would have.

"I'm sorry. I was very selfish."

"You still are."

"I know. I'm sorry for that too."

"You can make it up to me."

"How?" My question was met with a long silence. When she spoke, her voice changed.

"Help me forget. Give me back what they took away."

"I don't understand."

"You're not stupid, Edward. Figure it out." She was playing the attack over and over in her mind.

The way I saw it, they'd taken two things from Rosalie that night. Her virginity and her life. How could I give her back either?

"You're not suggesting . . . I mean . . ." At that moment, her thoughts shifted, and as she considered us together as a man and woman. I shook my head. "I can't. I don't feel . . ."

"Don't be ridiculous Edward. I'm not asking you to marry me. But I have an eternity with that being my only memory of what it is like to be touched by a man. An eternity where I'm not allowed to sleep. Hell you hear my thoughts. You know that it consumes me. Give me another memory, Edward. Make this one go away."

I froze. What was the right thing to do? It went against ever moral principle I'd ever set up for myself. And I wasn't convinced that it would actually help her. I lost myself in my thoughts, but she snapped me back out.

"Don't you dare fucking turn me down, Edward." _He has to want me. He just has to._

And in that moment, I did. It wasn't just because I was a horny teenage boy who desperately wanted to get laid. It wasn't because Rosalie was Helen incarnate with a body men would give their souls to know intimately.

It was because she let go. She flipped the switch in her head, and I could see every insecurity; every flaw she thought she had. She needed to be loved. To know that what Royce did wasn't her fault, and though it couldn't be undone, it didn't have to define her.

She never looked more beautiful to me than she did right then. Eyes downcast. Hands shaking. Breathing shallow.

I nodded slightly, and we closed the gap between us. We were both tentative, unsure of ourselves. Fumbling and awkward with our touches. I was embarrassed by my inexperience, but Rosalie encouraged me, whispering, "It's supposed to be this way, I think."

And I realized my innocence may have been the very reason Rosalie chose me.

We each took turns driving the car that night. The ride was short, but we both got something out of it. Rosalie preferred the windy road. She needed the twists and turns. To know that she had control over the hairpin curves. To not know what was coming next. I wanted a long flat empty road. To open it up as fast as I could go.

When it was over, I held her. Stroking her hair, afraid to look at her. My own insecurities rising by the second.

Her sobs began quietly, but quickly took over her whole body. I pulled her in close and let her cry waterless tears. One word over and over in her head. "Why?"

And I could guess at what would have followed:

Why did Royce rape her?

Why did Carlisle change her?

Why did she kill Royce?

Why did she have sex with me?

They were all there.

Eventually, the sobbing subsided. Had she been human, she would have fallen asleep. We lay in the dark pretending we could shut down, dream, restore. Before first light, she rose to a sitting position. I looked up at her, and she smiled feebly. She kissed me on the forehead. She sat next to me, on the verge of a decision; it was one I wouldn't try to influence. After a long wait, she stood up.

When she put her clothes on, she was getting out of the car, shutting the door behind. It never started again. I've sometimes wondered if it could have been a simple fix. More gas, a starter. Maybe we could have made it go.

But we never tried. We left it out in some old farmer's field to rust. Weeds grew into the engine. The tires deflated. The bumper fell off.

Every once in a while, on a particularly quiet day, when everyone was lost in a book or a thought, her mind would drift out to that car. She'd climb in and slump against the seat. It wasn't a fantasy or a longing for either of us. It was a memory. Not about sex. But about birth and re-birth. About giving yourself over to another person and trusting they wouldn't hurt you when all you'd ever known was pain.

I was never jealous of Emmett. The guilt I carried over never telling him was a heavy load, however. Rosalie and I simply ignored the topic with each other. Subtle mind jabs and subliminal innuendo served as a cover up for any emotions we felt about what happened and the secrecy that surrounded it. I knew sometimes though, when she thought of the car, she wished she'd never gone on that ride. She never said it, but I imagined she thought she should have just waited. Not much more than a year later, she found Emmett. It could have been him.

Much like Carlisle might have wished he'd waited for Esme and not changed me at all.

I didn't begrudge either of them their happiness, but being the object of someone's regret, particularly when you had full access to their mind, was not something I'd wish on anyone. It had driven me away for a time years ago after Emmett joined the family. But it was also what brought me back, tied me to them. I couldn't bear to cause them any more pain.

And yet here I was. The center of drama and controversy again.

I walked straight to Carlisle's office. I knew Rosalie would be listening. They all would be.

"Do you have a minute, Carlisle?"

"Of course. Come in," he said motioning to the chair in front of his desk.

I closed the door anyway. I still liked to feign normalcy at times.

"I heard you had a tense moment today."

"More than one actually."

"What was it?"

"Her scent is . . . something I can't describe."

He nodded thoughtfully. Then he did something I appreciated beyond measure. He began to ask me yes or no questions in his head. Allowing me to answer with head nods only.

"_You've never reacted to a human's blood like that before have you?"_

I shook my head.

"_It's rare, but there does seem to be a powerful connection for some of us. The Volturi called it, 'la tua cantante.' They believe it impossible to resist.'"_

My brow furrowed. I wasn't sure I liked where this was headed.

"_Did you know that Emmett encountered one once?"_

I shook my head again.

"_It didn't end well for him, so you've shown amazing restraint thus far. But your control exceeds most."_

I shrugged knowing that it was still nowhere near his.

"_Do you plan to go back to school?"_

I contemplated, realizing I needed more information.

"I don't know what to do, Carlisle. Will it get easier? It was very strong. And it wasn't just about her blood."

He raised an eyebrow and me. I hoped I wouldn't have to say it out loud. He was thoughtful. _"Sexually?"_

I nodded, grateful for his discernment.

"_That's not unusual. Quite common, of course. You do know that it would be unlikely for it to end well? On any level" _There was a warning tone to his thoughts. I felt like a child being scolding merely for asking what a bad word meant.

"I wasn't planning to . . . I mean, I know." I hated having this conversation with him.

"_And I don't know if it will get easier. I don't think I've heard of anyone who made it this far."_

I nodded once again.

"What do you think I should do?"

He spoke freely, allowing everyone to hear his analysis.

"I typically favor caution, but you've demonstrated control so far. No one is anxious to leave, so perhaps, we should take this day by day."

I stood up to leave. He issued one more warning, _"And Edward, it would probably be best to stay away from her."_

"I know."

**E/N: Obviously some Twilight deviations, but from the story won't follow the events of Twilight much at all as Edward makes different decisions.**

**Thanks as always to hmonter4 and to JAustenlover for the help.**

**So, Rosalie. I know. You can throw things at me if you must, but it fit a layer of both of their characters, and complicates the choices they make for the rest of the story. In a good way. Would love to hear you reactions about that.**

**Bella's got a tough side to her here. What is she thinking about Edward? And he's having fantasies about her already. He wants to stay away. Will he? Next chapter is a blog from Bella sometime in the future. So, you'll wait just a bit longer for more on their story.**

**I can't help asking . . . do you regret your first time?**


	5. Bella's Blog March 22, 2009

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Unfortunately, there seem to be more of us with regrets than without about that first time. **

**Watch the dates on the blog. These are going to follow a reverse chronology. The first one was the last entry. This one occurs a few weeks before that, followed by Edward's response while on a plane to an unknown destination.**

**These characters belong to someone else.**

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_March 22, 2009_

_Perspective_

I'm just going to put this out there right off the bat.

I saw him. He came to see me. The first one. The one who started it all. All of this time and he just showed up at my house. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. And my emotions are still pretty raw on the whole subject so I'm going to try to keep them out of this.

Anyway, it's left me with a lot on my mind.

I probably shouldn't even be telling you, but what do I know anymore? I just have to write. It helps me think. And my perspective is so warped right now. Besides, I don't have anyone else to talk to about these things. Not anymore. So you're it.

I won't get into the details of why he came; they're just not important at this point. Well maybe that's not true. I'm just not sure what I think about everything he said, so I'll just keep it to myself for now.

He looked the same, of course. Always the same. I felt so small next to him. Incredibly weak.

But then I had a bit of an epiphany. Like, maybe never changing isn't all good. Do you forget to learn from your mistakes? Because my years have meant something to me. Changed me in both positive and negative ways, but I own that change. When I look in the mirror and I see the way my hips have gone wider, my teeth have turned more yellow, and my hair has grown darker, I know that those alterations go hand in hand with experience and effort. Good years and bad. I don't know much about religion or philosophy, but isn't some sort of learning at the heart of most of them?

And that made me feel stronger. Smarter. All these years, and I thought he was smartest and strongest thing I'd ever met, but I don't know what to think anymore. How could he be damn wise and so fucking stupid at the same time?

The picture of him hanging on the walls of my memory had not done him justice. But isn't it always that way? The details fade. Sometimes you can find a song or a movie or place that takes you back, makes the picture clearer, but it never lasts. You would think the pain would somehow keep the image crisper. Shouldn't you be able to remember the face of someone who hurt you that much?

Every feature was sharper than I recalled. The colors contrasted more vividly. And his eyes. I used to think merely of pretty and yummy things like topaz and butterscotch candies. But this time, I noticed the complementary hues of sunset on a field of amber wheat. Less permanent than a jewel; I couldn't wear that on my finger or around my neck, but it was possible to plop down in the middle of that field and run my hands through the blowing stalks. Candies were temporary too; they always melted away, but I never felt inspired by one. I have crashed hard after a sugar high wore off though, and I've come down from the intoxication of his presence, and the sense of loss is pretty much the same.

Come to think of it, maybe there had been change. I always remembered his eyes as sort of blank in a way. Like there was just nothing interesting left for him to see. There was more this time. Sadness? Regret?

I admit in my dreams last night I convinced myself I could be the source of whatever emotion was hanging out just behind his gaze. For a moment, it took away all his power and his strength and almost made him seem human.

I knew he wasn't human the first time I touched him. I didn't tell him that though. I remember the moment my hand flinched. I wondered how someone so cold could be alive, but he was standing in front of me, and I knew he wasn't dead.

The second time our skin made contact, I realized he was colder than dead. Not refrigerated but frozen.

It was almost a year before I finally realized I was right the first time. He wasn't dead; he was undead.

Vampires have no blood flowing through their veins, no heartbeat. Imagine the kind of cold that would come from no circulation.

There was another layer with him though. Something I've yet to understand. He was so cold it was almost hot if that makes any sense. Like touching your tongue to frozen metal. Yes, I know we've all been dumb enough to give that a try. It was the same thing with him. I knew I shouldn't keep touching him because it was bound to cause pain, but something made me do it. I don't know maybe it was like folks who have S&M fetishes or something. (I know you're out there. You'll have to write and tell me.) It hurt to touch him. But after the initial shock, it would settle into something else, something very, very good. And I couldn't resist that.

After I figured out what he was, I assumed it was a vampire thing—like something in the prey/predator relationships. I tried touching other vampires to see if I'd get the same reaction, but I never felt it with anyone else. It was just him. Just us.

I know I'm rambling. And I'm not telling you anything about his visit. Suffice to say. I pushed him away—well I tried to anyway. I can't exert much force on a vampire. I told him I didn't want him anymore. It was the second time I told him that. I insisted I didn't want him to try to save me. I guess in the end, my words were the successful shove my arms could not be. Because he left and promised not to return.

And now I wish I hadn't been so powerful, because it was all a lie.

That's as personal as it gets folks. Time to segue.

The connection he and I had may have been extraordinary, but the frigidity was still there with the others. I wondered how they could hide their identity. You can't touch something like that and not know.

Of course, the majority of vampires make no effort for genuine human contact, so they don't have to worry much about hiding it.

Based on my initial encounter, I wondered to what extent vampires engaged in physical contact with their prey.

I recently asked my current contact, who does drink human blood, whether he has ever tried to hide the fact that he is a vampire from anyone. It would be harder for him I think. Nothing about him seems remotely human. His eyes definitely don't make you think of America the Beautiful. Only one thing ever crossed my mind when I looked at him. Blood. So appropriate.

His answer was "Why would I? Humans are merely food."

I didn't have a response to that.

And I wasn't sure what it meant for me.

XXXX

_Edward Present Day_

At this point, I wouldn't have cared whether she'd lied or not. I was going to find her. But these were the words that gave me hope. Maybe she wouldn't hate the sight of me when I did.

She was right. I really was fucking stupid. I didn't see it. I left her completely exposed. I may be the world's most perfect predator, but when it came right down to it, I was powerless when it came to her. I failed to stay away when I really should have left, and I left when I really should have stayed.

My retreat was short though. It was only a matter of days before I realized I didn't care whether she wanted me or not. I was going to make her run away with me. I had planned to keep her safe even if I had to do so by force. But I was too late. She was gone.

I knew she'd never forgive me. The whole mess was my fault. From the beginning to the end. Whatever the end would be.

But I was as tired of living with regrets as I was of living as one. No more. From now on I would live as if I were not already dead.

**E/N: I'm on summer break, so fingers crossed for another update toward the weekend if the kids cooperate. **

**You've been getting the reminder everywhere but don't forget the Indie nominations open today, and there is another week for nominations in the Bellies.**

**Next chapter is EPOV, and we get to see what happened after he met Bella.**

**The blog chapters are short, so you can use the extra time hit the review button and tell me. Have you ever done it? Put the tongue to frozen metal? I'll give you a little tease of the next chapter in exchange for that review. **


	6. White Rabbit

**A/N: I love you all for reading and reviewing. I really do. I'm just having fun with a mystery here.**

**Back to EPOV now where we get to see their relationship progress.**

**The characters do not belong to me.**

_EPOV 3: White Rabbit_

The day of firsts left me contemplative. With Bella on my mind, one other first loitered around my subconscious.

My first taste of human blood was easy. Like sleeping or tripping—for a human anyway. I just fell into it without intention. I hadn't been hunting; I wasn't any more thirsty than usual. I'd grown quite comfortable in my control, and was on my way to joining Carlisle in his profession. I was confident I could also assist the infirm.

Admittedly however, I'd been conflicted for some time about whether humans and vampires weren't somehow a natural prey relationship. Were we perhaps intended as population control? Once humans could rule animals, was there a need for something stronger? I wanted to believe there was some kind of method to the madness.

That was where it got confusing. Carlisle believed in a god, in a heaven. Believed that our abstinence was the price we paid for entry. I wrestled with his logic on two levels. Most days, I wasn't convinced there wasn't any kind of higher power out there at all, but if there was, why create the vampire if we weren't allowed to drink that which called us? I suppose it's the same question that comes whenever social practice defies religious attitudes. I just didn't know where that left me. God as I knew him was a product of the human world where my very existence was considered deviant. Why, then, would we be held to the rules created for a different species?

I never voiced such questions, as I knew how deeply opposed Carlisle was to the very notion that there might be a reason to drink from humans. However, the ideas wafted through my thoughts from time to time, and had been setting up residence at the forefront of my mind for a while.

But I wasn't actively engaging the issue that night. I wasn't pondering my existence or putting myself in temptation's way. In fact, I was in a relatively good mood. The two couples at the house needed "alone time," so I was on my own. I'd seen a movie that made me laugh.

I wandered through the city in the dead of the night. I fit in there. I was a creature of the night after all.

It was around two in the morning when I heard the muffled screams from an alleyway. I had been in my own head and hadn't noticed the girl's internal cries for help or the malignant thoughts of the men surrounding her.

As I approached, I could only think of one thing. Rosalie. I imagined her frightened and surrounded, being raped and beaten. And I stopped thinking after that. I acted only on instinct. No one deserved that. She would have died far too young had Carlisle not found her. And I knew how it affected her after. There was no good outcome.

I felt rage. I felt bitterness. I felt desperation.

I removed the girl first. She had no idea what happened. She passed out when I began running and never saw my face. I moved faster than I ever had before, taking her to a nearby hospital.

It didn't take me long to locate the men. They hadn't moved from where I left them. Three of them. They were stunned, frozen in place. They had no idea what hit them.

I drained one while the other two watched in horror, but they were not fast enough or coherent enough to move to safety. I could taste the drugs and alcohol in his system. Even with the unwanted additives, animal blood was no match for this taste. This scent. Even the texture was more palatable. I don't remember much about human food, but I assume it would be akin to the difference between a ground beef and ground turkey. The serve the same purpose; the turkey burger may even taste fine if you're hungry. If you'd only tried the substitute, it would be easy to enjoy it, but once you'd had the original, going back would be far more difficult.

By the time all three were lifeless, I recognized that I had been gluttonous. And I wondered what I had done.

But a new feeling washed over me. Power.

I spent about ten y ears on my own after that. I'd gone back to the house in the morning. I didn't plan to stay. I knew I couldn't. But I didn't want to just disappear.

My eyes gave me away instantly. I should have buckled from the weight of Carlisle's disappointment the moment he saw me, but I didn't feel remorse yet. I was high on the blood, and the idea of what I could do. Esme was devastated, and Rosalie was difficult to read. Part smugness at her own superiority, but it was the other part, the disapproval and sadness, that I'd never forgotten.

For years, I lived for the night. For the dark alleys and bridge underpasses. For houses where women screamed for help and the ones where children cowered in fear in their closets. For these were the places I found my victims, only I didn't quite see them as such then. I justified. I rationalized.

And I killed.

But it didn't take long to discover that I didn't do well on my own. All those years wandering dark and evil spaces, and the only sounds I remembered were screams.

There were no loving voices to balance the demons. Ultimately, I became the monster I'd always believed I was.

My return to abstinence wasn't about the fee for heaven; it was about the price of my mental hell. I might not have a soul, but I had a conscience. And I had a father who taught me the importance of listening to it.

I went to the hospital the day after my first three kills. Her name was Mary. I found a necklace and a button on the ground by the crime scene. The necklace I slipped around her neck while she slept.

The button I carried in my pocket still today. I reached in and thumbed it whenever I questioned my path, wondered whether it was all worth the sacrifice.

And it was easy to question on a day like today as I sat through hours of high school torture. Knowing I was about to face my personal siren in biology.

Remembering the taste of human blood was a double edged sword. Typically, I pushed it down because it only made animal blood that much less appealing. On the other hand, to recall the taste meant I remembered watching the life drain from a human being. I took a soul. I wasn't God. I was the devil.

Considering human blood while sitting at my lab table was especially stupid. Any human blood was a temptation; I couldn't begin to imagine what Bella's would taste like. But I wanted to know.

Carlisle told me to avoid her. I should have skipped biology, of course. Should have fought harder to find a different course. But my curiosity got the best of me. That and my ego. I wanted to prove to myself, to Carlisle, that I could do this. Only Alice knew I was there. I couldn't hide anything from her, but she must have had a good feeling because she didn't try to stop me, and she didn't tell anyone else.

Bella floated into the room without a care in the world, unaware of the depth of danger she faced. Some of the other children in the room greeted her, and she waved. Mike Newton fawned over her, and I watched for signs of interest, but she was unreadable. Why I cared whether she was attracted to the human boy was beyond me. But I knew I didn't want her to want him.

She shooed him off when the bell rang and slid into the seat next to me.

"Are you going to talk to me today?" she asked.

"No." I replied.

"Fair enough," she sighed, turning to face the teacher.

That was the extent of our conversation for that day. But my throat burned and my desire raged.

We both survived day two. Though there was a split second . . . Alice said she was bouncing her seat and almost came running over to our classroom.

Things started to get interesting on the third day.

"Hello, Edward. Lovely weather we're having." Her face was bright, and her smile implied innocence.

I rolled my eyes at her, and she laughed. "Not even small talk huh?"

"No," I replied again.

"Your loss."

Talking would mean more air flowing around my mouth; some was bound to make it to my nose. It had been getting better. I wouldn't call it easy by any means, but by day three, I wasn't in quite as much pain. Still not worth the risk of breathing, but something about her casual tone taunted me. I wanted to know more.

About halfway through the class, we were examining slides. The microscope was on my side of the table, as I was still taking notes on the current slide. I didn't need the notes, but it was all part of the show.

She reached across the table to grab the microscope. When she pulled back, her arm grazed across mine.

We both inhaled. My throat blazed. She gasped. She dropped the microscope, but it wasn't far off the table, so the collision with the table was quiet and without consequence. I tried not to look at her. I kept my head forward. Neither of us moved nor spoke for three and half minutes. I was watching the clock head of me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she was looking at me, intently.

"Did you feel that?" she finally pressed.

I shook my head slightly.

"Edward, look at me."

I closed my eyes.

"Please?" I didn't know why, but something about that word, her intonation, worked. I couldn't not turn to face her. But I was nearly done in by the depth of her dark eyes. "Don't tell me you didn't feel that?"

"Feel what?"

She shook her head at me. "The spark, jerk."

Of course, I felt it.

"It was probably just a shock," I said shaking my head ever so slightly.

"Mmhm. Right." I took advantage and broke her gaze. She looked down at her hands, as she trailed a finger from her right hand over the spot. Like she was soothing a pain.

I watched her contemplate her next move, and her tone became soft when she asked, ""Why are you so cold?"

"I don't feel cold," I said without expression. She rolled her eyes, but kept her tone even again.

"You do to the touch. I felt it the other day too. You're frigid."

"Poor circulation, perhaps." I shrugged and looked away to hide my smile at her word choice. Her eyes narrowed and she shook her head as she turned away. But she said nothing else.

On the fourth day, she didn't even greet me. I chuckled under my breath. She was trying to be mysterious. She doodled all through class, with her back half turned, and her arm covering her notes, to hide them from me. I was insanely curious as to what she was trying to hide from me. She couldn't possibly believe I needed to cheat from her notes.

Her silence, however, gave me more time for observation. Not that I needed it. I'd done little else the last few days but pay attention to her. I'd learned she wasn't much of a people person. She got along with everyone, and answered questions appropriately, but whenever they left her alone, she seemed at peace. At lunch she sat with one of the more popular cliques, though she didn't initiate talk or make efforts to join in. She ate. She doodled. She waited until someone talked to her before speaking up.

The circle appeared to be tiring of her a bit. The two female ring leaders were feeling internally hostile. They didn't see her as a threat, but as unworthy of their table.

I passed by her at her locker before the last period of the day, and I noticed she left her green notebook in her locker. A perfect opportunity. I couldn't tell you what my justification was at that point, but I simply knew I had to read what was in there. Right or wrong. And of course it was wrong.

I was hoping to find geometric shapes or pictures of flowers. Maybe even little expressions like "B.S. + E.C" or "Mrs. Edward Cullen," in the corner. I couldn't read her mind, but I knew if she were delving into typical teenage fantasies, I was the likely subject. I usually was. In this case though, I also had a hunch because she glazed over when any of the human males talked to her. She had fire when she tried to confront me. The intrigue had to be mutual.

I opened the cover and devoured her scribbles.

_Edward Cullen_

_Observations_

_Cold. Extremely cold. Like just coming out of a freezer. _

_Pale skin. Lighter than mine, but doesn't seem sickly. How is that? Same with his siblings. Odd._

_Strangest color of eyes. Seemed very dark first day. But lighter now. Not brown, not tan. Like topaz? How to account for changes?_

_Asshole. Won't talk to me. No idea why he hates me._

_Gorgeous. Never seen anyone like that. Whole family is beautiful, but he is inhumanly hot. Other girls in school all think so. Dates infrequently. Jess Stanley questions his sexual orientation. No gaydar alerts have been beeping for me though; I get a recluse feel. She's probably never met an actual gay man to know. _

_Ignored him today. He didn't seem bothered. So much for my trying to change things up that way. _

The list scared me. Since I couldn't hear her thoughts, I hadn't been aware of her level of curiosity nor the accuracy of her perceptions. So far, they remained innocuous enough, though I decided that I had to take a different approach with her. Ignoring her only served to increase her interest.

I'd been holding my own as far as my bloodlust was concerned. Perhaps, it was time to start influencing her perceptions. Monday, she did not join the crowd at the lunch table. I scanned the room, but didn't see her. It only took a minute before I heard Lauren and Jessica gossiping about how weird the new girl was, opting to work in the library rather than join them for lunch.

I excused myself from my table, with a questioning look from Rosalie and a nod from Alice.

The library had higher ceilings than the biology lab, so her scent was less potent, but still strong enough to make pinpointing her location effortless. She was tucked in the back, hidden by several large stacks where a couple of oversized chairs were set up for reading. I doubt she heard me approach, but she showed no surprise when I sat down next to her.

"Not hungry today?" she asked without looking up from her book.

"Not particularly."

"I'm not surprised. You don't eat much."

"Don't worry. I'm perfectly satisfied." It was the biggest lie I'd told in a long time.

"Are you now?" she asked skeptically.

"You don't believe me."

She raised an eyebrow. And deflected. "Why are you here?"

"Because you are."

"As if that's an answer. You've been avoiding me for a week, and now you seek me out?"

"Yes, well. You win."

"I wasn't aware we were playing a game." She placed her book in her lap, and let her arm rest on the edge of the chair.

I chuckled. "Yes you were."

"Well, then. What's my prize, Edward?" she asked pointedly. I tilted my head at her. I reached over and lay my hand on top of hers.

The heat was instantaneous. Her eyes went wide, as we both fought the instinct to pull away from the fire burning between us. But I left my hand in place, and she didn't flinch.

The fire raged, but I grew used to the heat.

"What were you hoping for, Bella?"

The warning bell picked that exact moment to let us know the lunch period had ended, and we had five minutes to get to biology.

I stayed in the chair as she stood up. "Are you coming?"

We walked side by side to the classroom. Close enough, but not so close as to start rumors. Who was I kidding. The rumors were starting the minute we walked out of the library. Heads whipped around as we passed. Friends hit each other to get their attention. Eyes went wide. Well, most of them. There were a handful—Rosalie, Jessica, and Lauren for example—whose eyes rolled or narrowed instead.

Edward Cullen simply didn't talk to people in this school.

Tyler Crowley and Mike Newton were playing football down the hall, evidently over their fight from a week ago. Tyler caught a ball just behind me, but lost his balance when his feet hit the ground, slamming into Bella which pushed her into me. She gasped and at the contact, forcing an "Uh!" from her, and her hand went to her mouth to cover the sound.

Tyler apologized thinking it was his shove that caused the reaction. I smiled. She looked at me suspiciously.

"You did feel it didn't you?

I shrugged.

We walked into biology silently, but once we were seated at the table, she leaned toward me.

"What is that?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Have you felt it before?"

"No."

She pulled out her notebook and started doodling. She bit her lip. She shot a few looks at me out of the corner of her eye. It came from under her breath, in the tiniest voice I'd heard from her.

"I kinda like it."

"Me too, Bella."

She didn't look at me, but she smiled. And she turned her body, and began to write in that notebook of hers.

**E/N: Uh oh. He's not staying away from her right now, but we know that he's got to leave because that's the whole premise of the summary. Hmm. How far will they take things? And that darned notebook. What else will she be writing there?**

**Do remember that from here on out, I don't really follow Twilight much in terms of specific events. Next chapter will be another EPOV.**

**Don't forget to vote on those Indies and Bellies. **

**Come play on the Twilighted thread. We're doing metaphoric sex writing challenges.**

**And please review. It really does make my day. Plus, I can tease you again with the next chapter if you do. **


	7. Falling

**I am thoroughly convinced I have the best reviewers in the world. Very smart and incredibly good to me. THANK YOU!**

**No need for a summary. You know where we left off.**

**Characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 7: Falling_

_EPOVf_

"Do you know what you are doing, Edward?" Carlisle asked cautiously.

"Honestly, no." At his raised eyebrow, I scrambled for a justification. "But it was clear that she was forming her own opinions, so I didn't think it could hurt to talk with her."

"Yes, and I think I agree," he said. Then he paused, steepling his index fingers and resting his chin on the point. "The others seem to think there is more to the story."

I knew that was coming. It had been on all their minds.

"I can't deny that a certain chemistry exists, but you already knew that."

"How far are you willing to take this, Edward? It appears you have control of your senses in her presence at this point, but there are still risks."

"I realize that, and I don't know. I don't really have a plan."

He nodded slowly. "Perhaps, you should."

He was right. I was flying blind, and that wasn't a good idea. The problem was I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Seventy five percent of the time, I was still convinced I should leave. It was the most logical thing. I'd already been pondering it, and I was sure we could come up with a reason—attending a gifted school or something like that. I could spend a few years on my own and then re-evaluate when everyone else was ready to move on from Forks.

Then there was the other twenty five percent. I didn't know a damned thing about this girl, but she set me on fire. After a century on ice the thaw was almost painful. Almost. For days, I didn't know if I was strong enough not to kill her; now I didn't know if I was strong enough to walk away. Each morning, I found myself thinking, "Just one more day."

And the days added up to weeks. We met in the library for lunch daily. We continued to talk in biology. I learned the back story on why she'd moved to Forks.

"It was time to give my mom and Phil some space," she stated matter-of-factly.

"And you don't resent it?"

"Nah, I know it was a little hard on her all these years. She loves me like crazy, but she's such a free spirit and having a kid doesn't exactly jive with that lifestyle. I can't be mad at her for being who she is. And anyway, I'm who I am because of her."

"How so?" I wasn't used to conversations in which I didn't already know the answers to the questions I posed. I enjoyed the process of probing immensely.

"Well, I'm pretty much never afraid to try something new. When you live with Renee, there's no such thing as fear."

"And that's a good thing?"

"Sure. I mean life's too short to live afraid of your own shadow right?"

"Sometimes fear is merely instinctual and for good reason."

She shrugged me off. "Yeah, and that's the counter part. Being around her also gave me a level of maturity that I don't see in many of my classmates. I just don't care about typical teenager issues."

"I've noticed."

"You don't either."

"No."

"I guess we're a couple of atypical teenagers then, huh?"

"You could say that," I said chuckling.

I was guarded in what I told her about me. Obviously, I had to stay close the story we'd crafted for public consumption. I hated that underlying every conversation, some lie existed, but I tried to remain true to myself. Things like hobbies, the way I felt about my family, and types of books I enjoyed were all very true. For some insane reason, despite everything I could never reveal, I wanted her to know me, the real me.

I couldn't explain what was happening, but I liked her. When I was with her, I was happier than I could remember being in a very long time. I was certain I'd never been this captivated by an individual—human or vampire.

I couldn't say that my mood improved when I was away from her. In fact, I was positively sullen at home. I didn't know what to say to my family, so I said very little. I had no idea how to label what I was feeling for her. And I wasn't sure I wanted to. I knew there was no future for us. One of the primary reasons people foster relationships is because they see potential. What kind of potential did a relationship have when one was the natural prey of the other? It simply didn't make sense.

Still, those two hours a day became sacred to me. For the first time since being turned, I came to loathe sunny days because they meant I couldn't go to school, and I couldn't have been more grateful that it was a particularly dismal month in the Pacific Northwest.

Every day, we found an excuse to touch. Sometimes, we held hands under the table.

"Do you think it will ever stop?" She asked one day in the library. The tips of our fingers pressing up against each other across a small table.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"Do you think it's because you're so cold?"

"Maybe, but I don't think that's all of it."

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we kissed?"

My breath caught. I didn't need it anyway, but it was habit. How much did I want to reveal? The honest answer was every single second of every fucking minute in every god damned day. I ached for it. But I hadn't even admitted that to myself yet, so I definitely wasn't ready to tell her.

"On occasion," I acknowledged .

She moved her fingers slightly causing the current to shift. I moaned in a voice she couldn't hear.

"Do you think we could try?" she hedged. Panic must have been apparent, though I tried to remain calm because she answered by trying to assuage a typical teenage boy's fear. "I . . . well . . . We can just mess around. It doesn't have to mean anything."

I captured her hand in mind and threaded my fingers through hers. She was looking down at the table. Her eyes shifted up to mine. "I mean . . . unless you wanted it to mean something. I'm okay either way."

Teenaged boys never got it. Hell, grown men missed it most of the time. Insecurity influenced the actions of women and girls throughout history. Insecurity was the parasite that fed from the depressed, the drug addicts, and the desperate young adults who just wanted to be loved. Insecurity was also what drove Rose into the arms of a monster.

Oh hell I couldn't do this. I shouldn't do this. I willed myself to consider the logical seventy five percent. To tell her no. To remind her I was no good for her. To walk away and never come back.

But because I was no good, I didn't say or do the right thing. Her insecurity filled eyes were my Achilles' heel. I was staring that them when I asked, "Are you free on Saturday?"

"Not anymore," she responded.

Thursday and Friday breezed by. I went hunting with Jasper and Emmett on Friday night in preparation. They were both cautious but supportive. Their positions reflective of their mates' perceptions.

"So, what is you see in her?" Emmett came out and asked after we'd gorged ourselves. "I mean she's pretty and everything, but she doesn't stand out to me."

"I don't think I can explain it. I feel very connected to her."

"Do you think the fact that you can't hear her has something to do with it?" Jasper contemplated. "I would think that would be refreshing for you."

I nodded. "I'm sure it does, but it's all chicken and egg at this point." While I was certain her quiet mind was essential to the initial attraction, in the time we'd spent together, I'd come to believe, hers was one to which I wouldn't mind having access

"Has she made any other observations?" Emmett wondered.

"Did Rosalie set you up on that one?" I figured she would be very concerned about Bella's assessments.

He lifted his shoulders and smirked.

"Not that I know of, but I haven't read her notebook lately. She hasn't been asking any questions like that. Our conversations would feel very normal to a human, I think."

"Even the part where you are lying through your teeth?" Emmett laughed.

"Especially that part," I retorted. "Since when is honesty central to a human conversation?"

"How do you feel about lying to her?" Jasper asked. I had a feeling the question was rhetorical. It wasn't as if he weren't already acutely aware of my emotional state at all times.

"I don't have a choice. It's either lie or leave." And I didn't like either one of those options.

"Rose thinks you'll kill her tomorrow," Emmett admitted.

"Alice is fairly certain you won't," Jasper added.

"That puts the odds in my favor now doesn't it?"

"Either way, I'd say," Emmett teased. But I didn't think it was a laughing matter.

Bella agreed to spend the afternoon together. She preferred it actually. Said her father would be gone fishing most of the day, and it was easier to get out of the house that way rather than in the evening.

Originally, I suggested heading out of town—maybe to see a movie in Port Angeles, but she looked disappointed. Then embarrassed when she said she'd hoped for more privacy. Perhaps, I took that too literally.

I told her to wear comfortable shoes, and checked the weather. Cloudy, but little rain expected. Perfect.

She'd clearly been watching for me out the window because she came out of the house the minute I pulled up. I exited my car to greet her, touching her lightly on the elbow to guide her toward the passenger door. Her sigh told me she still felt it. And I hoped she wanted more because I planned to be in contact with her often throughout the day.

She hadn't mentioned kissing, but the way she licked her lips told me it was on her mind.

She was dressed casually. Jeans and a long sleeved grayish blue t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back into a pony tail, and her face was clean of any make up. The unpretentiousness excited me.

"So where are we going?"

"Hiking?" I asked checking whether she would be in agreement.

"I'm not all that coordinated."

"It's okay. I am."

"Any particular destination?"

"A secluded little place I found."

"How secluded?"

"Are you afraid?"

"No . . ." she said hesitantly. "I'm just . . . My dad would want me to consider safety. There are . . . lots of things . . . that could happen when you're alone in the forest."

It took me a moment to assess her answer. I didn't see fear in her eyes, but her heart rate sped slightly, and she fidgeted with the zipper on her jacket. For an instant, I thought maybe her instincts about me had finally kicked in. If it hadn't been for the slightly anticipatory tone of her last few words and the way she shifted in her seat, I might have missed the meaning altogether. After all, vampires don't worry about things like unprotected sex.

The thought hadn't seriously crossed my mind. I was still worried about a potential kiss, and the girl was implying I might have her naked beneath me today. The scintillating scent that nearly resulted in her death the first day I met her slammed back into me with a ferocity that hadn't been there in a couple of weeks.

A vision of biting into her jugular as I thrust inside her forced me to stop breathing. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I knew it was Alice. I couldn't ignore it.

I looked at Bella who appeared confused.

"Do you need one of us nearby?" Alice asked when I picked up the phone.

"No, it's fine." The thought of any of them watching, listening. I knew what that felt like, and I didn't want to be in that position.

"Be careful, Edward. I'd say stay away from those thoughts again, eh?" She laughed, so I assumed she felt some confidence. "Seriously, I could trail you."

"I know," I glanced at Bella who was looking out the window. "Thank you."

"Who was that?" Bella asked.

"Alice." She knew about my siblings from our conversations and because it was a small school, but she'd yet to have any interaction with them.

"Does she always check up on your dates?"

"I don't date."

"Then what is this?"

"What would you like to call it?" I didn't think she'd like it if I'd answered, 'an experiment.'

"I suppose I did leave it open to interpretation, didn't I?" I didn't miss the hint of disappointment in her voice. "So, I guess you never really answered. Will I be safe with you?"

"Do you want to be?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Ditto."

She bit her lip and rubbed her hands on her jeans.

As we walked the trail, I had to go slowly, and it was frustrating, but I could see her putting forth effort to keep up with me, and she issued no complaints, so I didn't either. We hiked to a small clearing I'd found when we first moved here. Too far from trails for there to be other hikers. She wanted privacy. It didn't get much more private than this.

"Wow, this is beautiful," she said surveying the area.

"I agree." I walked up behind her and touched her shoulders. Full palms. It was the most contact we'd experienced. She gasped and then sighed.

"Everything about this is different from hiking in Phoenix."

"I imagine the scenery is a world apart." I paused trying to be subtle. "Did you do a lot of hiking there?" My emphasis on the word hiking was an innuendo, one I wasn't sure she would get, but she'd proven herself quite perceptive.

"Are you asking me if I went on a lot of dates? Not that this is a date of course."

I leaned in closer and breathed into her ear. "Yes."

"Not a lot, no."

I ran my hands from her shoulders down to her hands, slowly letting the heat between us take over her whole arm. I knew better than to breathe.

"What did you typically do on your dates?"

I trailed my fingers back up. When I got to the spot where her collar bone met her neck, I let my fingers dip into the soft spot, kneading softly. I paused. Almost expecting to feel my phone buzz again. I was pushing my luck, with her neck completely exposed. I swiftly removed the band holding her hair captive, freeing it to cascade around her neck, creating a visible barrier. I fisted my hands in the hair near her scalp and began massaging.

"Oh you know. A little of this. A little of that." She was acting calm but her heart raced, and her breath quickened.

She leaned back against me, putting our bodies completely in contact. I let my fingers fall out of her hair and traced a path around her face. A circle first, then a figure eight. Slowly. Only a hint of icey hot touch. Soft vowels escaped her mouth, indicating her desire.

My own resolve was wilting. I wasn't worried about draining her; rather, I feared taking her like an animal here in the in the middle of nowhere with no other living creature prepared to save her from the force of my body crashing into hers.

But I couldn't stop. Didn't want to stop.

My finger outlined her lips, and her tongue darted out to taste. I groaned when the wet tip met my skin.

I pulled my hand back. And waited. I needed to recover. To decide what I could handle.

"Can I see you?" she asked, pleading.

I let go and took a step back, freeing her to turn around. She didn't hesitate. She spun, and we stood, eyes locked on each other.

She moved in slowly with her head lifted up toward me.

"Go slow," I hissed. Still not sure what I might do. She rocked back on one foot, hesitating. Her fingers reached my chest first. Just the tips. They hovered there for a minute before flattening out. I watched shock turn to pleasure as she adjusted to the same full contact I'd just experienced..

"Why are you holding your breath?" she asked.

I exhaled for show, though there was really no air left. And I kissed her.

It was a defensive move, meant to distract her from the fact that I wasn't inhaling.

I hadn't felt a human's lips on mine since 1918, and those were my mother's, so it hardly qualified.

I tried to think of everything soft I'd ever felt—feathers, fur, cotton balls. Nothing compared. Not even in the same ballpark.

No movement, just locked lips. She yielded first. Parting her lips slightly to breathe. I felt the air coming from her mouth, and my tongue reached out to taste it. She took it as an invitation to her own, and she met me half way.

The fireworks boomed. The starts shined. I swear I swooned.

As our lips collided, hands explored. Under shirts, up backs, and along waists. My eyes were closed; I couldn't look without seeing veins and beating pulse points.

All those stupid movies and ridiculous novels. I finally got it. The idea of getting swept away. We could go too far. The consequences would be worse than the unwanted pregnancy or STD a normal teenager would fear.

My face grew warmer, and I reveled in it. I wondered when she's placed her hand on my cheek. I leaned into but felt nothing.

And suddenly everything stopped, and she asked, "What the hell was that?"

My eyes flew open, and I realized the warmth hadn't been a hand at all, but a single passing ray of sun, now tucked back under its cloud blanket.

"Nothing," I lied. My response was instinctual and calculated at the same time.

"I swear to god that was not nothing. What are you?"

And that as they say was that. That question made my decision. The phrasing of that question told me her curiosity hadn't subsided. I aimed for diversionary tactics.

"What do you mean?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Her eyes narrowed in concentration, and she paused before continuing.

"You're not human," she said softly. "What are you?" she repeated.

I could have asked her to elaborate, but I had a feeling the theories she was processing were closer to the truth that I'd be comfortable denying. I could have laughed at her, and told her she was being insane, but that wouldn't have been fair, and it would have completely insulted her intelligence.

I was going to have to leave.

And it was going to hurt.

I closed my eyes, and inhaled her scent. I didn't want this to end. I wasn't done with her yet.

"Just for today, can you pretend I'm just like you?" I whispered. Her answer didn't come quickly.

"And if I can't?"

"The date would have to end right now."

"Not a date, remember?"

"Bella." My tone was near desperate. She had to hear it. There was more silence as she weighed the decision facing her.

"Just for today, Edward."

That was all we had anyway.

**E/N: **

**Need to thank homonster4 as always with a special note about the ideas she's been giving me. So many inspirations on this one. And thanks to jackbauer/staceygirl for her advanced reaction.**

**Now, I know you are all busy with summer and reading all that fabulous fic that has been rocking my world lately, but if you have time for just a small little review, I would be forever grateful.**

**Just one day. What would you do with Edward if you were just pretending for a day? What should bella do?**

**You'll have to wait to see what happens the next day as a blog chapter is coming next.**


	8. Bella's Blog Feb 28, 2009

**A/N: No seriously, you are the best reviewers. I was floored by the response to the last chapter. Your compliments mean more to me than you could know.**

**Pay attention to this one. Lots of little things going on.**

**Not my characters.**

_Bella's Blood Sucking Blog_

_February 28__th__ 2009_

Wannabeavamp85 wrote, "How do you become a vampire?"

Well, this topic has been asked about a bazillion times in the comments sections and in pm's from some of you, but I didn't actually have a good answer until now. I haven't addressed it all because I didn't want to speculate, and until this week, I was really just guessing.

Frankly, I'm glad I can finally put it to bed because I swear someone asks every five minutes.

I had been through all the traditional thoughts on the matter from both popular sources and all the blogs and websites of people who claim to be "real vampires." I knew there had to be holes in what people were saying because so far almost none of the typical theories have turned out to be true.

I pulled out some of my old notes last week when I was getting ready to interview my contact again.

Here are the most common beliefs I found about becoming a vampire.

1. You cannot become a vampire. It is genetic and you must be born one.

2. You are turned by drinking blood—you grow to crave it.

3. You must feed off another vampire.

4. Vampires must nearly drain you and then feed you.

5. There's the classic—you must be bitten three times. Think "I want to suck your blood."

There are variations of course, but these are the top five. I always assumed the answer had to be #1. My rationale was that there would have to be more of them if it were possible to turn us. I mean if they were stronger than humans, why wouldn't they form armies and attempt to colonize humans? It's not really a pleasant thought, but they'd have to have the advantage.

And I guess I sort of thought my first vampire might have been more inclined to hang around if there had been an option for him to change me, but that's neither here nor there.

This is also the most common one on the internet too. If you've Googled the topic, you've probably seen how adamant the "real" vampires are about #1. Even before I learned the truth, I had a feeling they were a bunch of crackpots who either had a weird blood fetish or just liked messing with people. Even though I also thought it was the correct answer, I figured the "real vampires" were using the excuse of genetics to hide the fact that they were complete fakes.

Believe it or not, I did a bunch of digging through medical records, searching for any common abnormalities in births that might show up across history. I was trying to find evidence of vampires anywhere I could. Then I realized how stupid that was because vampires probably weren't having babies in human hospitals. That is if they had babies.

I read this vampire book series once where they had a whole underground society—jobs, hospitals, businesses, etc. I don't know why, but that resonated with me. I suppose in my head I saw them as just like us, so I assumed their social order was the same. That's really when I started looking at buildings in very different ways. Who or what lived in them? What houses might contain a vampire library; what club might have a secret VIP room for vamps only?

Anyway, the long story short is that no vampire I've ever met had been willing to talk about it. It had always been an absolutely off limits topic. It was one of the first questions I'd asked my current contact of course, but he held out too, claiming that was one piece of information it was best left as a mystery.

I'm not entirely sure what prompted him to tell me now, but he did. He encouraged me to share here, but I kind of hesitated before posting this. I can't tell you everything, but let's just say there was more to the story, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe there aren't things in life we're better off not knowing. Anyway, I figured what the hell. I've come this far. Might as well go all the way.

It turns out, none of the previous theories are relevant. I guess that shouldn't have been a surprise.

Humans can be turned, but it is not a common practice. In other words, Dracula isn't running around biting people three times to get lovers or anything like that. But biting is involved.

It's as simple and complex as that.

Vampires are even more effective predators than I thought, and I knew they were good. You may recall that vampires possess a venom which is meant to immobilize their prey; that venom creates an unbelievable pain. What I hadn't known, however, was that left alone, the venom serves as the catalyst for turning a human. It spreads, putting the victim into something of a catatonic state. It would feel like you were burning, on fire really, for days. Usually around three. At some point, your heart would stop beating. When you woke up, you would be a vampire.

Now the reason it's not very common is that for most vampires, the bloodlust is so strong that once blood started flowing, they wouldn't be able to resist not drinking. The natural instinct is for them to drain the victim. It supposedly takes an amazing amount of control for a vampire to turn another.

And in the end, there is very little incentive to do so. While some vampires live in covens, but they tend to be very small. For the most part vampires are quite nomadic, and since they don't really live with human desires, they don't necessarily want to surround themselves with more vampires, if that makes sense. They don't need to reproduce since they don't die, and in the end, a bigger coven just means more difficulties in maintaining a transient lifestyle as well as more competition over prey. So beyond the fact that it's difficult to do, turning a human into a vampire is just not something most vampires need or want to do.

The majority of vampires were actually changed by accident—for some reason the sire had to leave in a hurry, but my contact told me that there have been times in history when a renegade group made a play to form an army of sorts, turning as many humans as possible in a short period of time. I don't know why , but of everything I've learned this has me looking over my shoulder more.

Anyway, thankfully, there is some kind of governing body who steps in when this happens. That group is quite powerful, and they are also the reason why no vampire group has taken over the humans. I tried to ask more questions about why exactly they govern and some details about how they work, but that was all he would tell me.

So those are the facts. Basically, being turned doesn't seem like a fun thing—more painful than most of the traditional theories would have you believe. And I guess now I'm more leery of the motivations a vampire would have for doing it. Definitely not a love bite from George Hamilton. Whether it's worth it or not, I don't know anymore.

Oh and before I sign off, a note to Immortalbelovedpwnsme—My source is a vampire. Clearly there are no published sources on this subject, so quit asking me for a bibliography.

As always, Happy Hunting. But I'm going to add something this time. Be careful.

_Edward_

_Present day_

I hated this blog entry. I hated it more than any of the others. Even now as I read it for the umpteenth time, I could still recall every detail of how I felt the first time I read it. The anger and fear overtook me. Fear for her, fear for my family. Anger at her, anger at her contact, anger at myself. Everything I had done. Lying, leaving. It was all for naught. We ended up in exactly the place I was trying to avoid.

I didn't think, couldn't think. From that point, everything was about instinct and action.

This topic must have resulted in a collective gasp in the vampire world. This had been the entry that forced me to confront her, to try to save her from the inevitable. It was also the one that prompted Alice's vision of the Volturi coming to visit.

Whomever her current contact was had set her up. Had to have. He had to know what kind of attention this would draw.

All of the other pieces of information could be dismissed, ignored, even laughed at. But the Volturi had protected this bit even more than the rest and not only from humans. They counted on the fact that most vampires woke up with no one to explain how they had been turned. Most were born alone, abandoned by someone who had been unable to complete a task. Most relied on instinct to lead them to sustenance.

The escape of this guarded secret posed a threat. To everyone. If all it took was a bite and some control, the outcome could be devastating to the entire social order.

Even Carlisle hadn't known the truth about the simplicity of the act, and my turning was far more complicated than it needed to be.

Carlisle spent time with the Volturi long before he found me. Their lifestyle was extravagant, privileged, and entirely different from his own. They didn't hunt; they herded. He was at odds the entire time he was there; they were baffled by his choice to drink only from animals, to "deny his true nature." He'd been able to leave on good terms though that wasn't always the case. If you had something they wanted, they didn't let you walk away.

He also learned that they saw their sole purpose as maintaining order, the foundation of which was keeping the secret of our existence. Anything that threatened to break the rule was dealt with. Swiftly. Permanently.

Carlisle said they had eyes everywhere.

There was no way to know how long anyone else had been following Bella's blog, or whether this particular discussion simply caused people to take notice.

Regardless, her contact had to be pushing for that escalation. The only things I knew about him were that he was knowledgeable and must have had a significant amount of control himself to maintain contact with humans. But why had he fed her information? Accurate at that?

I'd driven myself crazy trying to figure out, but it didn't matter at this point who he was or why he'd done it. She was gone, and it all seemed to link back to one place.

I only hoped I'd get there in time.

**E/N: 2 short things. First, remember Bella only has pieces, so she's putting together a puzzle. She may not always have clarity as a result. Second, there are little clues about what's going on throughout this one. What parts of the mystery do you think are revealed here?**

**I think I'm going to wait until after the holiday weekend to post the next chapter. Since you have to wait, I'll offer up a teaser in exchange for your review.**


	9. Life is but a dream

**A/N: I really love your reviews. I'm not lying when I say I think you are the best. **

**Welcome back to the meadow. Let's see if they are as naughty as you all would be with one day.**

**The characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 5—Life is but a dream_

_EPOV_

One day. Not even a full day. It was not nearly enough. But I dragged it out as long as I possibly could.

I had to. Because by the end of that single day, it was about more than her blood, or the way my body reacted to hers.

It was about her wit, how different she was from other humans, everything that was said, or rather wasn't, in the moments of silence between us. Oh god, the silence. It was about the way every single part of her called to every single sense of mine.

By the time I dropped her off at home, one tragic reality lay before me.

I wanted more time with her. Not once since being turned had I ever longed for time.

I couldn't identify an exact emotion, but I knew leaving had become infinitely more difficult. And absolutely necessary.

So, I had given in to that one day.

We laughed. We kissed. My hands grazed her breasts. She arched into me and moaned.

We talked. We kissed again. I lifted her shirt, and licked her nipples. She gasped and demanded more.

We shared stories. We kissed deeper and desperately. I let one hand undo her jeans and slip inside. I brought her to climax rubbing and stroking. She convulsed and cried out my name.

While she came down, I sucked lightly on her neck, and dragged my tongue back and forth along the skin that served as covering for her jugular. In the beat of a heart, I could rip the flesh and feel the rich, warm blood filling my mouth.

I groaned into her wishing I could scrape my teeth playfully across her collar bone, but as sharp as they were, even that would draw blood.

I was being an absolute shit. She still didn't know what she was pretending for. She'd accepted my request without question. She probably thought she'd get the truth tomorrow.

With the sparks that were set off by our touches, I wasn't playing fair. I doubted she could replicate that orgasm with her own hand, or anyone else's. I had a feeling if she'd touched me like that, I'd never be the same.

She wanted to try. She reached for the button of my pants, but I grabbed her wrist. She relaxed her hand into mine, but she appeared confused.

"I want to," she whispered.

And I wanted it as well. Want wasn't the problem. Or maybe it was. If I could let go of the want, I could let go of her.

I released her hand, and she slowly found her way back, but this time sensing my apprehension, she didn't try to remove any clothing. She moved slowly and rhythmically, not pushing me past my hesitation. My hips moved in time with her palm.

She grew impatient. She rubbed harder, faster. Clearly she could feel the reaction she was getting.

"Please, Edward. Let me . . ." I should have said no. I intended to say no.

But her hand was back at the button. Pulling at it. She got frustrated and swore.

I should have laughed, and told her it was a sign, but I moved her fingers gently away, and made quick work of my own button. She sighed.

Tentatively, I felt her touch inching back to my zipper, her eyes locked on mine. As slowly as she'd been moving, I didn't expect the sudden motion when she yanked it down.

I kept waiting for my phone to buzz in my pocket. Alice had to know what was going to happen if I let this continue. This couldn't be good, could it? I opened my mouth to tell her to stop.

Before I got the words out, her hand slipped past the waistband of my underwear. The tops of her fingers grazed just the tip of me, and my hips jerked. And instead of saying stop, I uttered an "Oh fuck."

Bella's eyes went wide, and she bit her lip, but she went lower, taking as much of me in her tiny grasp as she could. I exhaled, and she sighed.

"I've never done this before. Does it feel right?"

"Hell yes," I groaned.

She was unsure in her touch, but it didn't matter. The currency in our skin to skin contact made up for any hesitancy in her maneuvers. I rocked my hips into her, and it bolstered her confidence. She grabbed harder and moved faster. She owned me then. I rolled to my side more so I could take hold one of her breasts. Her hand slowed briefly while she took in the sensation, but she resumed her vigorous pace.

I had no heart to race, and no need to breathe, but I forced myself to pant knowing that was the reaction she expected. I had few ways to let her know the impact she was having, and it wouldn't be right for her to think she was ineffective.

I continued my heavy breathing and moaning, but it was no longer a calculated move. The sounds and breaths escaped my control.

With her brisk tempo, the burn built faster than expected. Small flames teased and tortured me. It was like nothing I had ever felt. The combination of our hot and cold skin and the sparks we generated quickly escalated to an inferno. She sensed my impending combustion, and held a little tighter. The slight shift in her effort ignited my explosion.

As my body shook, images flashed through my mind's eye. Bella naked. Bella underneath me. Bella bleeding. Bella dead in my arms. I gripped the ground next to me, yanking the grass out well past the root. I yelled, and shot away from her, faster than I should have. Faster than a human would have.

I heard her gasp, and I didn't care. Better scared than lifeless.

I felt the vibration in my pocket, and I pulled my phone out. One line flashed across the screen.

_U won't hurt her._

I walked back into the meadow tentatively. She sat with her arms wrapped around her knees, rocking slightly back and forth. Her head snapped up when she heard the crunch of a branch.

"I'm sorry," I said, still keeping some distance between us.

"What did I do wrong?" she questioned. I shook my head slightly. I had bolted at inhuman speed and her concern was only for her performance.

"Bella, nothing was wrong. It was all too right. I just needed to get myself under control." Her brows furrowed then. She had more questions. The realization had hit her.

She looked down, and whispered, "Just for today, right?"

The questions must have been eating her alive, but she didn't voice any of them. She kept her head down.

"I've never felt like that before. I've never had anyone . . . touch me . . . that way. I just wanted you to feel like that too." When she looked back up, her eyes were wet, and I wanted to pull a tree out and throw it in frustration. I was such an asshole.

I sat down next to her, and pulled her into my arms.

"You did. Don't you ever doubt that, Bella." I kissed the top of her head and held her the rest of the afternoon.

We talked very little. We didn't need to.

We said goodbye with a single chaste kiss; she was concerned her father might be watching.

I didn't tell her I'd call her; we made no plans. I avoided the inevitable truth because I knew I couldn't handle seeing her face. I would never be strong enough to do the right thing if she begged me to stay.

I drove home, knowing some version of chaos would greet me upon arrival. I was surprised by what came first.

Rosalie was on the front porch with her head in her hands.

I knew she heard me approach, but she didn't look up. I sat down next to her.

"How soon?" The genuine concern in her tone threw me off guard.

"Tonight."

"Can't you just stay here? Stop going to school and all that, but stay at the house."

"I don't think I can be this close to her right now."

"Why not? So what if something happens? We all make mistakes."

"Rosalie, I can't do that to her. Or to Carlisle. Or myself. And that's not the only reason anymore. She's too perceptive. And I can't trust myself to stay away from her right now." There was more to it, but I wasn't ready to share it with Rosalie.

She contemplated for a minute.

"Okay, so maybe eventually?"

"I honestly don't know." We stared at each other intently for a while. I was struggling to identify her emotion. There were moments of anger, flashes of fear, but I swear I saw jealousy skirting around the edges.

"Carlisle thinks we should stay to monitor things for a while. I think we should go with you. Wipe the slate clean."

I shook my head. "It wouldn't be fair to you," I said.

"Lots of things aren't fair. I'll get over it," she insisted. "We've moved for others before."

I was surprised by her reaction. I couldn't figure out why it mattered to her.

We were the only ones who knew the truth of our history. Secrets were nearly impossible in this family, but we'd guarded this one carefully, knowing it would be misperceived.

She didn't really want me back then, and she surely didn't want me now, but we'd always balanced each other in a way. What happened between us all those years ago hadn't been about love or even sex. It had been about power and control and raw emotion.

It's why she continued to push me to the limit.

She found Emmett only weeks after it happened. She couldn't look me in the eye for a long time. I think she was afraid that she had broken my heart. I never confirmed or denied her speculation.

"I don't think I can handle being around you all right now," I hedged, hoping she wouldn't ask for a reason.

Her thoughts hurt. She was holding something back. I could hear a voice banging in her head trying to escape the prison she'd locked it in.

Yes, she hated the idea of all of us being split, even for a short time. And I could feel her anguish. She loved Emmett; that was never in question. She'd always found some strange comfort in having me at arm's length though. I couldn't say I'd ever understood it.

And then suddenly, a switch flipped, and her prisoner was free. It ran through her mind, enjoying freedom, but stumbled on its own uncertainty.

I was right. It wasn't about her want for me at all. But she wanted me to want her. To need her. She'd held some misguided hope that she had been the reason I'd never loved Tanya. Believed I might have still been pining for her.

A part of me wanted to laugh at her, but the bigger part simply felt sorry for her.

"I'm sorry." I stood up to go into the house. She grabbed my arm. "It's not forever, Rosalie."

"_Promise me,"_ she demanded silently. I nodded, and left her on the step. Tearless sobs echoing in her head. She needed time to lock the thoughts back up, to forget.

Saying goodbye to the others was easier. Alice had already prepared them that my mind was set, and in reality, they all agreed it was probably for the best at this point.

They wanted more time in this location. Carlisle loved the hospital, and there was so little sun. I wasn't going to destroy that. They saw this as a temporary necessity. I don't know why it seemed so simple. We all assumed that with me gone, Bella would simply move on. Let it go.

I vowed to keep in touch as I packed a few bags.

No one asked the question to which I didn't have an answer . . . where was I going?

I meant for my exit to follow immediately. Honestly, when I ended up in front of her house at one a.m., I couldn't remember driving there. Somewhere in the back of my mind I justified my actions—I was going to take last look at the notebook before I left.

I listened to the sounds. I had always loved the relative quiet of night. Televisions had been shut down for the night, along with the majority of thoughts. I still heard plenty. Buzzing of fans, insects chirping, dreams coming to life the in the unconscious.

The unconscious mind was a better storyteller than all the Pulitzer Prize winning authors combined; the tales took risks and altered timelines. They created characters who stole your emotions with a crook of the finger or a bat of the eye. They could be dark and disturbing one second and transform to light and joyous the next.

I could only hear one dream tonight. It didn't mean there weren't more in the vicinity. Certainly, the pages of the mind were turning in houses up and down the street. Call me a narcissist, but I stopped listening to all but the one in which I starred. It was jarring. I had no idea why I had access to her sleeping thoughts but not her waking ones, but I wasn't going to look the gift horse in the mouth.

I needed to be closer to the projector of my image. I longed to see the expression on her face as she dreamed of me.

I stole out of my car swiftly. I already knew the best way in was to climb the tree outside her window. I'd been here before, though I'd never entered.

Until tonight.

She hadn't been dreaming the other night I hovered in the tree. I wouldn't have been able to maintain my perch if she had been.

The window creaked slightly as I pushed it up. I watched for signs of recognition on Bella's part. But there were none. Once inside I stood on the floor halfway between her window and her bed.

Bella lay sprawled across it, a sheet barely draped over one thigh. T-shirt riding up, revealing skin that was meant to be grabbed in the heat of the moment. Plain white cotton panties were all she wore on the bottom. Simplicity and functionality.

She lay half on her side, with one leg moving almost imperceptibly up and down the other. Her right arm was draped across her forehead. Her lips slightly parted.

I walked closer to the picture of me her mind conjured. Bella and I were on a date. Completely unoriginal. Dinner and a movie. I almost laughed at the lack of creativity—it was exactly what I'd planned for today originally. But something was off in this mundane scene. I couldn't place it.

I listened intently to the conversation she concocted.

"_So, what do you want to see?"_

"_I haven't even looked to see what's out."_

"_Genre preference?"_

"_You already know the answer to that."_

"_You like the horror."_

"_Always."_

Her mind was processing me. It gave me some relief. Perhaps when all was said and done, she would realize the danger I represented. Her left hand suddenly reached out to nowhere in particular as she said my name out loud. "Edward."

It was then I figured out what was off. I was human in her dream. She'd darkened my skin and given my face imperfections. Two of my bottom teeth were slightly crooked, and my eyes were not yellow or red. They were green. How could she know?

I couldn't possibly tear myself way now.

Her eyes were still closed; neither her breathing nor her heart had moved into a different sleep stage, so I took the invitation along with the dream version of myself. When he took her hand, I slid into her bed, and lay on my side, watching her.

"_What is it about the genre that interests you? I've never understood the desire to pay for fear."_

"_It's so much more than that. There's mystery and suspense. How much of that do you really get in life these days? People are so damned predictable." _Even in my dream I couldn't argue with that_. "And then, well the concept of evil and the characters are so interesting. Done right, you can almost feel sorry for the bad guy in the end. And don't get me started on the sexual imagery that goes along with the fear."_

"_Hmm, you like associating sex and fear?"_

She blushed in her sleep. Her legs began to rub together more rapidly. I ghosted my fingers from the wrist of her arm all the way down to her hips. Her body shifted in response. Her t-shirt was thin, and I could see the outline of her breasts as she arched slightly seeking more.

"That feels good, Edward." I stopped, once again looking for some sign that she was waking. Seeing none, I followed the same path back up her side, but this time, I let my hand slip under her shirt.

"Shhh, I'm not really here, Bella."

"I know, but I like pretending with you. Can we pretend some more?"

My thumb flicked at her nipple. Her left hand began to move. She exhaled with a moan. Her dream started back up.

"_I'm not afraid now."_

"_Maybe you should be."_

I wasn't sure I could handle what was coming when I saw her fingers dip down below the safety of her panties.

I couldn't resist the allure of her pleasuring herself while dreaming of me.

I inched her shirt up further, and once her breast was revealed, I bent my head down to take it in my mouth. Her body jerked in response. I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or the heat of the electricity between us.

"Oh god that feels good," she breathed.

I touched her hand which was working frantically toward her release.

"Would you like help with that?" I moaned.

"Mmm hmm," she whined as her hand stilled.

"Then you have to promise me one thing. You can't wake up. Can you keep that promise? Even if you have to keep pretending."

"Uh huh." Her breathing had picked up now.

I slid down her body, looping her panties with my thumbs, slipping them off in the process. I skimmed the inside of her thighs with my fingers, and she spread them wider. Her scent accosted me, and I nearly cried out.

Instead, I dipped my head down, letting my tongue explore the secrets my hand had learned earlier in the day. Her heart was pumping faster, and the smell of her blood and arousal mingled, setting my throat on fire. My thirst raged while my tongue put out the flames of her desire. This was the taste I'd been waiting for since the day we met. Every once in a while, I slipped my tongue lower, to the source of her excitement, attempting to sate my thirst one way or another.

I was all too aware of another lovely vein only inches from my face. One little slip . . .

Her cry of "Oh god yes," right before her body convulsed, brought me back from that temptation and slammed me hard into another. I wanted inside her. All the way inside. As deep as I could go, as hard as she could take it.

I wanted to stay. I needed to leave. I wished she would beg me to fuck her.

A growl escaped me before I could contain it.

She rolled over, and her eyes fluttered. "Shhh, don't wake up, remember?"

"Mmm, will you stay?"

"For a while. I'll be gone before you wake."

She teetered on the edge of her conscious and unconscious mind. Clearly no one could stay completely asleep through that, but her dream tuned in and out, indicating she was neither fully here nor there.

When it flickered back up, her dream understood the double meaning.

I had changed. Pale skin, black eyes. Cowering Bella.

I was morphing. Changing. Turning into something not me. Not human.

A monster. She whimpered in fear. No matter how strong she may have seemed, she was still scared of this unpredictable creature.

I ran my hand down her hair to calm her. "It's okay, Bella. He won't hurt you anymore. He's gone, Bella. He's gone."

I leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

I was out the window already when I heard a sharp inhale and a gasp of, "Edward?"

This was right. This would keep her safe.

My resolve steered the car that night because I wasn't capable.

**E/N: Whew. They connected a little in that one day, huh? How will he ever stay away? Speaking of which, how realistic did you find it in NM that he never checked up on her all that time? **

**I have a few words of thanks. To hmonster4 as always and some extra lovin' for Daisy3853 for giving the chapter a looksie. Thank you to mmm_feathers for pimping me on the Twigasm site and to Whynot/fatallyobsessed for singing my praises on her threads. **

**Next up, more EPOV on what happens after he leaves.**

**Now, I need to know what you thought of that one day so hit that review button and fill me in!**


	10. We are but older children

**A/N: Here we are at the NM phase. It won't be a whole book's worth, I promise.**

**The characters are not mine.**

_Chapter six: We are but older children_

_EPOV  
_

The first week away was pathetic.

When I left her house that night, I made it about 100 miles before I pulled over to the side of the road and retched. I needed to purge, to try to rid my system of all traces of her. She would never leave my mind; I would never forget her scent, but just for that moment, maybe I could be the one to pretend.

I was only able to drive for another hour before I needed to stop for the day.

The windows on the Volvo weren't tinted dark enough, and I hated to think how many accidents I might cause driving down the highway in broad daylight.

I could imagine the poor driver trying to explain it away.

"_I was driving along, minding my own business, when this guy passed me, and his skin was shining like diamonds. I was blinded by it."_

"_Excuse me ma'am, but have you been drinking?"_

"_I swear, officer, he was sparkling."_

It almost made me laugh. But it wasn't a laughing matter. Well, maybe a little.

I was in the middle of nowhere with no good tree cover, so a hotel was necessary. "Hotel" was too generous a title. The better term would be dilapidated roadside motel.

It was the kind of place bad things happened in. The bed reeked of semen, and I was grateful I didn't need to use the shit streaked toilet.

I chose this place though. There was a perfectly good mid level chain hotel about five miles down the road. But I didn't belong there. Monsters didn't deserve clean sheets, mints on the pillow, or little bottles of shampoo in the bathroom.

Monsters deserved fleas, remnants of drug deals, and stench.

This was the perfect hotel for me.

I sat on the chair in the corner. Trying not to think about Bella. Failing miserably.

When I envisioned her body splayed in invitation, I slammed my fist down hard on the table next to me splintering into a million pieces.

By the time dusk fell, I had plotted my next destination, determined the number of miles I would drive, and figured out when and where I would next hunt.

But being the complete ass that I am, I got in the car as the light faded and headed straight back toward Forks.

I got within about fifteen miles before I slammed on the breaks, and pulled off to the side of the road. Fuck. What was I doing? I couldn't go back. I could not be near her. One way or another, my staying would mean her death. And that would be unacceptable. Unbearable. Literally.

I had to go. I absolutely had to go.

I stayed in my car for three hours, until I felt a surge of resolve. I pounded the steering wheel, started the engine and whipped the car around. I took off in another direction.

Rage, desperation, sadness, and injustice fought for domination inside me. Around three, rage was winning so I stopped to drain three deer before sadness came back swinging.

By morning, I found another dump, equally repulsive and resplendently perfect.

Once again, my course was set by nightfall. And for second time, I went in the exact opposite direction of my plans.

I had turned off my phone, trying to create as much distance as possible, but by the third night, the silence was deafening. I needed help. I called Alice.

"Indecisive much?" She giggled, but didn't seem amused.

"Understatement," I retorted. I didn't know what I expected from her or why I was calling, but I wasn't finding any answers on my own.

"Why don't you at least come to the house instead of sitting in your car all night?" It was a fair question, and I'd obviously considered it.

"Because I'd never leave."

"Well silly that would be the point." I could hear the "duh" in her tone.

"Alice, I honestly don't know what to do." I didn't need to say more. She knew the decisions I'd been struggling to make.

"Everyone keeps asking me how you are, and I have no idea what to tell them. What should I tell them?"

"I wish I knew, Alice."

"I haven't told them where you are either. You know Emmett would be there to pound some sense into you if he knew you were just down the road."

"Thank you. I just . . . I don't know what to say to anyone.." I had actually wondered if they knew.

"You can't keep this up, you know?"

"I'm aware of that. It's just . . . I'm so conflicted."

"I gathered." I could almost see her wandering around her room as she talked to me. Turning around in circles, bouncing on the bed, walking to the window. She was antsy. She knew what I was going to ask next.

"How is she?"

"Bella?" The mock innocence was annoying.

"Alice."

"Sorry, um, actually, not so good."

"What do you mean?" My tone was accusatory and I immediately felt like a hypocrite. I was the one responsible for whatever state Bella was in, but Alice must have understood because she ignored it.

"She's a mess, Edward. She's not eating or sleeping. She didn't come to school the next morning, so I went to check on her. She was pacing around her room, and suddenly she was at the window. I don't think she saw me, I was tucked way in, and it was dark, but she stared at the tree for a long time. She opened the window, and called out, 'Edward?' She waited, and when she didn't get a response, she fell apart in the middle of the room. It was heartbreaking. I almost went in to comfort her.

I wanted to retch again. I felt sick. My head was dizzy, and my stomach was in knots. I hadn't been sick in over a hundred years. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this awful.

I thought she'd be mad. I thought she'd go to school and tell everyone what jerk I was.

"We set up kind of a suicide watch for her. Rosalie was pretty pissed about that, but none of us wanted her death on our hands. Sorry, but it's , she came back to school today. I think her dad forced the issue. He was threatening to send her back to Phoenix, and she didn't want to go. She was like a walking zombie. I don't think she talked to anyone, and people just kind of avoided her. She sat at a table by herself in the lunch room and all the kids just kind of stared at her. It was pathetic really."

I threw my head back against my seat.

"I don't know what to do." Bella's reaction was so unexpected, it threw me. I'd seen her as so strong, so brave. Her inability to cope made me realize she was more insecure than I'd anticipated. A part of me wanted to run back and scoop her in my arms, but the other part knew that her weakness was the exact reason I should say away. It was why I left in the first place. She is human.

"You are only a few minutes away. Maybe you could go to her. Give her some closure or something."

I closed my eyes and imagined what I would see. It wasn't much of a stretch. At this time of the night, she was probably in her semi naked repose. The sleeping figure rolled over, and one leg crossed over the other as she rested on her side. Revealing the perfect curve of her backside, uninhibited by pants or blankets.

"Oh never mind, then!" Alice interrupted. "Obviously, you wouldn't be able to handle that. Sheesh. You're as bad as Emmet."

I chuckled. But I felt the ache in my chest where my heart used to beat. It didn't seem fair. How fucking long I wanted for someone who would spark a flame? And now all I'd done was to cause her an unimaginable pain.

"What are my options, Alice?"

"You already, know."

"Humor me."

"Well, come back and keep doing what you were doing."

"Too dangerous. Even if I didn't kill her, she'll figure too much out. She already suspects too much. The Volturi have too big a reach. What else?"

"I suppose you've got option #2."

"Change her?"

"Yes."

"I can't do that."

"Is what we are so bad?"

"Soulless eternity? It's not exactly a dream come true, Alice."

"You could give her the choice. I mean maybe if she's the one . . ."

"No, I won't condemn her to being a monster."

Alice didn't' say anything else. None of the others were willing to see us for what we were.

"Then I guess all you have left is to leave."

"That's what I thought."

"But I really wish you would do something for her. Isn't there anyway to explain? It's really bad, Edward. I'm not getting very clear reads on anything for her because she's kind of checked out. Not really making any decisions."

"I don't know, Alice. I'll think about it okay?"

"Thanks. Oh and Edward?"

"Yes."

"If you're going to go, go. Don't keep doing this to yourself, or to me, every night. I kind of get my hopes up when I know you're this close." For all my years of experience, for all my complaints that I didn't need a "parents," I felt exactly like a seventeen year old boy. So consumed with my own problems that I had completely disregarded the effect on others.

I drove as far away as I could that night, and the next night, I kept going in the opposite direction of Forks. I weaved through the landscape of the northern states, crossing up into Canada here and there. I seriously considered ditching the car and blending into the natural landscape, but I wasn't ready to let go of myself that way. My cars had always represented love, but now it was a home, a source of stability, a reminder of humanity. Without it, I could easily give into base needs and wants. When I thought of detaching myself from civilization, my reflection in the mirror looked too much like the monster in Bella's dreams for my liking.

Alice had nailed my options in regards to Bella perfectly. In the end I left to secure her safety. On two levels. From me, of course. Though I had to admit if I could survive feeling her climax against my tongue, the chances of my slipping were less pronounced than even Carlisle expected.

Carlisle. He wanted me to leave. He never came out and said it, but I knew it because it was what he did. He'd stated it so simply, so clearly. Staying with a human Esme wasn't an option. It wasn't right. What would he think of me if I were too weak to stay away?

In knowing me, her safety was compromised in other ways as well. There was a good reason why humans didn't know vampires existed. Anymore anyway. The Volturi. A guard of sorts, peacekeepers, royalty? I'm not really sure what to call them. I've never met a member of the Volturi, and I didn't particular long for the opportunity. They stayed in Italy unless there was a problem. Like an out of control vampire, or a nosy human.

We worked hard to make sure the water was calm when we left a location. And there had been times when we'd cut out much earlier than we wanted to simply because of suspicion.

It was never worth the risk no matter how long it had been since you'd run across another of our kind. You never knew where Volturi spies might be lurking.

With my phone off, I holed myself up in Minnesota for a while. Yet another dump of a motel in the middle of nowhere. I didn't leave the room. I watched the clock move. I lamented my life. I wallowed in the sea of my self sacrifice. Hitting the top of the water hard with my flat palm to watch my disappointment spray in the air.

And then I giggled. Like a god damn teenaged girl. Serves me fucking right. Couldn't have a spark with Rose or so much as a glowing ember for Tanya but my whole fucking existence burned for this insignificant little human girl. Absolutely brilliant! Why not? Sure, spend your years shutting out the lovemaking and pillow talk of your family. Do the right thing and break off a good fuck because you know it wasn't the right thing to do. And end up here.

Not that I knew where here was. What did I want from this girl? Her body, obviously. Her blood, undoubtedly. But I could have had either already, both even. Somehow I knew that if I took either or both, it still wouldn't be enough. I could never get enough of her.

Because it wasn't about the body at all. Not really. I wanted more than a physical connection with her. I wanted to know her, to laugh with her, to learn with her. I wanted the one thing that I didn't have access to her, her mind.

But she wasn't wherever here was. Never would be. And I was about to spend eternity pining for a human girl. Who will move on. Who will take other lovers. Who will grow old. Who will die. I would never do any of those things.

And I lived somewhere in between the past and the future, suspended in time and space. Wanting what I had for such a short period of time—whatever it was. Lust? Desire? Friendship? Love? The lack of an appropriate title didn't make it any less real.

I jumped into future scenes, imagining how it could all play out. A seventy year old Bella laying next to a seventeen year old me. I thought the movie _Harold and Maude_ was as funny as the next person, but the reality was less appealing. . It wasn't about the sex alone though—it wasn't a realistic prospect for so many reasons—we'd never be equal in that scenario.

I changed the channel in my mind, to envision us as equals. She stood next to me matching my skin, my eyes, my strength. We ran. We hunted. We loved. And I could almost make myself believe it was a viable option. Came close to convincing myself I could go back and turn her right now. Or I could wait. She was human; she was weak. Eventually, she would have to need saving right? Maybe I could have a happily ever after a la Carlisle and Esme.

There were three problems with that idea. First, it couldn't be healthy to spend your time waiting for your partner to become gravely injured. I didn't know much about relationships, but somehow that seemed like an ill foundation. Second, as much as the idea of an equal excited me, I wondered how I would feel about Vampire Bella. Would the spark still be there? Or was it caused by the heat of her body connected to my coldness? Was it connected to the rhythmic pounding of her beating heart, the swishing of her blood through her veins and arteries? There would be no way to know until the deal was done. It would be just my luck to change her and no longer want her. But forever responsible for her well-being.

The final problem was that if I stared long enough at that station in the future, her image changed. She shifted from our side by side stance, and turned to face me. And every time she did, her appearance morphed much like the image of me had in her dream. Eventually, there was little humanity left to what I saw .

I couldn't make her a monster too.

Quite simply, my choices sucked. I wanted to make them go away. There was only one way to do that, and it wasn't easy. I'd had a long life. I'd loved my family. I'd saved lives and taken them. I'd felt the inside of a woman and had one climb inside my head and take up residence there. Maybe it was time. But how? I could only think of one way . . . The Volturi. So I passed more time exploring the quickest ways to ensure my demise.

The vibration of my phone alerted me to a new text.

_CYE. A_

I had an email address, though it was rarely used for anything personal. I hadn't checked messages in over a week, but save for junk mail, Alice's was the only new message.

Sent:

From: Alice Whitlock

To: Edward Cullen

_Subject: Bella_

_I found these in her garbage can. I scanned them for you so you could see them. Please do something._

I opened the attachment to see Bella's handwriting. It was always sloppy, but on the first page, she seemed to have taken exceptional care.

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry if I pushed too hard. I've been thinking a lot about it, and maybe I scared you off. I didn't expect a relationship with you or anything. I enjoyed your company. That day with you was the best of my life, and I don't think anything could ever compare. _

_Yes, I was very curious about you, but I could have waited. I would have. Someday maybe you would be willing to tell me. In the meantime, I could live with the wonder if it meant I could live with you here. _

_I'm having a hard time finding a groove since you left. Nothing seems right anymore. I know that sounds strange, and maybe that's part of the reason you left too. As strange as things were with you, it's the only time I've ever really felt normal. _

_I miss you,_

_Bella_

I banged my head against the wall, leaving a rather large divot. The problem was that I understood exactly what she meant. I wasn't sure whether I was reacting to the words themselves or the idea that she had poured herself into them. She was on the other side of these papers somewhere out there. I scrolled down the page and read on.

_Dear Edward,_

_I am confused. Did I do something wrong? I thought things were going pretty well, and the day we spent together was amazing. I've never felt anything like that before. _

_I read the note you left in the car, and it just said you were leaving and wouldn't be back. Why? Did something happen? Are you mad at me? _

_If I did something, I can fix it. If you give me a chance, I can be a better friend or whatever you want me to be. I'll do anything you ask. Just please let me know what I did to make you go away. Please call me._

_Bella_

I growled at the end of the second letter. The sting of her insecurity lingered. I did that. I was not a good man. I was almost grateful to see the tone shift in the third letter.

_Edward,_

_Why did you leave? Why? How could you just leave like that with no real explanation? I didn't expect to be your girlfriend or anything, but I thought we were friends. More than friends obviously. I don't exactly run around dropping my pants for any guy you know. I really liked you. _

_You know it's really not fair to think you had this great day with someone, to open yourself up in ways you never had. Then you wake up the next day to find out he's just gone. . It's enough to give a girl a complex. Did you know I never got off with a guy before? Did you care that it was like a first time for me? Did you even think about how I would feel?. Iit was really shitty, and I think I deserved better than that. I know I did. _

_You owe me an explanation. _

_Bella_

She was right. She did deserve an explanation, but I had none to give. When I read the last letter, I wished I could high five her.

_Edward,_

_You are a mother fucking asshole, and I hate your mother fucking guts._

_Bella_

I'd been waiting for that anger. I took it as a good sign. Anger trumped sadness in a situation like this. It was external—let her focus her energy on my faults rather than hers. It might propel her to forget about me someday. To move on to a nice normal boy who didn't sparkle in the sun or dream about sucking the life out of her, literally. Unfortunately, the notes didn't end with her calling me a motherfucker. If they had, it would all have been much simpler. Alice scribbled across the top of the last one: "_This is from today_." She wanted me to know the problem was current.

_E,_

_I'm scared about how I feel. I think I love you. I don't know if I can live without you._

_B._

It might have been the desperation. It might have been Alice's pleading. It may very well have been the fact that I was too weak to do anything else. I didn't even know what I was going to say. I couldn't tell you what I thought calling her would accomplish.

All I knew was the sound of Bella's voice brought me to my knees.

"Hello?"

"Bella," I breathed.

She gasped and in the quietest voice asked, "Is it really you?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does to me."

I should have had words, but they failed me. I listened to her breathe. I could hear the rhythmic pounding of her heart a thousand miles away. I closed my eyes and listened to the thumping and pumping.

"Are you still there?" she whispered.

"Yes."

"Why did you leave?" Her voice remained soft and tentative.

"I had to. I just had to go."

"Did I do something?"

"No. . . well yes. But it's not your fault. It's mine."

"I don't understand."

"I know, and I'm sorry." There was no way to explain this.

"Are you coming back?"

"I don't think so." I hated myself for my lack of answers.

"Why did you call?"

"I don't know that either. I don't think it's a good idea. I just want you to be safe."

"Safe? From what?"

"From lots of things. From me. From yourself."

"You wouldn't hurt me." It hadn't escaped me that she didn't say she was safe from herself.

"Things aren't always what they seem, Bella."

"Don't I know it? But what are they, Edward? What did you do to me?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"I can't eat. I can't focus on anything. I see you everywhere. I can't even sleep without you being there. Every song makes me think of you. What did you do? Was it a spell of some sort? A drug? Some sort of implant? Am I like wired to you now or something?"

"You're not making sense."

"Edward, you fucking sparkled in the sunlight! Your skin is so cold it burns to touch you. I don't know what sense is anymore. It would be so nice if something made sense for a change!"

"You've got to let this go. You just have a crush on a boy. Sometimes we can convince ourselves of things that don't exist."

"Don't exist huh? You think I'm crazy now? Well, I don't know what to think about any of this. All I know is t hat I felt good with you. Better than I ever have. It felt right to me. Tell me it didn't feel good to you."

I didn't answer.

"I know you came back that night. I played your game; I kept pretending. You couldn't stay away. You can't now either."

"I have to Bella."

"But you don't want to?"

Again, I remained silent.

"Fine, we're getting nowhere. Are you going to change your number?" As painful as it was, the return of her spunk sparked a smile from me.

She was too perceptive for her own good. "Probably."

"Please don't. I promise not to call."

"Then what difference would it make?"

"Well if there were an emergency or something . . ."

"Then you'd be breaking a promise."

"We all do sometimes."

"I don't." At least I didn't used to.

"Whatever. You could call me again you know. If you called me once in a while, I promise not to call you back. Not to push you."

"Why do you want that?"

"You already know why." So softly it could have been drowned out by butterfly wings flapping she announced, "I love you."

"Bella."

Her response was strained. Despite the distance between us, I could almost taste the salt of her tears.  
"Don't say anything else. I'm sorry."

And she hung up.

I stared at my phone as the call details flashed on the screen.

I should have crushed it. I should have thrown it against a wall. I should have called and cancelled the account. But I didn't.

I simply powered it down for the night and plugged it into the wall charger.

It would always be ready for me.

**E/N: A special little note to hmonster4. She's been really holding my hand through this one and inspiring so much. I'm so grateful for our beta relationship because she really digs into the story and isn't afraid to ask the important questions.**

**More thanks to JAustenlover for the eyes this week, and love to all the women who play on the thread. I've been thinking of you as "bunnies," but I don't expect you to wear a tail or anything.**

**So, let me say a quick note here. I hate Edward in the "NM" phase, as he makes terrible choices, but he is going to make terrible choices here too, because that's what Edward does.**

**Now, next chapter is a blog, where Bella does Q & A. If you were reading Bella's blog, what question would you ask her? Drop me a review, and I'll tell you one question she answers. Heck, I might even add yours!**


	11. Bella's Blog Jan 25, 2009

**A/N: Back to the blog. Before you read this, here's a reminder that these go in reverse chronology, so everything you've read in her blogs hasn't happened yet.**

**The characters are not mine.**

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_January 25th__, 2009_

Hey Folks. I'm sort of having a bad week. This whole blog thing is harder than it looks. Not the actual writing, but putting yourself out there. I realize I'm contradicting a lot of convention here. You may disagree with the facts I provide. You may not believe me. You may think I'm a total whack job. And frankly, I would probably think the same thing if I were you. Many of you have also been researching the topic for years. Like me, you've been to conferences and chat rooms and parties and libraries, all in the hopes of connecting with people who have more information. I'm with you. It's been my focus for so long that I totally understand.

I barely made it through college because I couldn't keep my head on straight. But I managed to pass my classes and get a degree, and I guess that's what matters. I've been spending all of my free time and every dime I have on this endeavor, and I realize that it can be hard to process everything I'm throwing at you.

But I really have to ask you all to remember that I am still a living, breathing person here. I have feelings, and they can get hurt. Some of the comments have been a little out of line. I only delete or block the real idiots, so let's try to be more thoughtful.

Anyway, thought maybe I should try to attack some of the issues head one, so this is Q & A time. I'll answer what I can, but sometimes I have to be vague. Some questions I've addressed in other places, but if they come up often enough, I figure I can answer them again, right?

_1. How old are you? Where do you live? Are you a student? Do you have a job? What do you do? Do you have a boyfriend? Can we go on a date?_

For obvious reasons, I try not to reveal too much personal information in the blog. When I first started most of the readers were people I'd already connected with, but now it's a bit too big for that. So here are the quick answers: 23, WA, no, yes, as little as possible, no, probably not.

_2. How did you know you met a vampire? And how did you feel about it?_

Well, that's a good question. Because there are so many truths about vampires that are not consistent with what I expected, I didn't know for a long time that's what he was. I admit I knew he wasn't human. There were too many clues. Probably the three things that were most obvious were the temperature of skin, the sparkling in the sun, and the incredible speed. I've talked about all those characteristics before. It was also just a gut feeling.

Obviously, I didn't know or suspect that he and his family were vampires right away—nothing really pushed me in that direction. I had all kinds of stupid theories too embarrassing to mention. Believe it or not, it wasn't until after I left the wolves that I put it all together.

How did I feel about it? The aha moment was powerful. At first there was a sense of overwhelming relief. It felt so good to finally have the truth. But I have to be honest. Finding out I had dated both a werewolf and a vampire also threw me into a tailspin. My emotional state was out of control. I was confused and scared, and I wondered the hell was wrong with me.

Oddly though, it also helped with some of my anger at the time. There were moments when I could almost understand why he left. I mean, he was a vampire. He wanted more than my body; he wanted my blood too. The wolves didn't paint a positive picture of vampires, so for a while, I thought maybe I should be grateful he left. That feeling didn't last forever of course.

Anyway, it all put me on this path to wherever I am now. On this mission to do away with the secrets, to bridge our worlds.

3. _So have you ever had sex with a vampire?_

Speaking of personal questions. . . .

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Vampires are different than what you think. That isn't to say they aren't sexy and attractive or that you don't want to have sex with them; I just don't get the impression that most of them find humans all that appealing sexually as we are too breakable. I say this because I've met many so called "vamp hags" throughout the years who are really hoping to hook up them.

That said, I experienced a certain level of intimacy with my first vampire. Whatever you want to call what we did, it was better than any sex I've ever had.

4. _Do you want to become one? Do you think you are one?_

This comes up so much. No, I am not one. And I don't know if I want to become one. I'm not even sure it's possible to turn into one, but I'm hoping to get that information soon. Anyway, I really don't know how I feel about it at this point. I used to want that. Sometimes just so I could kick some ass; sometimes so I could find him and maybe being like him would mean we could be together. Sometimes, I just got caught up in the idea of it after so many years of thinking about it. I'm less certain about what I want every day.

5_. What have you learned about vampires that most surprised you?_

I would have to say the sun/daylight thing was most shocking to me. Perhaps because it's the most commonly believed fact about vampires. Sleeping in coffins and intolerance to the sun were so ingrained in me that it was hard to shake.

On one level it was one of the things that prevented me from ever thinking the word "vampire" with the first one I met. On another, I realized the depth of that secret. It meant so many things. They were stronger for it. If we all believed there was a weakened state during which we could drive a stake through their hearts, wouldn't that make it easier?

Plus, I have to say, seeing people sparkle is shocking. Oh btw, one reader wanted to know whether they sparkle "all over.' I assume so, but I have never seen a naked vampire in the sun, nor have I been compelled to ask my contact whether his penis sparkles.

6._ I was wondering who your contact is because I think I have the same one. Does he have blond hair?_

The blond hair thing is kind of a joke. Replace it with anything. Does he wear Docs? Does he have a scar? People want to know this all the time. My contacts have always expected anonymity, and I have provided it.

I imagine since I've met quite a few vampires, it's likely I'm not the only one to do so. I guess that means if you really do have a vampire contact, suppose they could be one and the same. I really don't think it's all that common though.

7_. What made you decide to pursue something so dangerous?_

A million dollar question if ever there was one. I could answer, "because I'm an idiot," but that wouldn't do it justice. I never really felt scared. Not before anyway. So, I didn't see what I was doing as dangerous. The contacts I made seemed genuinely interested in the same things I wanted . . . mutual understanding. Given my experience with the first ones, well it all made sense. I suppose that makes me naïve more than anything else.

Now, I'm just too far gone, and I'm in this until the end.

One of my long time readers wrote this:

"_I've been reading your blog for some time and I think I  
have learnt to read between the lines - are you doing this so he can find you?  
is this blog just a way for you to hold onto your anger, a way to hold onto  
him? your warnings are __falling on deaf ears__, you still love him after all  
this time - go find him! every time i visit your blog i wish it to be gone,  
for you to have put an end to all this denial, gone to follow what you won't  
admit you want"_

Some people are very smart. I wish it were all that simple. And I wish I knew what I wanted. Anger? Holding on? Maybe. It's evolved beyond that. And as far as going to find him. Well, the proverbial ball has never been in my court.

I'm going to stop there for today before I start telling you all the rest of my life story, and unless you all are looking for a good bedtime story, I'll save that for another day.

Until next time . . . Happy Hunting!

_Edward _

_Present Day_

So many things stood out to me in this blog. It wasn't the most revealing; it didn't say anything terribly interesting about vampires, but it said so much about her.

She had lost herself along the way. I honestly had expected her to move on. By now I thought she'd have been in love, maybe thinking about marriage. I thought she'd be in the passionate throws of her first post college job, perhaps still going out every Friday to dance the stress away. As much as it had pained me to walk away, I thought maybe it would be worth if she could just live a happy life. A happy human life.

But there was none of that. She worked a dead end job with flexible hours, which allowed her to pay the bills and continue her mission.

I should have tried harder. I should have let go of my pride and my fear. Instead, I sat back watching her self destruct, obeying the command of a broken hearted girl who told me to leave her alone. Too busy licking my own wounds to see how irreparable the damage to her had been.

She wasn't living any more than I had been. Funny how we both ended up dead anyway.

Well except for the one difference. She really was "a living, breathing person."

And that difference was the problem all along.

**E/N: Oh I slid that one in, yes I did. Wolves. Were you expecting them? I get a little wiggy about the wolves myself, so I'll try not to make it painful. What you are biggest pet peeves about the wolves?**

**I forgot to thank mmm_feathers the last chapter for her rec on Twigasm. And whynot/fatallyobsessed is wearing the most beautiful fuzzy purple pimp hat. **

**Thank you to jackbauer/staceygirl and Aspenleaf for two questions I stole specifically for this update. And the "valued reader" quoted here was from one of mine, ****n7of9**

**A couple of notes: First round of indie voting is done; look for the next round to start on the 18****th****.**

**Voting begins today in the Age of Edward one shot contest. I'm going to take a moment to suggest you read and vote for a couple of awesome fics written by BATgirls:**

**Infamy by Jende http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5193810/1/**

**Beneath the Silent Moon by Brigtherthansunshine28 http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5194909/1/Beneath_the_Silent_Moon**

**To get to the C2 and to vote visit: http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/1939261/The_Age_of_Edward**


	12. Nothing would be what it is

**A/N: I remain tickled by how thoughtful the reviews have been for RH. I appreciate each and every one. **

**These characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 7: Nothing would be what it is_

_EPOV_

I wallowed despondently in the misery of being a pour tortured soul. I'd aimlessly wandered for a century, never finding someone who piqued my interest. Finally, I found someone, and I didn't even have enough time to figure out how I felt about her.

I was obviously attracted to her. And it wasn't only to her body or her scent. Her curiosity and her boldness blew me away. Those characteristics couldn't stand on their own though. It was how they combined with intelligence and wry humor. How her strength matched her vulnerability.

One question had been posed over and over. Maybe not in so many words, but it was always implied. By Bella. By Alice. By Carlisle. By me.

Did I love her?

I wasn't sure. I didn't think I knew enough to say one way or the other. I didn't know what love was supposed to feel like. In the minds of others, it always seemed like something soft and comfortable. This felt hard and rough. Dangerous and raw. And I wanted it. Whether it was love or lust or something in between, I wasn't able to define it yet.

She said she loved me.

I didn't know what to do with that. I hated it. . . . and I liked it too much.

I should have been concerned about her and what I had done to her, but I was too caught up in my own selfish despair. I didn't leave my hotel, and I didn't make contact with anyone for several days after I talked with Bella.

I finally climbed out of my pit when the front desk people started pounding on my door to make sure I hadn't hung myself on the shower rod. If only it were that easy . . .

My phone came back to life with countless missed calls and messages. I didn't bothering listening to the messages. I had 6 choices. I picked the easiest.

Emmett picked up almost immediately.

"Dude, you have everyone here completely freaked out. Where the hell are you?"

"Minnesota."

"But you're alive."

"Obviously," I replied.

"When are you coming back?" he asked.

"I don't know that I am."

"It's getting pretty strange around here," Emmett hedged.

What do you mean?"

"Your human stopped by last night."

"What?" My shock was evident.

"Didn't you listen to any of your messages, man? She came poking around here about 2 in the morning. Alice isn't terribly tuned into her yet, so she didn't get the warning until we could already hear her truck approaching. We managed to get most of the lights off, and everyone scattered to their rooms. She walked around the place, looking in windows and shit."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. She left after about a half hour. But um, she sat down at our table at lunch today."

"Damn." It's not the kind of thing I could admit to many people, but that action probably did more to endear her to me than it should have.

"Yup. She just marched right past everyone in the lunch room and sat down next to Alice. I tell you, if everyone weren't all in a tizzy about it, it would have been kind of funny . . ." He was cut off by a loud crack, and I heard him yell, "Ow! It might not leave a mark, but it will still hurt."

I assumed Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head. It was her usual move when he said something stupid.

"What? It was. You should have seen the looks on all the faces in that room. What I wouldn't give to know what they were thinking. Anyway, she's a feisty one. Her heart was racing, and I could smell the sweat, but you would never know it from looking at her. She just looked at each of us for a minute before busting out with, 'Where is he?'"

I was impressed. It was actually a logical and normal thing to do. Why wouldn't she ask my family where I'd gone? But of course this wasn't a logical or a normal situation. And she knew that. She had to have figured out that the stakes were high.

"What did you tell her?"

"As little as we could. Then she asked if you were coming back, and Alice told her it wasn't likely. Little pistol then chimed in with 'So, are you going to tell me what you are?' I nearly bust my gut. Bella winked at me. Rose wacked me, but it was all worth it. I think I like that girl, Edward."

"I do too, Emmett."

"But the situation kind of sucks, eh?"

"That it does. What happened after that?"

"That was about it. Rose pulled me out of the room, and lunch was almost over."

"What are you all planning to do?" I assumed plans had been made. The family rarely did anything without strategy, which had been my failure from the beginning.

"Carlisle's at the hospital. You better call him. Well, scratch that. Call him after you talk to Alice. She 's standing here with her hand out, giving me the evil eye."

Alice reiterated what I already knew, but she was facing her own internal struggle. Maybe it was because she had been watching for her future and had inadvertently seen us together. Or maybe it was because whatever attracted me to Bella worked on others as well. Regardless, Alice felt some sort of empathy for Bella. She felt connected to her somehow and really wanted to reach out to her as a friend.

"Really, Edward? Now is the time to cut yourself off from civilization?"

"I'm sorry," I offered. I didn't have anything else. There was no excuse. "How is she?"

"I don't think she has anyone." Her tone revealed a longing. She wanted to be her "someone."

"Alice, the whole point of my leaving was to create distance between us and her."

"I know. That's what Carlisle said, but it doesn't seem right to let her suffer by herself."

"But you're staying away?"

"I don't have a choice now, do I?" I sensed anger. I didn't know whether it was directed at me or at Carlisle.

Alice had always longed for human friends. In the past, they had often been the ones to shun her. Now, we were forcing her to walk away from the one person who might accept her. After all, Bella had accepted me. It was another reminder of how much my actions had affected everyone around me.

"You say she she's alone. What about her human friends?"

"I think between her depression and her attempts to talk about what happened, they've kind of cut her off. I've heard the gossip twins prattling on." She didn't need to clarify. Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley were the center of all gossip at Forks High. "I think Bella confided in Jess, who pretty much laughed in her face. Told her she should have known better than to hook up with you and to be grateful she at least got something out of it. So, what else was she supposed to say? 'Hey the guy I was messing around with just dumped me, and by the way I suspect he isn't human?' I think she's really confused and lost and alone. "

"Do you think she's said anything about us to anyone?"

"No, it doesn't seem that way. Not yet anyway. We're not picking up on anything, but without you here, we're just guessing. You haven't checked your email yet have you?"

"No."

"Well, I sent you some notes. She doesn't have a clue what we are, so if she says something, we should be safe, because people will think she's crazy." It's the kind of statement that should have been funny. But nothing about it was.

I paused for a minute before asking a question that had been nagging at me.

"Do you still think she could hurt herself?"

"I don't think so," she spoke slowly indicating her uncertainty. "The visions with her are not as clear since she's human, and like you, she's had a lot of indecision, so nothing is absolute, but they haven't been leaning that way. We're still keeping an eye on her though."

It was a lot to ask of Alice to watch for someone specifically. She didn't really have control of what visions came to her. She wasn't an all knowing seer. The visions were random and sometimes disjointed, like a puzzle.

When I hung up the phone, I checked my email, looking for one from Alice with an attachment.

_From: Alice Whitlock _

_To: Edward Cullen_

_Subject: Notebook_

_Hi Edward, I really wish you were answering your phone. Things were getting a little jittery around here, and Carlisle asked me to take a look at that notebook you mentioned. She's been carrying it around everywhere, so it wasn't easy. I had to sneak in and steal it out from under her pillow while she slept. Did you know she talks in her sleep?_

_Anyway, I guess the notes should make us all relax a little. It was completely full. Most of it was nonsense. There was a lot about you, of course. I didn't make copies of that. I didn't think that would be fair to her, and I wasn't sure you should read it anyway._

_Based on what's here, we're going to stay put. At least for now._

_Please call._

_Love,_

_Alice._

I clicked on the attachment. It was supposed to bring relief. It did, and it didn't.

The writing was like classroom notes. Lined up evenly. Bulleted. Numbered. Lists. Ideas.

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Alice Cullen**

Pale skin

Cold

Exceptionally graceful

*She seems very nice. I think I would like her a lot, and sometimes I feel like she's on the verge of saying something to me, but she never does. I get the feeling she's close to Edward. And has this aura like she just knows more than everyone around here. She and Jasper are dating.

**Emmett Cullen**

Pale Skin

Cold

HUGE

Incredibly strong

*He's a good guy. Just a hunch. He makes me laugh, even with the expressions he sends across a room. I have a feeling he would protect me even though he doesn't know me. He's clearly linked with Rosalie. And that makes me question my hunch about him, because other than her appearance, I don't get that appeal.

**Jasper Hale**

Pale skin

Cold

Pained

Quiet

*Jasper confuses me. He seems to struggle the most to be around me, though I think it has little do with the Edward situation. He hasn't spoken once. It just seems like he's in pain or something. Like he's hearing or seeing something I don't. His facial expressions react to things in a room, but nothing seems to be happening. I can't pinpoint it though. He and Rosalie are supposed to be twins. I'm not sure what they are, but maybe there is some connection there because they both seem more distant, they don't reveal as much in terms of facial expression.

**Rosalie Hale**

Pale Skin

Cold

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Chip on her shoulder

*Classic bitch. I've caught her looking me up and down a few times, and she obviously doesn't think I'm good enough for her brother. Of course she's right, so I don't blame her. I wouldn't have thought Emmett was shallow enough to be into someone just for their looks, so I think there must be more to her. I don't know any of this for sure. I just get a feeling. Maybe she and Jasper have more troubles with humans or haven't quite figured out all the nuances yet, and it's all unintentional. I don't know.

_Unknown_

**Carlisle Cullen**

Doctor

Well respected

Edward says he's highly compassionate.

*have yet to meet

**Esme Cullen**

Edward once said she liked to decorate.

Claimed she is very loving.

*have yet to meet

_Family life_

*Carlisle and Esme are foster parents to 5 teenage children. Heard rumors that they are quite young.

*Esme stays home.

*Jasper and Rosalie are siblings. They look alike, so that makes sense. Close in age. Are they twins?

*Need to check for any news stories about this unique family situation.

*How likely is it that 5 children would go to the same family? 5 teenage children.

*No one seems to question the romantic linking of them. Wouldn't that get reported to social services at some point? At least to make sure there was no sex in the house? I'm no expert, but the way Rosalie and Emmett touch, I'm guessing they been around the bed a few times.

*What about the fact that they all look alike? Not exactly, but the same eyes. And the same skin tone. And they are just so inhumanly beautiful. All of them. Why doesn't anyone else notice this?

*School absences are fairly frequent and accepted without much ado. Would I get away with that? What if Charlie wanted to take me fishing every time it was nice? Must be connected to whatever I saw that day with Edward. What was that?

*Went to their house but didn't see anything unusual. They have money or access to it. Very large house. Couldn't see in the windows. Edward drove a nice car, and now they're bringing a rather expensive looking Jeep to school. Carlisle is a doctor, but how much does the Forks hospital pay?

_Food_

***They don't eat. Not one bite.**

***They don't drink.**

_Conclusion_

Not human. Has to be. Family structure is contrived. Why don't other people see this? Why do people stay away? Maybe they emit some sort of vibe to keep people away or to fool them? Mind contortion of some sort? So, why am I immune? Could my brain be on a different frequency or something?

_Possible explanations_

**Alien**

-Right now this is my leading contender. Everything seems to fit. "Family structure" almost fits but just off enough to be kind of like a _Third Rock from the Sun_ scenario. They don't quite get it right. Romantic partners posing as siblings.

-Not eating.

-Having some ability to influence those around them.

-Possible motivation? Human domination. Curiosity? I'm thinking it's some kind of research or something.

-Wonder if their fake skin melts in the sun. Could that be what I saw on Edward? It was so fast, but I swear he was shimmering for a second there.

**Superhero**

-Haven't ruled this out, but I'm not as inclined.

-At first I thought they were gone a lot doing good deeds, but it doesn't explain why it's always on sunny days. Now, I know that might be connected to whatever reaction Edward had to the sun.

-I haven't seen any special abilities manifest themselves, other than Edward being fast in the meadow. And that whole sparkly thing, but I don't know if that's an ability or what. I can't imagine any purpose sparkling would serve.

-And they are sort of too conspicuous really.

**Robots**

-This one seems crazy, but I suppose it's possible. Of course, aliens is pretty crazy too. The mere fact that I am so certain they aren't human is insane in and of itself.

-What if someone planted them? Like Terminator. Are they out to get someone? Could it be me? If I'm the only one who sees through? Was Edward supposed to get close to me?

-No idea why he would leave then.

-Edward didn't feel very much like a robot. If they are trying to pass, other than the temperature of skin, everything appears to be in working order.

_Edward. _

~How much was real?

~He told me stories, but were they true? Does he really like classical music? Does he love the smell of freesia? Is his favorite color blue?

~He had body fluids. I felt it on his tongue.

~He had an orgasm. I don't think he faked it. The body shake was too involuntary. I didn't see his semen though.

_Things to do_

1. See them in the sun.

2. Google unique foster families/Cullen name.

3. Watch for signs of super human speed, agility, x-ray vision, etc.

4. Figure out what sustains them. Gas? Electricity? What do aliens eat?

I wish I knew what the heck my role is in all of this. Why do I care? What do I want to do with whatever I find out? If they are trying to infiltrate humans, I suppose I should be afraid, but they don't scare me for some reason. I wish I could talk to someone about this, but I can't think of anyone who wouldn't send me away to the nut house. I just know they aren't human though. Someone else out there must see this too. Unless I have some special ability myself. Maybe I'm like the alien hunter or something. That really is crazy. I just wish he hadn't left. I didn't feel crazy when I was with him.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She thought I was an alien. I wanted to laugh. A fucking alien. She equated our family to a sitcom.

But the humor evaded me. While I was grateful she hadn't even mentioned a single theory that might lead her to vampires, it was also incredibly sad. To an outsider, these notes would lead anyone to believe she was insane. She approached it all with such a matter of fact tone. She didn't even seem surprised by the fact that we weren't human. It almost made me wonder if there was something wrong with her brain. Maybe that was why I couldn't hear her thoughts.

It didn't matter. It wouldn't really change how I felt. She was lost. And she questioned everything about me. Struggled with what was real to her. That tore me apart. Someone could have set fire to the tattered pieces of me and destroyed me at that moment.

But it was for the best that she didn't know the truth. Better even in many ways that she was isolated from others. It worked to our advantage. This was all meant to keep her safe. She was better thinking we came from another planet than knowing the truth.

My family maintained a watchful eye. It was as much to protect her, as much as my leaving was. It was almost meant to protect us. We were still concerned about her occasional suicidal plans, but we also weren't sure how far her curiosity would take her. She didn't know anything as far as we could tell, and I couldn't imagine how she could ascertain the truth from any of the information she had gleaned.

So I went back to wandering. Checking in daily with someone from the family. I'd had to promise not to shut my phone off again and to be prepared to return, should my gift become necessary.

As often as possible, I avoided Alice. She was in an awkward position. For whatever reason, she had developed her own feelings for Bella. She wanted to protect her almost as much as I did, but in a different way. I wanted to keep her alive; Alice wanted her to be happy. I knew the two things might not co-exist as far as I was concerned. And that only added to my own depression.

Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months.

I stayed in my crappy hotels. I reveled in the quiet.

And I came to hate it almost as much.

I didn't call her again. It couldn't be good for either of us.

I got two jobs to pass the time. I worked nights in a warehouse, because it involved lifting and monotony. During the day I worked as delivery driver, because it required speed and precision in driving. When I wasn't working, I ran.

None of it helped ease my frustration.

Alice was less and less useful at discerning anything, because for some reason, the few visions she was getting of Bella were becoming more and more difficult to read, almost fuzzy. We all thought it was odd, but since I couldn't read her mind, we assumed it had something to do with Bella.

Things went well in Forks for while.

It didn't last long.

**E/N: A huge thank you to Random Acts of Rob for the pimpage. http://robert-pattinson (dot) ca/2009/07/19/twiporn-spotlight-its-a-3-way-today-wink-the-twigasm-podcast/**

**Thanks to hmonster4 who despite being insanely busy with Indies stuff (did you vote) still managed to listen to me ramble on and on. And special love to jackbauer/staceygirl for helping me with so many things this week, including a final edit. **

**Now, I know. I hate Edward wallowing too (but I admit I like writing it a lot). He's not quite out of it yet. He's got some things to figure out first. I have to know your reactions to the alien theory! Let me know in your review, and I'll toss you a teaser back.**


	13. Confronted by a Giant Puppy

**A/N: Thanks for all the lovely comments on the last chapter! **

**I'm sure you're all far too busy to read on a Saturday night, but for those of us not at comic con and who have little social life, have fun!**

**These characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 8: Confronted by a Giant Puppy_

_EPOV_

"Why don't you come back for a visit?" Emmett asked.

"I don't know. I don't think I'm ready."

"It's been months, E. We all miss you." It was a particularly vulnerable statement coming from Emmett, but he'd never been ashamed of his emotions. He wore them on his sleeve. I'd always been a little jealous of his ability to just put himself out there in that way. My own emotions had always been carefully guarded.

"You know it never works all that well for Rose and me either, being on our own. I mean it's fun, and I like the privacy. Believe it or not, Rose actually screams my name even louder. Plus I don't have to worry about putting pants on all the time when Alice isn't around to throw a fit about the condition of my underwear. But it always feels like something is missing. It's weird isn't it? How much we all balance each other? Good weird, I think."

How could you not love Emmett? He said what he thought, and it was usually stating the obvious, but behind it was something so true it cut right to the bone.

The truth was I did miss them. All of them.

"Why don't you come here?"

"Actually, I've been trying to convince Jasper to come out there with me? Thought a guy's weekend would be cool. I think we could both stand to get away from here for a while. Between Alice's moping and Rose's crabbiness, it hasn't been much fun around here."

"What's going on with Rosalie?" I knew Alice was upset. She hadn't been hiding it from me at all, but Rose's mood was news to me.

"I don't know. Ever since you left, she's been pretty pissed off at the world. Well more than usual anyway. She won't talk much about it. She didn't like having to follow your human around, but I thought her mood would improve now that we've backed off. Anyway, I guess since things are calmer here lately, that's why I thought maybe you could come back, at least for a while."

"I didn't know Rose was having issues."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't exactly talk about it when she was around. She's fine. She's Rose, but whenever something is wrong with one of us in the family, it just seems to throw everyone else off too."

"I know." My thoughts were heavy. I couldn't lift any better response. I hadn't thought my presence mattered much to any of them. I had felt like an extra wheel for so long that I didn't know how to react to the idea that I mattered. So I said nothing else for a minute. Then I asked quietly. "How is she?"

"The girl?"

"Bella."

"Oh yeah, well, she seems . . . okay. She keeps to herself at school now, and then she's pretty much over at La Push all the time."

I exhaled slowly. It had taken some time for anyone to tell me about her spending time on the reservation. Logically, I knew her dad was friends with Billy Black, so she was likely to have friends there, but I'd just never noticed before. Ultimately, we hadn't had a lot of time together, so it was easy to miss things. The first time Alice mentioned it, I swear I got chills. Carlisle was less concerned. None of the younger generation appeared to really believe the old legends, and he figured if she was going to ask questions, that was as good a place for her to ask them as any. I wasn't sure. All I knew was that she'd stopped following my family around. She'd stopped nudging people at school and asking if the "noticed anything weird about the Cullens." She didn't even seem to be writing as much.

"She's still dating him then?"

He didn't answer immediately, which was an answer in and of itself. "Yeah, I think so. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's what I wanted right? She needed to move on." Emmett was the only one willing to talk to me about Bella. Alice didn't think I deserved it, and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask Rosalie. Jasper couldn't manipulate my emotions over the phone, but he was a still a good judge of my mental state, and he would call me out on it. So I avoided him too.

Though Bella stayed away, and no rumors flew about the Cullen family of aliens, my family's tenure in Forks ended sooner than expected.

It wasn't long after the phone call with Emmett that things took a different turn. Something happened. More than one actually. No one expected it.

The La Push boys started turning into werewolves.

We wouldn't have known except for a near run in Emmett and Rosalie had near the treaty line. To say we were shocked was an understatement. We assumed the line had died out a generation ago, but Carlisle began discussions with Billy Black and the other elders immediately. They claimed everything was under control. At the time of that first discussion, only three had turned. By the time my family left, there were seven.

No one knew what had sparked it. The elders argued our return had to have been the impetus since it had skipped a generation, namely, the one in which we had never arrived. It didn't explain why it took so long after our arrival. Carlisle wondered if it wasn't somehow linked to Bella—her interaction in both worlds or something drove their need to protect. Ultimately, we'd never know.

Everyone decided it was better to leave. The tensions were mounting. The wolves were volatile, and the stress just got to be too much for everyone, especially Jasper. When they moved, I rejoined them. I had mixed emotions, but I didn't really have a choice at that point.

I didn't know which one she was dating, or whether he had become a wolf, but leaving her in that environment with no one to watch out for her hurt like hell.

Carlisle reminded me that in many ways, a girl that curious was safest with them. They had secrets too. They were as possessive of them as we were. That silence might just be her protection.

So I went home to my family. And in some ways I felt more alone than ever.

Out of sight; out of mind.

Time heals all wounds.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Whoever coined those phrases never met Bella Swan.

I didn't have a picture, or a voice mail, or souvenir from a date. I didn't need them to help me remember her. I hadn't forgotten a single detail of her face. The sprinkle of faded freckles by her nose or the shade of pink her lips turned when she bit them. I had memorized every inch of her body—the curves, scars, the way her imperfections made her perfect.

I recalled every second we'd spent together with perfect clarity.

No she was not out of my mind. Time had healed nothing, and she was the only fish I wanted.

I had to let her be. At times I could almost convince myself that I wanted her to fall in love with someone else. That I would be happy if she got married and had babies.

I could be very persuasive when I wanted to be. Apparently just not with myself. Because time only made me miss her more.

I managed to go more than a year without any contact. In the grand scheme of thing, a year was nothing. A blip, a blink. In my reality, that year was forever.

On numerous occasions, I sat with my finger on the button that would call her. I didn't even know if the number would be the same, but I could never do it. I had no idea what I'd say if I reached her, and it wouldn't be fair to her to re-engage.

We weren't that far from Forks. We had moved far enough to start over, but not so far that I didn't have access to her. It was the one concession we made.

Only once did I make the mistake of trying to visit.

It was a couple of months after I'd rejoined the family. I was out hunting with Jasper, and I didn't feel like going back to the house when we were done. It wasn't that I needed time to be alone. I just didn't need to be around couples. The re-immersion back into the house had been a double edged sword. I could accept that holing myself up in dives wasn't doing much for my mood, and I needed balance. I did laugh with them. I did enjoy having hunting partners.

But I had grown used to the silence. In particular, I didn't miss hearing love. Not just sex, though I could do without that, but I just the constant sound of being in love. It added a layer of disappointment I didn't need.

Jasper didn't have to ask me what was wrong; he understood. Maybe even better than Alice. So I took off running. I didn't have a course in mind. I lost track of my location. A stupid thing to do, I admit, but I just gave myself over to the wind and the dark and the lack of voices in my head.

I began hearing noises of civilization about an hour outside of Port Angeles; only I honestly had no idea that's where I was. I hadn't run much in this particular area, so it wasn't incredibly familiar, and I didn't feel like entering town, so I kept going. It was only a matter of minutes before my location hit me. It was another fifteen before I'd made any decision. I could clock that before it was the same time Alice called.

I didn't pick up. I was running and didn't want to stop.

She left a voice mail; I heard the familiar indicator beep. I didn't listen to it either.

She texted. I could feel the buzz in my pocket letting me know.

I didn't stop for it.

I didn't slow my pace until I was about a mile from her house and was beginning to concentrate on the sounds around me, hoping to pick up her voice or perhaps I'd get lucky and listen in on a dream state.

I pulled my phone out. Maybe Alice knew something I didn't.

The text was simple.

_Thinking of you._

It was the oddest comment. The kind of thing you said to someone when something bad had happened or you didn't know what else to say. But there was no warning. I shook my head and moved closer.

But all I got was silence. Her father was snoring, but his mind was blank.

Her room was silent. No dreams. No whispers. No crumpling sheets. No breathing

That made me angry. What kind of father was he that he could be sound asleep while his daughter was out traipsing around in the middle of the night? Didn't he know what teenage girls did when they stayed out? I thought about causing a ruckus, creating a scene just to see if he knew she was gone.

But the fact was. I knew. I knew exactly where she was spending the night and why he probably didn't care.

I decided I wanted more anyway, so I opened the window. The scent that hit me was a mixed bag. Yes, I could smell Bella, and it caused my thirst to flare despite my recent hunt. But there was an underlying stench as well. It had been a long time since I'd caught a whiff of that pungent odor, but I could never mistake the smell of that kind of dog. It was faded; he hadn't been in here today at least.

It confirmed what I had feared. She was with a wolf.

He was going to know I was here. I wondered if he would say anything to her. Did she know what he was? Couldn't she smell it? If she did know, had she learned the truth about me?

I wandered around the room. I lazily picked up items and put them back down. I felt the need to be connected to her somehow. These were her things. This was her room.

I realized I was snooping, and it was wrong, but at the time it seemed harmless.

Her room wasn't messy, but it wasn't spotless either. Her pajama bottoms were strewn across her bed. The bed taunted me. I wanted to pull back the covers and climb in, but I didn't belong there. I never really did.

She had a few books out on her desk, and she'd clearly been writing a paper for American Lit on Fitzgerald. I figured she'd be unhappy with that. He wasn't really her style.

Her closet door was open, and her dirty clothes were piled in the laundry basket. Her sent would be strongest there or in her bed. But I couldn't go to the bed.

I leafed through some of the papers on her desk, finding nothing of consequence.

There was a bulletin board above the desk with random artifacts, ticket stubs and pictures. Right in the middle was a picture of her and with a boy. I'd never seen him before, but I knew his last name would be Black. He bore a striking resemblance to his grandfather.

In the picture they were smiling. She was happy. She looked the same. . . and different. Her eyes were off somehow. They'd seen more, felt more. Eyes changed that way as people aged.

I almost didn't see it. It was tucked back a bit behind some other papers. A little scrap that simply said, "Just in case" and had my number scrawled on it. She wanted a back up or she wanted to hide it from the Quileute boy. I wasn't sure which.

Nothing in the room told me that I should stay. She had a life here. She moved on. It was what I wanted.

I don't know why it felt so bad.

I looked around for anything I could take. Something small. In the end I decided I might be a stalker, a peeping tom, and a snoop, but I was not going to be a thief.

I waited in the tree outside her window until shortly after sun up. Charlie didn't even check her room before he left for work. Her not being there on a school night didn't seem to bother him.

I found myself in the woods, near the treaty line. I couldn't cross. I knew what would happen if I did. It would be a war. I wasn't sure I could hold my own against seven of them, and my death would certainly bring my family here for revenge. Emmett and Jasper would certainly come.

But I wasn't here on a suicide mission or to start a war. I just wanted to see her. I wanted to make sure this wolf was being responsible. About more than sex.

Alice's text suddenly made more sense than I could have imagined.

"_Thinking of you." _

What else could she say really? I didn't belong here right now.

I heard his approach a mile away. A branch snapped, and he told someone to "Watch it!"

By then I could hear the distinct footsteps and breathing of three of them. Their thoughts were more difficult to decipher because they appeared to be sharing them somehow.

Thinking of my family, I took a stop back to ensure I wasn't crossing the line. "I'm here alone," I announced. "I'm not a threat."

I heard him give a command to the others to stay back, and he walked forward. It was the boy in the picture.

"Hey man, can we take a walk?" he asked.

I tilted my head slightly, a reluctant agreement.

"I'm Jake, by the way," said, as we began a slow path, each on opposite sides of the treaty line.

"Edward," I responded.

"I know," he answered quietly. "Look, you should know the pack can hear my thoughts now."

That was interesting. I had never known the pack connection was so strong.

"Good to know."

"It doesn't freak you out that we can read each other's thoughts?"

I laughed.

"I can read yours as well."

"Really?" _What number am I thinking of right now?_

"Five, Jake."

"Can you all do that?"

"No, just me."

"Huh, I guess we didn't have any reason to walk away."

"It feels better man to man thought doesn't it?"

"Yeah." He bent down and picked up a blade of grass and began chew on the end. "I would like to kick the shit out of you."

"I understand." I was taking things slowly. I wasn't sure where this was supposed to go. The next question he asked surprised me, but I didn't have any clearer an answer for him than I did for myself.

"Do you love her?"

"It's hard to explain."

"Nah, that's bullshit. You do or you don't," he argued. He scratched his face and looked down at his feet. "I've loved her since I was 8."

I looked at him, but he had shifted his gaze up toward the sky.

"She used to visit Charlie every summer. I don't know what it was about her. We played by the tide pools down by the beach. She fell in so many times, I lost count, but she still went. Every time she'd say, 'I won't fall in today.' And she always did. But she got up, dried off, and tried again. She's so damned determined."

He picked up a rock and threw it as far as he could. I heard it ping off a tree farther away than any mere human could throw, but not as far as I could have.

"You know what I hate the most? You've made her determination a bad quality. It's not fair. That's not how it's supposed to work."

"You know how things are supposed to work then do you?"

He snickered and let his head fill with pictures of Bella I didn't want to see. Naked on his bed. Legs wrapped around him. His sweat dripping on her.

The images assaulted me, and my instinct was to fight back. I crouched low and growled.

He laughed. "Can't handle that huh?"

But his laughter relaxed his mind, and his defenses went down revealing another set of pictures, those he didn't want me to see. Bella curled up on his bathroom floor, crying after she'd lost her virginity. Writing frantically in her notebook, literally pulling pieces of hair out of her head when she would get frustrated by her own thoughts. Calling out my name in her sleep.

I knew why he hid them from me; they were more persuasive than any mind porn he could display. What had I done to her? How could I continue to destroy her?

Could I have been wrong all along? Was it more damaging to leave than to stay?

My growl faded to whimper; my crouch collapsed.

"That's right, bloodsucker, I've had what you didn't."

I'd failed. But I would have failed no matter what. I knew what her dreams were about. She was running from the monster. Pulling her hair out in fear. She just needed more time to come to terms. She would be okay. She had to be.

I wanted to curl up in a ball on the forest floor and scream. But I would not give Jacob Black the satisfaction. I had no reason to hate him, and every reason to envy him. He was there for her when I could not be. He loved her, while I merely lusted and longed for her and failed to name anything beyond that. But I resented the hell out of him. He was a monster too, a danger to her. He didn't deserve her anymore than I did.

I would protect the treaty. I would not use my teeth to make him bleed, but I would cut him.

"Ah, but not everything young pup; don't be so smug. Dogs go at it with a vengeance don't they? Pummeling until they get their fill. You don't know how beautiful she is when climaxes do you?"

I'd searched. Twisted through the dark alleys of his mind, but I hadn't once seen her throw her head back in the heat of the moment. No incontrollable jerk of her body. No screaming of his name at the pinnacle of the mountain. And there was no way he would be able to forget the site of bringing Bella Swan to orgasm.

"Fuck you." His eyes narrowed, and his fist shook slightly. "You left her. You don't get to think of her like that."

"I left to protect her, Jake. Don't forget what you are. It's not safe for her to be with you, anymore than it was for me."

"I don't want to eat her."

"But you can't control yourself yet. You're shaking now, and I'm barely provoking you."

"She's not a leech."

"Just be careful. That's all I'm asking. Does she know what you are?

"No." His mind flashed thoughts of some pack connection, and I understood he literally couldn't tell her the truth. "She's perceptive though, and she knows something is going on.

"I know you all keep your secrets. For her sake I hope you never let her figure out the truth.

"Think she can't handle knowing you're a vampire?"

The left side of my mouth slid into a smile. "Take a moment to look at popular culture, Jake. Not as many women lusting after dogs as vampires. No, my concern is about her safety. We do not live in a vacuum. Other vampires don't think or act like we do. And we have something of a governing body."

"Civilized bloodsuckers?"

"Something like that."

"So, what's the problem?"

"There is only one rule, and breaking it is punishable by death. No one can know we exist."

"So, if she knows and spreads it, you die?"

"Yes."

"Small price."

"She'd die too, Jake."

He nodded. He reflected.

"I could never hurt her. I won't. She's been getting better. It's not like it was in the beginning, and I'm going to take care of her. She'll forget about you someday."

"I'm counting on it."

We meandered a bit longer. He told me she was still obsessed. She had heard some of the tribe's legends, but she didn't seem to put anything together yet. I told him I wouldn't be back, and he thanked me for it. I gave him my phone number. I didn't really know why, but it made sense at the time.

Before I left the area, I walked slowly along the river and passed by the old house.

And I stopped at the meadow. I couldn't stay though. It hurt too much.

So, I went home to my family.

I spent the day pretending. I played video games with Emmett and Jasper. I downloaded music with Alice who kept looking at me funny. I knew she wanted to ask, but she never did.

If I told her, she'd convince me to go back. To fight. And I think she might have succeeded if she'd tried.

But she never got the chance because my phone rang.

**E/N: I know many of us getting a little weirded out by Jake, so I'll be curious to hear what you think about him. We'll get more on the pack down the road. And who's on the phone? Guesses please!**

**Would love to hear your reactions. Next chapter is another blog. They are shorter, but if you review, I can give you a tiny little teaser. **

**Thanks so my partner in crime for beta skills and a fabulous week of writing. Update those author alerts folks, we'll have another collab coming very soon.**

**The wonderful jackbauer/staceygirl and wishimight/everwondering created Once Upon a Twilight, an interesting fairytale themed one shot contest. Check it out! http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/~onceuponatwilightcontest**


	14. Bella's Blog Dec 16, 2008

**Sorry for the cliffy, but I like anticipation. **

**The characters are not mine.**

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_December 16__th__, 2008_

Hey all! I know I'm late . . . again, but I was gone to that conference in California, and of course, it's mid December, which means all the typical holiday crap is in full swing. I'm not a big fan of the holidays, so I'm in denial about that.

I'm in too good a mood right now anyway. I had such a great time at this last conference. It's always nice to hook up with my friends who I don't get to see often. I think maybe I enjoy it most because I don't have to do any pretending when I'm with them. I don't know about you all, but I'm really tired of pretending.

In the beginning, way back when I met my first vampires, it would have been easy to really go off the deep end. I knew these "people" I met weren't human, but how do you tell anyone that without them shipping you off to a shrink? The answer was pretty simple. You don't. I tried . . . for about a minute and a half, but then I realized it wasn't going to get me anywhere. Except shipped back to my mom or off to the pharmacy for medication. It didn't take me long to realize it was just something I had to keep to myself in mixed company.

It was pretty hard in the beginning. I was just so consumed with the need to know more, but I had to get up every day and pretend that everything was normal, that I was okay. It's kind of funny because I didn't even talk about it with the wolves in the beginning. I didn't know what they were or anything, so I guess it made sense, but there I was with the only other people that were going to confirm my suspicions that non humans existed, and I still had to suck it all in.

Even when I learned what the wolves were, and was able to talk a bit more about it with them, they were so closed off to the topic. It became a pretty big rift between us. They never wanted me to know in the first place, and then they were so anti-vampire that it was uncomfortable. I guess it makes sense. I suppose if you were created simply as a reaction to another being—to protect an entire species from that being—you'd probably harbor a lot of ill will toward them too. Still, I didn't really think the vampires I met were bad, even after I found out what they were. Somehow, I just knew they were special, and I got a little defensive thinking about them as killers. I know that was probably stupid, but it's just how I felt at the time.

Anyway, when I go to the conferences, I know that we don't all see eye to eye, and quite honestly, it can get heated when we discuss the "real" characteristics of vampires, but at least I'm able to say what I really think.

I've grown very good at hiding it all IRL. People often expect me to dress goth or to stand out in some way, but if you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't even notice me. I blend in very well. I never talk about vampires. I don't even admit to watching movies about them. I suppose it's why I hate the holidays—pretty much of any of them. More social activities with people I'd rather not see. More pretending.

It's been one of the great things about this blog—being able to talk more than a few times a year, being able to connect with people all over the world. I feel more like I belong to something than I ever have in my life.

Anyway, let me summarize the big events of the conference.

1. Lovinthatvampofmine brought homemade wine, and I drank too much. I never get drunk, so I was a total dork. I did not get sick though. I think I might have played a game of truth or dare though, but I'm not sure what the outcome was. I'm hoping I didn't embarrass myself too much. I've been told no clothes came off, which is an improvement from last year.

2. My panel was very well attended. The audience seemed to know what to expect, and everyone appeared to be genuinely curious to hear what I had to say. I can't tell you how good that felt.

3. I heard some fascinating research on the current state of vampires in popular culture. Really intriguing stuff about the trend to de-mystify and humanize. One person had an interesting theory about vampires in high places controlling public perception. He had a list of possible motivations. I wasn't convinced personally, but the ideas behind it were good. Despite everything, I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist though. I'll post some links for you if you are interested.

4. The Ball was funny as always. I don't dance, but I enjoy watching the costumes people come up with. This year, I was so tickled because someone who's been reading my blog came dressed as a vampire with GLITTER! I died laughing. I actually ended up hanging out with him and his friends most of the night. They were a blast. I'm trying to convince him to let me put up a picture, so maybe if you all do some sweet talking in the comments sections, he'll cave.

5. There was some fangirling about a few of the actors for the latest vampire movie. I didn't attend any of those sessions, but it made for a kind of fun energy.

Alright, I'm stalling. I have big news. I'm so excited. I have a new contact! He actually sought me out. He's got some reasons for wanting to work with me, which I can't share, but we seem to share a similar philosophy. He promises to shed light on some elements I've been missing. It will be so nice to have someone to ask questions of again. There have been so many questions coming to which I don't have answers, and it's been a while since I had anyone to ask.

Before you ask. No, I can't introduce you.

So start asking the tough questions again because my first interview with him is coming up in a week. He does feed from humans; he claims to have good control. He travels frequently though so we may have Skype in between meetings.

I'm not doing much for Christmas this year, so I'll be around here and there if you pm me. I'll try to put some pics up from the conference later today too. And I'll be back as soon as I can with more information from my contact.

Until then . . .

Happy Hunting!

XXXX

_EPOV_

_Present Day_

I had completely missed important points in this entry. I had only learned about Bella's blog fairly recently, and had played a pretty massive game of catch up. This one had seemed innocuous really. I probably just skimmed it when I first read it. I didn't really much care for her conference updates. That whole world seemed rather odd to me.

And I didn't fully understand Bella's relationship to it. Most of the freaks and weirdos who went were complete frauds. Anyone claiming to be a real vampire was likely trying to suck the life out of someone another way—financially. So what had she hoped to gain by attending theseis events? She claimed it was about fitting in, but really that world didn't believe her that much more than the general population.

She had quite a few haters in the comments and questions. Obviously, there hadn't been a mass public reveal of our true vampire nature, so she wasn't getting anywhere really. Except noticed.

The idea that someone sought her out wasn't all that unusual at first. Maybe I wrote it off because I didn't expect it to have been a real vampire. But it was so clear now. She had been used.

I had tried to walk through the possibilities, and none of them were good.

I wasn't entirely sure why the Volturi had let her blog and her speculations carry on so long, but I was sure it was they who stepped in at the end. When the truly controversial information was out on the table, it had simply been time. They couldn't hold back any longer. Maybe they had been giving her just enough rope to hang herself, or her contact. Probably both.

But what did the contact hope to get?

She claimed they were on the same page, had mentioned things about them both wanting there to be truth. She was so naïve. She really believed that some good could come from human/vampire interaction. That interspecies relationships could happen and would somehow make the world a better place.

The realizations that came each time I read her blog were both sobering and humiliating. My intentions were worthy. I still believed that. But they had caused so much needless pain. If I found her . . . if she were still alive, was there any hope for her to believe that no matter how wrong I was, all I'd ever wanted was for her to be safe?

Did intentions count for anything?

I had to hope so because while I might not believe humans and vampires would someday live side by side in suburban neighborhoods, mowing laws and serving on PTO's, maybe there was for this one vampire and my one human.

After all, love conquers all, right?

**E/N: First off, check out my rec of The Best Woman, ****.com/?zx=827217b36834b1d7**

**Second, Hmonster4 and I have something new coming very soon. There's already a Twilighted thread, so it won't be much longer until _The Fates_ debuts.**

**So, what did you learn this chapter? Bella has had more than one contact based on her descriptions, and Edward gives more away about his thoughts.**

**Phone call is up next, and then we're getting pretty close to his warning and the prologue actually if you've been wondering how far we are from present time. We're on the verge.**

**Finally, I don't think it can happen based on typical blog chapter reviews, but I am going to be dangerously close to the 1K mark on this chapter, so if you have a few moments, I would especially appreciate it you could hit the review button. I would be so overjoyed. **

**Big question: since Bella claims more than one contact, does that change your guess?**


	15. Queen of Hearts and the Disappearing Cat

**The characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 9: The Queen of Hearts and the Disappearing Cat_

_EPOV_

The buzz caught me off guard. I had set ring tones for each family member, and I rarely got a call that wasn't from one of them. I was not expecting to see her name lit up on the display.

I hesitated. I didn't know what hearing her voice would do to me at that point, but a different kind of panic took over.

She'd said she would only call if it were an emergency. I had a flash of her being mauled by Jake, and I instantly responded to the buzz.

"What's wrong?" I answered.

Her breath caught as if she weren't expecting to hear my voice. "I . . . you still have this number?"

"Yes. What happened?" I was impatient. Worried.

"Why do you assume something is wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing happened?" As my fear subsided, frustration emerged.

"What do you mean?"

"Bella, you promised you wouldn't call."

"You promised you would." I could hear the struggle in her voice as she tried to remain calm. She took a few sharp breaths. Neither of us spoke.

I finally broke the silence.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

She laughed, but it was strained, as if it hurt.

"Bella? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not alright. I'm not okay. It's been a year. God, I thought for sure you must have tossed the phone. Something. I started to think you must have died. I mean why else would you go a fucking year without calling? At least while your family was still around I knew you were okay. You were somewhere. But then they disappeared, and I figured you'd call. Anything….. A year, Edward! Why the hell would you do that to me?"

I despised what I had done to her. Why had I ever called her in the first place? I should have gone for the clean break. There was no way to rationale this.

"I was trying to give you space. To help you move on. It didn't make sense for us to keep torturing ourselves."

"I didn't consider it torture to talk with you. Did you?"

I answered without thinking.

"No, of course not." There was a pause. I immediately wondered whether honest was a good idea.

"So what changed?" she asked quietly.

"What do you mean?

"You were here."

"What makes you say that?" My eyes flew open in surprise. I wanted to kill Jacob in that moment. How could he tell her that? Why?

"Don't you think you'd be able to tell if I'd been in your room?"

I huffed. Obviously, I'd be able to smell her before I even entered the house, but we weren't dealing with the same set of senses.

"You're not denying it," she continued. Lying to her was too hard. I couldn't do it.

"No. How did you know?"

"More than one reason. A few things were a little 'off' on my desk. Nothing most people would notice, but I'm pretty particular about my notes and stuff. Your phone number was more visible. I'd kept that hidden very well. And yes, there was just a feeling. I noticed an energy in the room that was different, but what really set it off, was Jake's reaction. Jake is . . . well . . ."

"Your boyfriend." I cut her off.

"Something like that. Anyway, he's perceptive. Different. Sometimes I think he knows things I don't. He's kind of like you that way. Ultimately, who cares how I know. You were here. Why now? What did you want?" Her tone was almost hopeful. And I wanted to give her the answer behind the hope. But I didn't.

"I don't know." It wasn't dishonest, but it wasn't entirely forthcoming either.

"That's not good enough. I'm trying here. I think I've been very good. I didn't call you all this time. I stopped talking about you. I guess you could say I'm still pretending, Edward. It was only supposed to be for a day."

I inhaled just to buy an extra few seconds. "I honestly don't know what I wanted. I didn't really want anything. Maybe just to check in. I was out driving. I wasn't thinking, and I just kind of ended up there."

"You live close to hear then?" I should have anticipated the question, and I should have prepared an answer.

"Not that close, no. There are some things I can't answer, Bella."

"So . . . you still think about me?"

"Yes," I whispered. "But you deserve so much better."

She hesitated again. In the absence of words, I could her shifting and breathing on her end.

"Why do you get to determine that? Don't I get a say in what I deserve?"

"Not this time, Bella."

"Well, that's bullshit." I could almost hear her sit up a little straighter as she gained a greater sense of purpose. "I mean, you're telling me you think about me. You always said you wanted to be with me, but it's not in my best interest to be with you. I am legitimately asking why you get to make that decision for me. If you want me, and I want you, then being together is a risk we both take, and if it's a mistake, it's as much mine to make as yours."

"Bella, you have to let go of this. I can't be with you."

"But you want to be?"

"What difference does it make? You have a boyfriend right? That's good. You should move on." I wanted to answer the question truthfully, but we were getting nowhere.

"Who are you trying to convince, Edward? You haven't answered my question. Do you want to be with me."

"If you want me, why are you with Jake?"

She snapped.

"Fuck you. What right do you have to ask me that after all this time? You left me. You never called me. You told me to move on. So I did. And you're so right, Edward. Moving on is good. My moving on should make you very happy."

"What do you mean?"

"The idea that I'm fucking someone else now, Edward. That makes you feel good?"

I couldn't breathe, and for the first time since becoming a vampire I felt like I needed to. I already knew it. I'd seen it play out in Jacob's mind. I also knew it hadn't been an entirely happy experience for her. I was forced to swallow my bitterness. I wanted to scream or cry or ask her why, but I had no claim on those emotions.

"You have the right to sleep with whomever you wish," I said through clenched teeth.

"That's it? You have no reaction?"

"I don't deserve a reaction."

"But I do," she insisted.

"I'm not following you."

"I sure as hell deserve some sort of reaction from you. I lost my virginity to a boy who I knew loved me. But I couldn't say it to him, and afterward I realized I only did to see if it would feel half as good as it felt to be touched by you. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror for days, and all I get from you is a lecture of my rights?"

"I don't know what to say to that."

"Tell me it pisses you off. Tell me it makes you sad. Tell me you're jealous. Tell me you don't give a shit, but say something. Anything."

It was the most inane question. One she shouldn't have had to answer, and I didn't really want her too anyway, but the scared little teenage boy in me couldn't help it.

"Do you love him now?"

"Yes, I love him. He's the only thing holding me together most days. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me after you left? I wasn't functioning. And after your family left, it was hard. I tried to hide it but my dad really wanted to ship me off somewhere. I had to pull together just enough to get here. But here isn't real, Edward. It's just here. I love him, but I am not in love with him."

I swallowed though I had no saliva. "What do you want from me Bella?"

"Everything."

"I can't give you that."

"Can you give me anything?"

"I have nothing. I am nothing. Even if I could love you, I don't even have a heart left to give."

"So you really are a heartless bastard?"

I kept telling myself it was better this way. She needed to hate me. She needed to run as far away as she could. I'd been stalling, and it wasn't fair to either of us. She should finally see me for the monster I am.

"Oh my god. I am such an idiot. Ridiculously stupid. I know you haven't said it, but I really thought it had to be out of your control, or something. Like the mother ship came back or something, but it wasn't that at all. You don't love me."

"Bella, I . . ."

She cut me off. "No, wait. Unless the next words out of your mouth are, 'Bella, I do love you, and we will be together,' I don't want to hear them. So, I'm going to pause a second, and wait. If you can't say that, don't say anything.

She inhaled sharply. She was fiddling with something on the other end of the phone. I didn't speak.

"Well then, I'm done. I don't want to be. I just called .. . well I hoped maybe . . . since you stopped by . . . Anyway, I want you to know I'll never get over you. I will spend my whole life longing for whatever we have . . . had. Maybe it didn't mean anything to you, but it was everything to me. So, you can live with that. But I won't call again, and you can feel free to delete my number because I will not pick up your call. My heart may long for you, but I will not let you back in my head. I never want to see your face or feel your cold hands either. Don't you ever fucking come into my room again. You have no right to be here if you're too much of a coward to be with me"

I could hear her voice start to crack at the end of her last sentence. I could barely speak myself. "I'm sorry it as to be that way."

"Not as sorry as I am," she choked through tears.

"I think you're wrong though. You will get over me. Your feelings will change. It's what humans do."

"Please don't patronize me."

She held on though; neither of us wanting to break the connection.

"Be safe," I commanded. After all, that was the point of all of this.

And that was all she needed to click the red button.

That was it. I respected her wishes. She was forcing herself to get over me, and that was fair. She claimed she never would, but I knew humans just needed time.

Time was the last thing I needed. Time mocked me. Tormented me. I didn't keep clocks in the house. I measured time by sun up and sun down. And the hunting rituals of my family.

I didn't call. Or write. I didn't inquire about her in any way.

I didn't live. I barely breathed. Rarely hunted.

The worst possible thing had happened.

I fell in love with her. It was there. Right in front of me the whole time. I couldn't say it; didn't even dare think it when I most needed it, but now I knew. And it was too late.

Clearly I was a sick masochist. The exact moment I realized what I felt for her was the very one in which she told me to go to hell. Thankfully, I was already there so I didn't need to travel in this condition.

So fine. I'd been wandering bored through eternity before. How much worse could trip be with the burden of unrequited love?

I didn't really want to find out the answer, but I had little choice in the matter.

"Are you really going to stay away from her forever, Edward?" Alice asked one day when she dragged me out hunting.

"She asked me to leave her alone." It was that simple now. Between the Volturi and her command, I had no reason to see her again.

"Do you think she really meant it?"

"Why wouldn't she after the way I treated her?"

"Because you're an idiot."

"Thank you."

"I mean, you didn't tell her you love her."

"What makes you think I do?"

"Don't be silly, Edward."

"Honestly, I just kind of figured it out myself."

"So it's true? I wasn't actually sure."

"Does everyone else know?" I asked.

"No, not really. You've been hiding as well as you could around them."

"I'd like to keep it that way."

"Why? I don't understand. Isn't it a good thing to know how you feel? Doesn't this change things?"

"Alice, you know it doesn't. I don't have any good options here. Love is not a caveat in the vampires are secret rule book."

Despite becoming my nemesis, time did pass. It was slow, and I fought it every single day. I wouldn't say it got easier, but I was able to find the numb amidst the pain. Numb made it possible for me to stay away.

Another year passed. I assumed she graduated high school. I figured she went to college. I could almost live with myself when I imagined her in college classes, challenging professors, going to parties. That's what humans were supposed to do. It's what I had wanted for her all along.

I'd asked Alice never to look into her future. She couldn't really control the visions that came her way, but I'd hoped she could ignore them. Thankfully, she hadn't had a vision of Bella in a very long time.

It had been two years since our final phone call when Alice came in and sat down on the couch in my room.

Her mind was wide open, and I saw Bella walking across a college campus. She went to an advisor's office and declared a major. A decision made. She looked amazing. Like a woman. Almost out of my league as the wind blew her hair across her face.

I looked at Alice not able to hide my anger.

"I wasn't looking. This was not intentional, but I couldn't hide that it popped in. I have no idea why I just got a vision of her after all this time. I figured it would be best to show you know then let it slip sometime when we were with everyone else."

I nodded. I appreciated the sentiment.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'll be fine, Alice. I just need a little time to think."

She gave me a look that said she knew I was lying. I dreaded time to think.

Seeing her face through Alice's vision was almost enough of a spark to make me run to her. I knew the campus. She was in Seattle. Even closer to me than she had been in Forks.

But her face was filled with determination and confidence. And even if she hadn't told me to stay away, I couldn't swoop in now and risk destroying that. After all, Jake was right. Her determination had always been one of her best qualities.

Her face came alive when she was on a mission; the way her brain worked when trying to figure something out was probably the most significant reason why I'd fallen in love with her in the first place.

In the beginning, my attraction to her had been primal. Later, I saw it as essentially physical, but by now I realized it had been more than that. There was so much more that drew me in.

Just this little glimpse of her in the midst of a normal rite of passage was enough.

I felt confident I'd made the right decision to stay away.

In the relatively quiet of my room, Alice's vision became my favorite page in the scrapbook of memories I held on to. They may not have been tangible, but they ensured I would never forget her.

I became almost comfortable with the idea of never seeing her again. Not happy, but my resolution bred a degree of contentment.

And I learned to look at time differently. I was biding it. I could handle that. I didn't tell anyone my plan. It was best they didn't know. Bella was alive and well, living a very normal human existence. But when that life ended, my existence would as well.

The glimpse of Bella appeared to be an isolated event. We'd never figured out why Bella was unreadable to me, nor why Alice had such difficulty seeing her. But I accepted it as a blessing which prohibited Alice from sneaking too many peaks.

I took a few things for granted in that time. I assumed that Bella and Jake were still together, which was affording her a level of protection that, while not equal to my own, would serve as an adequate substitute. I also assumed that if there were any change, Jake would inform me. I believed we had that understanding between us. It was what kept me grounded, literally.

The next vision didn't come for nearly two more years. She would have been a junior in college by then, and while I wouldn't have minded seeing Bella out dancing with friends or taking the GRE, the vision Alice got was not welcome.

I saw it unfold as it happened. She Jasper and I were in the living room. Everyone else was out or occupied. Alice was getting up to grab her laptop when her vision hit. Jasper saw her start to sway and sat her back down next to him.

"Nooo!" I screamed, breaking Alice from her trance.

"What was it?" Jasper asked.

Alice looked at me and I shook my head. "Where did that come from? You have to go back and get more information."

"Edward, you know I can do that. It's gone."

"Alice, what was it?" Jasper demanded.

"Bella, Edward's human . . . as a vampire," she said softly.

"But how?" he asked. He turned to me.

Alice interjected. "I don't know. I only saw her. Have you been thinking about it Edward?"

"No, not really. You know it's always been a fleeting consideration, but I haven't made a decision to do it. Wouldn't that have to happen for you to see it?"

"I think so, but I don't really know. My visions have always been weird where she's concerned."

"What other possibility is there?" I wondered aloud.

"She couldn't have met another one of us, could she?" Jasper posited.

"Highly unlikely, and one that wouldn't kill her? It would be nearly impossible," I argued.

"Well, then it had to be you," Jasper said. "You think about it often enough."

Alice gave him a funny look, and he shrugged.

"Maybe one of us should check on her," Alice urged. "Just in case."

"It's not a bad idea," Jasper agreed.

"I can go right now," Alice said.

"No, I'll go."

I could rationalize it. It was my mess, I should be the one to go, and there were any danger, however unlikely, it was mine to face.

The real reason was less altruistic. If anyone was going to see her, it had to be me.

**E/N: Thanks to hmonster4 for her fabulous beta skills. Did you see we have a new story up called The Fates. We've got Legna beta'ing and serving as a special contributor. It's tons of fun. **

**Big love to jackbauer/staceygirl for a pre-read and to Daisy3853 for my new siggy bling on the twi threads.**

**I appreciate you all sticking with me the New Moon moping phase. We're going to see more action now. Thanks so much for all the reviews on the last chapter. We ALMOST made it to that 1K mark. Dang it was close. I'll offer a reward anyway. Drop me a review this chapter, and I'll let you know the name of one vamp who is NOT a contact. **


	16. The Caterpillar's Mushroom

**A/N: And here it is. Edward's warning (probably NSFW)**

**I don't own these characters.**

_Chapter 10: EPOV_

_The Caterpillar's Mushroom_

It was to be a quick in and out.

That's what I told myself anyway.

I was just going to make sure she was safe.

I wasn't going to talk to her. I had to see her. I needed assurance that she was okay. Just to be certain Alice's vision hadn't come true; to confirm what Jasper believed, that it was my own careless pondering that had caused it in the first place.

But it was going to be fast, and I wasn't going to let my presence be known.

I was still trying to do the right thing. If she was happy, and there were no signs of trouble, I would slip right back out and she would be none the wiser.

As was always the case when it came to Bella, I found myself doing the exact opposite of my intention.

I ended up watching her for a couple of months. From as far a distance as I could. I didn't follow her every move, but I kept a casual yet pervasive watch. I didn't go through her things like I had in Forks.

It was just that once I saw her, I couldn't leave. In part, because she was Bella, and how could I ever leave? And it wasn't that there was any obvious concern in regards to what Alice had seen. I didn't think there was.

It was the beauty of her absolutely mundane life that captivated me. I heard her alarm go off at 6:40 everyday; I listened for it. Invariably, she hit snooze at least once.

She sang in the shower at about 7:15. Consistently. The songs changed with her mood, but it always made me smile to hear her slightly out of tune crooning.

Her apartment was nothing special. I didn't want to venture inside since I was trying to keep my distance, but I had looked in one day while she was at work. The complex was large, the kind of place where one could blend in. All floor plans the same. She had one bedroom with a walk in closet. A bathroom and a small kitchen with complementary shades of gold and avocado from the late 70s. The stove had clearly been updated because it was a sparkly white in contrast to the green range hood.

She drove to work at Barnes and Noble. A large chain. Lots of employees, all dressed similarly. Nothing that would make her stand out.

Yet, she was all I saw.

She spent most of her free time on the computer or reading. I knew this from the sound of clicking or pages turning, as I was trying not to pry too deeply.

I couldn't say how long I would have carried on like that. Forever maybe. It was much easier than I'd expected. To just be near her, even if I couldn't be with her.

There were no vampires that I could see, and no wolves either. Somewhere along the line I realized that she must not have been with Jacob anymore. She didn't go anywhere on the weekends, and I hadn't heard any phone calls between them.

I was as close to happy as I had been since the day in the meadow. There were moments when I could envision myself slipping into that very existence with her. Her warning echoed in my mind, and I knew I would not be welcome if I joined her walk to work or sat beside her as she hit the keys on her laptop.

Yet another phone call changed everything.

"I have some news," Alice said slowly.

"What is it?"

"You're not going to like it, so I need you to remember to be calm," she stated.

"Did you have another vision?"

"No, I think this is probably worse."

"Alice, you're being overly dramatic."

"I'm not. Just promise me you won't do anything rash when I tell you okay?"

"Fine."

"Peter and Charlotte came to visit this weekend."

"Okay." I was actually glad I'd missed that. I didn't dislike them, but a social call wasn't on my agenda right now.

"You haven't noticed anything at all unusual with Bella? And no one . . . like us?" We never really liked to refer to ourselves as vampires. Euphemistic language managed to diminish the reality of what we were, at least in our own minds.

The question was foreboding though I couldn't think of anything that would give it credence.

"What the fuck Alice? Would you just spit it out?"

"Okay, well, they were telling us stories as they always do, and then Peter asked if we'd heard about the blog. Obviously, we didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Carlisle was particularly confused. You know how he avoids the internet if he can help it. Anyway, he said there's been some talk about a girl writing a vampire blog. With surprisingly accurate details. I can't believe you haven't seen anything." Her voice trailed off at the end.

I had a flash of Bella's fingers pounding away on the computer every free moment she had.

"What makes you think it has anything to with her?"

"Edward, I just sent you the link. It's called 'Bella's Bloodsucking Blog.'"

That old sensation came back. I hung up the phone and wretched.

I opened up my laptop and clicked on the link Alice sent. I read for about an hour. Skimming but taking in as much information as I could.

All this time I'd been watching her, and I'd missed this. She knew. How the hell did she know? Not only that, but she'd known other vampires. She'd been revealing secrets on the internet.

I picked up the phone and scrolled through my contacts. He didn't answer of course. Fucking coward. There was no doubt from my tone that I was livid.

"_Jake, this is Edward. You know why I'm calling. What the hell were you thinking? I can't believe you let this happen and didn't tell me. We have a very bad situation, and I hold you personally responsible. If anything happens to her, I swear I'm coming for you."_

The more I looked at the pages on the screen in front of me, the more I realized I didn't really have much choice but to talk to her. I gave Carlisle a quick call to let him know my plan and to see if he had any more information from Peter and Charlotte or whether he had anyone else he could call. He worried that any contacts he might make would raise more flags than it was worth. Nothing directly implicated us yet, but it wouldn't be that hard to connect our family to Bella with just a little digging.

So once again, I found myself at Bella's in the middle of the night.

I planned to scroll through her phone contacts or look for any information that would lead me to her sources. I would talk to her, but I needed information first. Information, then confrontation.

Once again, my plans never seemed to work when it came to her. She was sleeping, and I couldn't resist looking in on her. I'd seen her from afar, but not this close. She started mumbling. I couldn't help it. This was no longer a teenage girl; a woman lay in that bed. A woman with a perfect curve to her hips. A woman who still wore the sexiest plain white panties I'd ever seen.

I sat down, hoping to hear my name. It was vain and shallow and wrong of me to still want to hear it after all these years. I had read enough of the blog to know she still thought about me, but it seemed to be more about curiosity. She'd clearly been involved with other men; her skin had known the touch of other hands. Still, I wanted to believe that there was longing.

I was willing to admit that I had made mistakes. Her not knowing had not prevented her from learning the truth, had not kept her from harm's way. Her determination had won, though ultimately winning wasn't a good thing.

As wrong as it was, I needed her to think about me as I thought about her.

I was ready when the words started forming. I leaned in even though I would hear slightest whisper from anywhere in the house.

What I wasn't prepared for was the name that was released from her lips.

She had begun tossing and gripping at her sheets.

"RILEY!" she called. In the past she'd never fully woken when she was restless at night, so I completely caught off guard when her eyes flew open. She sat up and gasped. I moved fast, but not quite fast enough.

"Who's there? What do you want?" I was almost out the door but she continued to yell. "Who are you and what do you want from me?"

I couldn't leave her like that. I just couldn't.

She was still sitting in her bed; she had pulled up her covers with one hand. She was breathing hard.

"Bella?"

She looked up rapidly.

"You?"

"Yes."

"Why are you here?" I didn't know whether she'd forgotten her warning or she was too relieved to care, but there was no anger in her initial question.

"I read your blog, Bella."

"Okay, and your point is?"

"I'm not the only one who's read it."

"That was kind of the why I wrote it."

"You have to know how serious this is."

She shook her head suddenly, as if realizing what was happening, that she was talking to me.

"I told you not to come here."

"I know, but I had to anyway."

"You can't do this. You can't just show up here. This is my apartment, and I told you to stay away." She pulled her blankets in a little closer.

"It was wrong of me to come here in the middle of the night, but I really need to talk to you about this. Can we talk?"

"I don't think it's a good idea," Something about the way she said it reminded me of my own indecision when it came to her.

"Bella, please listen to me. Your writing is incredibly dangerous, and I just need to know more about how you know all this. You're not the only one at risk here."

She did not respond. She looked down at her bed and bit her lip.

"I didn't know, Edward," she said in the softest voice. She was only beginning to understand. I'd sensed that in her writing.

"I know. It's not your fault. It's mine. Will you talk to me? Maybe we can figure all this out."

"I don't know. I need to think about it. You left me with nothing. I'm not sure what I want to give you now."

"That seems . . . fair. If I leave my number, will you call me tomorrow?"

"Is it still the same?"

"Yes." We'd moved, but I had never changed the number.

"I still have it."

My brow furrowed. "But I thought you said . . ."

"It doesn't matter. I've always had it." Her tone was difficult to read. She was angry and impatient, but I sensed fear and I'd be a fool if I didn't notice there was more to it. Whatever attraction we'd had to each other was still there.

We stared at each other. I broke the silence. "I should go. Please call me. I won't be far. You'll need to lock up behind me." I motioned out of her bedroom toward the front door.

I walked at a perfectly human pace toward the front door. I was almost there, almost free of the intoxicating scent that had permeated my nose and settled in my throat.

"Wait," she called.

I stopped but didn't turn.

"Touch me?" she pleaded softly.

I took a breath and looked up to the ceiling. .

"You know I can't."

"You did before." She challenged. I exhaled.

"It's been too long. It's not a good idea."

"Fuck that!"

It stung like a fresh slap. I turned slowly. She didn't let me make it all the way around.

"It's a bullshit excuse and you know it. Either you're afraid or you don't want to touch me. Which one is it? Because I can't handle not knowing anymore. It's been too many years of not knowing whether you wanted me or hated me."

My hands were in my pockets, and I looked down at my shoes as if memorizing them. "Maybe it's both." She shook her head to clear it. How can you want someone and hate them at the same time?

"Why?"

"It's not safe."

"So, you're afraid?

"Yes."

"And?"

"And I want you. Of course I want you."

"But you won't touch me?"

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

"I thought that was obvious. To save your life."

"Don't bother."

Before her mouth had finished vibrating from the words she'd spoken I had her up against a wall, straining not to use force. I wasn't touching her, but my arms blocked her in place.

"Don't say that!" I growled. "Don't ever say that again."

"God damn it, then give me a reason to live. Show me that anything in my life is worth it. The only time I've ever felt alive is when you touched me. Please, Edward."

Logic told me that it was the worst thing I could do. Emotion made it my only option. I could not be this close to her and not touch her.

I was faced with another decision. Where to touch her, and with what part of my body. I needed to ease myself into this.

Not that I should be doing this at all.

I peeled one hand off the wall. I let it dangle in mid air while I decided. Bella closed her eyes and waited. She appeared calm, but her heart rate and breath gave away her anxiety.

She stood there, completely vulnerable to me. Trusting me to do the right thing. To take care of her fragile body, her open heart, and her brilliant mind.

I placed my hand back on the wall. And I did the absolute wrong thing, as I always seemed to do with her.

I kissed her.

It was much the same as our last kiss when I'd dropped her off at her house in Forks all those years ago. Quick. Chaste. Powerful.

Her eyes flew open in surprise, and I pulled my head back.

Her hand reached up to touch her lips. "It feels the same," she said, softly caressing her mouth. "I wasn't sure if it would. Did you still feel it?"

"Yes."

"I thought it was just because of what you are. But it wasn't. I touched Alice. And Riley. It's you. Just you."

"It's us, Bella." I wanted to ask her who Riley was, to find how she knew everything in that blog, but I was frozen. Afraid that if I said anything, she'd tell me to leave again, and I had no desire to go.

She nodded.

"Kiss me again, Edward."

"I shouldn't."

"Damn it, Edward. Who the hell cares about shouldn'ts? You're a fucking vampire. You shouldn't exist. So just kiss me for crying out loud."

"You didn't want me to come here; you didn't want me to touch you again."

"Stop thinking. I know you can do this. You can pretend too. We both can. Just for tonight. Whatever happened or what's to come. You pretend for me . . . for once. I need this."

I hadn't taken my eyes off her lips. I knew I wanted it. How many invitations could I possibly refuse?

Her tongue peaked out between her lips, and I simply didn't have the willpower to resist anymore.

My lips met hers, but this time the innocence was gone.

Maybe it had always been pretence anyway. Was the connection between ever really anything virtuous?

Our bodies cried for more. It seemed almost at once that so many things happened. She reached up and placed her hands on both sides of my face. Her palms setting my cheeks ablaze. I brought my hands off the wall and grabbed her hips. I spread my legs wider to even out the height difference and leaned forward to join our chests. The action created contact basically from head to toe and everything in between.

She moved her hands down my body. She didn't waste time. She went directly for my pants. There was no struggle with my belt. No swearing at the buttons. It was another reminder of lost innocence. She knew exactly what she was doing, what she wanted, and how she was going to get it.

It scared me. I'd never known what to do when I wasn't the one in control.

My kissing slowed. My hands broke contact.

She slipped a hand under the waistband of my underwear, and grabbed hold.

"Don't you fucking dare stop now," she commanded. "I've waited far too long for this. You are going to take me back to my bed now."

"Bella, I don't know if I can. It's not . . ."

"Safe? I know that. You keep saying that. Don't you get it? I really don't care. You owe me this."

She began stroking me, and I felt myself fall under her spell. My head fell forward, and my forehead rested against hers.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough, Bella."

"You are, Edward. I know you are."

She let go of me, and I stepped back uncertain of her intention.

She pulled her shirt over her head and stepped out of the sweats she was wearing, taking her panties with her.

She hadn't been wearing a bra, so she stood completely naked in front of me. I couldn't have imagined anything more perfect.

"I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. Please." She reached out her hand to lead me to her bed.

Being the complete fool that I am, I took her hand and I followed.

When we got to her room she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Take your clothes off, Edward. I need to see you."

I complied, perhaps too rapidly. I forgot for a second what I was. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was slightly agape.

"I forgot how fast you are." She sort of giggled to herself. "Well, I guess if this is going to be painful, at least it'll be over quickly."

"I don't want to hurt you. I'm going to try not to." I sat down next to her on the bed. "And I don't have to do everything fast, Bella."

"Edward," she sighed.

My hands and tongue remembered favorite spots on her body. She responded to my touches and my licks with soft panting and the sweet scent of her physical arousal.

I tried to avoid the most dangerous places, where I could see her pulse for example. I couldn't begin to describe the burn. It was everywhere. Any time our skin met, or our tongues touched. But it was deeper and more painful than that. My throat was on fire. I felt like a newborn again. But somehow my body knew two passions. And It understood that if I satisfied the thirst first, I would always have the hunger.

We had fallen back on the bed. She found her way down and took me in her mouth, slowly and skillfully bringing me to the edge, but stopping just before pushing me over.

"Are you ready for me?" she whispered and she moved to straddle me.

"I'm more worried about you."

"Don't be. I've always been ready for this."

With that she crashed down on me, pulling me inside her in one fluid motion. We both cried out, whether it was from shock or the overwhelming sense of pleasure, I wasn't sure. There was a short pause before she moved first. Rocking up and down and forward and back. She threw her head back and moaned.

I thrust up to meet her when she pushed down. We moved in sync. I lost track of time. There were no fears, or hesitations. There was only us. Joined.

I slid one hand down from her hip and pressed my thumb against her, letting her movements create their own friction.

"Oh god," she whined. Then she leaned back slightly and increased the pace of her movements. I felt her before she said anything. Her body tensed in anticipation of its free fall.

"I think I'm there," she said followed by a sharp inhale. Her rocking ceased as her body shook. I kept a fast, steady rhythm. And I found myself losing control before I really wanted to. I could have stayed in her all night.

"Fuck, Bella, it feels too good."

"Just let yourself feel it, Edward. It's better than anything. I promise."

I was afraid to let go. Afraid that the thirst would overcome me in the heat of passion, but I couldn't fight it anymore.

She was right. There was nothing better. I had never known anything that felt as good as it felt to look into Bella's eyes after we'd made love.

She collapsed on top of me. I had stopped breathing. I was cautious in my touch, trying to avoid anywhere I might feel the rhythm of her heart pumping her blood. I put myself in some sort of mental lock down. I focused on morbid thoughts. Death, despair, loss. It wasn't what I wanted to think about it, but it worked.

My throat still hurt, but I was feeling more control.

I was able to begin letting my fingers, relax against her skin. I allowed myself to notice the beads of sweat at her brow and to hear the sigh of contentment she expressed when I kissed the top of her head.

"For the first time since you left, I don't feel crazy. You're real. It's real, isn't it?" she whispered in my ear.

"Yes, Bella. It's always been real."

**E/N: A few things. They do not use protection, but I do not believe in vampire babies. So look at this as pre-BD canon. I'm honestly not sure of all the logic in it, but SM never talked condoms, and she didn't seem to think venom would be a problem in sex, and she didn't believe Edward could get Bella pregnant. I'm taking it and running with it, but I have no idea how or why. **

**Second, take a wiki on the title. Some say the caterpillar was a phallic symbol in Alice in Wonderland, and his mushroom represented a loss of innocence as Alice struggled with whether she was a big or little. So, this experience was clearly a crossroads for them. **

**Thanks to everyone still with me. I appreciate your support more than you know. Each review is very special to me. Blog chapter next, and then it's pretty much prologue time. **

**If you're not also reading **_**the Fates**_**, Hmonster4 and I are having a blast writing it.**

**Now, hit hte review button and tell me if you're glad he touched her or not!**


	17. Bella's Blog Nov10, 2008

**These characters are not mine.**

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_November 10__th__, 2008_

Hi everyone! So, we're coming to the end of fall, which is kind of depressing. I don't mind fall because it's about change. I'm not a big fan of winter though. Cold and wet don't make me happy. I grew up in the Southwest, and to this day I miss the heat and the sun, but it's not exactly conducive to vampire hunting there.

I'm still a little bummed that my contact isn't calling me back,, but I can't do anything about it. I have no idea what happened. I really thought we were friends, and obviously, I learned quite a bit from him. That said, I don't have any new vamp info for you this week.

Someone reminded me that I had promised to share more on the wolves, and I hadn't done that so it seemed like a pretty good topic right about now. Plus people are always asking how I finally figured out I'd met vampires, and the two go hand in hand.

I had to go back to remember what I'd already said. I might end up repeating myself a little here, so if I bore you, sorry.

I knew my vampires weren't human a long time before I knew exactly what they were. I actually learned about werewolves before vampires. I'm pretty sure I've said that before. It's all a little complicated, and yes, I realize how unlikely and insane it sounds for one human to have spent time with both. But really when you consider their link to each other, it makes sense. I explained this in the very first blog I think. The werewolves I knew existed solely to protect humans. They were the exact opposite of traditional "hounds of hell" type lore. Rather than serving evil or guarding vampires during the day, they really saw themselves as the good guys so to speak. They took their role very seriously.

Unlike my experience with the vampires, I didn't know instantly that the wolves weren't 100% human. It was quite a while, in fact. In retrospect it was all so obvious, and I couldn't believe how blind I'd been, but then again, I guess I was in a very weird place. My first vampire had just left me, and I wasn't really seeing anything clearly. I started hanging out with the pack shortly after my first vampire left. The others were still around.

I was absolutely obsessed with trying to figure out what kind of creatures they were. I was convinced they were aliens. I tried testing several theories. I made excuses to bump into them to see what they felt like, stuff like that. I wasn't talking to any of my other friends much though. I had pretty much shut myself off from any social activity. People who loved me were worried, so I had to make an effort.

The werewolves were my effort. Again, it all makes sense now. I'm pretty sure they knew why I was so upset, and they understood more than others what was going on with me. They didn't ask questions; they just let me be.

It was all a very slow process. I pretty much just hung out with my one friend. I'd known him since we were kids. I could relax around him. I knew he wanted more than friendship, but he seemed to understand that I couldn't go there . . . at least not at first. Over time, I was able to hang out with his friends and later the circle grew. Eventually, he did become my boyfriend. It wasn't fair to him, really because I was never fully there for him, but it was comfortable and easy and we kind of fell into it. I guess it was like an expectation or the inevitable; it just didn't seem worth it to fight against it.

There were signs all along that they were something not entirely human as well, but I missed them. Funny because I never missed a thing with the vampires. Maybe I was too tired, or too focused, or too out of it. I don't know. Unlike vampires, their skin ran abnormally hot. That was always brushed off with an excuse, so I let it go. The boys all grew a lot. And fast. They were huge, but not inhumanly huge. Because they were all from the same cultural background, it could be seen as simply a genetic issue.

Still with me? Quick recap?

Bella depressed when first vamp left.

Bella nearly sent to nut house.

Bella befriends pack of wolves, only she doesn't know what they are.

Sounds just like me right?

I was able to put together so many things long after the fact. Like the rest of the vampires left only a few months after the first one. In retrospect, it was about the time the boys started turning.

You see, for them, turning is sort of a coming of age thing. At least it is when there are vampires in the area. There was an entire generation that was skipped because they weren't needed for protection. It's absolutely fascinating genetic stuff, the kind of thing I wish could be studied. They are shrouded in secrecy too though. In fact, my friend, who later became my boyfriend, was forbidden from telling me. There is this weird pack thing that when the alpha male tells you what to do or not do, you literally have to follow. So even when I started to question some things, no one could be honest with me.

People ask me all the time how I figured out what the vampires were. I tell them eventually everything just clicked. When I was a little girl, I lost a tooth. The tooth fairy came, and I got some change under my pillow. The next day I found my tooth in a drawer in the kitchen. Someone might as well have flipped a switch. I remember confronting my dad with a statement like, "So, there's no tooth fairy huh?"

He apologized, and I just knew that it meant there was no Easter Bunny or Santa Claus either. My dad took me out for ice cream, but I thought it just sucked. Anyway, it was kind of like that with the wolves and vamps only instead of turning out to be fake, it was the opposite. I would love to tell you there was some big event, something momentous that brought it all together. It wasn't quite that big.

The last time I talked to my vampire was about a year after he left. I put things together pretty shortly after that. I figure that seeing him again sparked something. I'd been numbing myself for a long time, trying not to be crazy. Suddenly, my eyes were open, and I started to notice all the weird things more. Why were they so big and so hot? I paid closer attention. I gathered information. I took notes. I was way off base. I thought it was drugs or something. Maybe a cult or ritualistic behavior. It seems I'm never right in my initial assessment.

Then, me being me, I followed my boyfriend one night, and I saw the transformation for my own eyes. It wasn't a full moon or midnight or anything like that. Just some random night. One second he was standing there talking to his friends, the next he was a very large wolf tearing off into the woods. I was frozen on the spot, completely unable to process what I'd just seen.

I remember willing my feet to move. Something told me I should get out of there. I'd never once been afraid of my vampire, but this frightened me.

I barely made it back to the house before I fell apart. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, and I really did think I might have gone off the deep end. Maybe I'd just started seeing things.

Time, tears, and talking. That's what it took to understand. Once I was "in the know" I was able to hear the stories and legends of how they came to be. The elders wove fantastic tales about "cold ones." In the blink of an eye, I had my answer.

I wasn't relieved though. I was pissed. My boyfriend, who claimed to love me, had spent over a year hiding something like that from me, and I'm not talking about this transformation. He had to have known that I was intent on figuring out what the vampires were; he knew. He had the power to help me understand, and he ignored it. I suppose there was no way to fully recover from that. I blamed him for a lot of lost time and energy.

I was too scared to leave or break up with him. I stayed; I learned. I guess I used him. I always had really. They filled my head with all kinds of terrible notions about vampires, and I had a hard time trying to reconcile that with the experience I'd had, but I did drop my research for a while.

I was in another kind of fog in a way. Almost a denial. I went off to college; it was an escape from everything. At first I went home as often as I could, or my boyfriend came to see me. When I was out of his presence, the drug began to wear off. It wasn't enough to know what they were; I needed more information, and I wasn't getting it from their enemies. It became a major source of conflict. Between being fundamentally at odds, having a long distance relationships, and never really being in love him, our relationship was doomed.

My freshman year was really a transformative time for me. It was the year I understood I could follow my passions, but "pass" for normal. I made new friends online; I went to my first convention where I met other believers. I stopped contemplating the best suicide methods.

I guess you could say I was doing alright. I went along just fine for a good long while. I got greedy though. That's when I started hanging out in all the wrong places, looking for vampires. I was lucky enough to find out. That brings me full circle, and you all know that story already.

This is getting long, and I turned this into more of a story than I intended. I think I hit the major points about the werewolves though. I'll put up a fact sheet for clarification. Here's a quick bullet of some of the most interesting things.

Mind reading between pack members.

No moon required for phasing.

Genetic

Only transform to save humans from vampires

Run exceptionally hot

Controlled by alpha male

Volatile: particularly right after phasing begins. I didn't know this until later, but I guess they all took major precautions around me. They can't control themselves. I found it odd. If they were created to save humans, it seemed like a major flaw in the genetic design, but they wouldn't talk more about it.

They do not age while they are phasing. If they stop phasing, they will return to normal aging process.

That's it for now. Here's hoping my contact calls, but I'm going to keep looking for a new contact just in case.

Happy Hunting everyone!

XXXXXXX

_EPOV_

Planes were very difficult for me. So many people in one place. Between the smells, the sounds, and thoughts, it was very hard to shut down. Re-reading Bella's blog was helping me focus. After this entry, I let the chaos envelop me. I inhaled the sweat, the blood, the tears of crying babies. I heard the mumbles, the ice cubes clanking, the snores. I took in the offensive sounds in order to drown out what I felt when I let the reality of it sink in.

Over and over again, I was reminded how badly I had failed. It didn't do any good to wallow in it. I knew that logically, but each time I was faced with one more example, I found myself slipping. I wanted to keep my focus on the future, on action, on plans. Not on all the ways I had fucked up. The most egregious offenses were easy to list. Leaving Bella alone at all was high on the list. Leaving her with a werewolf had been incredibly stupid. The worst though, the most unforgivable was that I'd left her without ever telling her I loved her.

There was a chance she'd never know.

If she's still alive, that is the first thing I need to fix.

**E/N: Hi folks! Thanks so much for the feedback on the last chapter. Seems most people liked touching, but you know it's going to complicate things going forward. You're absolutely right. We get complication and prologue next chapter. **

**I'll try not to keep you hanging too long. Alternating updates with The Fates, so sometimes, it's a 4 and I are having too much fun though. Check it out if you haven't.**

**I need to thank someone who nominated me for Twific awards as I'm assured it wasn't my usual pimp. Speaking of Daisy, thanks for the pre-read and for always finding the last minute errors. **

**Between fanfic and my email, I may have missed some review replies last time, and for that I'm sorry. I'll do better this time. In fact, I'm happy to offer up a teaser if you feel like dropping me a line.**


	18. The Mock Turtle

**The characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 11: The Mock Turtle_

_EPOV_

I felt a little like I'd driven a car straight into a brick wall going a hundred miles per hour. Vampires don't really have adrenaline, but I felt that kind of high. It was so many things. The build up. The release. The way I felt about her. The fear for her, of what was or wasn't to come.

She had collapsed on top of me, and I rested one had on the small of her back. Her left leg was draped across mine. We didn't move for a while. We didn't dare say anything.

Her breathing told me she was close to sleep, but I could feel her start to shiver.

"You're cold."

"Maybe a little," she admitted sleepily.

"It's me. I should get up."

"No, don't even think about it. I'll grab a blanket . . . or two."

She walked to the closet and pulled out a second comforter. She didn't bother covering herself.

"You're so confident," I said without thinking.

"Huh?" She turned toward me, completely naked holding the blanket in one hand.

"You know what you want, and you don't stop yourself from getting it. You've always been that way, but I do remember you being more modest."

She looked down at herself quickly, looked back up at me, and shrugged her shoulders. "Does it bother you?"

"Not at all. I was just thinking about the ways you've changed."

"Well, sometimes life changes you. I'm more the same than I am different." She walked back to the bed, not bothering to hide behind the blanket she held.

"Yes, I see that." Her words cut to the bone though. I wasn't sure if she realized just how prophetic they were. _Life changes you_.

"But yes, I have more experience. I'm older now." She was back in bed, pulling the covers up around her then. And again, there it was . . . life and change.

"I know." There was so much to say, so many separate but related conversations to have, but I didn't know where to begin, so I said nothing. I avoided. Bella curled up under the covers, and I assumed she would fall right to sleep.

"How old are you?" she surprised me by asking.

"You sure you want to know?"

"Yes, I want to know lots of things about you."

"Human years or vampire?" It was the first time I'd ever acknowledged what I was to her. She shock registered on her face, but then she thought for a minute.

"Both I guess."

"I was born in 1901, and I was changed when I was seventeen."

She didn't follow up at all. I had no way of knowing how she felt about either of those statements. By human standards, she was an older woman now. Too old to be dating a seventeen- year- old boy. By other standards, I was ancient.

"Bella, who's Riley?"

"Why do you ask?" There was a hint of panic in her voice, and she propped herself up on her elbow to look at me. "Do you know him?"

"No, you said his name in your sleep."

"Oh." She picked at the blanket, as she tried to settle herself into the bed. "He's . . . a friend."

"Human?"

"Can we talk about this more tomorrow, Edward? I'm really tired." I looked into her eyes, and it was clear that she was. There was so much I needed to know, but one night wouldn't hurt. What was a little more pretending? Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she put her hand out to grab my arm. "You'll be here tomorrow right?"

"We have a lot to discuss, so yes, I'll be here."

Her brow furrowed slightly, but she closed her eyes. "Okay, well tomorrow then. Well later today. Whatever."

I began to run my fingers lightly up and down her back. Before she fell asleep, she whispered, "I needed you, Edward."

It was nearing dawn at that point. I looked down at our bodies entwined on the bed. Sun began to filter through the window, and I watched my skin change. My skin was not marred by freckles or tiny hairs, but looked entirely wrong as it sparkled ridiculously against her gloriously imperfect body.

That's when my head really started swimming. This was no longer a quick anything. What the hell was I thinking? Could I even leave now? It would destroy her . . . and me. What good could come of this? I admit I was surprised things had gone as well as they had. The result had been simply amazing. I'd never felt anything like that. I suspected I never would again.

My thoughts began to overwhelm me, and despite the two comforters, Bella was curled up in a ball trying to conserve her body heat, so I slipped out of bed. I grabbed my pants, and wandered into the living room. I was tempted to fire up her computer to see what I could find, but given the circumstances, it no longer felt appropriate.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it over in my hands for a while. I hit the button knowing she'd be getting ready for school by now.

"Hi Edward." The tone was resigned. She had expected my call.

"How much do you know?"

"I don't know what actually happened, only where things were headed. At least where you both wanted them to head. Did it go there?"

"Yeah."

"You don't sound very happy about it. Did everything go okay?"

"Yes, it was fine. Better than I expected actually."

"Well, that's good then, Edward."

"I know."

"You're not convincing me of anything."

"What now, Alice?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean nothing's changed has it?"

"I don't think that's true. I think there are a lot of things that are different."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that she's in too deep. It's only a matter of time before someone kills her or changes her at this point. Even if I didn't have the visions, it would seem pretty obvious, don't you think?" Alice explained.

"There has to be another way," I argued.

"Edward, be realistic."

"What is everyone else saying?" I asked.

"No one's really sure what you're doing there, and they think you should just stay away because it could cause us all trouble."

"Do they know what happened here?"

"Of course not. I didn't even know," Alice retorted.

"Will you keep it that way?"

She exhaled needlessly. "I suppose."

"I don't know what to do, Alice. I don't know what the fuck to do."

"And I don't know what to tell you, Edward. After all these years, your options really haven't changed at all."

Alice was right. I really had limited options at this point. I sat on the couch pondering them. After about an hour, I heard her stirring in the room, and I knew she was close to waking. I probably should have gone in to be there, but I was buying myself more time.

She was quiet but not quiet enough.

She let out a breath in relief when she saw me sitting on the couch.

"You're still here," Bella said. I couldn't identify whether it was a question or a statement.

"I told you I would be."

"I don't really believe most of what you say anymore," she answered in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Fair enough."

"I'm going to make some coffee. Do you need anything?"

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged and walked away. The kitchen wasn't far away; we could have been talking, but I don't think either of us really wanted to have any part of this conversation.

"Why are you here, Edward?" she began when she walked back into the room holding a mug between two hands. She sat down on in the chair adjacent the couch. She tucked one foot under a leg that she rested on the coffee table. "I mean. I know I asked last night, but why now? What happened?"

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my legs. "I've been in town for a while. Alice . . ." I stopped suddenly aware of just how little she knew. "Alice has visions of the future, and she saw something about you that was concerning, so I came to see what was happening, but I didn't see any trouble. Then the other day, I got a call. A friend was passing through town and shared news about your blog. It seems people are talking."

I waited for a response. She pulled her other leg up into a cross legged position. "How long?"

I looked up at her.

"How long have you been in the area?" she repeated.

"A couple of months."

"And just now you came here?" Her tone revealed nothing but curiosity.

"Yes."

"Because of the blog?"

"Yes."

"I see," she said looking down at her legs.

"What?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. So, you said you came here to save me. What did you mean by that?"

"You have to stop."

"I don't think it really matters at this point does it?"

"I don't believe that."

"Bullshit. I made my own bed. I'm not proud of it, but it's my responsibility. I'll deal with the consequences, even if it's death. I'm not afraid to die, Edward. It should be pretty clear that I'm not really living anyway."

"Please don't say that."

"I meant what I said last night. I didn't know. My first contact was like you I think, if I've figured you out right. You don't drink human blood do you?" It felt like a change of subject, but this was the first we'd really talked about what I was.

"No, how did you know?" I asked slowly.

"Well the fact that you go to human school was a big clue; no one was dying around Forks. Over time though, the biggest issue was your eyes, of course , but I didn't know all of that until fairly recently."

"Who are these contacts?"

She was quite for minute. Deep in concentration.

"I think it's best if you don't know. You said it yourself. If people did any real digging, it wouldn't be that hard to connect me to Forks, to you. I've never given anything away, but I think it's best if I don't tell you."

I laughed.

"What?"

"It just figures."

"I don't understand."

"Bella, I can read minds."

"Read minds? Like you know what people are thinking?" She seemed incredulous.

"Pretty much."

"Oh, well then why did you ask the question?"

"I can't read yours," I stated simply. She pondered that for a minute.

"Really?"

I nodded.

"Huh."

"It was one of the things that first attracted me to you. I liked the peace you give me. Anyway, I just found it a bit ironic that I can't read your mind, and you have the information I most want right now."

"What would you do with the information?"

"I'd go after them. Figure out what their game is. They're playing you. I want to know why."

"There you go," she stated as if it answered the question.

"What?"

"That's why I won't tell you. It's hard to admit, but by now I know I'm being played. I didn't at first, obviously. Riley really did just become my friend. He didn't know a lot about other vampires. He pretty much kept to himself, because he was different. I learned some basics from him, but not a lot."

"How did he develop a conscience?"

"What do you mean?"

"Sorry, how did he learn that he didn't need human blood?"

"Oh. I don't know. I guess he just sort of came to it."

"That's unusual."

"I don't know anything about it." She shrugged her shoulders again. This time dismissively. "I just know he wouldn't hurt me. I trusted him. Then he stopped calling, and I guess now he must have gotten spooked or something. I'm only telling you that much, because I want you to know I had no idea how dangerous any of this was. I was kind of left out hanging. The only information I had came from the pack, and they hated you, so I didn't really trust their philosophy. I needed to know."

"He's gone?" I ignored any talk of the wolves. I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to do about Jacob.

"Yes."

"How long?" I asked.

"Oh gosh, since October?"

"But you have another contact." I didn't ask this time. I stated.

"You already know I do."

"He's not like Riley."

"No, and you knew that too."

"Please tell more."

She shook her head. "No, it's better that I don't."

We had a moment of awkward silence.

"Why couldn't you just let it be?" I demanded.

"Why did you want to save me?" she responded.

We stared at each other long enough for me to realize the answers to those questions were likely the same.

"You don't have to die."

"One way or another, I will. It's what humans do."

"It doesn't have to be right now, Bella. You have a lot of time left. And maybe . . . maybe there are other ways . . ." I trailed off, unable to articulate the one thing I didn't want to have happen but which seemed more and more like a viable option.

"I don't think I want to be turned, Edward. Not anymore. I've seen different angles on what it means to be like you, and at this point, I'm inclined to stay just the way I am. Until my time runs out that is."

I felt overwhelmed by the statement she'd just made. "You can't stay here and keep writing though. You have to get away."

"And go where?"

"I don't know. You can come with me."

"What for?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you offering me, Edward? I've just told you I don't want to be a vampire. I don't want immortality. I don't want your life. What would I gain by coming with you? What about you? They'll find you. They'll find me. No good can come of it." I wasn't sure whether she included any relationship potential we might have in these questions. I was confused about how to answer.

I swallowed hard, and looked at her. "Last night . . . I thought . . ."

I should have told her I thought we'd made love, forged a connection that would last a life time, but I trailed off leaving both of us waiting. She didn't fill the silence for a couple of minutes, assuming I would pick up where I left off. When she did speak, her tone had shifted.

"You thought what? Happily ever after? You kept telling me you left to keep me safe. It didn't work. It's not really your fault. Well, you were stupid and blind, but so was I, and I created such a mess. I just needed to know more, and the more I learned, the more I thought I was doing the right thing. I get now though that you had limited options at the time. I didn't understand them then."

"It's different now," I lied.

She looked at me incredulously. "Last night was great, Edward. Something I always wanted to experience. Beyond great. I've never felt anything like that."

"But?"

"I'm not coming with you."

"I could make you come."

"You won't."

"You have to stop the blog."

She nodded. "I know. I will. I just have to wrap some things up. I've misled a lot of people, Edward, and I can't just leave them hanging."

"You can do that anywhere."

"And I'll do it here."

"I don't understand."

She took a deep breath. When she exhaled it was with resignation.

"I don't think I can be around you, Edward. I don't know if I want to be." Her tone was even, flat. She continued in the same unemotional tenor. "You hurt me, and I don't think you'll ever understand the extent of that pain. I needed to feel you, to be with you to get you out of my system."

She closed her eyes, and let a thought pass.

"But now I'm not sure I can look at you and not see all of the mistakes you made. Which all led me straight into my own."

There was so little I could say to that.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

She nodded slightly.

"I know, and I wish it were enough, but sorry only goes so far."

"So, what's next?"

"You go, and you don't come back. You've never listened to me before, but you're going to this time because you owe me."

"It's not that simple, Bella."

"Yes, it is. My contact knows nothing about you, and if someone else comes for me, well you never did anything wrong. You never revealed your secret. You should be safe . . . if you go now."

Was it possible my head actually hurt? I couldn't move. I couldn't leave. We were at an impasse. I was stuck on her couch. Minutes passed. She stared at me. She must have realized I had no intention of getting up.

"Edward, get the fuck out of my house, and don't come back."

I stared back at her blankly.

"I don't want you here. I don't want your help. You had years to help me, and you didn't. It's too late for me, for us."

I remained still.

"I don't love you anymore. I probably never did. It was really just a fascination and that strange thing that happens when we touch. Anyway, I don't know what I felt. Lust maybe? Thankfully, we got that out of the way last night, so you can go."

"You said you'd never stop loving me." It slipped out. It must have sounded petulant.

"Let's not compare lies right now. I'm pretty sure when push comes to shove, yours trump mine. It doesn't really matter what a stupid teenage girl thought. I didn't know what you were. I'm sorry if I led you on last night. It was just a physical reaction after all these years."

I couldn't put my finger on it, but something felt off. I understood though. After all, I couldn't stand to look at myself either. After everything I'd done to her, it made sense.

I didn't say anything. I got up and went to the bedroom, looking for clothes. I was presentable in minutes.

I walked back out to the living room, my hands stuffed in my pockets. I moved slowly, unnaturally slow for a vampire. She was pouring a fresh cup of coffee.

"Bella, I don't know how to leave you now. Tell me who he is. Maybe I can find out what he wants."

"No."

I walked toward her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward me. She tried to resist, but it was futile. She pushed as hard as she could which served no purpose whatsoever. She couldn't get away from me. She could push all she wanted, but she couldn't make me go.

She glanced up at me with such anger in her eyes. "Go now, Edward. I do not want you. Don't make me say it again. Leave and don't come back. I told you to stay away once and you didn't. This time, I swear I will find a way to out your family if you mess with me again."

I could try to come up with excuses for why I left. I could couch it in something noble, that I wanted to protect my family, but it was a joke. I could have made her come with me; I might have been able to keep everyone safe. I could tell you I knew I'd never really be able to stay away since I hadn't yet.

I could say all that, but it came down to one thing. I was a complete and utter idiot because I did leave. I had been unprepared for the sting of the rejection no matter how justified it had been. I hated to admit how fragile my ego really was.

I went back to my family to await the news of her death and to plan my own. If this was a tragedy, it was the only way it could end.

My family prepared to move. They knew it was time to leave the area; I would go with them. My intention was to stay with them long enough to know that they were safe, that things had blown over.

I couldn't stop thinking about her though. She wrote a blog where she talked about seeing me, and it nearly killed me.

Then she wrote an entry that I perceived as a goodbye, and I couldn't take it anymore.

The first lie I discovered didn't exactly tip her hand, but it got me moving. She was scared. It was clear in every word she wrote. She could tell me she wasn't afraid to die, but fear was the ink she used to write her last words.

The thought of her alone, afraid, waiting to die was eventually too much, and I knew I had to save her. My family kept me at bay for a few more days, telling me how stupid it would be, how it was best to stay out of it. It wasn't my fault. They didn't know about the sex or the love, for that matter. Except for Alice, who was biting her tongue.

I had to go back. I'd find a way to make sure she didn't fulfill her threat. If I was destroyed in the process, so be it, but I would do what I could to keep them all safe.

I was out hunting alone when I finally decided it was time. Alice warned everyone, and they were gathered in the living room.

"You can't take this on by yourself, Edward," Esme noted quietly.

"I have to."

"Don't be so noble. It's one little human after all." Rosalie's tone bit.

"But it's my fault."

"So what?" She said rolling her eyes. "Unless this is really about your dick."

Her voice dripped with indignation and smugness. A slight smirk spread at the corners of her mouth.

"Fuck you, Rosalie. And leave my dick out of it."

She raised an eyebrow, letting one thought escape, _"Oh please. As if that's what you really want."_

I glared back at her for a second, saying nothing and everything at the same time. With a sizeable breath, I turned to face the others.

"I can't live with myself if I do nothing."

"You're not living now. What's the difference?" Rosalie spat back at me.

"_Edward, tell her,"_ Alice urged, but not out loud, so I only I could hear.

I looked away, trying to drown out every thought in their heads with the one that was driving me now.

"_It's the only way to make them understand,"_ she pleaded again.

I responded with a whisper. It wouldn't have been audible to a human.

"I love her."

She'd gone down the rabbit hole. And I was responsible. She'd jumped in to find me. I knew that now. I'd watched her meandering through the maze of tunnels for years, yet I hadn't stopped her or done anything to try to pull her out. Now she was stuck without an exit. And she hadn't even figured it out yet. She was trapped, and any hope of getting her out alive was rapidly fading.

"That does change things, doesn't it?" Esme acknowledged. She tried to remain calm, but she was also excited. She had started to worry that I was incapable of falling in love. That my first foray into the emotion was so wrought with complication tempered her excitement with sadness and caution. She wanted to leap up and hug me in joy and in comfort. A small knowing smile served as a welcome substitute.

I heard Carlisle processing, frozen in his calculations. Jasper was pained. Too many emotions. The angst was killing him. He'd tried three times to send out some sort of calming vibe, but they'd all dissipated among the veil of fear, loathing, and concern.

"How? Does love make it right for him to endanger all of us?" Rosalie seethed. "This cannot end well. We need to get the hell out of here and hope no one ever connects us. This is the Volturi we're talking about!"

No one verbalized, but I could hear the competing sentiments battling it out in their minds. They understood my position, but they weren't immune to Rosalie's argument either. The voice that broke the silent arguing surprised me.

"Rose, would you go if it were me?" Emmett asked softly.

"It's not the same. He doesn't have a clue what love is," Rosalie cracked. That put me over the edge.

"The hell it I don't!" I roared.

Jasper stood up from his spot on the couch. "I'm sorry. I can't be here right now."

No parting glances or words of encouragement. He was just gone. Alice was immobilized. Torn between wanting to support me and needing to follow Jasper. And I became aware that for each of them, their support for me was running up against the biggest, most indestructible wall of all—their love for each other, as a family, but as romantic partners especially. They were lucky. For them, lover and family resulted in the same outcome. Run and hide. Protect yourself.

I didn't have it so easy. Lines were clearly drawn in my battle. Which "us" to choose? My family? My love? A love I shouldn't want and most definitely didn't deserve. A love that had pushed me away. A love I had failed.

And I knew at that moment there were no decisions left to be made. I had no choice where she was concerned. I looked at each of the faces in the room, hoping it wouldn't be the last time I saw them.

"I'll find a way to keep you all out of it," I pledged.

And I made my way to the front door with the voices of my family shouting at me, though no one said a word.

"_Don't go."_

"_Serves you right if something happens, idiot." _But she couldn't hide the other images that flooded her psyche.

I blinked them away and the other voices hit me.

"_I'll miss you."_

"_Be careful, man."_

"_Edward, I wish there were more we could do."_

I had to tune them out. All of them. I had digging to do. A lot of digging.

**E/N: I am starting this one by thanking hmonster4 (who I am missing loads this week) and staceygirl/jackbauer (Are you reading Good Enough? It definitely is).**

**They assure me that you will see Bella's motivations and the flip here. Please tell me you caught what Bella is doing and why. **

**Stupid, stupid, Edward. I know, but the good news, I think is that we're up to present time in EPOV's. In the next chapter starts with him on the plane. **

**Go find her, Edward!**

**Now, I adore all of your reviews to no end. I love the theories and even just the enthusiasm you all have. I need to know that you all saw where she is headed with this, so please hit the little button and tell me you don't hate Bella now. Or Edward for that matter. Poor tortured souls.**


	19. Falling down the stairs

**I don't own the characters.**

**Chapter 12: After this I should think nothing of falling down stairs**

**EPOV**

The flight was uneventful and went by surprisingly fast. Lost in the words Bella left behind, I realized too soon I had done little to prepare my strategy.

I had absolutely no plan, no idea how I should proceed.

The sad reality was I didn't think it mattered anyway. Strategy or no I didn't have much hope that this would end well. I didn't even know what I expected to happen. Honestly, I didn't think it was likely she was still alive, but if she were, I wanted the chance to try, to tell her how I felt, no matter the consequences. And if my suspicions were accurate, if she was already dead. Well, then, I was in the right place.

I would either leave with her, or I wouldn't leave at all.

The landing was smooth, and being in first class allowed me to avoid the pushing and shoving of the economy passengers as they tried to beat the rush to baggage claim. I only had my laptop bag so I avoided that scene as well.

I hit the rental car counter and asked for the fastest car they had.

So many ways to speed my impending doom.

The best I could do without having pre-arranged was a Mercedes convertible. They charged me an insane amount, but I didn't even try to argue. She wasn't the best or the fastest, but she was sleek and sexy, and she would be a fine last ride if it came to that. When I slid into the seat, I inhaled her history and let her memories mingle with mine. It was appropriate that she was a Mercedes I suppose, given Rosalie's attraction to the manufacturer—sleek and sexy, just like Rose wanted people to see her. I could map my entire life by the cars I'd owned. I knew my relationships with women had paralleled my car fetish. I liked being needed. Anyone would think that's what I was doing now. Playing the white knight to the damsel in distress. They would be looking at a skewed story though because I was the one in distress. I was the one who needed saving, and only she could do it.

I'd flown overnight which meant I had to hole myself up in a nearby hotel while I waited for the sun to set. Arriving at night would make my arrival both easier to hide and infinitely more difficult at the same time. If I had ease of movement through the town, so did they.

My phone buzzed more than once, and I ignored it. There was nothing anyone could say. My mind was made up. I'd said my goodbyes. It didn't serve any good to let the emotions continue to simmer.

More time. More fucking time. I was so unbelievably sick of time. Of waiting. Of wanting.

I felt like a race horse at the starting gate. The instant the sun set, I was off. The streets were narrow and winding, inhibiting my ability to pass cars going half my speed.

I wasn't nervous about the first phase. Getting in to Volterra was easy. Getting out was the part I assumed would be impossible.

The wall around the city made it difficult to see before you were almost in it, but I'd seen the soft glow from far enough away to know something was there long before I heard any of the sounds a city shutting down for the night.

I drove through the open gates and slowed to accommodate the tight cobblestone roads. I felt as if I could touch buildings on either side right from the car.

I didn't drive far; I didn't need to. I had a hunch it wouldn't much matter where I parked.

I turned off the engine, and stepped out of the car. I shut the door, but my hand stayed in contact with the Mercedes, dragging along the metal as I walked forward. I hesitated when I got to the end of the car. There was no going back now. I flattened my palm on her to feel the heat from the cooling engine. I listened to subtle wheezes and whistles from under the hood. I exhaled for no reason. I had always loved the way cars talked to me.

It was time though.

I picked up my pace, listening for voices. The night was still, and there were only scatterings of people. A couple kissing in an alley. A man avoiding his wife by imbibing too much. A few Canadian tourists who appeared lost.

They had no fear, and there was no cause for it. Of all cities where you could be caught unawares at night, Volterra was a good choice. At the very least, they were safe from vampires hunting them in this city. Should they choose to leave the city walls, however . . . well that was a different story.

Before long the narrow street opened up into a plaza. A contradiction of shapes met me, highlighted by the fact that they were the only illuminated elements in the area. In the middle of the square plaza sat a very large round fountain, with pink tinted water spraying out in arcs. It reminded me of diluted blood, but I doubt it had the effect on humans. It was juxtaposed by a tall rectangular clock tower. The whole thing was aesthetically stunning. This was Italy. This was strolling. This was lovers. It was also incredibly ironic. The beauty you could see was far eclipsed by the ugly hiding within.

I walked clockwise around the fountain, watching for movement out of the corner of my eye. Listening.

It didn't take long. They were quiet, but I still heard them. I made no movement to indicate I was aware of their presence until they flanked me.

"it's a lovely night for stroll," I stated casually.

"Welcome to Volterra," a male voice answered. "We would like to offer you our hospitality."

"Or something like that," the other added menacingly.

"Felix," the first man warned in a low voice.

Their thoughts were only of the task in front of them. Vampires in the Volturi guard almost always equaled a threat, but it was never their decision to make.

"Yes, I believe you may be able to assist me. I seek an audience with Aro, Marcus, and Caius." Having Carlisle's inside information would help me some, but it would only take me so far.

They blindfolded me, not knowing I could see where we were going through their minds' eyes.

Weaving through streets and down alleys, they did all they could to confuse my sense of direction. They gave each other signals as to which of the entry points into the underground city they wished to use.

In the end, Felix removed what appeared to be a sewer great, and jumped down. I hadn't learned his partner's name until he called out, "Send him down, Demetri."

And before I was ready, he pushed me.

A long tunnel, a more inviting corridor, a welcome area staffed by a human, and a large stone door all passed by me on the way to what I would describe as an antechamber. This was where my blindfold was removed.

"Greetings," a man who was nearly translucent with long black hair approached me—his eyes locked on mine. "I don't believe we've ever had your pleasure. You have such interesting eyes. I've only seen that color one other time." He paused. "Forgive me. Introductions first. I'm Aro, and these are my brothers Marcus and Caius. " He motioned back toward the met sitting behind them. He returned his gaze forward and asked, "And you are?"

"Edward," I replied without hesitation. But then I waited a beat. "Cullen."

Aro raised his eyebrow. "Cullen. As in Carlisle Cullen?"

I nodded. I took the opportunity to assess the room. Six vampires hovered about us. Felix and Demetri, of course. Two child like vampires leaned against a second exit. And sitting in ornate chairs were two more. I recognized them from Carlisle's painting immediately. Marcus and Caius. Everyone's thoughts were cautious. I couldn't figure out why Aro hadn't asked to touch me yet. I knew that would give him all the information he needed, but I could hear him playing out various strategies.

"interesting. I have missed my old friend Carlisle very much. Is he in Italy as well?" He processed the idea that I used Carlisle's last name. His curiosity growing by the second.

I shook my head.

"That is most unfortunate. We would love to have seen him again. Wouldn't we?" He turned to the chairs where Marcus gave a slight nod and Caius looked away in disinterest.

"So you are one of Carlisle's coven then? We have heard of its growth over the years. Up to what, seven now?"

"Yes, we have seven in our family."

His eyes went side at my word choice and one of the little ones by the door huffed.

"And you all share Carlisle's unusual philosophy then?"

"We do."

"Fascinating. Amazing really that you are able to maintain such a large coven."

"Is it? Your guard is quite large is it not?"

He chuckled. "Yes, but things are different here." I knew that already as well. Maybe it was the fact that they herded rather than hunted; maybe it was the balance of power, maybe it was that these were some of the most highly evolved vampires you would find in terms of special skills, but aggression was rarely a problem here. As Aro contemplated the difference, I was struck that if he were human, he would resemble a serial killer—his desire to collect, to keep his trophies close bore a strong resemblance to the men I'd hunted so many years ago.

"I suppose they are. But certainly, our coven is doing well."

"And it's true you still pass as humans?"

"It is."

Mentally, the others were intrigued to learn of the veracity of the rumors they'd heard. The Volturi kept tabs on various covens over the years, fearing attempts to revolt. So they all had heard of us. Caius indicated particular concern over our alignment with the Denali coven. He apparently had been warning Aro for years that we should not be allowed to live in close proximity to each other. The potential for a 12 member coven was dangerous.

"Well then, to what do we owe your visit to Volterra?"

"I believe you have something I want."

"Really? That is intriguing young Cullen, as it is usually the other way around."

"A woman has gone missing. A human woman."

One corner of Aro's mouth turned up in surprise. "Many human women go missing daily, and while I admit we are responsible for a number of those disappearances, I'm not sure I'm seeing a connection now."

"This human woman was writing a blog . .. about vampires."

"Ah," his face lit up in recognition. "The bloodsucking one?"

I said nothing, but tilted my head in resigned acknowledgment. Her face flashed through the minds of Felix and Demetri. Felix, in particular began to imagine biting into her. I nearly reached out to pull an arm off of each of them. It took everything I had not to growl.

"We all got quite a kick out of that one. She's gone missing you say? Hmm, that's most unfortunate. But why do you think we had interest in her?"

This was the tricky part. I had promised to keep my family out of this. So I couldn't indicate that Alice warned us of their arrival.

Demetri's thoughts shifted. I saw him stalking her apartment. My ability to remain calm and controlled was fading fast. My hope diminished quickly.

"Are you going to deny that Demetri visited her apartment?"

I heard another squeak from near the entrance.

"Jane, please control yourself," Aro warned, and the tiny girl's eyes narrowed. Caius's interest piqued, and he leaned forward in his chair. Marcus remained stoic, unassuming. "Fair enough, no I won't deny it."

"Then where is she?" I growled through gritted teeth.

"I'm afraid, young Cullen, that I do not know, but I am quite curious now as to why it is so important to you."

I stumbled my way through an explanation. Trying to keep the emphasis off how important she was to me.

"Do you mean to say you are the 'first vampire' of whom she spoke often?" Caius interjected.

"I am."

"You are the cause of all this?" Caius huffed. "Aro, he should be immediately destroyed for such an infraction."

"What infraction was that?"

"The most egregious one."

"I assume then that you know of my ability?" Aro asked.

I nodded in agreement. "I do."

"May I?" he asked reaching his hand out as if to shake it.

"Of course," I knew resisting was futile. "However, I should warn you in advance that I too possess an ability, not all that dissimilar from you own. It may complicate things for you."

"Go on."

"I can hear the thoughts of others, not to the extent you can. I only hear the passing thoughts of others, though I do not need to touch them to hear. Everyone in the room tensed up and their thoughts immediately focused on what they might have revealed to me already.

"What a convenient skill," Aro stated with longing.

"I suppose; not as impressive as your own, certainly."

"Oh but to be able to hear from a distance. . . ."

"Yes, well, I'm not sure how this works, but I am wondering if you would be bombarded with more thoughts than you are used to in this case. Could it overwhelm you in some way?"

"I believe I'll take my chances." I didn't really believe he could resist.

His hand was cold, even to me. Despite his years, nothing about his touch indicated his strength. His touch felt like the hand of the death. I had wondered if this would feel as if something were being sucked from my brain, but I was oddly without affect. The same was not true for Aro. He'd closed his eyes the moment his fingers met my hand. Suddenly his eyes were wide open, and his body shook, almost as if he were seizing. I had no way of knowing if this were a typical reaction for him until I both heard and saw the reactions from others.

He seemed unable to pull away. I reacted quickly when I realized the others were closing in ready to do damage if they had to in order to pull me away.

I merely had to back away, out of his reach, and he collapsed to the ground.

"What did you do?" Caius demanded, and I barely had time to react before I was hit with the most intense pain I had ever felt. I doubled over and even that wasn't enough. I writhed on the ground. I wanted to escape my own body. I don't know if I screamed or begged. It was not like the burning of the change though the intensity was similar. The burn had radiated out where this seemed to be penetrating me. Digging through nonexistent organs. Slashing my skin.

I vaguely heard a weak voice call out. "Enough, Jane."

There were muffled protests and the sounds of shuffling feet, but it wasn't long before the pain ended. I lay on the ground still in a fetal position. Aro sat next to me on the floor, looking about like I felt.

I couldn't move yet. But I knew I was surrounded. I only caught the glimpse of the tiny girl in the corner as she smirked at me.

"I apologize, young Cullen," Aro started. "But the others seemed to think you had done something to me purposefully. They were merely concerned for my safety."

I said nothing.

"That was . . . intense . . . for lack of a better word."

The room was quiet. I didn't want any more thoughts. I tried to tune them out, but I could hear Aro loud and clear as he contemplated all he had learned. I knew I'd failed in my endeavor to keep my family out of this, but I had to have hope that it would somehow be okay.

"I never thought I'd meet someone with as much control as Carlisle, but that was impressive," he stood up slowly, with his onlookers at the ready. "You see, this human he seeks is his singer."

Eyes shot to me.

"Yes, and there is more. He was friendly with her and rather intimate as well."

Marcus cleared his through, "Intimate? With his singer? And she lived?"

"So it would seem," grumbled Cauis. "Perhaps it would have been better for all of us had she not. I don't see how it matters whether he was the original informant or not. He is responsible for too much trouble and should be dealt with accordingly."

"Hmm, well I'm not sure I agree, brother. Edward is rather interesting, and he has given me some food for thought about ways we might also enhance the guard." A Vision of Alice swept through is mind, and I cringed. "Tut tut, there is time for that," he said dismissively.

"Edward, you believed she was here, did you not?"

"Yes," I responded.

"Then you do not know who her contact is?"

"No. I only know what you all have read."

"We have also been following the blog for a while. And probably should have stepped in sooner, however, we were hoping that we could let it go a bit longer in order to draw out some more information on her contacts. Someone like you for example. And here you are."

"We sent Demetri for her recently, but she was gone by the time he got there. He tried to track her, but for the first time, he came up cold. We were all completely shocked, but now that I've read your mind, I realize it makes more sense," He looked to the others and continued, "Bella was inaccessible to Edward as well. It's a shame she's likely dead. I wonder what her gifts would have been."

I shook my head lightly. Death, vampire, guard. Too many things I had no desire to consider.

"What if she's not dead?"

"You don't assume her contact has finally finished with her?" Caius posed.

"Who do you think the contact is?" I asked.

"I feel we can be candid with you, given the circumstances. We have a theory that there may be quiet workings to undermine the important work of our guard. We aren't entirely sure who the instigator is, or where the base is contained. Could be one of our known enemies like the Romanians, or perhaps, we have no done enough to squelch the group in Mexico, led by a Maria? You know more about her than I apparently. Whoever it is has been exceptionally thorough in covering his or her tracks.

"So you think this person was working against you? Feeding information to Bella?"

"We do. It was particularly clear when she wrote about the changing process, don't you think? They wanted to start an uprising."

Fuck. I was wrong. How had I missed it? Maybe it was Alice's vision that had thrown me off. I threw it all away. I knew I had little hope, but I was going to make an effort.

"I think I should leave now."

"Where do you intend to go?" Aro asked.

"Home."

"Home? Not to look for the girl?" Marcus questioned.

"She's probably dead, as you said."

"Probably but perhaps not," Aro said calculating.

"She cannot be allowed to live." Cauis demanded.

"Certainly not. But if by some chance she were found, there may be other options for her. Frankly Caius, with the threat that we are facing, we may be able to use Edward here quite well. It may be our luck that he came to us first. Why don't we send him to seek her, and if he finds her, he should bring her to us?"

"Just like that?" Jane whined. "He gets to go?"

"No of course not, dear one. We'll send Demetri and Felix. He could use a tracker and some muscle with him."

Felix's thoughts turned to Russian, a language I spoke but only at a basic level. It seemed he was listing his favorite foods. Demetri on the other hand was thinking of soccer matches. My eyes narrowed in uncertainty. They were trying to hide something.

"You will take our jet. I'm afraid none of us would do well on a long flight with such crowded conditions. We grow accustomed to some, like our Darling Gianna, but some temptations are just too difficult to handle. Which reminds me, you should probably feed before you go. I believe Heidi brought back a rather nice selection earlier. Please help yourselves. And Edward, you're more than welcome . . .

"Thank you but I'm fine," I interrupted.

"As you wish."

An hour later, we were leaving the city for a private hanger on the outskirts of town.

It wasn't until the plane had taken off that Felix and Demetri started to relax their thoughts. The images that came overwhelmed me.

"You both know I can hear your thoughts right?"

Felix looked at Demetri, and a slow grin spread across his face.

Demetri turned to me. "We were kind of counting on it."

**E/N: Oh no! a cliffie! I would apologize, but it just felt right to me. **

**Thanks to hmonster4 (happily back on the continent) for beta work and staceygirl/jackbauer and daisy3853 for a pre-read.**

**I appreciate all of you who have been sticking with the story waiting for present time. We're here. Bella's blogs will still go in reverse chronology. I love every review I get. You are one thoughtful bunch of readers!**

**So, he went to Volterra. Where is Bella? And what is going on with Felix and Demetri? How does this chapter impact what you think is coming? **


	20. Bella's Blog Oct 10, 2008

**Not my characters**

**Bella's Bloodsucking Blog**

**Oct. 10th****, 2008**

I have had an absolutely craptastic week. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I guess I'll break the bad news to you first. I lost my vampire contact. I have absolutely no idea where he is or what happened. We were supposed to get together last week, and he didn't show up. I tried to call him countless times, and I've emailed, but there's been no response. I'm worried that I said something to piss him off, but it doesn't seem like him not tell me. He's approved everything I wrote about. I've been pretty upset about the whole thing, for lots of reasons.

My natural inclination is always to assume I did something stupid to push him away, and then I just get mad at myself even if I don't know what I did. I'm also ticked off that I can't do the blog I was hoping for this week because we planned to cover some new information which means I feel like I'm letting all of you down, and of course I'm mad at myself for that.

My ex-boyfriend called too. That's always good for a round of Bella sucks. He likes to remind me of the five billion ways I which I failed him. I think maybe he expects the guilt trip will somehow make me feel sorry for him and go running back to him, so that we could once again play the game of "Bella pretends …" It seems I'm always pretending for someone's sake. It's a fill in the blank game. Bella pretends you aren't a vampire or a werewolf. Bella pretends to function as a human being. Bella pretends not to love you or to be madly in love with you, whichever you prefer. Fun game. Except no one wins, so it's endless. And I've yet to figure out whether it's a game of skill, strategy, or luck.

I'm not sure if the ex is reading this; he said he couldn't look at it anymore because it upset him too much. He thinks this is all a really big mistake. I know there are some risks here, but I really think that there is hope too. There's so much misunderstanding; how can the truth be such a bad thing. If you're reading, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.

Speaking of guilt trips, BOTH parents called to try to require my presence at Thanksgiving. You would almost think they coordinated this lovely tug of war if it weren't for the fact that they haven't actually talked TO each other In about fifteen years. I think I'm going to make sure I'm working the day before and the day after so it's impossible to go; that way I don't have to pick between them. That never turns out well.

To cheer myself up, I watched a few of my favorite vampire movies. That's always good for a me giggle. Popular culture has consistently fueled myth after myth. I wish I knew exactly how some of them started. Wouldn't it be great to go back in history to be a fly on the wall when they first decided to put a cape on Dracula or to hear how they decided vampires turned into bats?

Don't get me wrong, I know the actually history that led to the rumors. Please don't send me links. I promise I'm well read on the subject. Regardless, at some point people decided to use these symbols to represent vampires. People created the image that we hold today.

The first time I met my contact I asked him to show me his fangs, and he laughed at me. He opened his mouth and told me not to be deceived. They might not have points, but they were sharp as hell. I was shocked. How could vampires not have fangs? Everyone knows they have to have fangs; it's one of the things that defines them. Slowly I learned about all the other myths, and now I think it's all pretty funny.

This is making me sad now. I miss him. I just wish he'd call me back.

Have I ever told about how we became friends? I don't think so. He never said I couldn't, but I just never did. I was too busy with the other stories.

I think I said something once about how I used to hang out in dark alleys. Well that was true. After I broke up with the ex, I really started to focus on finding more about vampires. That's when I did all the reading of the history, the pop culture, the "real life" accounts, etc. And then I thought, well, if I were a vampire, where would I be? I know you are all shaking your heads and saying, "What kind of crazy pill did she take?" It's true; I was probably stupid. Okay, I know I was. I have a tendency to get worked up and go off half cocked.

Anyway, it was pure luck that I met him because he wasn't the kind of vampire to hang out in dark alleys. He was looking for someone too. His story is quite sad actually. He was only turned a few years ago, and he doesn't remember anything about how or why it happened. He only remembers the face of the vampire who turned him. That's who he was looking for. He wanted answers.

I can't imagine what that would be like. To wake up a vampire and have no clue what you are? To not remember who you were? The only reason he has a name is because he was carrying his human wallet. He'd gone to the address on it. He had no idea of course that newborn vampires have so little control. After all, he didn't know that he was one. He killed his human family almost instantly. In the aftermath, flashes of memories caused him to look around the room He saw his own face in many of the pictures, and realization hit him like a whack to the back of the head.

It absolutely traumatized him. I can't imagine. I mean who could really. There was just no way to make sense of it. He had a good feeling he knew what he was after that, but it was confusing even to him. He wasn't willing to label it, but he knew what kinds of creatures drank blood. He tried to kill himself by walking in the sun, sticking his head in holy water at a local church, and driving a stake in his heart, but it didn't work.

He ran away. He hid. He vowed never to be around people again. He eventually learned to drink from animals. He ran into other vampires so he learned what he knew from them. He knew he was different and chose not to associate with anyone else. I think maybe he saw loneliness as a type of penance. Eventually, he found he could handle being around humans again, and he started searching for the last face he remembered before feeling this horrible burning. He thought he could put together pieces of his past, to understand why he'd been turned. If nothing else, it was something to distract him from the endless guilt and shame.

Since I knew what to look for, I spotted him a mile away. No one else would have noticed him. He was just a little too perfect—too still or something. The eyes were the dead giveaway. That same color as my first vampire. At time, I didn't even know there was another option.

I walked straight up to him, and he ran away. I foolishly thought they were kind of like animals that way. Like if you approach too fast you scare them away. I guess it was for him, but that wasn't really typical of vampires. He came back though. His curiosity got the best of him too.

We worked through what we knew together, and that's really how I've come to give you all the information I had. But I'm all out now.

I'm back to the beginning again. As upset as I am that he's not calling, I'm also a little worried. He's been through so much. I hate to think of him out there entirely alone. I just wish I knew he was okay.

I'll keep trying though. I promise.

Happy Hunting!

**E/N: E's reactions had come while he was on the plane to Italy. We're in present time now, so while we still have blogs, he won't be reacting to them unless the he's reading one in the present time frame simultaneously. But the blogs will continue to come in reverse order, giving snippets of what led her where she is.**

**Speaking of which . . . big question will be approached in the next chapter. Where is Bella? Stay tuned . . . next EPOV is chocked full of info.**

**I wrote a little one shot for the "For the Love of Jasper" challenge. Link is in my profile. Feel free to check it out. The wonderful hmonster4 wrote an Emmett/Rose novella so check out her profile as well.**

**Have I mentioned lately that you are the best reviewers around. I'm consistently amazed by your depth and perceptiveness. I appreciate you all so much. Thanks for continuing to read and review. Thanks in advance for hitting the button.**


	21. Curioser and Curioser

**These characters are not mine.**

_Chapter 13: Curioser and Curioser _

_EPOV_

"I would appreciate it if you would clarify what I'm seeing." The images and ideas snaking through their consciousness didn't make sense in relation to what I'd just witnessed.

"Edward, how much do you know about the Volturi and the guard?" Felix asked. The plane was a comfortable size for three people, and we were able to space ourselves so we could see each other without feeling too close.

"I suppose I know as much as anyone else, which isn't much. Carlisle didn't talk much about his time there, and the guard was very different then anyway." Carlisle had always been tight lipped on the subject, and it was one of the few sources of conflict between us. We never understood how a lack of information about our so called government could be a good thing, but he claimed he simply preferred not to think about that time. I'd always had a hunch that he came very close to caving and joining them.

"But you are aware of how the guard has been formed?" he continued.

"By invitation?" I proposed, and Felix raised an eyebrow.

"Try again," Demetri added with a huff.

"Persuasion?" I suggested, thinking of how Carlisle said they used many methods to convince him to stay.

"Perhaps coercion is a better word choice," Demetri snorted. "There are only a select few of us who choose to remain inVolturi. You met two of them tonight. They are a powerful lot those two, but thanks to you, for the first time, we see a way for many of us to get out from it."

"You mean members of the guard don't want to be there?" I was floored. This was news. In all our travels, everyone had assumed the Volturi guard carried their membership cards proudly.

"You could say that," Demetri responded cryptically.

We didn't know a lot about the guard, so we didn't really have any feelings one way or another about them. We had always figured if you followed the rules, you didn't have to think about them. We knew their job was sometimes ugly, something akin to trash collectors I suppose. It had been easier to accept the idea when I believed that they chose the life. I wasn't ready to let go of the sentiment.

"But why? Aren't there certain luxuries to being a member of the guard?" I had to admit when I was hunting humans, a part of me always wondered if it might not be a worthy aspiration. My family was different. We had each other, I suppose. But for most vampires, what was there to aspire to than a so called elite guard?

"Yes and no. As members of the guard, we live a comfortable life. We want for no material items. We are never thirsty. Unless we are being punished for an infraction, that is. But there are other limitations. We rarely, if ever, hunt, and it makes us lethargic in a way. What is it to be a vampire if you are unable to hunt? We are like caged birds I suppose," Felix explained.

"I think many would argue you do a different kind of hunting now," I murmured.

"Doing the bidding of three old idiots is not the same as the thrill of the chase or the joy of the attraction," Demetri pointed out.

I contemplated the idea. While our hunting methods were certainly not the same, I could definitely understand the argument. It wasn't a difficult concept to grasp. Wasn't there a greater sense of satisfaction in an outcome when you'd put effort in to the process? Why did Rosalie and I choose to rework our own cars rather than send them out to shop? Why did Esme maintain meticulous gardens when she could have the world's best landscaper? I didn't have to look too far into the human world to how modern conveniences had led to a sense of entitlement and apathy. I didn't embrace many aspects of vampirism, but seeking elusive prey, knowing that I was equipped to take on a beast with my bare hands, was the purest satisfaction I'd known. That was until I'd felt what it was to be inside Bella.

"Can the mind reader really not see what we are? We are trophies, Edward. Possessions." Demetri's tone was something between resolve and disappointment. The statement distracted them both, and it was as if they were no longer on the plane with me. I recalled my assessment of Aro, the collector, and I knew that was an accurate statement. My silence was affirmation and an opportunity. A chance for them to reflect.

Demetri drifted first. He remembered his years prior to joining the guard. He was a tracker, probably the best around. He'd always operated alone. His recruitment into the guard was not unwelcome, though he'd never planned for his enlistment to be eternal. Joining the Volturi had appealed to him in large part because of the opportunity to be a part of something. It was the one element of his humanity that he missed. But now he tracked because he was told to. He sought nothing because it was his own desire.

Felix's story came more slowly, probably because it was more personal. His mind wandered back to a woman, his mate. She was tall and dark, as he was, but from a Slovakian background. She'd been the one to turn him. He remembered the look in her eyes when she forced herself away from his neck; she'd instantly run far away and didn't return until he lay writing in pain, burning from the inside out. She assumed he'd died, not understanding that the bite itself would cause the transformation. She tried to drop him off at a hospital, and they put him in a tub full of ice assuming he had some sort of fever. She kept an eye on him, floating in at night undetected. By happenstance, she was there when his heart stopped. She was about to run screaming for help when his eyes flew open, and she knew exactly what happened. He drained a nurse before she was able to get him out of the hospital.

Communication may have been slower back in that time, but news of the Volturi's one rule always seemed to find its way into the nooks and crannies of the dark vampire world. With its relatively small area, Europe had more vampires per square mile than anywhere else. Still, they all managed to steer as clear of each other as they could.

Felix and his matehad been together fifty years when he was called to service by the Volturi. He'd never understood exactly why they wanted him. With Aro's predilection for special gifts, he didn't seem to fit, except that he was a good fighter and intimidating as hell. He hadn't wanted to be separated from his mate, but they held her over his head. Threatening to kill her if he didn't join them. So, he had to leave. They kept him too busy to visit. There were no cell phones, and all mail was monitored. Messengers were rarely trustworthy. The last time he talked to her was the day he left for Volterra.

Five years later, she walked into broad daylight in the Piazzo dei Priori in the center of the city. They sentenced her to destruction instantly. They toyed with making him be the one to do it. He begged, but they showed no mercy. If he had resented his time before, each day after he choked on his loathing toward the three masters.

Fear held them all captive. They'd seen innocent covens destroyed for no less than talking negatively about a Volturi decision. They'd witnessed attempted uprisings that always failed.

Over time, Felix's emotions shifted between anger with is former mate for giving up hope to a deep desire for some kind of revenge. Today, he seemed to be somewhere in between. He wanted his freedom; he wanted order; and he wanted justice. The form of those things changed constantly.

"You see, I may agree with the need for peace among vampires, but I will never agree with their methods of maintaining it," he said quietly, responding to an unspoken conversation between us.

I remained confused. While I understood why they wanted out, I wasn't sure how I fit in with their plans.

"Why me? Why now?" I questioned.

"You brought us the one thing we hadn't had in a long time, Edward," Demetri stated.

"What's that?"

"Possibility. Hope. Things can change even in our world."

And it was laid out in front of me. It wasn't me, exactly, but my connections and my timing. The Volturri really believed there was something brewing out there; someone was feeding Bella information, and they weren't happy about it. When the members of the guard went out beyond the walls, part of their duty was to open their eyes and ears to any news regarding potential uprisings.

Everyone knew of the Cullens but hadn't learned the specific nature of our gifts. They were also aware of our relationship to the Denali coven. Felix and Demetri believed that with my help, they build enough support to find freedom.

"Wait a minute. I just want to find Bella. I have no intention of fighting against them," I announced.

"Do you have a choice?" Felix's tone was hard to read, but I could almost sense a bit empathy. He was used to having no choices himself.

"Unless you plan to join the guard . . . do you really think Aro intends to let that gift of yours go? Did he not covet you?" Demetri questioned.

"No I don't suppose he will. But I'm still confused. I thought they offered invitations. I know that Eleazar was able to leave, and he has a very valuable gift." Carlisle had left as well, though he was never really a member of the guard, and they'd assumed he would likely die of starvation eventually. Eleazar, though could sense others' gifts. If what Felix and Demetri said was true, I couldn't imagine Aro just letting a gift like that walk out of the city.

"That's a mystery we've been unable to crack, Edward," Felix admitted. "His example is not typical. And 'invitation' is really a euphemism."

I tried to think about what I knew of Eleazar, and I realized that he, too, had shared little of his experiences in the Volturi guard. When he'd explained it, all he'd said was that he knew he couldn't live without Carmen, and he had been willing to do whatever was necessary to be with her.

"So, is it just the two of you then who are working together?"

"Yes . . . and no," Demetri answered. "We haven't openly discussed this in the guard, but we have a pretty good idea given our long history about who is truly loyal. As Aro said, though, we are well aware of certain factions forming across both continents in the last year or so."

"The past year?" I repeated.

"Give or take," Demetri answered.

I raised an eyebrow. The timing seemed too coincidental.

Felix nodded.

"We're pretty sure there's more than one group involved, but we think someone is working to coordinate them. It seems pretty likely your human got mixed up with one of them."

"Who are these groups?"

They looked at each other, clearly assessing how much information they wanted to give me. They must have known that I'd inevitably get the information. They weren't skilled enough at blocking their minds.

Ultimately, I decided it didn't matter. Only one question did.

"Do you think there's a chance she's still alive?" I'd been so sure it was the Volturi who had her; I'd been convinced myself she was likely dead. Now, the options were endless.

Demetri thought about his experience tracking her again. He'd been incredibly frustrated, never having an experience where he could not find someone before. He'd gone to her apartment hoping to pick up something that would lead him toward her, but it never came. He'd relied on his gift so long he wasn't used to using his actual senses to track others. He tried using her scent though. He followed her for a while outside of Seattle, but it was as if her trail just went dead.

He looked at me with furrowed brow. "Is it true that you can't read her mind?"

"Yes," I hesitated. Aro had given away that piece of information, but I wasn't ready to trust them entirely yet, so I left out how Alice could see her future at times, though that wasn't without difficulty either. She'd gone years without a single vision of her, and then only a couple, but both long after she'd left Forks.

It was fortuitous timing. I was momentarily fixated on everything Bella had been doing in the years between my leaving Forks and her disappearance when Demetri's memory flashed a familiar tree lined highway heading out of Seattle. It was the trail he'd followed.

Suddenly, the light bulb went off. The bell dinged. The crystal became clear.

"So you had her scent but then out of the blue it went cold?" I asked tentatively.

Demetri nodded. "Sort of; it was like she was there, nice scent by the way, and then it was gone. I think it was probably covered up by some awful animal smell I came across in the woods. I have no idea how you tolerate drinking from those creatures."

"You didn't follow it?"

"No," he answered incredulously. "Why would I follow an animal?"

I smiled. My first genuine smile in months, maybe years.

I wasn't being fair. I didn't tell them right then that I had a good feeling Bella was alive, and I was pretty certain I knew where she was.

There were still so many things that didn't add up, and I wanted more information first. "How have you hidden your talks from Aro?"

"You know, Aro is a calculating man, but he is also trusting unless you give him a reason not to. We never have. Though he likes to populate his guard with members who have gifts, he doesn't over use his own. His has always respected a degree of privacy. It's been years since he's asked to touch me," Felix stated.

"But if things get complicated . . ."

Felix took a deep breath. "I've been complacent far too long, Edward. I don't know what I was afraid of, but I'm not anymore. I won't go back. If things get 'complicated' as you say, then they can destroy me."

I looked to Demetri, who was completely unfazed by the admission. "And you?"

"No one can track me. I'm not worried."

The ease with which they spoke sparked something. My emotions had been in a constant state of flux since the moment I saw Bella again. It should have been a welcome change from the frozen tundra of self despair I'd lived so long. But the confusion was unnerving. It came roiling to a head. I looked at them and could feel nothing but anger.

"Well . . . fuck you both. You could have left at any time. Felix, you could have done something for which punishment would mean being destroyed. But you waited until now? Until it involved me? My Family? Bella? And you think I'm just going to willingly go along with your plan? Not that you actually have a plan, which is shit by the way. Did you really drag me into this with no idea what to do? With no more information than what you've already given me? Who the hell do you think you are?"

I stood to pace the cabin. It wasn't a large plane, but there was just enough room for me to stretch my legs.

They let me move, rant, rage; they said nothing. They knew I was stuck, and it wasn't really their fault to begin to with. It had been my own stupidity that led me to Volturi. Who was I kidding? The ignorance of my decision making went back much farther than that.

If I'd only had the balls to stay with Bella in the first place, to risk what I thought was everything. Funny how what seemed so complicated then now looked liked the simplest thing I could have done. Stayed. Loved her. Let the things progress naturally.

I finally sat back down, and let my head fall into my hands.

"This has been a lot to take in, hasn't it?" Felix asked tentatively.

I took a breath and let it out. It was loud, and it carried as much of my frustration as I could blow into it. I nearly laughed from the release of pressure. I tried to think of something snarky to say, but I had nothing. "You could say that."

"I hope, in time, you'll see that it wasn't just an out for us, but for you too. There's not much hope for you or for the ones you love while those three still have power," he added.

I kept taking cleansing breaths, trying to maintain some sense of calm. Biologically, they had no effect, but there was something psychologically soothing about the act. "Fine, so what happens when we land? What exactly are we dealing with, and what do we plan to do about it?"

Demetri smiled.

"I think you just. . . what's that expression. . .hit the nail on the head. We needed to know that there is a 'we.' If not, then well, there's no saying what could happen."

I had a few guesses about what might happen if I didn't go with their plan. If they were serious about not going back, about taking the risk, it would mean I was on my own against the Volturi with limited information and contacts. If they weren't, then I imagined we would find Bella; they would destroy me; and deliver her to Aro, claiming I had put up some kind of fight which forced them to act.

It didn't matter which way their intentions leaned. It was all bad news for me.

"And if I'm in?"

"Then we have work to do. Some people to visit. We know who some of the players are, but the puppet masters have been more elusive. We also don't know exactly how widespread their support is. Whoever is coordinating things must be powerful. I can't imagine the different groups of vampires working together for very long, so the window of opportunity has to be shrinking."

"What's the end goal exactly? Once you know who all these players are, then what?"

"It depends on how many and how skilled they are," Demetri answered. He leaned in. Strategy was something he was comfortable discussing. "We're hoping to have enough that the guard will simply stand down; we think there are plenty who would. The only real threat they've faced was that group in Mexico. Aro mentioned Maria back there, and it seemed like you already know about her. But theirs was more of a physical threat. We need to match them on strategy and powers as well."

"What if you're wrong? What if they don't back off?"

"You know the answer, Edward."

"War?" I asked, though it wasn't really a question.

Neither of them answered in words, but their thoughts showed they'd considered every option. No path was easy, no solution without sacrifice. For years, I'd faced sets of horrible choices with no good outcomes, and here I was again. And now even more people were going to be impacted by whatever decision I made, for good or for bad.

It really was too much for one day. There were moments where the sanest option seemed to be to jump out the plane and swim as far away as possible.

In spite of everything though, I had moments of calm. There was so much I didn't know; the future was entirely uncertain, but I had one thing. I had hope.

I would see her again.

**E/N: So, we know what Felix and Demetri are up to. We know where Edward thinks Bella is again. There are still plenty of questions, but the path is unfolding.**

**Do you trust Felix and Demetri? Do you think Edward is right? And who could this ring leader be?**

**I haven't offered one in a while, but I'll serve up a teaser for you on this one in exchange for hitting the little button and telling me what you think. I have to know what you think of these two and the possibility that Bella is in La Push. **

**Please check out the Support Stacie Auctions. There are lots of fabulous authors offering up their services for your winning bid. My beloved hmonster4 has 2 options for you including a DD outtake and an Emmett special. http://www (dot) majiksfanfic (dot) com (slash) phpbb (slash)viewforum (dot) php?f=115**


	22. Tea Time

**Not my characters**

**Chapter 14: Tea Time**

**EPOV**

I had a multitude of problems.

It was my fault. It always was. What had seemed so logical yesterday I now realized was beyond foolhardy. How could I run off to Italy without any confirmation that Bella was there? To have promised my family I would keep them out of this when I'd probably done the exact opposite, ensuring they would have no choice but to jump into this hole with me. I couldn't ensure a soft landing to anyone who might make the jump. I still hadn't figured out how deep the hole was. It might never end.

In fact, even trying to assess my options or to figure out which problem was my greatest reminded me of the complexity of the rabbit hole. Lewis Carroll's Alice might have ended up in an imaginary world, but I felt more like Peter Rabbit. The hole was small and constricting. Once in, the directions were endless. It would be easy to forget what you were searching for in the first place. If you happened to come upon a way out, you would be excited to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, but chances are it was a trap. You would pop up in a fenced yard with angry dogs. You wouldn't know they were there, so you might get out and explore, searching for a garden. Only when you'd gone too far from the safety of the hole would the dogs came barking and snapping. You would run as fast as you could, all the time noting the irony that the hole you desperately wanted to escape was now the safest place you could go.

If I trusted what I'd learned from Felix and Demetri, there was civil unrest in the vampire world. Aro had mentioned it too, so I was inclined to believe them. It was exactly the kind of thing Carlisle spent years trying to avoid. If we'd merely heard about it through the grapevine, we would have slipped away quietly to someplace remote like the island Carlisle bought Esme. No one would bother us there.

In a brief moment of weakness, I allowed myself the luxury of fantasy. The beauty. The simplicity. The ability to hide. We were well equipped to do it. We would have had no problems letting everyone else fight it out. News would travel. We would know when it was safe to show our faces in the metaphoric daylight again.

Oddly though, each time I put myself on that island, something was wrong. We all should have been happy to swim, to take turns heading off to the mainland or nearby islands to hunt. We should been pleased to enjoy the freedom from pretending to be high school students.

Funny thing about the word "pretend." One definition is "to make believe." Most of us think of make believe as a fantasy, but if you think of the term as an action, if I pretend, I am trying to make you believe something. Or myself.

After a while, just for curiosity's sake, I added a member to the island. She couldn't be there as a human; I knew that was impossible. Too many vampires in too small a space. So I pulled in that old image of her standing beside me as an equal. Her eyes flamed and her skin sparkled. I thought back to my earlier fears. Would I still want her? Would her being like me take away what had fundamentally drawn me to her? The answer now was easier.

No.

I would always want her.

If it came down to it though, could I change her? I didn't know if it was worth it for me to contemplate that question. I doubted our reunion would be happy one. There was too much bad blood between us, pardon the expression.

If I could just pull up her number and hear her voice, it would all be so much easier. Of course, if I had a way to do that, then I wouldn't have gone to Italy in the first place. I had found a cell phone bill when I went through her apartment, but I got a recorded message from the provider instead of Bella's voice. The phone was no longer in service. If she was with the wolves, contacting her wasn't any easier.

Jake hadn't returned any of my attempts to call him before, and I doubted things would be different now, especially if he was trying to protect her. That was going to make any approach on La Push even more of a challenge. I would have to try to contact him again.

I still wanted to believe I was capable of handling something without my family's help.

Unfortunately, wanting didn't make it happen. I was not and never had been as self sufficient as I fooled myself to believe. Given all of the constraints of situation, I had to admit my failures. I wanted to wait until we were on the ground. Something about having the conversation in this cooped up space was overwhelming. It was all psychological though. I knew walking a few feet away from Felix and Demetri when we landed wasn't going to afford me any more privacy than I had in this fuselage.

In the end, I decided they deserved as much of a head's up as I could give them.

"Edward," Carlisle answered. His voice was thick with concern. "We've been waiting for any news."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't able to call sooner. There were too many complications."

"I'm so relieved to know you're alive. Alice said it was true, but we know things can change."

"Yes, well, it may have been better for you if I weren't."

He took a deep breath. "I will never believe that, son."

He rarely invoked the parental card. It was always a hard hit for me, one guaranteed to bruise on impact.

"I have created more trouble."

"No, Edward. It's not all your fault. You can't take all the blame here. We shouldn't have let you go off by yourself, but we didn't know for sure where you were going. Alice didn't get a lock until it was too late for us to make any difference."

"I appreciate the thought, but I wouldn't have wanted you to come. I didn't expect that I was going to make it out."

"I know, son. So, she wasn't there?

"No, what did Alice see?"

"She only got snippets. We knew you were in Italy and she got a flash of a meeting with the Volturi, but she didn't know exactly how you got from there to the plane she saw you on."

"It's a long story, and none of it is particularly good news."

I filled him in briefly, though I had to avoid any of my concern about trusting Felix and Demetri or the choice they had forced. I would live with that failure, but I preferred to suffer that burden in silence.

"That's the gist of it. I know I promised not to involve you all, but that seems unavoidable now. So, when we get there, we need help getting information quickly. I can't really waste any time coming to the house first."

"You won't need to. We'll be at the airport when you land."

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"Alice thought she had a lock on a time, so we took a shot. We didn't really know what condition you'd be in."

"You're all coming?"

"Yes, we thought it best. Alice doesn't see any trouble, but things can change."

"Carlisle," I said. But nothing else came out.

"We love you, Edward."

It was silent. "Thank you."

"If what you say is true, we'll need all of us, even more. I think you may be right that her contacts are the important links. Do these two guard members have any other ideas?"

"We haven't gotten that far yet."

"We'll talk more when you land then."

The fact still remained that I needed a plan. I needed to define a starting point. It all came back to trust. Would I be a fool to trust two members of the Volturi guard? If I didn't, what then? Both our lives were surely lost and Alice and Jasper would likely become easy replacements for Felix and Demetri. Carlisle said Alice didn't expect trouble. How far did that go?

There were seven of us and two of them. If I didn't trust them, we would destroy them.

Would Carlisle consent to that without more information? He had to know the entire guard would descend on us if we rebelled. We'd be unable to outrun or hide from that.

Perhaps we could contain them while we sought more information.

Given that I'd already brought my family into this, maybe containment was the best option.

Thinking about how involved my family was made me feel like even more of a failure, like I was heading back with my tail between my legs. No Bella, no kept promises, arms out begging for help. I had been such an incredible fool for so long; I just wanted a chance to do something right.

My biggest problem was that I only wanted to do one thing, what I intended to do all along, to tell Bella I loved her. But again . . . then what? Would she come with me? Did she still want me? Did she feel the same way about me? Could these two actually control themselves around her? I wasn't entirely sure she was where I thought she would be. If I was right, getting her away from La Push wouldn't be easy, and I wasn't convinced that I should yet. It pained me to admit it, but she was actually safer there than with me.

I knew it was completely illogical and probably risky, but I wanted to see her anyway.

I didn't think there was much chance that this could all end well for me, but I wanted to position the pieces in such a way that perhaps Bella and my family could walk away unscathed. Relatively anyway. That was really the only goal I could have in all of this.

I had to admit I had some sympathy toward Felix and Demetri. I didn't wish their plight on any of us. I was leaning more toward trusting them than not. Still, our purposes were not the same.

Being with a tracker was both a benefit and a serious complication. I wanted to find Bella, yet I wasn't granted the privacy to seek her out. Taking Felix and Demetri with me could prove disastrous. Then there was the whole issue of impending vampire wars and what would happen if and when I did find her. That was yet another set of problems. I didn't even know where to begin. The plane was quiet. Felix and Demetri seemed to understand my need for reflection. Felix spent his time thinking about his mate, and his memories were the happy ones. He was truly at peace with whatever might come. Demetri listened to music and sang along in his head. Thankfully, I didn't dislike his song choices.

They gave nothing away for awhile. How they gained this skill was beyond me; maybe it wasn't strategic at all. Maybe after so many years of being in the guard, they'd steeled themselves against any real thoughts or emotions. From what I could tell, they trusted no one, perhaps not even each other. They had no relationships outside of the guard, and the ones inside were tenuous at best. One of the guard members had the ability to influence relationships, to make people feel closer than they really were. I'd seen both Felix and Demetri reference her in their thoughts. For whatever reason, they'd felt her power over them waning in recent months.

"Have you decided if you trust us yet?" Felix interrupted my musing.

I laughed. It probably wasn't the most logical reaction, but it fit at that moment. "No."

"Smart man."

"And here I thought I was the mind reader."

Felix chuckled. "Where's your head now?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He rolled his eyes, and I paused trying to summarize my ideas. "I'm trying to figure out how there can possibly be any good ending to all of this."

"There's only one way."

"Knock out the Volturi?"

"Yes."

"But how can there be any guarantee that the successor would be any better?"

"I've been thinking a lot about that," Demetri chimed in. I hadn't even realized he was listening. "I think it's time to consider an alternative structure to our government. I guess maybe the better way to phrase that is we may actually need some structure."

"You mean like elections? Vampires are hardly democratic by nature."

"I don't know. Maybe. But instead of one group with all the power in Italy, there would be some benefit to have representation from across the continents, and it would be good to have information more readily available. There are few of our kind who would really want to see us take over the humans; we would need structure to maintain a quiet coexistence. But maybe there can be more interaction among us."

"It never worked in the past."

"Bullshit," Felix said. "Look at you. It's not just animal blood; it's free will. We have choices, and if we were taught what we were supposed to do instead of left to figure out who we are and why, we wouldn't have crazy newborns trying to control the world or running around making mistakes. What is the point of all the secrecy? I'm not saying most of us are going to carpool with the humans or anything, but could we be less aggressive toward each other? Could we have better systems in place for hunting? Yes."

"I don't know. I see where you're going, and I admit the logic is there, but it all seems so complicated. We are fundamentally at odds with our ethical and moral code; how can we work together? Plus, there's the matter of fighting the Volturi."

Demetri spoke with passion. "But it's not just us. We know there are others. And you have allies, too."

"My allies don't want a fight."

"They may have to now," Felix stated matter of factly.

"That's what I'm afraid of," I said. "So, I know I lost my cool for a minute earlier, but do you have a plan?"

"Sort of," admitted Felix.

"That doesn't inspire confidence."

"Well, you were the first part of the plan, so it's going well so far," Demetri joked.

"What's the second part? You must have a general direction if you've been gathering information for a while. Who do you think is behind this?"

"We know that the Romanians are involved. We've come across a few of their old allies in our travels. At first I was convinced they were behind it everything," Demetri continued.

"I've never met them; I've only heard the basic history."

"Then you know it wouldn't be the first time," Felix added.

I nodded. Everyone knew the Romanians were bitter about the Volturi's rise to power and wanted nothing more than to see them ousted. They had always viewed their reign as superior. Over the years, they had tried to form numerous rebellions, but they always feel short.

Felix's thoughts were on the Romanians as well. "The thing is they aren't really leaders. That's why they lost power in the first place. They like to wait for everyone else to act and then hop on board, so it seems more likely that they are along for the ride."

"What other options are there? Aro mentioned Maria." Given Jasper's history with her, I wasn't enthusiastic about her involvement.

Demetri nodded. "Yes, we've put some feelers out about her, and it's probably fair to assume she's got her hand in it somewhere too. Anyone instigating would be stupid not to contact her. She's had a lot of influence over the years, and she's a master of strategy. However, this all seems a little too sophisticated for her doesn't it? She's always been about aggression and blatant acts, and this is much more of a subtle infiltration."

"If it's so widespread, why didn't we hear about it sooner?"

"Have you had much contact with anyone?" Felix stated.

The question was rhetorical, but I thought about it, and we had been fairly isolated. Our only contact until Alice mentioned Peter and Charlotte's visit had been with the Denali coven, and they were just as isolated as we were.

"So where do we start?" I asked.

"Everyone believed your human was set up right?" Demetri suggested.

"Yes, I've believed that for a while now."

"How well do you know her blog?"

I laughed. "I'm pretty familiar."

"We need to break down the facts. Figure out all of the relevant details," Felix argued.

"That's what led me to Voltera in the first place. Maybe I'm too connected. Perhaps, you can see things from a different angle. She's admitted to two vampire contacts. One who she claims she met randomly and one who sought her out."

"The random one disappeared right?" Demetri asked.

"She lost contact with him, yes."

"Both male?" Felix questioned.

I had to think for a second, then nodded. She had always referred to her contacts as male.

"I think it's safe to assume the disappearance of one is connected to the appearance of the other," I acknowledged. "The first one was named Riley. Does that name ring a bell to either of you?"

They both shook their heads.

"Well from her writing, he didn't drink from humans. He actually seemed like a loner."

"It could have been an act."

I shrugged. It was possible.

"And the second contact?" Felix encouraged.

"He supplied her with information that he shouldn't have," I said. "They didn't meet in person as often. In fact, I didn't notice any vampire scent other than yours, Demetri."

"No," he nodded. "I would wager he was never in her apartment."

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Why couldn't these so called organizers have started their own blog with some fictional human? Why did they have to use and innocent woman for their cause? It made me infinitely less sympathetic toward them, but it came down to the simple fact that they wouldn't respect humans.

"So, it would seem if we figure out who _he_ is, we would have a big piece of the puzzle. How long do you think we have before they send more members of the guard? What's realistic?"

"Good question. If we could find your human, we could probably find the contact faster," Felix theorized.

I made sure not to give anything away in my facial expression.

"But they wouldn't expect us to take long; she's a human. We're . . . us," admitted Demetri.

"So, what's 'long?' A few days?" I asked.

"A week would be the most we can stretch it out before they get suspicious. Maybe two if we can justify it with some kind of evidence, but I'd say the sooner we can move, the better."

I nodded, but didn't say anything.

"You both understand that I am clearly at a disadvantage here, right? You hold all the cards. I have no choice but to trust you. I guess my only consolation is you're just as likely to be destroyed as I am should things turn sour, but still, I would like to request a favor."

Now it was Felix's turn to laugh. "That was certainly a unique way to ask."

"I want to find Bella on my own."

"You really think we're going to let you out of our sight?"

"I respect that, but I had to ask. I want to see her, but I need to keep her safe. I would like to involve her in all of this as little as possible. I may have a hunch about where she is but it's not some place even I would be welcome, let alone vampires who don't share my diet."

They were both confused. They exchanged a look with each other and then waited for me to continue.

"Have you both read the blog?"

"I did," Demetri stated. "But not until recently. I was trying to discover how I might have lost her."

"Then you know we are not the only super natural beings she encountered."

His eyes went wide, and he smacked his hand on his leg. "That obnoxious scent in the woods!"

"I think so," I agreed.

"Would you be willing to fill me in?" Felix asked.

"The werewolves, Felix. She's with the werewolves."

"I'm not absolutely positive, but it makes sense," I added.

"Well, we're not afraid of them. Who cares if we're not welcome," Demetri claimed.

"First of all, I don't know how many there are. While I never took much stock in their strength, if we are well outnumbered, it could be a struggle for us. Besides, my family has had a treaty with this pack for decades. We have a home in the area, and I do not want to do more to destroy this relationship than I've already done. Given the history, my showing up probably won't help the situation. I can't even guarantee Bella wants to see me. But the last thing we need is to fight them. And if it comes down to it, they may be the only place she can hide effectively."

"Is hiding her the best option? It might help our cause to have the girl with us," Demetri observed quietly. "Many of the others will have read her blog. They may have learned something from it. Honestly, I think there is a chance she could add credibility to our case."

"But why do we need it? They're already going to be on the attack," I argued.

"Everyone's motives are questionable. We don't know who is at the helm. We need all the help we can get," Felix suggested.

"All the more reason not to involve her." I was becoming increasingly more adamant about this. The more I thought about her being around human drinking vampires, the less I wanted her anywhere near this fight.

We continued to bat around ideas until we landed.

I had to prepare myself to walk down the stairs when the door opened. It was a private runway, but they were smart enough to wait out of eye shot of the pilot.

It was an interesting welcoming committee. Alice was at the helm. She stood in front, but Jasper was close enough to touch her. Carlisle flanked her other side. Emmett was standing next to the BMW. The door was open, and he leaned against it. I could just see a pair of shoes peaking out, and I deduced that Rosalie was sitting inside the car. Esme stood next to Mercedes. She smiled when she saw me, and I nodded toward her.

As much as I didn't want to have them involved, I'd never been happier to see them. Everyone took a moment to assess each other. Sensing no conflict, Alice, Jasper, and Carlise moved forward for introductions.

Tentative plans were set in motion almost instantly. I insisted on going to La Push first.

"Perhaps, I should go with you," Carlisle suggested. "Given your history, I might have more luck with the negotiations."

I knew he hadn't meant it as an insult, but he also worried that I would lose my temper if I saw Jake.

We hoped if that trip was a success, we'd have more information about Bella's vampire contacts. We still needed assistance, and the two places we planned to start were with the Denalis and Maria.

Jasper wasn't happy about it, but we decided to start by making phone calls, and if that didn't work, he wouldn't go in without support. In fact, the advantage we had was that no one would know Felix and Demetri were working against the Volturi. This meant we could use them as muscle against her.

The planning phase was short. We needed to act fast.

Time was as much an enemy as the Volturi themselves.

**E/N: And the Cullens return. It appears no one is overly suspicious of Felix and Demetri. Is that a mistake? Several of you mentioned Chelsea in the last chapter; what do you suppose is going on there? Next chapter is another blog, but after that, Edward is off to La Push. What do you think he will find there?**

**Thanks to all of you wonderful reviewers. I am infinitely grateful to know that you're all still interested in the story and finding out what the deal is with Bella. Updates are coming a little slower as life gets chaotic, but I'll make a deal. I'll keep writing if you keep reading and reviewing. **


	23. Bella's Blog Sept 8, 2008

**I don't own these characters. As always, remember the blogs go in reverse chronology. **

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_September 8, 2008_

Do you ever miss school? I guess I miss it twice a year. June and September. The end and the beginning. I can't say I ever really liked school. It was fine, I suppose. I was never the best or the worst student. When my mom went to parent/teacher conferences, they were always short because there wasn't much to say about me. You might describe me as extraordinarily average. I was always something of a social misfit. Of course, everyone says that. How many people do you know who say. "Yeah, I was really popular and enjoyed it?" I'm sure they're out there, but then they're probably miserable now. It seems to me if you loved high school, life must be a disappointment.

I had friends, but I didn't have a crowd if that makes sense. Growing up, my mom and I moved around enough that I didn't usually find a niche until it was time to move on. The closest I guess I came was when I moved to my dad's. As a new kid when I was little, people had always looked at me like leper; sometimes classmates literally sneered, but in the small town my dad lived in, people were so bored that they all wanted to be my friend. It was actually disconcerting at first. I didn't enjoy being the center of attention. When I went crazy, that changed, but still . . .

When I think back, my time with the werewolf pack was also sort of comfortable, for a while anyway. At least I had fond memories of it. I don't think I've been away from them long enough to reflect on it objectively yet. I know I was still an outsider with them. Culturally, biologically, and in the end ideologically, we were different. But for a brief time, I thought maybe I could blend in. I laughed more there than anywhere I can remember in my whole life. I don't blame them for wanting me out. They had to choose my ex when we broke up; they really don't want him talking to me anymore, and I understand that too. I still think they are all good people; they've just been conditioned to think one way, and I don't agree. It left us at an impasse.

Anyway, my love of the start of a school year has nothing to do with school itself; it's about fresh starts. I have been thinking I should start a new job every fall just to end the monotony that always settles in. In the beginning, you are trying to figure out the culture of the place—who is the asshole, the bitch, the kiss up, the dork, all in hopes of finding the one relatively normal person. I'm usually the loner, by the way. I don't mind it. Honestly, I've been embracing it more and more. Ultimately, how can a woman who encounters vampires and werewolves be anything but? I'm not sad about it, but it's really difficult to talk about boyfriends and babies and concerts and celebrities when you're wondering what it would feel like to have a vampire's fangs sink into your skin.

I've read several books where they describe it as a sharp sting that eventually becomes pleasurable. Huh. Sound like something else you know?

Of course, that was before I discovered vampires don't have fangs. I wasn't really pleased with that realization. Fangs were comforting I guess. Don't you get the image in your head like needle pricks that would only let out a slow trickle of blood at a time? The dual puncture wounds seem so containable. The idea of a full on bite with all teeth, it's more barbaric to me. I have a hard time believing that kind of sharp sting being as all consuming as popular culture would have us believe.

Yes, there is a point to all of this. This was a very long lead in to the topic of feeding. Vampire feeding that is. My contact and I have talked about this on several occasions. We've had to piece some things together based on what he knows and what I've learned. Common mythology says that vampires drink human blood and may take small amounts at a time. In most movies and books, it is considered a highly sexualized act, akin to seduction.

From what we've put together, it's not like that. Feeding is completely instinctual, and something primal seems to take over for most vampires. Apparently, once you pop, you can't stop so to speak. So those pretty little puncture wounds? Walking around hiding your scar with a turtleneck? Not happening. Vampire feeds on you. You _die_. This raises a serious question then, about how one becomes a vampire since it's clearly NOT a "get bitten three times" type of thing. My contact is either unwilling to share or uncertain about the process himself. Anyway, this subject has been completely off limits.

But here's the deal. Vampires do not have to drink from humans. Apparently, they can be sustained by animal blood. The call of human blood is greater, and it makes one feel stronger, but it is possible to be fairly well satisfied on animal blood. My contact thinks it's probably rare for most vampires to try it because well . . . why would they? They're vampires. He had a traumatic experience and eventually he sort of fell into what he considers a less barbaric lifestyle. He didn't want to prey on humans because he didn't see himself as that different from us. When he discovered animal blood would keep him alive, he made the choice to continue on that path.

I am now convinced that my first vampire and those he referred to as family also drank from animals. Based on everything I've learned, I can't believe they could handle being so close to humans if they fed from them. Plus, there was no rash of missing or dead people in the area, and I absolutely would have known about that. Finally, my current contact says there is something that changes in the eyes, but he didn't to go into any more detail. He is giving out information at such a slow trickle. It's driving me nuts, but I'm also grateful for anything I can get. Anyway, his eyes are very similar to my first vampire's. In color anyway. You know how they say eyes are the window. Well, they are both very different souls. Good souls I believe, just different.

I wish I knew more about the feeding process, particularly in relationship to whether people can become vampires, but unfortunately, that remains a mystery. I'm learning a ton though and still trying to put all the pieces together. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to talk with an actual vampire, especially after my time with the werewolves. I almost started to believe all the conditioning that said they were all evil, murdering creatures. That's obviously not true. Maybe more vampires than not drink from animals. Maybe those who do feed from humans could be taught. Or maybe they could drink donated blood or something.

Anyway, I'm so hopeful that we can have a more productive relationship. I get excited about the possibility. It feels new, like the start of the school year. The possibilities are endless.

So until next time, Happy Hunting!

**E/N: Getting more background on where Bella's head was at with all of this. **

**We saw the return of the Cullens last chapter, who do you think we see in the next one? Things are going to start happening pretty fast now. They are very worried about time.**

**Thanks to H as always! And I love all of you who are sticking with the story. We're moving forward now, so you get the rewards. **


	24. Directed in the Right Direction

**A/N: I do not own these characters.**

**Chapter 15: Directed in the Right Direction**

**EPOV**

Carlisle drove. He wasn't opposed to some speed, but he never embraced velocity like the rest of us. I tapped my foot on the floor board half wondering if I could have run faster than he could drive.

"Edward, please don't put a hole in the floor board. We can still have some respect for human laws."

I chuckled. "You really think a speeding ticket matters much at this point?"

"Of course not, but I also think you might need some time to think about what you're heading into."

"I've done little else today, Carlisle. I'm done thinking. Hell, thinking is about all I ever do, and look where that got me."

"Edward, I know you want to move fast, but don't forget, we don't know if she's there, and they might not tell us if she is."

"I know that." We would cross that bridge when it came. Everyone else was staying in Port Angeles while we headed to Forks. In the end, we had to vote. Rosalie, Felix, and Demetri argued that our home in the woods was a good base of operations, and while I didn't disagree, Carlisle pointed out how overwhelming it would be to the wolves if nine vampires suddenly returned, especially when two were unknown entities. Given the circumstances, they might not be thinking of the treaty in the same way anymore. We didn't need to wage war with the Volturi and the wolves at the same time. We were still hopeful that there might be some peaceful compromise which would allow us to make use of the house again. It was large and well situated for privacy in planning.

Rosalie was already giving me the cold shoulder, but losing the vote pissed her off. She was skulking. Even Emmett was having a hard time being around her. To his credit, he never openly disagreed with her, but he knew she was being unreasonable. I loved Rosalie, but I had no idea how he dealt with her as a mate.

"When was the last time you tried calling Jacob Black?" Carlisle asked.

"Just before we left the hotel."

"You called his cell?"

"Yes."

"We should try information for Billy Black's phone number. Perhaps we'll have better luck with his father. If she's with them, it's possible they're patrolling the treaty line, and we can gain access that way, but crossing the line is an absolute last resort."

"If it comes to that, I go in. They can punish me."

"Let's just not let it get that far." He was quiet for a moment, and I didn't feel the need to respond. "Edward, I assume you've thought about what you will do if she is there?"

He tried to hide is thoughts, but I caught the flashing images of my turning Bella.

"Carlisle, of course I've considered every option, and it has certainly crossed my mind that one way to protect her at this point is to change her, but it's not exactly simple is it? First of all, it's a clear break of treaty which would mean we lose the house, and who knows what other ramifications there are with the wolves. Second, taking a newborn into this situation would only add more stress."

"But that's not the real reason is it?"

"How could I do it?"

"You have the control," he said.

"I don't mean that. I mean. How could I do that to her? Think of the regret you felt, even though each of us were dying when you changed us. Now, try to imagine living with it when it's not a last second decision?"

"My regret has never been for saving your life; it has been for causing you so much pain. I have been grateful for all the years of knowing you. I wouldn't trade them for anything."

"But you wonder what it all means too."

"That I do. Maybe . . . maybe it's something Bella will have to decide for herself."

I huffed. "If she's there, and if she's willing to talk to me." She had already indicated in her blog that she was not interested in becoming one of us. Plus, there was no guarantee she would have anything to do with me. It was stupid to imagine forever with her, when I didn't even know if I'd get five minutes.

I called information and got the Black residence phone number while we passed through town. Cell service was sketchy at the house. Carlisle called and left a simple message, and our only option was to wait.

Being in the house was odd. In the grand scheme of things, only a handful of years had passed since I'd been here, but in many ways they had been the longest years of my life. The furniture was covered, and a layer of dust coated all the surfaces. It felt infinitely larger and less welcoming without Esme humming in the garden or Emmett swearing at a video game. Thankfully, the wait was short because Carlisle and I found it increasingly difficult to talk without disagreement. It would never become a fight, but the tension was thick.

I was able to hear the conversation as it played out.

"Thank you for returning my call. As I said, we are concerned for the safety of the Swan girl, and we are wondering if she is with you."

"Are you planning to stick around?" Billy Black asked gruffly, ignoring Carlisle's greeting.

"We aren't entirely certain what the future holds. That's something we would like the opportunity to discuss with you. It would be best if we could meet face to face." In part, that was for my benefit. I could certainly gain more information through their thoughts, which would make lying impossible.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. Things around here have just been calming down. I think we'd all prefer it if you'd just pack your bags and stay away."

"I don't know if we can do that right now, Billy. Our world is experiencing some potentially dramatic changes. Again, we would like to keep you abreast of what's happening as it could impact you as well. Bella Swan is somewhat central to all of this, and it behooves us all to find her as quickly as possible in order to minimize the potential impact on everyone."

"Carlisle, I've always respected you, even if I don't like your kind. I can't promise you a meeting. No one here will be happy to hear you're back."

Carlisle had expected it, but he had a flash of disappointment. He had worked so hard to build a reputation in that community, and a part of him hoped that our model citizenry had some affect even on the tribe.

"I wouldn't ask if it weren't important," he urged.

"I believe you," Billy responded.

I was getting anxious. I wanted him to get to the most important question. He was so methodical in his approach.

"Is she there?" he finally questioned.

Billy paused longer than people usually did. It was the kind of pause that let you know he was having trouble deciding how much to reveal. If we had been in the same room, I think the internal monologue would have been almost painful for me to listen to. Finally, with a sigh, he answered. "No . . . not now."

"She was then?"

"Yes."

"How recently?"

"Not long."

It was as if my heart had started working again.

"Billy, is she okay?"

There was another pause. "I think so. I hope so. She's with Jake."

I wanted to pull the phone from Carlisle's hand to begin lobbing questions, but he must have sensed my impatience because he gave me a strong warning glance.

"You don't know where they are?"

"Not at the moment. Things got . . . crazy when he brought her here. Lots of ill will toward that girl and her blog. She didn't paint Jake in the best light either, and folks were pretty upset with both of them. He took a pretty hard stand with them—said she was a human, and it was their job to protect her, but Sam and most of the others figured she'd made a different kind of bed than most humans, and she didn't really deserve their protection anymore. There was a significant amount of infighting, and Jake decided to get her away from here."

"I wasn't aware he could do that." Carlisle was so damn calm. I was on fire. Bella was here. Recently, and now she wasn't. I was faced with both an overwhelming sense of relief and a complete inability to believe that I had missed her. What if I'd thought to come here first? How would the outcome have been different? I didn't have time to let myself fantasize about the what ifs.

From years past, Carlisle knew the wolves functioned as a true pack, and the alpha male had some power over the rest.

"Neither was anyone else. "

"So he and Bella left together?"

"Along with Seth and Leah Clearwater. You probably didn't know them, and they didn't begin shifting until after you moved. Anyway, Seth agreed with Jake, and Leah, well I have some ideas why she left, but no one knows for sure."

I didn't care about the details of why or how. I just wanted the specifics of their current location.

"Where are they?" Carlisle seemed to get to my questions immediately after I thought them, as if he were reading my mind instead of the other way around.

"Your guess is as good as mine. Once they broke from the pack, they could no longer share thoughts, and Jake has yet to check in with me."

"I'm sorry, Billy. That must be very difficult." Carlisle's reaction was genuine; he looked to me, and I knew he was considering the times I'd been out of touch.

"I'm sure they're okay. Jake can take care of himself." But could he take care of Bella too?

"Do you have any hunches?" Carlisle asked.

"Look, even if I had ideas, I've already told you more than the others would want. If Jake calls, I can tell him you're looking for him, but that's about it."

"I can respect that. We would still very much appreciate the opportunity to discuss recent happenings in our world with your pack and to explain our current plans. I know you said it would be difficult to arrange. If nothing else, perhaps, you and Sam could me with my son and me."

"Which son?"

"Edward is here with me."

"Uh, I don't know about that."

"We recognize that his relationship with Bella was probably not welcome, but I assure you he comes only with good intentions."

Billy took a deep breath, and I could hear him scratch his head on the line. . "I'll talk to Sam. How can I reach you?"

Carlisle gave him both our cell numbers, and we were left to wait . . . again.

"Do you think you should try again?" Carlisle asked me after he'd hung up. He was thinking about Jacob Black. I was wondering the same thing, but I didn't see how it mattered. "Perhaps you might approach your request differently now."

He gave me a wink. I didn't want to laugh, but I couldn't help it. He was right. I'd demanded; I'd yelled; I given ultimatums. I hadn't actually asked. Carlisle though Jacob might be slightly overwhelmed. He might not have expected to be out on his own with a broken pack. As much as I didn't have warm fuzzy feelings for the boy, Carlisle's perspective seemed worth a try.

I gave a single nod, and made my way to my room. I wouldn't really have privacy, but it was a refuge. A place where I felt comfortable, at home.

It was incredibly difficult to construct a conciliatory message in which I apologized for my earlier messages, briefly explained what we knew, and asked if he would consider calling me back. "And your dad is worried about you," I added.

And once more, I hung up the phone to wait.

Carlisle used my phone to call Esme, so he could keep his line open in case Billy called. Apparently, everyone was getting along as well as could be expected. Emotions were all over the place. I could only imagine the discussions. Felix, Demetri, and Jasper were strategists. They wouldn't go into a situation lightly. Emmett and Rosalie were more impetuous, and I imagined they were on opposite sides of the issue here with Emmett wanting to go gangbusters and Rosalie wanting to run and hide. Esme was likely playing the mediator, while Alice desperately tried to force visions that would help with decision making.

Esme talked with Tanya. They needed to do their own thinking before deciding how much they wanted to be involved, and they wanted to know what the specific plan was. I had a feeling that was going to be the case quite often.

I still believed we needed to speak with Eleazar. I couldn't exactly put my finger on it, but something about his being able to leave struck me as important. Demetri and Felix agreed. Eleazar and Carmen were out at the time, so they were waiting for a call back.

More waiting. It was the last thing we needed.

Though I'm sure it was excruciating for him, Carlisle read a book. He must have realized in the big house, one man's every thought would echo. He attempted to engage in conversation a few times, but he eventually conceded that small talk was worthless. He sent me out hunting since it had been a few days, and we figured it would be best to be prepared. I stayed close to the house, and took little enjoyment in the experience. It was sustenance, not a gourmet meal.

The call that eventually came wasn't from Billy. It was Sam Uley, who Carlisle knew as the alpha male of the pack.

"Billy said you want to meet."

"We do."

"Do you remember where we met last time? Meet us there in a half an hour."

"Thank you."

Four of them showed up. It only took a minute to realize the rest were hovering well off in the distance. I left before any of them began shifting, so I didn't recognize them, but Carlisle was able to name them all.

"We appreciate you meeting with us, Sam," Carlisle began.

"You're looking for Bella, and she's not here, so what more do you want with us? Why can't you just stay away?" Sam replied.

"We are, but we also have a request." Carlisle remained calm.

"What could you possibly ask of us?"

"Billy may have mentioned some potential unrest in the vampire world. We have some significant planning to do, and we would like the opportunity to do so from our home here."

"You must have another house somewhere," Sam suggested.

"Several, of course, but this one is well located and equipped for our needs."

I assessed thoughts. Most were singular in focus. Hatred toward us. Disgust with the situation. Sam continued to keep them at bay. They wanted to attack, but we'd given them no reason.

"You don't really need our permission to move back into your house," Sam admitted.

"Well this is where it gets complicated. We would be working with others of our kind who do not share our lifestyle."

"No fucking way," one of the pack called out.

"Enough Paul," Sam warned. "You think we would agree to vampires hunting humans here?"

Carlisle was shocked by the suggestion. "Certainly not, we would have to create a reasonable boundary."

"You're asking too much, Dr. Cullen."

"I understand. I think though that you may find we have something to offer each other, and perhaps, our working here would allow you more access to important information. "

"What do you mean?"

"We know how important it is for you to protect humans, and you may want to know what is happening as we approach this endeavor."

"I don't really see why you can't just give us a call sometimes."

"Ultimately, no one has broken the treaty, and it is still our home. Technically, we can have friends over whenever we like, as we have in the past so long as no one breaks the treaty."

"Technically."

"We were only asking as a courtesy, and because we believe it is more beneficial to work together rather than apart."

"I guess you'll do whatever you want then."

"I suppose we will, but Sam, we have nothing but respect for you, and we do not want animosity between us."

"If you really meant that, you wouldn't have come back, and you'd keep your kind away from here. You've caused enough trouble."

"I'm sorry for the stress all of this has created for you."

"We don't need your sympathy."

"No, of course you don't."

"So," Sam said, looking at me. "What do you plan to do when you find Bella?"

I shook my head. "What makes you think . . ."

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist."

"There's no guarantee I will."

"Do you intend to turn her into one of you?"

I was taken aback by the question. While people had been dancing around the idea for a long time, no one had point blank asked me in light of all the changes.

"I . . . don't . . . think so. I don't know what the future holds."

"Just so you know, it would count as a bite, and it would break the treaty."

My mouth hung open, but I said nothing. I looked to Carlisle for assistance. He was pensive. "Just for clarification, and this is all hypothetical since we don't know where she is or what her intentions are, but even if she were to request it, you would not allow it?"

"That is correct. Our job is to protect, even against herself."

Carlisle nodded. "Well then, we'll remember that."

"Anything else?"

"It seems not."

"When can we expect the influx?"

"The family will be returning tonight."

"Welcome back," Sam said caustically. The others chuckled. "Don't forget, we're watching."

"We wouldn't dream of it."

"Hey," he motioned toward me again. "If you talk to Jake, tell him to get his ass back here."

With that they turned and stalked back into the woods.

I looked at Carlisle, and he shook his head as if to say 'not here.'

We made our way back to the house. "You really want to bring everyone here," I asked. "Why not one of the houses where the wolves aren't around to spy?"

"Edward, I know you don't trust them, and I admit they can be single minded, but we honestly don't know what we are facing. Many of those we're about to deal with hold an absolutely oppositional philosophy to humans. I can't help but think it would be a benefit to have the pack around. At the very least, we know we have one shared goal with them. They will fight to protect the humans. They may claim to have no interest in our issues, but I believe if push came to shove, they would react rationally."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. In my head, they were the antithesis of anything rational. They were ruled by emotion, so hot tempered and uncontrollable.

"Besides," Carlisle said, ignoring my outburst. "We're all comfortable here. It's one of our more remote and protected homes. The woods serve us well; we know them like the back of our hands, and the human population is less dense. I'm thinking of collateral damage."

"You've put all this together today?"

"I suppose I have."

"You amaze me, Carlisle."

"You would come to the same conclusion, but you're simply focused on finding Bella. You haven't been able to place yourself in any other scenario yet."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sure any of us would feel the same way."

"You must think I'm such a fool."

"On the contrary, Edward. I think you have made some decisions that turned out very badly, but you did them with good intentions. I am proud that you have learned to stand up for someone you love, even though the odds are . . . well . . . what they are." His expression indicated that he had more to say. So I waited for him to continue. "I only wish that I had known sooner the depth of your feelings toward her. I think we might have handled things differently. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and I'm afraid I didn't necessarily believe they could be as strong as they are."

"I love her."

"I know."

"I didn't realize until it was too late."

"It's never too late, son." I didn't believe him. It very well could be too late. For so many things, but it was worth mentioning.

"I'm still sorry."

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't feel remorse. Now, how about we call the others? I think we'd both be more relaxed if had some other voices around here."

I thought about it, and oddly, he was right. I'd had plenty of time listening to the echoes of my own mind. I'd longed for silence, and in the end, I found it wasn't what I wanted at all.

It was a relief when I heard the cars pulling into the driveway. Thoughts hit before voices, and they comforted me despite their tenor. Emmett and Alice were happy to be back in the familiar forest surrounding Forks. Jasper considered Maria's previous strategies and contemplated whether it fit anything in the current situation. Esme looked forward to having everyone under one roof but was consumed with worry. Rosalie surprised me. I expected her to begin lashing out at me as soon as she was within mind shot, but she was listening to music and singing along in her head. Her version of ignoring me.

Felix and Demetri were taking in surroundings, assessing the others. They were either exceptionally good at hiding thoughts, or there was nothing malicious about them. Malicious being a relative term. After all, they had both hunted that afternoon. Thankfully, neither of them dwelled on the details.

We spent the evening in active discussion, some heated, some thoughtful. Over the course of the next several hours, the torture of the wait was interrupted by two very important phone calls. The first was from Eleazar. He was on his way to Forks along with the rest of the Denali coven. Whatever he'd shared with them upon hearing our message convinced them all that they needed to be here.

We waited a different way then. More anticipatory. Excitement about their visit. Still waiting.

Around three a.m., my waiting ending. Nothing else mattered to me in that moment because I saw Jacob Black's phone number on my screen. I practically fumbled the phone answering. I never fumbled. I was a fucking vampire.

"Hello?" I answered tentatively, not entirely believing anything good was about to happen.

"Hey, Edward," Jacob replied. It was thicker than I'd remembered. The youthful confidence had mixed with the heavy ingredient of uncertainty and doubt. "I'm sorry I didn't call you back sooner. I wanted to believe I could do this all on my own. I thought I could be the great big hero and all that."

God did I understand that sentiment.

"Is she still with you? Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's sleeping. They're all sleeping." I heard him take a breath. What he said next came so quickly and quietly it was as if he never said it at all. "I think she needs you."

**E/N: And there you have it! Guess who's back next chapter? So will she be happy to see Edward? What's going to happen with the broken wolf pack? And what will Eleazar's story mean for everyone?**

**I've been swamped so my review replies haven't been as consistent, but I'll be happy to offer up a teaser with this chapter if you take the time to leave a review. I appreciate them so much.**


	25. Victims in Waiting

**I do not own these characters.**

**Chapter 16: Victims in Waiting**

**EPOV**

"I don't know how this happened. I mean I do, but it's crazy. One minute I was in my house, trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up and the next I was wandering the woods as a leader of a broken pack protecting a vampire loving girl who seems hell bent on getting herself killed." Jacob was weary. He sounded much older than I remembered, but also more vulnerable.

"Jacob, what happened?"

"The pack split."

"I know that. We've talked with them. I meant, how did Bella end up with you?"

I heard him exhale.

"She was scared. She still hasn't told me everything that went down, but you've read her blog; you know she was in with a real bloodsucker. Not like you I mean."

"It goes deeper than that, Jacob. Someone was using her. She hasn't spoken about it?"

"She's a mess. Pretty tight lipped about it all. I don't know what happened exactly. She called me, and I went. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but it sort of started World War Three at home."

"I'm confused. I thought you were upset with her too. She said you weren't reading her blog anymore."

"I wasn't, but well, it's Bella. Curiosity got the best of me. Anyway, I couldn't leave her with no one."

I wanted to bang my head against a wall, but Esme would have thrown a fit if I put a hole in the wall.

"I should have been there," I whispered.

"She told me she made you leave."

"I shouldn't have listened."

"Yeah, I have that problem with her too."

"It's all more complicated than you know, Jacob."

"Yeah I kind of figured that out from your messages."

"Thanks for calling."

"I didn't want to," he said with resignation.

"I know."

"Will you come? It's not going to be pretty. Bella knew you'd been calling, and she didn't want me to contact you, and well, you haven't met Leah have you?"

I wasn't actually expecting an invitation, so it took me a second to process it. Once I realized I really had the chance to see her again, nothing else mattered. Even if she wanted nothing to do with me, even if she tried to drive a stake in my heart literally or figuratively, I was going.

In a house of vampires , there would be no sneaking out in the middle of the night. When I clicked the end button, I was almost afraid to leave my room, knowing everyone was fully aware of the conversation I'd just had. My portion of it at least.

"Edward," I looked up to see Rosalie standing in the doorway. "May I come in?"

Her tone was cool but not emotionless; I just couldn't identify exactly which emotion was lurking under the surface. I did not have time for a conversation, but I couldn't' shake the feeling I owed Rosalie something.

I inclined my head in invitation, and she walked in quietly.

I despised the idea of what we were, but vampires were truly amazing creatures. Our strengths were dichotomous. As solid, strong, and heavy as we were, we could glide and float with the greatest grace. Rosalie appeared absolutely regal when she walked. In part, it was her stature before she changed. She's always carried herself with a composed confidence which was easily confused for conceit. I knew better. Better than anyone actually. Underneath that façade, she was no more put together than any of us.

"You better love her," she warned.

"I do," I vowed.

"I mean really love her. "

"I know."

"_I'm scared, Edward," _she thought. She didn't choose this life, but she had more to love in this one than she had when she was human.

"Me too," I answered out loud. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen, and I have no idea what comes next. Right now though, the thing that scares me the most is that I won't be able to protect her, and you will all be brought into this for nothing."

"_I'm mad at you, you know."_ Even in her head, her tone didn't reveal the anger she claimed to have.

"You should be."

"_The family will never be the same, no matter what happens, and that's your fault_."

"I'm sorry, Rosalie. I don't know what else to say. I will do what I can to protect you all. I know that probably doesn't' mean anything right now. I just have to see her. After that, well, I don't know . . ." I trailed off not wanting to say out loud that I was sure I would no longer be a part of the family regardless.

She rolled her eyes at me. _"The problem is. I can't help but be proud of you too. You've been so stupid, but you deserve love too."_

"I wish it were that easy."

"With you, Edward. It's always complicated." She reached over and grabbed my hand. I smiled. I knew a lot more was said in that conversation than anyone else would understand. I didn't want to waste time talking when I had a mission to fulfill, but having Rosalie not brooding in anger had to be a benefit.

It wasn't long before everyone congregated in the living room, and I was arguing my case to make this a solo trip. Emmett and Esme had been out hunting and returned just as the discussion was getting heated.

"Could it be a trap?" Demetri asked. "Do you trust these animals?" He tone was laden with disgust.

"I was wondering the same thing," Rosalie added. She held no love for the werewolves, but her voice reflected more concern. "Anyone could be controlling this. Maybe they are trying to separate us. You don't even know for sure she's there."

"It's not a trap," Alice interjected. "Trust me."

"You're not infallible, Alice," Rosalie argued.

"No, of course things can change, but my vision indicates to no danger."

"What do you see?" Felix questioned.

"It's personal." Alice smiled at me. "I think you should get going, Edward."

"Who's going with him?" Demetri demanded.

"No one," I insisted. "I need to do this on my own."

"You're going to walk into a pack of wolves by yourself?"

I shrugged. "I think it's actually safer than if I bring anyone else."

"He should definitely be alone," Alice added.

"Listen, I have no idea what's coming, but you all know I'll return. I have to talk to Bella, and I need to see what information I can get from her. But I'm also trying to figure out where she is safest at the moment, and it may be here."

"You want to bring wolves here?" Emmett asked and then laughed. "Classic."

"_And you think you have no heart," _Esme thought. I shook my head slightly at her.

"I don't know what's going to happen, but since it's just the three of them and Bella, I don't see how I can leave them out there on their own. I'll touch base after I've had a chance to talk with Jake more. I'll need to get going though if I'm going to get a chance to discuss strategy with him before Bella wakes up."

Felix looked at me with an odd expression. "We're trusting you," he thought.

"Huh, funny, I was thinking the same thing."

No one else tried to stop me; they knew it was pointless. No one else volunteered to accompany me again. I didn't know whether that was because it didn't seem like a pleasant job, they didn't' want to spend time with me, or they were in tune to the fact that I needed to do this on my own.

I ran. I spent so much time running away from Bella. I loved running like this better. Going forward. Free. Fast. Alone. I ran on instinct for the most part. They weren't that far away. I had to admit it had been a fairly wise move on Jacob's part. He must have assumed that if push came to shove the pack wouldn't leave him hanging out to dry. Whether he realized the other tactical benefit or not, I couldn't' say, but it was sometimes easier to hide practically in plain sight. After all, with such a distinctive scent, our kind might simply assume they were part of the original pack. Jacob had given me the basic coordinates, but I asked him to refrain from specifics until I got out of the house. I called him as I got closer, and he gave me some milestones to look for. Once I picked up the scent, the rest was easy.

It was around 4:30 when I got there. Still dark.

"Hey," Jacob greeted me. I swear the kid was even bigger than the last time I saw him. Except he wasn't really a kid anymore. He looked like he sounded. Older, weary. Whatever edge I remembered about him was gone. He was just a guy, one with whom I shared a number of problems, one of whom was a woman we both loved.

"Where are they?" I asked. I tried to listen for dreams, but I didn't hear anything. I could pick out the faint sounds of breathing, and then I honed in on it. The beating of three hearts. I knew which one was hers instantly.

"A little further. I met you on the perimeter of the camp. Thought I should prepare you first."

"For what?"

"I don't know how they're going to react," he admitted.

"You already mentioned that," I was anxious at this point. Too much talking, too much waiting. I

"Her either."

"I know."

"She's been unpredictable. I'm kind of worried about her." For the first time, it hit me. I knew he was concerned, but all of this was a total act of desperation. How had Jacob Black mustered enough courage to call me? The one person who stood between him and the woman he loved. His mind flashed images of Bella; I could feel his heartache and his eventual realization that he had to let her go.

"I'm not expecting a happily ever after, Jacob. But I appreciate this more than you can know. At the very least, I need to be honest with her, for once. I don't expect that I'm going to come out of all of this unscathed."

"No one will attack if I tell them not to."

"Except Bella."

"Yeah, except her." he kind of chuckled to himself. "Who'd have thought huh?"

"Anyway, I didn't mean tonight. I meant in general. Our world is about to be turned inside out. But the others must have known you were thinking of calling," I said motioning toward where I had ascertained they were sleeping.

"Yeah, they won't be surprised to see you here, but Leah's going to be pretty pissed off."

"Seth?"

"He goes with the flow; he'll trust me." He inhaled, and his eyes narrowed. "I'm kind of surprised you're here alone."

"Leap of faith," I shrugged.

"Is everyone," he waved his hand at me to indicate which 'everyone' he meant, "In Forks now?"

"Yeah, and more are coming. We're using the house there as a place of organization."

"Holy shit." He picked up a rock and threw it. I assumed it was a nervous habit. I remembered him doing that when we me the last time. "You met with the pack?"

"Yes, we met yesterday. They're not happy, but there wasn't much they could do. Carlisle seems to think it would be wise to keep them close. I think maybe you and he have something in common. You both think they will see reason if the time comes."

"You don't?"

I had to think about it. "They are very reactionary; I'm not sure what to think."

"I'm one of them. You think I'm reactionary?"

By nature, the werewolves struck me as emotional, knee jerk types. The whole concept of phasing was a volatile reaction after all. Something about Jacob didn't mesh with that impression.

"Bella seems to believe you are. Most of what I know, I've read in the blogs, but no, I don't think you are. Not the same way."

"They all think I'm stupid or crazy."

"You probably are. Hell, we both are. My family thinks the same thing."

We both laughed.

We spent the next hour talking about what we knew, which was limited. She remained tight lipped with him. The only thing he was sure of is that after I left her, something had happened to scare her enough to come to him. The three of them watched her closely because she began suggesting she'd made a mistake bringing them into it. That it would be better if she went off on her own. She had moments where she completely lost it; others where she was completely angry. Her emotions were all over the place, and it was wearing them all down.

"We can't stay here forever. I just don't know where else to go."

"You can come back with me."

"You're inviting a pack of werewolves designed to kill you to stay at your house? Like a slumber party?" He shook his head, but then his face contorted. "I don't know what's crazier, you asking or me thinking it might be the only option I have. Would she be safe there?"

I swallowed nonexistent saliva. It was a habit. Years of pretending to be human led us adopt certain mannerisms. They bought you time.

"I don't know if she's safe anywhere anymore. I thought maybe she was best here with you, but now I'm not so sure. "

"God, I want to be pissed at you. I had a moment where I thought, 'I could take him' when I realized you were here alone. I knew I had Seth and Leah to back me up."

"Why didn't you?"

"I don't know. I can't help but think you didn't mean for any of this to happen. I know why you left in the first place, and you had no idea she'd make such a mess of things. You made some stupid moves, but then so did she. So did I. I guess it's just human nature. Well, I mean. You know."

I gave a half smile. "Strange bedfellows, eh?"

Seth woke up first. He heard us talking. If I'd ever considered Jacob a kid, I hadn't had Seth to compare him too. He was big; they were all big, but he was the smallest among them. Clearly the youngest as well. Probably not even shaving yet.

He introduced himself with a handshake. "I'm glad you came. Maybe you can help her," he said looking back over his shoulder. "She's very scared. We keep trying to make her feel better, but . . ."

"It's okay, Seth. You are doing your best," Jacob patted Seth on the back to comfort him.

They both tried to prepare me for the reaction I was going to get from Leah. As expected she was bitter, but she reminded me a lot of Rosalie. It wasn't about me, per se. I could hear that in her thoughts; she was scared, and lashing out was her way of handling it. She hadn't left the pack because she was committed to helping a human. She was here to protect her brother and to get away from her ex fiancé. I thought about Rosalie again. The feeling of betrayal, the way it warped your perspective on what people wanted from you. I couldn't help it. Leah spat insults at me, and I smiled back. I had a feeling I would grow to like her.

Jacob and I filled them in while Leah scowled and Seth sat wide eyed listening to us talk. All four of us had impeccable hearing, but they weren't privy to the fact that she'd entered a new sleep stage. I knew she was close to waking, because I could hear her dreaming. It was nothing I recognized. Just random images. Until the end. Just before she woke up, she saw a face. With red eyes. Her own scream woke her up. I jumped up rapidly. Everyone was on their feet; their hearts were racing.

"It was a dream," I whispered to calm them, but Jacob had already taken off toward her.

"Things are about to get very interesting," Leah smiled. "She's not going to like this one bit. I've never seen a crazy girl go ape shit."

"Leah," Seth groaned.

"If I have to deal with his disgusting smell, I'm at least going to have fun with this." She sat down on a rock and waited, like a show was about to begin.

Seth shook his head, "Sorry," he said looking at me.

"Don't worry about it," I dismissed him quickly. My ears were trained on what was happening just out of eyeshot. I inched my way closer; I didn't need to close the distance to hear, but she was there. In an instant, I could be at her side, touching her cheek or kissing her lips.

Of course in that same moment she'd be screaming and pushing me away. I would have gone, but Jacob must have sensed me.

"_Not yet_," he warned. "_Let me tell her first_."

I heeded. To a point. I got just close enough that I caught a glimpse of her through the trees.

"_Stay the fuck back_," Jacob demanded. I stopped, though I hadn't actually intended to move any closer.

He comforted her, asked her about the dream. She shook her head, refused both to answer and to be calmed. I couldn't see her eyes, but a hint of her hand came into view. She was thin. Too thin. Her speech was almost incoherent as she ranted leaving her alone. She was tired. Too tired.

Jacob tried several times to interrupt her. "I have something . . ." he began. "You're not going to . . .," he continued. "I need to tell you . . .," he tried again.

In the end, there was no warning. She had begun to pace. I didn't move. Frozen in my spot. I just wanted her to know I was here. For better or worse, I was ready to face her again. I leaned slightly to see her expression. "Jake, you can't hold me prisoner anymore. You need to go back to the pack."

I could hear his frustration building. When she claimed he held her against her will, it made him angry. "Easy, Jacob," I whispered in a voice so low no human could hear it. He flicked his hand back toward me imperceptibly. Or so I thought. Bella had always been more perceptive than others. Her eyes followed his hand, and I tucked myself back away. She couldn't have seen or heard anything. It would have been impossible. Yet her eyes fixated on the tree right in front of me. She took several small steps toward where I stood.

Jacob, reached a hand out to block her. "You need to listen to me," he insisted.

She shook her head, and pushed his hand. The force didn't make a dent, but he pulled it back anyway.

She took a breath. "Edward," she said. It wasn't a question. There was almost no inflection to it. A declarative statement.

"How did you . . .?" Jacob questioned. She held her index finger up to her mouth and shot him a look filled with daggers. He stopped talking and stood there with his mouth hanging open

She didn't move. She planted herself in that spot. Legs spread a about hip distance apart. Fists clenched at her side. The situation was impossible. She didn't want me here. A war was brewing. Three wolves could overtake me at any second, but I only saw the girl I fell in love with. The spitfire.

"Well," she said calmly. "I'm waiting."

I made my feet move. I wanted to hide and watch her. I wanted to see her determined expression. The very one Jacob tried to tell me I stole from her. But I had promised honesty. No more waiting. It was painful to move so slowly, but I didn't want to scare her.

I didn't go too far, just out into the open where she could get a full look at me. I watched as a smile began to form on her face. I'd like to think I smiled back, but I may have been too shocked by the sight of her.

She began to move toward me, picking up speed as she narrowed the distance. I didn't move my gaze from her eyes. They were filled with so much emotion. People talk about peoples' eyes as reflective pools, but this was like muck. Dirty brown muck. That isn't to say her eyes were ugly, but you could see the mess that lay within, and I knew I was the cause of it all.

It was probably why I missed the right hook that connected with my jaw. I was stunned by the impact, not because it hurt but because whatever "it' was still manifested itself when our skin connected.

"FUCK!" Bella yelled, grabbing her right hand with her left. She fell to the ground and threw her head back. "Oh my god, it hurts," she cried rocking herself back and forth.

"Damn it, Bella!" Jacob interjected. "When are you going to keep your punches for humans?"

He tried to sit down next to her but she glared at him. "Stay the fuck away from me. How dare you!"

"Bella," he pleaded.

She looked away.

"Will you let me look at it?" Their eyes whipped to me. It was the first I'd spoken. I held my hands out like I was approaching a rabid dog. "It could be broken. I have medical training."

Bella laughed. She fucking laughed. "Oh but of course you do."

"Please?" I asked.

"No."

"Bella," Jacob begged again. "Just let him look."

"No," she insisted.

"Hey Bella?" Leah's voice called out. "Want me to come sit by you? I won't let him do anything but look at your hand."

It was all comical. Three wolves and a vampire, and we were treating the fragile human girl like she was the dangerous one.

Leah had a smirk on her face. She appreciated the feistier side of Bella. None of them had ever seen her strength, not like I had. Her determination wasn't gone. It was always there; just not with Jacob. They had seen her lost, defeated, and resigned. The minute I walked out from behind the tree, she stood tall, fierce, literally swinging. Jacob had called it her best quality, and it was most evident in reaction to me.

Bella was shaking slightly from the pain but she nodded. Leah approached slowly and plopped down next to her. "Okay, work your magic," she said while patting Bella's back. It was a double meaning. She was challenging me to fix more than Bella's hand.

I barely needed an exam to tell she had broken something, maybe more than one bone. "Bella, you need a doctor."

"What I need is for you all to leave me alone," she tried to play tough. She attempted to straighten her fingers but ended up wincing in pain. "Crap. I hate hospitals."

"Carlisle can help. You don't have to go to the hospital."

"Your dad?"

I nodded.

"He's back?"

"We're all back. Sort of. It's complicated."

"Tell me something I don't know," she chuckled.

I ignored her joke. "I will. I was hoping to talk when everyone wasn't around, but you need to see a doctor."

"So, after all these years, I'm finally going to meet your parents?"

"So it seems."

"Great. I haven't showered in a week, and I'm highly emotional. I'll stink and I'll cry. Can't wait for that first impression."

"Don't worry. No one will notice the smell over these three," I said.

"Oh no! no fucking way!" Leah protested. She looked to Jacob. "I'm not going back there."

Jacob followed her when stormed off.

"I almost feel sorry for the guy. He's been dealing with a lot of estrogen here," I joked.

"You're not off the hook yet," Bella stated.

"I know. But neither are you." I stared into her eyes, searching for some indication of what the future might hold. She gave nothing away. She went to brush a stray hair from her face, and accidentally used her broken hand. She let out a squeal of pain. "Come on, let's get you checked out."

I stood up and held my hand out to her good side. She accepted. She jumped slightly at the initial shock of our touch. She looked down, but I saw the smile on her face. I pulled gently to help her up. She tried to make a quick getaway, but I wasn't going to let that happen. I grabbed her waist to bring her close so I could whisper in her ear.

"I know we have a lot to talk about. There is so much I need to tell you, but please know just one thing. I love you. You can be mad; you can try to run; you choose not to love me back, but it will never change how I feel about you."

She kept her head down, but I saw the slight nod. I could hear her swallow hard, and I smelled the salt of the tears. I didn't know what I expected her to say; she surprised me. As she always did. "You're such a shit, Edward. Lie after lie. Well not even really a lie. You just never told me a damn thing. Not one fucking thing. After all these years, you pick now for honesty?"

"I promised myself if I saw you alive again it would be the first thing I told you. I should have told you before. It was just all so confusing, and I wanted to protect you, and then you said . . . well you remember. But in your blog you claimed you lied. I'm so sick of the lies and the hiding, Bella. So, yes, I choose now for honestly."

"How convenient for you. It's a lot easier to be honest when everything's falling apart, huh? And why should I believe you anyway? Maybe you just want something from me too."

"Of course I want something. I want you. God Bella, you have to know. The only thing that matters to me now is keeping you alive. What I felt . . . what I feel . . . with you isn't something I could fake. One of the last things you said to me was, 'let's not compare lies.' How about we compare truths? Just tell me the truth. It won't change the fact that I will protect you, but I need to know."

"Need to know what? That I love you?"

"Do you?"

"I don't know how you could have believed anything else." She didn't say it, but she didn't have to yet. She was too conflicted.

"Because I'm a shit."

"We finally agree on something."

It was an uncomfortable understanding. I could wait. I'd been doing little else lately. I was used to waiting for things I cared far less about than this. I could wait forever for her to say those three words again.

**E/N: I wasn't sure when I'd get this up given ff issues, but here it is. SHE'S BACK! Was her reaction what you expected? We still need more from her on what happened to take her to Jake. And of course, we're still waiting on Eleazar to return. **

**So my question of the week . . . at this point, name one vampire you think will definitely make their way into the story?**

**Thanks to hmonster4 as always. She wrote a Support Stacey auction piece for Daisy3853 called Divinity and Redemption that is all kinds of win. It's a great Emmett/Rosalie novella. Special love to H also since I got my early birthday present this week. She bid on the support Stacey auction on my behalf. Americnxidiot wrote a lovely 2****nd**** epi to Beautiful Beat. Love to staceygirl/jackbauer for another set of eyes.**

**Voting started this week in the For the Love of Jasper contest. My one shot goes up in the second round next week, but there are great options for voting this week too. **


	26. Bella's Blog Aug 1, 2008

**I do not own these character. **

**Bella's Bloodsucking Blog**

**August 1, 2008**

I admit it. I am addicted to the internet. Google, wiki, blogger. I love them all. I waste hours and hours reading laughable accounts of people claiming to know the truth about vampires. Yeah I know, that's what you're doing, and I'm the one writing the accounts. Of course the difference is I'm not just regurgitating the tales that have been told for centuries, and I am not just making this stuff up. Obviously, there's not much I can do to convince anyone who doesn't believe, so I'll just keep writing.

Anyway, if you get bored tonight, do a search on "how to kill a vampire." What an amazing cross section of options come up. From the ridiculous to the attempts to the absolutely serious. One of my favorite has a list of things you can do, and they give some particularly poignant advice. "Stake them through the heart with a sharpened piece of wood (if you can get that close). This will kill pretty much anything, so be careful, you wouldn't wanna accidentally stake dad or your SO. Keep plenty of pencils around for close combat!"

I nearly peed my pants the first time I read that one. Yes, you would definitely want to make sure dad's actually a vampire before you pull out the old number 2. I have this image of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a pencil bag strapped around her waist. Armed for battle as she walks the high school halls.

So, the thing is, popular culture got one part of this right. Vampires are essentially immortal, nearly indestructible. They do not age either. From what my contact has gathered, none of the Hollywood methods to weaken or kill a vampire will work. You can't use holy water or a cross or even sunlight. They have no effect. You already knew about sunlight. I'm convinced vampires themselves made that one up. After all, sparkling is hardly intimidating. It's beautiful, dazzling really. If you're sitting across a sparkling vampire, it doesn't really instill fear. I'd probably want keep that a secret too. Vicious predator by night, diamond encrusted accessory by day. All the girls would want one. The human boys would be buying up all the Bedazzler trying to achieve that perfect twinkle.

I said nearly indestructible, but the reality is neither I nor my current contact know what it actually takes to "kill" a vampire. For all intents and purposes, it's best to think of a vampire as immortal. He has been led to believe there is a way, and the very existence of werewolves suggests that's true, though they've never told me what the process would be for them to kill a vampire. I don't know for sure that they can actually kill a vampire or if they can just intimidate one. To my knowledge, none of the werewolves I've met have ever actually come in contact with a vampire other than those who do not drink human blood.

My contact's experience is very limited in this topic. He's met some other vampires in passing, and that's where he's gathered the idea that something can be done to destroy a vampire. There are certain "rules" in his world, and there are dire consequences for breaking them. He just doesn't really know how it all works.

Immortality is incredibly attractive. It might be one of the reasons vampirism is so popular and pervasive in popular culture. Who doesn't want to live forever? Most of the books and movies that deal with the romantic angle, showcase fairly young people too. They don't have many stories of elderly vampires turning nursing home patients or anything. So, eternally young. Sounds great doesn't it?

Or does it? I cannot tell you how much I've thought about this over the years. When I was eighteen and first exposed to some of these concepts, I was in awe. I couldn't believe the option might exist. I wanted it. Bad.

But I wonder if it would be as fun as it looks. I mean, wouldn't it be boring? I realize that new eras come around, but human beings are fundamentally the same. They are on a particular path in a given lifetime. What if it never ended? What would your goal be? Now add to the fact that you can't actually develop many relationships because you would not grow old while they did. My current contact cannot associate with most vampires because he does not drink human blood, and he has a different view of humanity than some others have. He didn't even realize there were others like him, who didn't hunt humans, until he met me, and I explained what I knew. I can sense the sadness in him. He's completely alone in this world. Maybe someday that will change, and I hope for his sake it does, but I see the need for his isolation too. He can be around humans because he has simply decided that they are not a food source for him. It's a very deep resolve. But he can't stay in any place for very long because people start to question him—no ties, nothing changes, he doesn't eat, he doesn't work, where does he get money, etc. He leads a kind of half life really. In between two worlds and he doesn't really fit in either.

Maybe immortality would be more fun if he did drink from humans. Perhaps, there is something satisfying in that process, or it's possible that if you give yourself over, let go over the humanity that you just kind of forget about any other goals. I don't know. Maybe I'll be able to talk more about this later.

In any case, right now, you can assume that YOU will not have the ability to destroy a vampire in your pencil case or your church vestibule. So, you can put away the pocket protector full of #2's; no need to impale your dad. I'll keep researching this topic, and hopefully I've have more to tell you soon.

Until then have fun Googling, and as always . . .

Happy Hunting!

**E/N: Sorry, I failed on the review replies last time in the wake of a week from hell. It doesn't mean I didn't read them or appreciate them.**

**Next up, Bella goes back to Forks. Time to meet the 'rents so to speak. Bella will be talking more about Riley in the next chapter. What do you think happened to him?**

**Last reminder, I promise. Voting is on in the For the Love of Jasper contest. Link is in my profile. I have one in this round, but please check out the fics by Daisy3853 and Staceygirl aka Jackbauer. **


	27. Off with her Head

**A/N: The characters aren't mine.**

**Chapter 17: Off with her Head**

**EPOV**

There was tension, and then there was this. If there are words to explain what a household containing nine vampires, three werewolves, and one human is like, I certainly don't have them. When that cadre is also awaiting the arrival of five more vampires and maintaining a fragile treaty with another seven wolves who were no longer on speaking terms with the original three. All of this while fully aware that we were about to begin a battle we had no idea whether we could win.

No, I could not describe that.

Bella sat next to me on the couch in my room. It wasn't because we'd suddenly come to an understanding. We hadn't managed to resolve all of the issues in our relationship inside of a few hours. That would be unrealistic. She'd stuck close by me since we left the woods primarily for two reasons: she was very pissed off at Jacob, and she didn't really know anyone else at the house; she had met most of my family, but never really became friendly with them. I suppose I was also the only one she knew wouldn't kill her. She seemed tentative even of my family, but the second she saw Felix and Demetri, she sank into some place very cold and lonely. She stopped talking. Her hesitance—fear—was something new for me to witness. It confirmed what Jacob had implied. Something happened. But she wasn't talking.

I had a feeling Bella's first choice would have been Leah, but she was off pouting or fuming or whatever it was her kind did. She'd come back, only because Jacob told her she had to and Seth was here too, so she felt she had no choice, but she refused to come anywhere near the house.

It took significantly longer to get back to the house than it had taken me to find their camping spot. Bella wasn't fond of the idea of riding on any of our backs. The look on her face when she realized we intended to run, and she would have to choose one of us was pained. Seth, Leah, and Jacob had already phased.

I would like to think she chose me because she wanted to be close, but I had a feeling the idea of riding on the back of Leah or Seth was too much. To know your friend can turn into an animal is one thing; to ride a dog is another.

"Can you slow down for a while?" she groaned into my ear. We'd only been running for about fifteen minutes. "I think I'm going to be sick."

I came to a fairly abrupt stop.

"Are you okay?" I asked. Her cheeks were flushed and slid her off my back, and she doubled over, raising a hand and shaking her head slightly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think about how that would feel for you," I attempted to comfort her.

"I just need a minute. I'll be okay." She looked up and scanned the woods. "Did they stop?"

I nodded. "They're just up ahead a bit."

"Can they hear us?"

"Probably," I acknowledged.

"I wish we'd had a chance to talk alone," she said out of the blue. I heard the regret in her voice.

I closed my eyes for a second. When I opened them, she was staring at me. I was about to acknowledge her statement, but I was trying to figure out how to do that and encourage her to keep moving at the same time.

"I guess I'm ready," she announced beating me to the punch.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, no. My hand hurts like hell, and as much as I could use some good drugs, I can't say I'm anxious to get where we're going."

Something about the way she said it made me believe she wasn't talking about the house exactly, but I ignored that.

"When we get there, will you tell me what happened?"

"Will you?" she asked.

"Yes," I stated honestly.

She nodded in return. "Honesty right?"

I smiled, and she looked down almost embarrassed.

"It's not much farther now. Let's get going."

Jacob was trying desperately to distract himself. They had all been surprised by Bella's reaction to my arrival. The punch notwithstanding, they were amazed by the rational way she was handling everything. The glimpses I caught in their minds of the distraught woman they'd been living with shocked me. Jacob was relieved to see her improved state, but hated the idea that I was responsible for it.

At one point, Seth attempted to comfort him. "_You obviously did the right thing_," he said. "_She did need him._"

Jacob whimpered mildly at that, and Leah shot Seth a warning growl. "_Shut up, pipsqueak_."

I was nervous about returning to the house myself. I had fulfilled the most important part of my journey. I told Bella I loved her. The response hadn't been instant reciprocation from her. In fact, I still had no idea how she felt about me, but I didn't get the sense she wanted to hit me again. On the other hand, I hadn't had a chance to talk to her about her contacts or what she had experienced to drive her away from Seattle. I worried everyone would bombard her the minute we walked in. Of course the addition of the mini pack was likely to create some initial tension.

She tightened her one-handed grip on me when we were about a mile away. "We're getting close," she whispered in my ear.

"Yes." Her breath was warm against my face, and I longed for her to talk more.

"I used to come here. Long after you left," she admitted. I leaned my head slightly toward her words, letting their heat seer my face.

I squeezed the hand that was wrapped around my neck. "I was so stupid."

"We can't go back. It's not worth it to try."

"Can we go forward?" I asked hopefully. She didn't respond right away. Several minutes passed before she answered.

"I don't know," she said. "There's a lot to fear right now isn't there?"

I had no idea if she knew what was transpiring or whether she'd simply assumed. I couldn't see the point in denying it. "There is."

She was quiet the rest of the way. When we got to the property line, Jacob announced they would hang back. I slid Bella off my back so she could toss them a backpack containing clothes. As much as he wanted to at the ready so to speak, Jacob thought human form would be wiser around a house of vampires . . . for everyone.

Bella and I walked the rest of the way to the house.

"Can you promise me something, Edward?"

"Anything."

By this time, she was pretty well aware of what vampires could and could not do, so she spoke against my ear with almost no sound coming out. "Protect my parents."

I stopped dead in my tracks. "Shit. I totally forgot. After Italy, I was so focused on finding you that even when we got back to Forks, I didn't think to check on them."

"Italy?"

"Yes."

"You didn't go to Volterra did you?"

"I did." Clearly she knew about them, but her expression showed me she now fully understood the impact of that admission.

"Oh god, Edward. I'm so sorry."

"Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for. No regrets remember?"

The front door opened, and Alice stepped out. She smiled at both of us, but I could see the strain on her face. Everyone was worried. "_Please tell me she knows something_," Alice pleaded.

"Get Carlisle," I commanded. "She broke her hand."

Carlisle confirmed my diagnosis, but given where the break was, all he could do was wrap it and provide pain medication.

There was a lot of hovering. "Carlisle, can I get you anything?" Esme interrupted.

"Bella, are you hungry? Can we get you anything?" Alice asked.

"Um, do you have food?" Bella wondered aloud.

"Of course, silly. We knew you were coming. Or rather, we hoped you were." It was clear Alice was anxious to talk to Bella; she'd always wanted to establish her own relationship with her, but even she understood it would take time.

"Oh well, I'm okay right now." She looked to me. "Do you think the others are okay?"

She didn't have to specify which others, and I'd been listening in when I could. "They're fine right now. Well Leah's pissed, but they're not hungry," I assured her.

"How do you . . ." but she figured it out before she finished. "This far?"

"Yeah, about a mile is my limit."

"Wow. That's . . . handy, and annoying I would think. I mean I know the pack can do it, but it's only with each other and . . ."

"Bella, we need to talk," I interrupted her. I was calm but insistent. I didn't want to set her off before we began.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "I'm going to see about that pain medication. Are you okay for now, Bella?"

She nodded at him. He gave me a stern look. _"She seems fragile. Don't push."_

He needn't have worried. The minute he left the room, she turned to face me.

"You first. Tell me about the Volturi."

I gave it all to her. Every detail. I didn't try to protect her by withholding. At this point, secrets, lies, and omissions did no one a service. She showed little reaction. I knew we weren't really alone, but the perception of privacy felt freeing.

"So, they sent you back here for me?"

"Yes, essentially."

"Well then, why are we here? Why aren't we going?"

"Going where?"

"Volterra," she answered as if it were obvious.

"What do you mean?"

"You found me. Why aren't you taking me back?"

"Bella, I have no intention of letting them get you. That's what this is all about," I said waving my hands toward the door that would lead to the house full of vampires.

"I'm confused. Why did you find me at all then?"

"I told you. I needed to be honest with you. I couldn't go through with all of this without telling you I loved you. I was so sure you were dead when I went to Italy. I didn't expect to return myself. When I found out you were alive or that you might be anyway, I felt like I had a second chance to be honest. I had to deal with all of this regardless, but I admit, it's easier having you here."

"You just said, 'It's what "this" is all about.' What is 'this?'"

"We don't know exactly. All of us here think you were set up, and we're hoping you can give us more information about your sources."

I watched her body tense, and her face contort.

"I don't want to talk about that."

"I know, but it's important. The Volturi are very powerful; you know that right? They won't just let us walk away."

"We could go. You and I. No one else has to be involved."

There was a fleeting moment where I let that idea hit me. It would never work, of course, but I found hope in the fact that she suggested it at all.

"God, I wish that were possible; I'm afraid it's not true anymore. They'll go after my family regardless. Probably yours too. It seems we have to see this through now."

"You said it again."

"What?"

"'This.' You keep saying it over and over. What it is 'this?'"

I hadn't lied about not knowing, and I wasn't trying to be overprotective of her, but clearly I had a hunch. "Oh, I think maybe . . . it's war."

"War? I don't understand. Between whom?"

"That's what we don't know. Us. The Volturi, but there's more to it. Who ever was using you is probably against the Volturi. Apparently, there are people who believe their methods of maintaining order in our world have become problematic, and there are others who would like the power for themselves. We just don't know which is working which angle."

"Wait a minute. If the Volturri are trying to get to you . . . well us, and you want to know how else is against them, that means you want to find my contacts in order to work WITH them?"

"Um, maybe?"

Her yes went wide. "Fuck that," she yelled, hopping off the desk in Carlisle's office. "I'll leave right now."

She bent down to pick up her backpack. It was all she had left of the life she'd constructed. She hadn't talked to her family in weeks. The bag was dirty and worn. Honestly, so was she. I hadn't taken the time to assess her. It seemed odd to realize that although I hadn't taken my eyes off her since she woke up in the woods, I hadn't actually seen her. I'd expected her to be thin; she had been just a few weeks ago, but I hadn't expected the hollowing of her cheeks to have become so much more pronounced or the circles under her eyes to be that much darker.

I doubt she had eaten or slept much. Other than what I'd seen in the minds of the pack, this was the first I realized how bad off she had been.

"Bella," I pleaded. "What happened?" I'd never known her as a woman who would walk away from fear. I didn't want to imagine what changed that.

She shook her head. "I can't."

"We need to know. What do you think will happen if you walk out that door?"

"We'll go back into the woods."

"Is that really what you want? How long do you think you can all stay hidden there? Is that fair to Jacob and the others?"

"Oh please, don't even pretend you care about them. You only care about yourself." The attack was quick. She didn't back down after she said it either.

"That's not . . .true," I replied. The comment threw me. I _had_ been selfish. My actions had always been self serving. I could couch them many different ways to say that I was protecting her, but it was as much about protecting me. Now it wasn't about me at all. It was about her and my family, and even the wolf pack. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. Was that selfish too? Why did I seek her out after all but to tell her how I felt? And I did want her help to protect others. "Anymore at least."

She'd thrown her backpack on and she stood perpendicular to me, one foot pointed toward the door. She stared at her feet. "I promised no regrets, but sometimes I can't help it, Edward. It could have all been so different."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too," she exhaled. And before I knew it, she had crumpled to the floor, her legs twisted into a pretzel shape, her backpack straps falling off her shoulders and resting in the crook of her elbow. I'd never seen her cry; I'd seen her yell and stomp her feet. I'd seen her laugh, and I'd witnessed pure ecstasy on her face. But never the contorted expression she wore now. I'd never smelled the salt though I'd imagined I could.

I'd seen plenty of breakdowns before. They just took on different forms. Some people, like Rosalie, projected outward, but Bella seemed to sink into herself even further.

Tentatively, I stepped toward her. I didn't know what I was afraid of. She couldn't do anything to hurt me. Physically at least. I suppose she had found plenty of other ways to inflict pain. We both had. We couldn't compare the hits we'd taken anymore than we could compare the lies we'd told.

I knelt down slowly. I'm sure she knew I was there. She inhaled unevenly when I reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, talk to me."

She kept trying to calm herself. Carlisle let me know they were just outside the door if anyone needed help, but thankfully, no one tried to intervene.

I sat down fully and inched closer to her. I slid my arm over to her other shoulder. I wasn't sure if she'd accept the gesture, but within seconds, I felt her lean closer. "It's okay," I assured her.

That was all it took. She melted into me, and I wrapped my other arm around her. I held her like that for awhile. I stroked her hair, and whispered calming thoughts. She felt so soft and warm against me. I'd carried her on my back not long before, but this was so much more intimate.

She rubbed her face and exclaimed, "Aaahhh. Enough."

"Does that work?" I asked.

She let out a short laugh. "Not usually." She continued to sniff and wife the tears from her face.

"Please talk to me."

She took yet another deep breath, steadying her heart rate, and wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks. "I said I would. I guess I don't have a choice. It's just very hard."

"I know."

"Where should I start?"

"Tell me what happened after I left. You were so strong, so resolved."

"Well, that was lie too, you know."

I nodded.

"But if I'm going to do this, I want to do it once." She swallowed and looked toward the door. "Let's go out there."

"They can hear you here."

"Logically, I know that, but it's not a conversation. Besides, they will have questions, right?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Are you sure?"

"No, but I'll do it anyway."

"You amaze me, you know."

She laughed. "You have such a warped perception."

"I think you just don't see yourself very clearly."

"Maybe neither of us do."

She turned and led the way out of the room. She knew everyone had already heard her invitation. They were gathering around the living room. Emmett and Jasper moved a few chairs. No one needed to sit to be comfortable, but Alice reminded them Bella would feel more comfortable. She could look us in the eye; it would feel more like a normal gathering. They left the loveseat open, which was how we wound up sitting next to each other, Bella closer than I expected. Carlisle had the forethought to bring Jacob in, though he didn't come any closer than the doorway. He leaned against the jam, looking impatient and irritated. I noticed all the vampires had stopped breathing.

"It's really hard for me to talk about all of this," Bella began.

"We appreciate your willingness to talk," Carlisle encouraged.

Bella kept her head down, specifically avoiding eye contact with Felix or Demetri who had both settled into chairs as far away from the loveseat as possible. They looked stiff. Having Bella and Jacob in the room highlighted just how inhuman they were.

"Well you all know Edward tried to warn me, but I didn't listen. I wrote about that in the blog. The thing is, I was trying to prevent of all this." The emphasis on the final word made me smile. I wanted to add, whatever this is. "You all know my first contact was Riley right?"

She didn't really expect confirmation, but there was some nodding around the room.

"I know we were both stupid. Well me more than him. I had to talk him into letting me write everything I did. He didn't know very much himself, but he didn't want to create waves. He was scared of the something—I later learned it was the Volturi, but I was just naïve." She looked over at me for a second, took a deep breath and continued, "I'm not pointing fingers here, but I had no idea. How could I? It made so much sense. Every vampire I'd met only drank from animals. I didn't know what the big deal was. I don't know what I expected to happen."

"Was it about more than finding Edward?" Jacob asked from his spot, arms crossed. He didn't even shift his weight. She didn't raise her eyes to look at him.

"Yes, I mean I think the whole thing made me feel connected to him, but it evolved as I went. I had a sense of purpose. Something that made me different. Something I could do. I never had that before. I was never anybody special." Jacob grimaced and I let out a ragged breath. "Not in my own head anyway, not until I met you. And then you left, and I was ordinary again." She was facing me then, but only for a second.

"So, obviously, we played with fire, but it was honestly innocent," She admitted.

"Are you certain he was trustworthy?" Felix asked. There was a palpable tension in the room at the sound of his voice. I felt Bella stiffen next to me. Her heart sped up, but she didn't show it when she answered.

"Positive."

"How can you be so sure?"

She tried to inhale, but her breath caught. Her lip quivered slightly. "Because I watched him die."

There were nearly inaudible gasps. Everyone shifted somehow, leaning in or sitting up, turning heads or furrowing brows.

Tentatively, I reached over to her. I touched her leg ever so slightly letting her know my hand was there if she needed it. She didn't grab it right away. She unclasped her hands and rested them in her lap.

She inhaled. "I was such an idiot. I was mad at him for leaving me." She paused and glanced at me briefly. The parallel was clear. Yet another vampire to leave her. Of course she was angry. "I had fleeting thoughts that something might have happened to him, but I convinced myself he just didn't want to be a part of the blog anymore." She blinked back tears. Her hand moved another inch closer to mine.

"I'm sure you all must hate me," she assumed.

"No one hates you, Bella," I said, looking around the room in warning, resting my gaze on Rosalie. "They know it wasn't your fault. It was mine."

She shook her head. "No more blame game. We agreed."

"And you just broke it."

There was the slightest hint of a smile. "Our promises have never held up very well have they?"

It was a moment, the smallest second. There was something thing there. I saw Esme take hold of Carlisle's sleeve. The kind of gesture a woman often used when she wanted her husband to notice something. But he already had. He was smiling too.

"I was so desperate for a contact that I didn't think twice when Garrett approached me."

"Garrett?" Demetri pressed.

"Yes, my other contact."

"I think I know him," he said.

"He'd be hard to forget. Quite a character actually. The hair probably gives him away the most. Ponytail?"

Demetri nodded. "He's involved in all of this? That's interesting. Do you know who he's working with?"

She shook her head. "Not really. I'm having a hard time figuring out who all of the players are, and I certainly don't know whose side anyone is on."

"How was Riley killed?" Rosalie demanded. Emmett shushed her.

"I'm getting there," Bella continued. She paused, and her hand was close enough that my forefinger was touching her pinky. "I only met Garrett once. I liked him immediately, though I knew he wasn't . . . well I knew he drank from humans. He went on and on in that meeting about it being a test of wills and how he wanted to come just to see if he could get that close to a human and not drink. It should have all been a sign, but I was intrigued. I was still ticked that Riley was gone. My blog was becoming less interesting, and I wanted to know more. Garrett promised me all the information I wanted. After that, we mostly talked online and stuff. He tried to warn me too. Subtle ways. He gave me the information but the more we talked the more it seemed like he didn't really want to. I don't know when but at some point, I knew that I was in over my head. It all made more sense after Edward's visit. I put more of it together, and I was trying to figure out what I could do, but it was too late."

Another deep breath, a slight change in her position, and her hand was on top of mine.

"The next warning was anything but subtle. Garrett called me and told me to run. He said he'd find me. He apologized. None of it made much sense. Something about having no idea how deep everything went and just having some fun. He's normally a very well spoken man, and his rambling threw me off. But I didn't go anywhere. I'd already decided I needed to face my fate, no matter what it was." She turned to face me. "I thought . . . I could protect you, but now I see that I only made it worse for you."

"No blame," I whispered. I flipped our hands over and wove my fingers with hers.

"I need a second," she said.

"Would you like some water?" Esme offered. Bella nodded appreciatively at her.

Bella had barely finished apologizing for the break by the time Esme returned with the glass. She took a slow drink. I knew the gulp drew attention to her throat. My eyes shot to Felix and Demetri. They hadn't been breathing the entire time, but there was a very low guttural sound coming from Demetri. I hissed back instinctively. Bella continued to grip my hand oblivious to the exchange. Emmett and Jasper had each taken one step in Demetri's direction. Felix positioned himself defensively.

It was over before it began. I leaned closer to Bella, blocking her from his line of sight. "You're doing great," I whispered as cover. She smiled back weakly. "The hard part is still coming," she answered.

I could feel the shift in the room as I heard Demetri's mind settle. I glanced back at him, and his entire posture had relaxed. He gave me a nod, and I sat back, but still kept my body between them and her.

"I got a text message from Riley. He said he was scared, but he had to see me. Logically, I knew it didn't make sense, but I had to see. I was aware that it could all be a set up but at the same time, I didn't know why anyone would need to set me up. I was a sitting duck for anyone who wanted me. And obviously, not able to defend myself in any meaningful way. So I went, hopeful that I would see my friend again."

She took another drink. This time without incident.

"He was flanked by two other vampires. His expression was something I'll never forget. There wasn't a single part of him that appeared happy to see me. For a moment I thought maybe I'd been wrong about him all along. Maybe our relationship had always been a lie. Why else would he look so angry at the sight of me? It wasn't long before his expression morphed, and I saw the concern etched on his face. I'd mistaken fear for anger. There was a lot of talk between the other vampires. A third and her I remember—a woman with the most vibrant red hair—had slipped into the clearing at some point. I'm being completely honest when I say I don't remember much of it. That I did hear didn't make any sense. I guess it was selective perception or something because I kept looking at Riley, and looking for a way out."

"Who were they?" Rosalie asked. Our talk must not have alleviated her of all her animosity. Her tone was edgy. Bella seemed to pick up on it because her response echoed it.

"I don't know their names or anything. There were three of them. The only thing I know is that before she ripped Riley's head off and threw it into the fire she said, 'How appropriate. I made you; I unmake you.' He was so fucking scared." She broke down then. Her head fell back into her hands, and I moved closer. I wrapped my arm around her back. Through her hands she muttered, "They took him apart in pieces. I can't explain it. It was . . . loud . . . I screamed and screamed."

"Why did they do it, Bella?"

She snapped up. "To torture me? Because they could? I don't know exactly."

"How did you get out of there?" Emmett chimed in.

"Garrett. He came. He wasn't alone. He took me away and asked if I still had my phone. He's the one who told me to swallow my pride and ask for help. He told me to hurry because he didn't know how long he could stall them. The last thing he said to me was, 'It wasn't supposed to be like this.' Then he left. That's all I know."

Everyone looked at me. Clearly, we'd expected more details.

"Bella," I began quietly. "I'm very sorry about your friend, and I know that was incredibly frightening, but can you try to remember some of the things that were said? Were there any names? Any details that you can remember? Anything?"

"I think they were all working together at some point. I know that Garrett had issues with the Volturi. He made snide comments about them all the time. And the one guy—he was French . . . I remember the accent—he made some comment about never being able to take down the guard if they split. The woman told him to shut up and stick to the plan. Anyway, when Garrett showed up, they all knew each other. They didn't expect the attack."

"Anything else?" I encouraged.

"No, I don't think . . . oh wait. I did hear a name. Aro?"

Felix responded instantly. "Aro? What about him?"

"The other one in the group; he was a blond too, long hair like Garrett, anyway, he said something about Aro guaranteeing their place now. " Realization hit her again. "He said something about showing them good tracking."

"Fucking James," Demetri snarled.

"What the hell is going on?" Rosalie wondered aloud.

It was a question to which no one had an answer . . . yet.

**E/N: So, Riley is gone. We've heard names bantered around: James and Aro. Rosalie asked the key question, "What the hell is going on?" **

**Why do you think they destroyed Riley? Can you trust Garrett? How are James and Aro linked? The Denali coven comes next chapter. What does Eleazar have to say? Still with me, let m know. I'd appreciate your thoughts on these new details.**

**Final round of voting in the For the Love of Jasper contest is happening. Last time I'll beg you all to check out the entries and vote. Daisy3853, Staceygirl aka Jackbauer, and I all have one shots in the finals. Link is in my profile.**


	28. Explanations take such a dreadful time

**I don't own the characters. This chapter may seem speculative, but there are many answers within; the characters just don't know it yet. **

**Chapter 18: Explanations take such a dreadful time **

**EPOV**

The Denali coven arrived with our equivalent of fanfare. There wasn't a spread of food or gifts, but there were hugs and smiles and laughter which all veiled the seriousness of the occasion. It had been a while since we'd seen our old friends. I remained on the couch with Bella, not wanting her to endure the greeting ritual. Her body registered distress, but I didn't know whether it was nerves or fear. She scanned the room occasionally and looked down quickly clearly overwhelmed by the sight of so many vampires in one place.

We'd been out to check on the wolves. Leah had calmed enough to re-join Jacob and Seth, but she refused to accept any clothes or food from the house. They were waiting for us to have more information before they broached any conversation with their former pack. Leah hoped they never did, but Seth kept trying to tell her it didn't make sense to hate them. They'd lost their father not long before, and he hated the idea that they were so close to their mother, but unable to go visit her.

I felt bad because we clearly couldn't invite her here right now. I had a feeling Bella would have liked to see Charlie too. They weren't all that close, but still, some familiarity would probably have been good for her. I couldn't imagine bringing more humans into this space though. We were pushing our luck with her.

Bella fidgeted as greetings were made. Logically, she knew the additional vampires were not a threat to her as she'd been informed that they shared our diet, but her emotions were raw, and they were driving her physical reactions as well.

Tanya was the first to approach us as we remained seated on the couch. Bella's heart rate sped as Tanya came near. I saw caught a glance Felix threw in Bella's direction. I heard the sharp inhale Demetri took as the rhythmic pounding increased. The subtle movements didn't go unnoticed by the others. Carlisle and Esme quickly moved to distract them with further introductions.

"Edward, why are you over there?" Tanya smiled warmly, seemingly oblivious to the reaction she'd caused. She glanced to Bella, and her smile didn't waver at all. She actually extended her hand out to her first. "You must be Bella; it's nice to finally meet you. I feel like I know you already."

"You and the entire vampire world," Bella said in return. There was a second where both Tanya and I were confused by the statement, but then Bella smiled coyly, and we all laughed. I stood to shake Tanya's hand but she pulled me into a hug.

"You silly, silly boy," she whispered. "Oh how I'm going to miss you."

She palmed my cheek, and I shook my head at her. She laughed. Bella watched with narrowed eyes.

"Something we need to discuss?" she asked when I sat back down. Her perceptiveness always caught me off guard. The hint of insecurity gleamed in her eye, and I found her jealousy endearing; it gave me hope.

"Later," I promised.

The formalities ended quickly. The anticipation of the news Eleazar bore was too much to limit ourselves to small talk. The room was expansive, but sitting next to the lone human in a room full of 14 vampires made it feel much smaller than it was.

I still kept a special eye on Felix and Demetri. They had both planned to hunt that evening but wanted to hear what information the new coven brought as much as the rest of us.

"I've never had so many people interested in what I had to say before," Eleazar commented as we all began to face him.

"Nonsense," Carmen corrected. "People always listen attentively to you." Their relationship was as strong as Carlisle and Esme's. They had that depth of connection, but without the banter or the obvious sexual undertones that Alice and Jasper or Rosalie and Emmett had. It was mature; broken in.

"I've had a chance to speak with Carlisle, and he's filled me in on what you've been through, Bella. That must have been incredibly frightening."

Bella hadn't expected to be addressed. The attention was difficult for her; she'd assumed that with her story on the table, she would be able to sit back quietly invisible. She bit her lip. The slight rush of blood that accompanied the action caused Demetri to lick his lips involuntarily. I gave Bella's hand a squeeze both as encouragement to speak and to draw her attention enough to cause her release the tender skin of her lower lip.

She exhaled and nodded. "It was."

"I imagine it is difficult to talk about, but I have a few more questions for you. I just want to follow up. Nothing too stressful, I hope."

She shrugged. "Go ahead."

"You say you heard the name Aro mentioned. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"You didn't hear any other names then?"

"No, none. It's possible they called each other by name, but if I heard them, I don't remember them. I'm sorry."

"It's quite alright, Bella," he assured her. He turned his attention to Demetri. "Carlisle said you were aware of the one called James?"

"Yes, I can assume that if he was involved, the other two she mentioned were members of his coven. I believe the woman is James' mate, and the other just someone they took in."

"What do you know about them?"

"James is a tracker—he's good at it. Not as good as I am, but good nonetheless. Several years ago, he came to Italy, asking to join the Volturi. I didn't get a good vibe from him. I can't say what Aro, Marcus, and Caius thought of him for sure, but they refused his request. I think the official reason was that the guard was full. He didn't take it well, but what could he do really? I never talked with him personally, but I heard his name mentioned here and there in my work. Aro actually had me keep an eye on him for a couple of years because he worried that James was the type to draw unnecessary attention, but from what I gathered he was mostly talk.

"Interesting," Eleazar said. He was pensive, but not forthcoming. "Does anyone know of the other contact? This Garrett?"

"I do," Carlisle interjected. We'd barely had time to process any of Bella's testimony before the others arrived, so this was news to all of us. "Not well, but based on the description, I think I met him in passing in the late sixties."

Carlisle turned to Esme and then generally addressed his family, "Do you remember when I was teaching medical school, and I saw one of us in the midst of a campus protest?"

Esme immediately nodded in agreement, and the rest of us gave some sort of indication that we had a vague recollection.

"I spoke with him only briefly, encouraging him to move on so as to avoid any complication due to his hunting method. The name matches."

"What was he doing in the protest again?" Emmett asked.

"He said he was just having a little fun. I believe he fought in the American Revolution and apparently, he always carried that rebellious spirit with him. He said he found it hard to resist a good fight."

"So he was able to manage himself around humans even then," Eleazar stated.

"Yes. In fact, I commended him for it, and even invited him to spend some time with us, but he laughed. He enjoyed his nomadic life and showed no interest in joining a coven or traveling with a group of any kind.

Bella had sat up a little straighter. She leaned in to hear what she could about her former contact. She nodded in agreement. Carlisle smiled at her, and she relaxed back into her seat.

We had already asked Bella if she had his phone number or any way to contact him. She said she'd already tried the phone number she had, and the number was out of service. She thought she remembered an email address but hadn't had access to a means to send a message, and he'd always checked it sporadically anyway.

"I know you're anxious to hear what I have to say and are expecting answers. I'm afraid I only bring more speculation. We, too, had heard rumors of trouble. So, your call set my mind in motion."

"Eleazar," I began, anxious for him to get give us something we didn't know. "One of the things that has me most curious is how you were able to leave the Volturi. It was the main reason I wanted to contact you. I was hoping to discover if it held any hope for the rest of us to get out of this without confrontation."

"I know. And I don't believe my story will help you in the way you hope, though it may be pivotal. How much do you all know about the history of the Volturi?"

Most of shook our heads.

"You know the Volturi took power from the Romanians. That may play a factor as well; I'm just not sure to what extent yet.

Carlisle nodded in agreement. "We, too, have considered their influence. I am inclined to believe that they've got their hands in something but are not likely to be the ring leaders."

"That seems logical. Perhaps the rest of my story will help shed light on that. You see, after the Volturi took over, Marcus was not as interested in maintaining their position. Maybe he never was. He never really wanted the power; didn't care much about it. He and his wife, Didyme, eventually made plans to leave. As I understand it, they had a deep bond those two. And quite honestly, as I've been told, most vampires had more respect for that couple than they did anyone else in the Volturi. Marcus had made many friends over the years. He used to be a very agreeable man, and he loved to be around people, to share the strength of their connections. Aro was jealous, of course. It didn't matter that Marcus's mate was his own sister. He knew the loss of Marcus would make their power tenuous at best, partly because Marcus was well liked, but also the stronghold of their power always was about loyalty. With the Romanians still lurking about, it would be easy for their stronghold to crumble."

Most of what he was telling we probably all knew in some form or another. Not all of the details, but enough pieces of the puzzle. Bella appeared entranced. This was entirely new to her, and it read like a Gothic novel, her favorite genre.

"It is common knowledge that Didyme was killed, and after that Marcus became a shell of himself. His will was so reduced that he was easy affected by someone like Chelsea, and ultimately, he just didn't have the desire to leave. He didn't care anymore." There was an audible gasp from Bella when Eleazar mentioned Didyme's destruction.

"How was she killed?" Bella asked quietly still intently pondering the love story she'd heard.

"No one knows for sure," Felix said.

"It's true," Eleazar agreed. "Though there have always been rumors. I imagine they're still flying around."

He looked pointedly between Felix and Demetri, seeking confirmation. Demetri nodded. "Many think it was likely the Romanians. The timeline predates me, but her disappearance came a few hundred years after control was established in Volturi. The Romanians had nothing left by then. Their castles were gone, and any humans who had any memory at all had long since died out. Only the whispers of some ancient monsters existed. Vladmir and Stefan were holed up by then, and bitter. Most people assumed they knew they couldn't take over the guard, but Didyme was trusting and kind, and somehow maybe they got to her."

"Wait a minute," Bella interrupted wide eyed. "Vladmir? Romania? Is that . . .?"

"Probably," Eleazar smiled. "At least, I'm sure they would like to think so. They don't like feeling insignificant. Though I am sure there are plenty of fights among them about the fact that only Vlad's name lives on."

"So no 'Imapler?'"

"Perhaps there were both and people simply merged history and mythology. There's no way to know really," Carlisle added.

"I'm sorry." Bella's embarrassment showed in her blush. "I just studied this a lot. Please, go on with your story."

"It's okay, Bella," Eleazar assured her.

I would have expected to hear impatient thoughts from the others, but they all seemed equally engrossed in the story. Tanya was eyeing Bella reproachfully, but when she caught my sight, she looked away with a grin on her face.

"Carlisle, did you hear the rumors when you were there?" Eleazar asked him.

Carlisle rested his chin on his steepled hands. "I was trying to piece together what I knew at the time, and I don't remember anyone discussing it much. By then Marcus was already quite withdrawn. There was a brief instance when I thought he actually considered coming away with me when I left. He was the only one who seemed genuinely intrigued, but nothing came of it of course."

"I'm not surprised. On either account," Eleazar continued. "I owe my entire existence to that man, and for that I will forever be grateful. When I met Carmen, the life of the guard no longer held any appeal to me. I hadn't any ill will while I was there. I was fairly content, but then Chelsea may have influenced that. Or maybe I was just in a different place. Carmen and I simply knew we wanted a different life. I went to the three of them, as I suppose everyone else expected, they denied me exit. I was surprised. I don't know why exactly. Leaving the guard . . . alive . . . wasn't a common occurrence, but for whatever reason I thought I'd be on my merry way. A few days later, I was summoned to a meeting. I had no idea what to expect when I went, but I certainly did not think I would see Carmen standing before me. "

Felix's head snapped up. This scene was almost too familiar to him.

"Most of you can probably imagine the kind of games Aro tried to play—offering ultimatums—basically taunting us both with Caius egging him on. Marcus was oddly silent."

"He kept looking at me," Carmen added. "I don't know if you noticed that. It felt like he was searching for something."

"I suppose in hindsight, he was. He was reading our connection, maybe even remembering Didyme. I don't know for sure whether we would both have been destroyed or only Carmen, but before it came to that, Marcus intervened. He asked for our release. Then and there he made it about loyalty to the guard and doing what was asked; that membership had never been a requirement. He informed them of the strength of our bond was something he had rarely witnessed. He felt it would be a shame to break it."

"That worked?" Felix asked.

"No," Carmen shook her head. "Caius, especially, dismissed it. Marcus and Aro went back and forth for a while though. I always felt like they were having some conversation to which none of us were privy."

"Aro was about to issue an order when Marcus became irate. He walked over and grabbed Aro's arm, demanding that he owed him this one favor. Aro clearly saw something painful in Marcus' memory. And when Marcus let go, Aro stared at him for a long time before telling us to leave and never to return to Europe."

"Oh my god," Bella exclaimed.

"What it is?" I questioned.

"Aro killed Didyme," she deduced. Everyone turned toward her. She blushed deeply again at the attention. Expressions around the room ranged from doubt to shock to awe to whatever face of undying love I was wearing at the moment.

"You are a clever girl," Eleazar commended her. "That is exactly what I believe he saw in that memory. Marcus had learned the truth. Aro killed his sister to keep Marcus from fleeing from the Volturi."

"How did you figure that out?" I wondered..

"It was just a guess," Bella answered. Her eyes were wide. "I've read a lot of mysteries."

"Impressive," Tanya said, though her eyes were on me. She gave me an appreciative nod. _"Not bad,"_ she thought.

"Are you certain, Eleazar?" I ventured.

"No, not really., This is the part that where things complicated and speculative, Edward. I thought about that day so often. I had many suspicions about their exchange, but I had very little to go on. Only Marcus's final warning which was to cherish what we had because not everyone got the same opportunity we did. It was odd the way he said it; not really a warning but a lament, and he didn't say it to me, he directed it toward Aro. The other thing that always bothered me was that it just didn't add up. As we've already noted, the Romanians are not known for being highly motivated, but they do enjoy getting credit for their action. So, if they had been able to execute a plan as big as Didyme's destruction, wouldn't they have touted it? Loudly, in fact?"

"And why wouldn't the guard have gone after them? We've attacked based on rumor before," Felix added.

"Exactly," Eleazar agreed."But we have no proof," Carlisle stated.

"True," Eleazar said slowly. " I can't help but think this long standing rift between Marcus and Aro might be significant somehow. It's easy to think of Aro setting up Bella, but the motivation isn't as clear. What would he gain? He doesn't want rebellion, but perhaps, Marcus does?"

"No way," Demetri argued. "You have seen Marcus. There's practically nothing left of the man."

"He did seem quite weak," I agreed. "And I certainly didn't hear any thoughts that led me to question his loyalty."

Eleazar nodded and give a slight shrug. "It's merely speculation, as I said."

"So, I still don't know what the hell is going on," Rosalie said.

"That makes two of us," Emmett admitted. "We should play that game of 'what do you think; what do you know; what can you prove?'"

Rosalie looked at him like he'd grown a third eye.

"What? I saw it in a movie once; it helped them make sense of things."

"You know, it's not a bad idea," Carlisle encouraged. "I could use a refresher myself. Let's start with the what we know first. I have a feeling there is very little we can prove."

"Alice, do you have anything to share?" Kate piped up for the first time. "That would be a 'something we know.'"

"I wish I did. I think because so much is up in the air and no one has made any decisions, I'm just getting fuzz. I'm sorry."

"Perhaps, if we work through some this information, it will open things up for you, Alice," Carlisle suggested.

And this began an afternoon of discussion, at times heated, at times thoughtful, at times frustrated. The elements of the mystery were a twisted mess of barbed wire, and we were stuck smack dab in the middle. If we could figure out the motivations and the players, perhaps we would find a way out without getting caught on the barbs.

At some point, Alice grabbed a sketch pad from her room and began to jot notes as people talked. I had a feeling Jasper would turn that into a PowerPoint presentation later, replete with bubble charts. It was the way his mind worked. Emmett would tease him later, but secretly he'd be grateful. We all would be.

It wasn't easy to work through the information we'd received or to lay it out it any meaningful way. In the end, Carlisle's prediction was right. There was almost nothing we could prove; there was quite a bit we knew, and an infinite realm of possibility for what any of it meant.

Certain facts seem to rise above the rest. Bella was convinced that despite his apparent connection to James, Victoria, and Laurent, Riley was in no way involved in any plot against her, the Volturi, or anyone else. The rest of us were inclined to believe her; maybe because we wanted to believe his story as much as she did; maybe because his abstinence from humans was so rare that it just made sense. Either way, we decided that he had been as much a pawn as Bella herself. She classified it as "know;" I saw it as "think."

The potential link between James's coven and Aro was disconcerting to say the least. What kind of strings had Aro been pulling? Was Garrett also connected to Aro, or was there another unknown entity involved? We knew we had all the crucial pieces of information within reach. We could pick those pieces up and turn them around, but every time we tried to connect them, something didn't line up.

Our discussions carried on until late in the evening. A carefully constructed email was sent to the email address Bella remembered. It gave away as little as possible. We didn't know whether he was still alive or whether he would be alone while checking messages. For that matter, he might be the enemy himself.

I felt Bella sag against me. Her eyes fluttered, and she jerked herself back awake.

"You need sleep," I said. She wanted to fight me, but it was clear she didn't have the strength. "Come on, we'll get you a room."

I led her up the stairs and directed her toward Alice's room. She'd offered the bed there. Bella took one look inside and said, "This isn't your room."

"No," I acknowledged.

"Can I see your room?" she asked.

I stepped back, and pointed down the hall. We walked side by side, until we reached the door. Then she slowed to allow me to enter first. I reached in and flicked on the light. Then, I motioned for her to enter.

"You don't have a bed," she noted.

"No, I don't."

"I suppose you don't need one," she mused to herself. "But why did the other room have one?"

Her innocence touched me. "All of the couples have beds, Bella."

I shrugged slightly hoping my tone carried my meaning. Her eyes grew wider when realization hit. "Oh," she answered.

"As you said," I continued. "I never needed one. But it's okay, you can sleep in one of the other rooms."

"Not even with Tanya?" she asked defiantly, once again demonstrated the extent of her perceptiveness."You said later. It's later."

"It's late, and you should sleep."

"Some things are more important than sleep," she stated. "Edward, it's not a big deal. I have ex lovers. One of them is sleeping outside now."

"Yes, we had a relationship," I admitted slowly. "It's been over a while. It just didn't feel right to be with someone I couldn't love."

She exhaled. "There's something we have in common."

"Come on, let me take you to bed," I suggested.

"I would be more comfortable here." She looked me directly in the eye, silently telling me not to argue. "The couch is fine."

I would be lying if I tried to say that didn't please me.

I excused myself to get the pillows and blankets from the hall closet. I'd never understood why they were there. Esme always stocked our house as if it were any normal home. I was grateful for it, regardless.

She lay down on the makeshift bed.

"Well, goodnight," I said readying myself to let her sleep in privacy.

"Will you stay?" she asked. She seemed to experience doubt and added. "Just until I fall asleep. I mean . . . I'm sure you have plenty to do, and it would be pretty boring to stay here."

"Bella, watching you would never be boring. Of course I'll stay."

I took a few steps back toward her. I sat down on the end of the couch by her feet. She stretched her legs out and rested her feet on my lap. "Is this okay?" she wondered.

"Yes," I answered, picking up a foot and massaging it gently. It was all so exceptionally ordinary and infinitely extraordinary at the same time.

"This is all so weird. I still can't believe I'm here," Bella whispered after a period of quiet contemplation.

"It must be very uncomfortable for you."

"That's the strangest part." She pulled her legs back so she could sit up a bit on the arm of the couch. "It's not really. In some ways I feel more comfortable here than I ever have before. It's almost like I was always supposed to be here. Like I fit. I've never had that before. "

I pondered that thought. I considered again the possibility of her by my side, as an equal. All the years of resisting it suddenly seemed so ridiculous.

"Would you want to stay here permanently?" I tried to keep my inflection flat. I knew she was perceptive enough to get my meaning, but I couldn't ask the direct question.

"I'm not sure," she dragged out each word as if waiting for the answer to come somewhere in the middle. "I used to want that, more than anything. Well, you read. You know. Mostly, I just wanted to be with you, whatever it took. That's what I wanted."

I drew a ragged breath. "And then?"

"Like I said in the blog, delving into the reality made me wonder about the downsides. And then . . . well . . . seeing the other side, the other kind of . . . vampire. Well, how do you know which one you'll become?"

I reached toward her and touched her cheek in my hands. "It is up to the individual to decide, Bella. We may be more instinctual, but we still have free will."

She leaned into my hand. "It still feels amazing when you touch me."

"I feel the same way."

Our eyes locked for an instant, and then she looked down at her lap. "You really love me, Edward?"

"I really love you, Bella."

She sighed. "I don't' know what to do with that right now."

"I understand." And I did. But I knew what I wanted her to do with it.

"I mean . . . a part of me just wants to ask you to kiss me, but I know if I do that I won't stop, and I'm not sure that's a good idea right now." Her honesty was both refreshing and painful. I didn't want to stop with her foot either. "I think. Well, I know that I love you too, you know. But sometimes I worry that I don't know you at all, and I'm only in love with the you that I created in my head after all these years. After all, we only spent a few weeks together. Maybe the guy in my head isn't really you but just a figment of my imagination." How can we know that it's love?

"I _know_." I answered. "But I see what you mean. Maybe you could tell me about this guy. Pretend it's not me. Tell me who he is."

She smiled, contemplating the thought.

"Well . . . he's interesting," she began slowly. She spoke quietly as she seemed to stare at the picture in her mind, trying to find the right words to describe the image there. "He's kind of a broody boy."

"Broody?" I questioned. "I don't think that I'm . . ."

"Yes, broody," she answered definitively, cutting me off in the process. "Let me finish telling you about this boy. It was your idea."

"Fine," I said defensively.

"Like I said, he's broody, maybe a bit self important and controlling too." She was picking at the blanket. I'm sure I grimaced.

"He sounds like a winner," I teased.

"Well you see, that's the thing. He also makes me laugh. I remember the time we spent in the library, and we talked about everything. We laughed a lot. I felt more connected to him than I have anyone else in my life. Ever. And when he touches me, every single part of me comes alive."

I seized the opportunity and let me fingers dig deeper into her heel.

"And when we made love, I felt like I climbed inside his soul."

I inhaled just to let her envelop me entirely in that moment.

"But I wonder whether that was really him. The things we talked about, the way we were. Did they matter? Was he lying about that too?"

"He lied to you a lot. But I bet there were things he held sacred; things he tried very hard to make sure were always real."

"I hope so," she said softly.

"Bella, I don't know what comes next any more than you do. Our future may be very short. I only know that I want you as a part of that future no matter the length, no matter what form you may or may not take."

"Would it all be easier if I were . . . like you?"

"I don't think it's that simple."

"It would be easier to protect me."

"Maybe, but it's complicated. For one, newborns are unpredictable, and we would have to worry about keeping you contained. But also, it would break the treaty we have with the Quileutes, and that would create a whole other set of issues. Besides, you don't want that." I said it as more of a question.

"I don't know what I want, Edward." She yawned. I patted her legs.

"Sleep, Bella. We'll figure it all out."

"I changed my mind about something," she said suddenly.

I looked at her and waited.

"I think I would like to kiss you after all."

**E/N: Pay very close attention to Eleazar's theories; he's a very perceptive man. He's given answers and foreshadowed important elements of what they are dealing with.**

**Edward and Bella jumped leaps and bounds in this chapter. There is a glimmer of hope for those of you who could not see an HEA.**

**Next up is another blog, and then we're looking at 2 action packed chapters following that as everything comes to a head.**

**Thanks as always to hmonster4, beta extraorinaire. Thanks to staceygirl aka jackbauer and daisy3853 for the pre-read this week.**

**I need to offer special love and gratitude to Jennde, who rec'd Rabbit Hole on the Perv Pack Smut Shack's lemon shot series this week. http://www (dot) pervpackssmutshack (dot) com/2009/10/jennde-wants-you-to-explore-rabbit-hole (dot) html Be sure to check out Finding Home and her super emotional one shot, Unplanned.**


	29. Bella's Blog July 5, 2008

**A/N: The characters are not mine.**

**Bella's Bloodsucking Blog**

**July 5****th****, 2008**

Debunk A Myth Day

There are so many common misconceptions about vampires which makes sense really. Why wouldn't they hide the truth? The lore of popular culture protects them. So, my second entry here is going to take on a popular belief.

**Myth #1: Vampires sleep in coffins. **

**My assessment: False**

**Degree of certainty: 80%**

In my years of research and now my direct contact with them, I have become convinced that vampires don't sleep at all.

It doesn't take but a few Google strokes to know that most people attribute the iconic work of Bram Stoker and the 1931 movie _Dracula_ with the association of vampires to coffins. At least that solidified it. Historically, there was some connection between the undead and the ritual of the dead. I have done so much reading on the subject, but I'm not going to get into all of the details here. I have a links page that will direct you to more information if you are so inclined. I assume that the majority of you who made it this far have some interest in the vampire world and probably know as much, if not more, than I do on the general history. So, I'm going to focus on the myth itself. That's the only real new information I have to offer.

Why has this myth remained so prominent? I'm not positive about that to be honest. I think vampires themselves probably find it humorous. I would. If I didn't sleep, and everyone believed I was in a weakened state from up to sun down and if they could just find my coffin, they'd be able to slay me easily, it would sure throw my attackers off wouldn't it? They'd constantly be seeking something that didn't exist.

It almost makes me wonder if there are vampires in the entertainment industry. Who would be more interested in proliferating the myth than the ones it benefits?

In addition to sending people off into the daylight with stakes looking for sleeping vampires, the myth serves the dual purpose of hiding the fact that vampires don't actually fry in the sun, but that's a whole other topic.

Of course, it could just be a particularly visual and fear inspiring tale. Vampires are symbolically horrific creates. Imagine the sleeping vampire in a coffin with arms crossed over his chest. How incredibly terrifying it is to approach that coffin slowly only to have the vampire rise up and come at you baring fangs. That may be where some of the religious connections come into play.. Vampires represent a concept of evil, something to thwart. It was another way to label people who were different, who didn't belong and perhaps to convince others that religion was the only way to overcome such evil.

For most humans, death is something to fear as well. I don't exactly know what I think about death at this point. I mean, I'm not ready welcome it with open arms, but I'm not really afraid of it. For me, though, it's not really about my fear of death as my unwillingness to let go of life, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I always thought it was funny how in history, even those most directly connected to the church were terrified of undead beings, fearing an attack though they believed in an afterlife.

I imagine it was a combination of all of the above that led to the current state of beliefs, and in the end it doesn't really matter.

I've thought a lot about the concept of being eternally awake. What would that mean? If you don't need sleep, your body doesn't need repair, which, in turn, means you don't get tired. Ever.

Now that is a concept. Think of everything we could accomplish if we didn't have to sleep, or rest, or stop at all. Anything we chose to do we could literally do indefinitely if we so choose. How many books could you read? How many houses could you build? How many road trips could you take? How much sex could you have? How much life could you take?

For years, I thirsted for this one. Not needing to sleep would be immensely useful in the human world. I can't begin to count the number of times someone said, "Oh if I only had a few more hours in the day." Imagine eight. More than that really because you'd also add all the hours of non productive time where you were just too damned tired.

And then a nagging sentiment hit me. How insanely boring would it get? Wouldn't you want to be able to shut out stimuli at some point—not because you were tired physically but because you're sick of it? Isn't there something precious about waking up and starting a new day with hope? Don't our brains just need a rest sometimes? What would it be like if you never had a natural cycle of days—each just bled to the next? I just got really tired all of a sudden, and sleep sounds so good. Yeah, I don't think I'd like never sleeping.

Perhaps, it's karmic justice in a way. If a creature is going to be granted other gifts, then there has to be a penance of sorts. Maybe not sleeping is the tradeoff for immortality, which by the way is my next blog topic.

Until then, my faithful readers . . . happy hunting!

**E/N: Thanks to all of you who are still reading and reviewing. I appreciate each and every one.** **This entry foreshadows the next chapter. There are a few very big happenings coming up. Who do we need to hear from yet? And can you guess how this one is connected to the next chapter? **

**Just a quick note. It's a busy month, and I want to post the next two chapters a little closer together, so it may go past the week mark for the next chapter.**


	30. I am not myself

**These are not my characters.**

**Chapter 19: I am not myself.**

EPOV

I would have thought nothing could have pulled me away from her.

There was a kiss. Of course there was a kiss. We were both conscious of the craziness of the situation. And the newness of our honesty.

If it was possible, it made the kiss more powerful than any connection we'd had to date. It didn't seem like it should have been possible given what we'd already shared, but somehow it was. One soft brush of our lips against each other sealed us. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. We were linked forever, alive, dead, vampire, human. It didn't matter. When I pulled back, I saw in her overwhelmed expression that she felt it too. Neither of us viewed words as a necessity in that moment. I stroked her cheek until she began to drift out of consciousness.

She fell asleep easily. I didn't leave.

She dreamed about me. I smiled, and I laughed, but I didn't leave.

She cycled through sleep. I didn't leave.

Alice had a vision. So, I pulled myself away resentfully.

By then, Felix and Demetri had gone hunting. Letting them go alone was not a decision taken lightly. None of us wanted to tag along. Being that close to human hunting would have been difficult; most of us could have handled it, but emotionally, it would have been awful. Logically, I should have gone since I would probably bear witness anyway through their thoughts up on return, but I was with Bella and really, that was where I needed to be.

We'd informed Jake, Seth, and Leah about the situation. We had to. There was a lot to coordinate in our own hunting habits. With more vampires around as well as Leah's refusal to eat any human food we provided her, we had to spread our hunting region; we had to develop a pattern that worked for everyone. But we also informed the wolves that we couldn't prevent Felix and Demetri from hunting humans; we could only direct them to stay away from Forks and La Push. Carlisle had actually offered a very tentative suggestion that if they wanted to try to hunt animals while in the area, he was sure any one of us would be willing to help them find a good choice.

They both scoffed at the idea, of course.

Having witnessed Alice's vision as it happened, I waited until she had finished explaining before I entered the room. A flurry of questions filled the air.

"So they're coming here?" Jasper asked.

"How long do we have?" Tanya added.

"I'm not sure," Alice admitted. She was flipping back through her mind, trying to remember some detail that would lead her to a date.

"A couple of weeks," I interjected. Her eyes sought mine.

"Carlisle was reading a newspaper in the first scene," I said. "It was the twentieth of June. It wasn't clear how long after that it was before the Volturi showed up, but not long." I had noticed the date for obvious reasons. In the midst of the chaos everyone had forgotten how close my birthday was.

"That's not much time," Emmett stated.

"It's longer than I would have expected," Eleazar said honestly.

"Me too," I agreed. "I wonder why the delay."

"It was all of them?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes," Alice confirmed. "The thirty two members of the guard, the leaders, and the two wives."

Esme brought her hand to her mouth which was shaped in a perfect "o" surprise. The idea of so many vampires here in Forks was troubling, not just for her own family and her close friends but for the entire community. She volunteered at the Rotary Gardens with many of them. Carlisle had operated on a fair number of the Forks residents as well.

Still, we'd always known it was a possibility. The question was: what was the best way to prepare, not to defend ourselves, but to protect the good people in the community?

We began the discussions immediately. Much like the earlier conversations, we were animated, but respectful. We deferred to our patriarchs who were the most knowledgeable and thoughtful among us, but we also afforded Jasper an attentive ear. His knowledge of war strategy and formation could definitely come in handy.

The only lull in the conversation came when Demetri and Felix returned some hours later. The quiet came quickly. I saw through Felix that they had both taken one human life that night. What I found unusual was that their victims had been residents of nursing home. Neither would likely have made it another week at most.

My eyes narrowed toward them. This was clearly not a satisfying meal for either of them. Demetri looked toward me knowingly and shrugged. It was a compromise of sorts. A respect for our beliefs about humanity.

I nodded toward Demetri, offering him a hint of gratitude.

We filled them in on Alice's vision. Their reactions were stoic. This was one moment of truth. Not a definitive one, but one of many. Could we trust them? The Denali clan had said nothing about Felix and Demetri from the time they arrived, but I was sure they had the same doubts we all did.

I was nearly convinced of their commitment to the cause. There had not been a single errant thought. Not even a glance of something untoward in their minds. I wanted to believe that meant I could trust them.

In the silence that followed, everyone else wondered what Felix and Demetri were thinking. I asked on their behalf.

"Do you plan to stay?"

They were taken off guard by the question.

"Of course," Demetri said. "We are as much a part of this as you. Ultimately, more than most of you. You are all gathered here because of us are you not? You would have gone a different direction if we hadn't pulled you in. We're seeing this through to the end. No matter the result. I told you that already."

It was an open invitation in that moment. It would have been a chance for either of them to envision alternative endings I couldn't possibly imagine. But nothing came.

"What about you?" Felix asked Eleazar. "You all don't need to stay."

"I cannot speak for the others, only for myself, but I'm yet ready to leave though I cannot commit myself to be here when the Volturi come until the plan is clearer."

"I don't know yet either," Tanya added. She looked toward my family. "You are my friends, and I would stay to be a witness that you have done nothing to warrant death, but I don't know how far I'm willing to take it. I'm willing to stay to help figure out a way to keep you safe, but I can't offer promises. I don't think I'm prepared for a war."

"We understand, Tanya," Esme said with a faltering smile. She glanced toward Rosalie. "For that matter, we haven't necessarily all come to agreement ourselves have we?"

"I don't expect anything from any of you," I said slightly defensively. I hadn't wanted to bring anyone into it. The Denali group had come of their own accord; I'd only wanted to speak to Eleazar.

Rosalie threw her hands up and shifted her weight on her hips absent mindedly. "Well it seems to me we're in it whether we want to be or not. I just don't think I need to be all that happy about it. I'm not going anywhere, but I'm also not willing to just lay here in wait. If we have the advantage of knowing they are coming, we better not plan to sit here staring at each other between now and then. I mean, why would we even stay here? If you know the bad guys are coming weeks in advance, wouldn't it make sense to leave?"

There was a hush in the room. It was crazy. We couldn't evade the entire Volturi guard indefinitely. At the same time, she had an incredibly valid point. We couldn't knowingly become sitting ducks. We weren't that stupid. Everyone knew that, but no one had an answer.

"What do we really think their goal is?" Kate asked. "What are they hoping to gain?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure there is one goal. I really think we may be facing multiple interests," Eleazar answered.

"We have a pretty major advantage here," Jasper began. "We need to figure out the best way to use it. They may have size, but we have surprise. We have Alice."

Alice smiled at him appreciatively.

"Could we get enough of us together before then? It's two weeks," Emmett suggested.

"Possibly," Carlise considered. "But we'd need to know why we were bringing them together, what we intended to happen. And we don't really know that we'd be able to trust anyone at this point. It would be very problematic to bring the wrong people here."

It went on like this for hours. We began to make more lists—those we could call; those we'd have to seek out; what our arguments would be.

We checked messages for any word from Garrett , but there was nothing.

I slipped away quietly near dawn so I could be there when Bella woke up. She hadn't moved all night. She was still curled up in a little ball, her covers trucked up under her chin. I slid into the bed next to her and waited.

The sun filtered in through the window and illuminated us both. I was mesmerized watching our skin next to each other, my inhuman sparking, her overly human fragility. How could these two things possibly go to together? We'd come so far, been through so much. Yet for what it was all worth, we were still so different.

Everything shifted, and I heard her eye lids flutter.

She gave a little groan, and shot them open. When she saw me she closed them again. "You're here," her voice cracked.

"Yes, do you want me to leave?"

"No. yes. No." she said in quick succession. "It's just that. It's morning, and you look the same. I look. Well, human."

"You look amazing to me." I put my hand on her cheek to try to reassure her.

"Stop," she said lightly slapping her hand on my arm. She instantly recoiled "Ouch, why do I always forget that it hurts me more?"

"You'll learn," I chucked. Somehow the implication of time quieted us both.

"I'll be back." She sat up and swung her legs off the side of the couch. She was about to stand when a thought apparently hit her. "Where's my bag?"

"It's in there in already. But Esme wants to know what else you need. You should make a list, and we'll get it."

She ran her hands through her hair and sighed. "I can't leave can I?"

"Not unless you want your dad to know you're in town."

"I don't know. That doesn't seem like a very good idea right now, does it?"

I shrugged. At this point, given everything we had going on, logic and emotion were fighting in me all the time. Did it make sense for her to see her dad? No. But if she wanted to, then I would make it happen. I would make anything happen for her.

To her credit, she didn't let the thoughts consume her. It was what it was.

"I'm going to get dressed, but then I'd like to go see Jake and the others," she said.

"They're making you breakfast now, and they're wondering whether you prefer eggs or pancakes."

The idea of them clambering around the kitchen added a much needed levity to my morning.

"Oh," she smiled. "Um, eggs, I guess or just whatever."

It wouldn't have mattered where I was in the house, I would have been in tune to everything she did. I tried not to listen to her brush her teeth for example, and I especially didn't want to hear the water hit her body in the shower. It didn't do me any good to consider the fact that she was naked in the next room. I had to avoid considering the drops of water trickling down her back or envisioning her head tilted back to rinse her hair, her chest lifted up in result.

I tried. I really did, but it just wasn't possible.

She hurried through her breakfast, anxious to see her other friends. The house was quieter. Everyone scattered to different corners. It wasn't that they weren't thinking about the Volturi; they were just finding their own peace with whatever might happen, in their own way.

"_Carlisle and the boys went hunting,"_ Esme thought. "_He was going to tell Jake you're on your way. And offer them some clothes."_

She also forced Bella to jot down a few things she needed even though Bella insisted she didn't want anything. I wasn't sure why the list was important. Knowing the women in my family like I did, they would buy one of everything anyway.

Jacob, Leah, and Seth set up a camp about a half a mile away from the house, still well inside our treaty line. Bella insisted on walking there, and her pace felt painfully slow.

The wolves were aware of all the information we had since Carlisle had just visited them, and they, too, were trying to figure out what to do with it.

"We have to tell Sam and the others," Seth argued.

"Yeah, I guess we do," Jacob agreed. Leah didn't respond, but even she couldn't deny that if the Volturi were coming here, the pack deserved to know. Things could get ugly very quickly.

"Why can't you all just run away?" Leah asked. In her head she added that the stupid vampire army would never even know they existed that way. I was struck that she was the one to ask, solidifying the correlations between her and Rosalie. People could mistake them both as selfish, bitchy, I'd known before that Rosalie's primary concern was never herself—it was Emmett. I knew now that Leah was more worried about Seth and her mom and had barely considered her own fate.

"Because we'd always be running," I answered. "They may have another tracker in their midst now, and there are so many of them. They still have the power. Someone would give us away. It would be inevitable."

Bella looked down at the ground. I understood her guilt better than anyone; we were the cause no matter how you looked at it.

On our way back to the house, she was quiet. I allowed her to set the pace.

About halfway there, she took a deep breath and leaned up against a tree. She let her head rest on the rough bark. "Sometimes I still think we should just go to Italy by ourselves."

I nodded. I wondered the same thing.

"You really don't think it would work?"

"No, I really don't. Especially now. We've done too much planning. All Aro would need is one touch and he would know everything about what happened here. That would be grounds for execution, for all of them."

"Yeah, I know. I just hate this. I don't even know your family that well, but they've been so nice to me." She pulled at a piece of bark on the tree. She tilted her head in the direction we'd come from. "And they don't deserve to be involved in any of this."

"I know. I wish I had answers." I wanted more than anything to protect her, not just from the Volturi but from her own guilt.

She stepped away from the tree. I reached my hand out to her. She looked at it for a second. I assumed she was deciding whether or not to accept it. Instead, she lifted her gaze to my face, smiled, and held her arms out wide. I saw on her face what I couldn't hear in her mind. Her stance, her gesture. They said the same thing. I am here. I am yours.

I took the invitation, moving swiftly into her arms, letting her take me, answering her claim. I was hers too.

This kiss was not as simple as the one the night before. It conveyed more; it felt heavy and light, sweet and rough, love and lust all wrapped up in one great big contradiction that had always been our relationship. The difference was, suddenly, it all made sense.

In those minutes, we were innocent again. Neither the past nor the future mattered as much as what we had in that moment with hands entwined in hair and bodies melding into each other.

It was to be a monumental day. Things were about to happen that would change our course. Revelations, allies, and interference.

In some ways though, that kiss remained the most significant thing, the memory I cherish most.

The first event was a revelation. And it was Bella's.

We returned to the house to find the discussion ongoing. No one had left yet; things were somewhat heated about who to contact. Carlisle continued to insist that we needed to be certain we could trust anyone who be invited here. We'd have more enemies if they turned sides.

As the conflict waged, Bella suddenly cleared her throat. "Um, this might sound really stupid but what if we went there?"

"Bella, we just talked about this," I sighed.

"No, not you and me. I mean, everyone. We're all here waiting for them to come to us. They don't have someone who can see the future right? Wouldn't that give the true element of surprise?"

"It wouldn't work," Carlisle began. "We're outnumbered."

"Are we?" Demetri asked sitting up straighter. He was intrigued by this idea. "If you do a straight count, yes, but we know not everyone is loyal. And if Eleazar is right, then the Volturi themselves are split."

"I don't know," Eleazar cautioned. "It's awfully risky." His statement implied what had already been acknowledged. No one else was 100% committed. Going to Volterra was absolutely a commitment.

"Would you be able to work on a list? Those who want out? Best guesses on who would support who if Aro and Marcus are split?" I asked.

Demetri looked to Felix who shrugged. "It would only be a guess."

"An informed guess," I added.

I wasn't entirely sold on the idea. It was possible I was exploring it merely because Bella had been the one to suggest it. It may also have been my willingness to grasp at anything that might give us an advantage.

That was when I realized that the circumstances were awful, but for the first time in as long as I could remember, I was happy. I almost failed to recognize the emotion. In the end it was probably to blame for my lack of diligence.

Those of us most familiar with Volterra began examining the best way to approach the city. Jasper had created a diagram of the city walls and, with the help of Felix and Demetri, had constructed a rough map of the underground tunnels.

Some of our contacts were starting to connect with us. We heard from a few of Carlisle's nomadic friends and a coven in Ireland he'd known well. Jasper's friends Peter and Charlotte called as well. Everyone was still very cryptic and uncertain. No one gave up any information that we didn't already have. We didn't reveal the details of our predicament either. It wouldn't have been wise to tip our hand, especially now that we had a plan, so we had simply put out the feelers.

The unrecognized number wasn't surprising, then.

"May I speak with Bella?"

"Who is this?'

"I'm a friend."

"You're crazy if you think I'm handing over the phone without identification."

"You must be Edward," the man laughed.

"And you are?" I reiterated.

"Oh I think you can figure that out."

"Garrett?" I assumed.

"Of course."

"Where the hell are you? We've been trying to get a hold of you."

"I've been detained, but I am, in fact, on my way. I can be there tonight."

"Do you need directions?"

"Hardly, I've always known where to find you. I just wanted to give you all fair warning, so you didn't sic the dogs on me."

He knew more than I was comfortable with him knowing, since I still didn't know whether he was trustworthy. He may have saved Bella, but his motivation was questionable.

"Are you alone?"

"Yes," he answered. He must have anticipated my thoughts. "I'm coming with or without an invitation. You need me whether you want me or not. Now, may I please speak with Bella."

Reluctantly, I handed her the phone. The relief on her face when she heard his voice was instantaneous. "You're okay?"

"I am." I heard him say. "I'm so sorry about Riley, B."

"It was awful."

"I know. I messed up on that. But I'll tell you more when I get there, okay? Are they treating you alright?"

"Yes, of course."

"Is he?"

"He's been perfect, Garrett." She bit her lip and looked at me. She must have assumed I heard the conversation.

"Be careful, B. I just don't want him to break your heart again." I closed my eyes and exhaled. He didn't say anything untrue; his warning was one any friend would give. As much as I hated what I had done to her, the idea that I'd left her ripe for another predator disgusted me.

"Just get here okay? You'll see for yourself." She shot me an assuring glance.

"Not long kiddo. I'm trying."

Everything went into over drive when she hung up.

In the short period we had all been in the same house, there had been so many warnings that I know I should have been more prepared, more aware. Perhaps, we had all just become too comfortable with the situation. We were caught up in planning. There was even laughter as we talked about the most imminent threats. We were oddly upbeat about our chances. It seemed everyone was committed to seeing things through. We began to think we actually had a shot at coming out of this all unscathed. Though he was a wildcard, Garrett's impending arrival carried with it the potential for some key information that would help us put all the pieces together.

Beyond the frenzy of activity and discussion and my decidedly upbeat state, it was just such a completely innocent action. No human would have thought twice about it. Bella had been picking at her hands. She was pushing back the cuticles mindlessly as she listened t our discussion. When she got to her fourth finger, she noticed a tiny hangnail.

Jasper called me over to the computer to look at some ideas he had for approaching the wall. I had leaned over his shoulder when I when I smelled it.

Bella had pulled on that tiny bit of skin. More came off than expected. The bit of blood pooled around her fingernail.

She barely had time to utter, "Shit" before Demetri was at her throat. He reacted instinctually with no warning thoughts until he was already on the move. I was on top of him almost simultaneously. It was a mad rush as everyone else reacted. Bella screamed; her hands had flown to her face which gave Demetri easy access to her finger. But he ignored that small drop that had already almost dried in a perfect frame around her short nail. It wouldn't have been enough for him in that moment.

With Alice, Esme, Rosalie, Tanya and Irina off shopping, Carlisle working at the hospital, Eleazar and Carmen hunting, and Felix and Jasper quickly exiting the scene to avoid their own bloodlust, Emmett, Kate, and I were the only ones left to deal with Demetri.

I was the first there because I was the fastest, but I wasn't strong enough. I knew immediately I had failed Bella once again. I heard the tear of flesh, I smelled the fresh flow of blood.

It was a matter of seconds before the three of us managed to pull Demetri from her trembling body. It was a few too many seconds because the blood dripped freely from Bella's jugular where Demetri had punctured it.

There was yelling and screaming all around me. The wolves must have heard Bella's initial piercing call because I heard the growling ensuing behind me as I placed as much pressure as I could without breaking her neck. It was incredibly difficult to find that balance.

Her mouth was slightly ajar and her eyes were wide, but I could see the color slipping. Blood covered my hands. I wanted it. I wanted to slip my hand off and dip my face into that dark rich liquid. I could imagine the cooling sensation as it put out the fire raging in my throat.

But I could see death lurking behind her eyes, and I was resolved that she would not meet that fate. Not now. Not yet. Not while there was still hope.

I didn't know what was happening around me. Suddenly I was acutely aware that everyone but the wolves had left the room. I heard Kate call out, apologizing. It was simply too much blood.

Several thoughts meshed together and they all seemed to be asking

"Do you need help?"

"Yes, I need Carlisle," I called out.

"He just pulled into the driveway," Emmett answered.

My head whipped in the direction of the door.

"I guess Alice called him." That was when I heard Carlisle's voice. _"Pinch the vein," _he repeated over and over.

"Edward, you have the vein?" He said as he joined me at Bella's side.

I nodded.

"I have a clamp here. We're going to have to do this quickly."

It had all happened so fast, a matter of a minute or so. It wasn't until then that I noticed Bella had begun to grip my arm tightly and her expression had changed from fear to anguish.

The burning had begun.

I already knew what Carlisle was telling me. It was too late to do anything but keep her from bleeding out before the venom took over. Once he stopped the bleeding, we could potentially speed the process with the introduction of more venom. I heard him assess the blood loss. He'd wondered if it was possible to suck the venom back out, but there was simply too much lost already. It would be too big of a risk.

"You did well, Edward," He must have seen the pain on my face. "She could have bled out in a minute if you hadn't acted so quickly."

"I was still too late," I lamented.

"Too late?" Jake asked. "Is she going to . . . ?"

"She's not dying, Jacob," I answered harshly. But I turned to look back into Bella's eyes. "Unless. Well . . . do you understand what's happening, Bella?"

She squeezed my hand. "Yes," she whispered though it was weak and shaky.

"Do you want this?" I looked directly in her eyes. If I saw the doubt, I would remove the clamp. It would kill me, but then I was probably already headed there anyway. If she didn't want this, I would not force it on her.

"She's going to be one of you?" Jake asked. His tone was shocked. I heard the disgust, but I also noticed the panic. He was so conflicted. I completely understood.

I watched her eyes narrow.

"Yes," she said again, but she didn't look at Jake; she looked at me. Her eyes filled with tears, and she tried to blink them away. Her eyes fluttered, and it was clear the pain was getting to her.

Carlisle nudged me. I moved quickly to a few non arterial pressure points, hoping to increase the flow of venom. Not that I was anxious for the pain to overtake her, but it might begin the healing process sooner. I licked each wound to seal the venom. Then I held her.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I can't fix it. I know you needed more time to decide. I'm so sorry." She was slipping toward unconsciousness, falling into the fire. "I'm going to be here when you wake up. I'm never leaving."

I alternated between singing and humming and softly reminding her how much I loved her.

I didn't care about Demetri's apology or Jake's concerns about the treaty. I put everything out of my mind except seeing her through the transition.

I knew they tried to talk to me. I didn't pay attention.

The first thing I recall hearing was the cocky voice from the phone. "Holy hell, Edward, what have you done?"

**E/N: Whew. So there it is. She will be a vamp. The cocky voice from the phone has arrived. What in the world does he have to say? Whose side is he on? Would you trust Garrett? And going to Italy to ambush the Volturi? Good idea or not?**

**I've said it before. I have the best reviewers. You are all smart and perceptive, and I love what you have to say. I don't like to beg, but I'm so close to breaking that 2K mark. I would love to have it happen on this chapter. So, if you could take the time to hit that lovely little review button, I would be eternally grateful. **

**Don't forget to check the auctions for thefandomgivesback. There are great author auctions as well as plenty of fabulous items.**

**I know everyone will be busy with New Moon festivities this week, as will I. Meeting up with my lifemate, Hmonster4 (thanks for betaing!) and my good buddies Daisy3853, Jackbauer aka staceygirl (thanks for pre-read!), and LiketoRead (hoping she'll join the fun). So next chapter probably will be a week away when things calm down. Enjoy the show!**


	31. Changed in the Night

**I don't own these characters.**

_Chapter 20: Changed in the Night_

_EPOV_

Logically, I knew Bella's transformation was about to change everything. Newborns were an unknown commodity. Many awoke with little to no memory of their previous life. They could get some of it back if there were someone around to give the reminders, which we had that in our favor. They needed so much tending and training. She wouldn't be able to be around humans which was going to make it virtually impossible for her to go to Volterra. Could we get Bella to Italy without encountering any humans? Possibly, thought it was complicated. I could fly, but I didn't really like the idea of leaving a newborn Bella in the back of the plane while I flew.

Beyond the bloodlust, there was more to it. They didn't know their strength or have any sense of immediate identity. There was a reason we called them newborns. They couldn't be left alone, and they didn't do what you wanted them to. One felt deprived, not of sleep in our case, but of normalcy I suppose.

On the other hand, if she didn't go, what was the alternative? Leave her here by herself? Leave someone here to guard her? I started to think it we simply had to find a way to bring her along if we were going to go.

Plenty of other things would change as well. Our relationship, for example. It had been tenuous at best, newborn in its own right. Fragile and flailing at the same time. What would it be now?

If she was conscious of her previous life instantly, how would she feel? She had no opportunity to see her family one last time, or to wrap up her affairs. Admittedly, she'd probably already come to terms with much of that when she saw Riley destroyed, but she would have to mourn it all over again.

I was dealing with my own sense of failure. Garrett's words clung to me. What had I done, indeed? My family knew me all too well. Esme and Carlisle, especially, kept reminding me that it wasn't my fault. Logically, I knew it wasn't anyone's fault really. Not even Demetri's. I understood that it took years; decades even, to build the kind of tolerance to the close proximity of human blood that would have been required to avoid an attack. I also understood that I moved as fast as I could, and if I couldn't get there in time, no one could have. Ultimately, I could also accept that Bella's transformation was probably an inevitability.

We moved Bella up to my room, where I sat vigil. There was nothing I could for her but be there. I could listen to the whimpers and the cries and eventually the screams. I could hold her hand, I could kiss her forehead, and I could whisper in her ear.

Jacob, Leah, and Seth were having a very difficult time with it all, each for different reasons. Jacob was upset over what he perceived to be the loss of a friend. Leah was pissed that another bloodsucker existed, and Seth worried about how this would all play out with the rest of the pack. He had no regrets about leaving the others on principle, but he remained hopeful that the pack would someday be harmonious again. Even if they never reunited, he hoped for that civility.

The first thing I noticed about Garrett I didn't get from his mind or from my own vision. I was too focused on Bella to really see anything about anyone. It was everyone else's reaction that stuck out. "_His eyes aren't red_," they thought. ""_What an odd color_," they observed.

The hue was hard to describe, though we'd all seen something similar. The red wasn't gone, but it was fading, giving way to something lighter, something more human.

Kate was the first one to call it out. "So, short supply of humans lately?"

Garrett laughed at her audacity.

"You're a feisty one," he teased. "If you must know, I've been on the run for a bit, and at first it was a convenience thing. I was in some fairly remote areas, and it was simply easier to try a bear than to seek out humans. I didn't' find it completely revolting, and it may have triggered some curiosity. So, now I'm just kind of trying it out."

"Just for fun huh?"

"Just to prove I can," he smirked.

She raised an eyebrow at him, but the corners of her mouth also slid into a smile.

It wasn't until we got Bella settled in my room that they got to the task of getting information from him. He was cautious. He said he wanted to get to know the place better. He wondered if there were really werewolves around; he asked Demetri and Felix more about the Volturi.

He was holding back from them, and I was the only one who knew it. I didn't get all the details, but I knew enough. He genuinely cared about Bella. He insisted on hearing the full story of the bite before he would give up any information. He was concerned about how she was going to feel when she woke up. His next stall tactic was that he wanted to see her again before telling the rest of his story.

Obviously, I knew he was coming, and I could hear both his steps and his thoughts as they approached. He didn't need to announce his presence. They all heard the sounds she was making; they all knew the pain she was in, so when he asked, "How's she doing?" I didn't feel the need to respond.

"You don't trust me," he stated.

"Likewise," I answered.

"Touché," he retorted. "But then I don't trust anyone. You do."

"Maybe I'm learning not to."

"No, you can claim to be a monster all you want, but you're really just a good kid."

"I'm hardly a kid," I scoffed. It was typical of vampires to use their both their human and vampire years as a sign of their wisdom.

"Of course," he said with a bemused expression.

There was no place to sit in the room. Bella's head rested in my lap, but she was otherwise outstretched on the couch. He might have tried to come closer, but given her proximity to me he simply stepped into the room and stood a few feet away. It was also a power move on his part. He was just as comfortable standing, and in that position, he towered above me; my vulnerability was evident as I held her still semi-fragile head. The transformation wasn't complete. She would be easier to destroy in her current state. I wouldn't let anyone near her without a fight.

"You think I set her up?"

"You didn't?"

"Not like you think," he claimed.

"What do I think?"

"You think I'm the bad guy."

"I thought I was the mind reader," I argued.

"You don't know everything, Edward."

"Then enlighten me."

Garrett inhaled needlessly and knelt down in front of us, in front of her. He touched her hand. He was only thinking about her and the first time he met her. I saw the image of her playing out in his mind. She was so damn feisty . . . and naïve. I remembered her in the hall way at Forks High school with her fists balled and her legs spread, the same stance she had when I saw her in the woods. It was similar when she met Garrett, though I saw something there that I'd never witnessed personally. She'd been scared. Most people wouldn't have noticed it, but her eyes weren't as fixed, and her hand twitched in his memory.

"I have never lived as close to humans as you have, at least not for a prolonged period of time," Garrett began. "So, I suppose I've never felt emotionally connected to any of them."

"I never did either," I admitted. "Bella is special."

"That she is."

"Is that why you saved her that night?"

"I never intended to hurt her, but I certainly wasn't going to let that little shit have his way with her. Stepping in complicated things, but I have no regrets about it."

"Stop talking in circles or stop hiding your thoughts. I don't care which. I just want to know what's going on. "

Garrett removed his hand from Bella's arm and sat down on the floor. He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back on his elbows. It was such a relaxed pose for a tense moment.

"I guess it started a few years ago. I was really bored. It happens in cycles, you know? I got along just fine for a while twenty years or so, and then it just seems pointless. People don't really change. My life certainly never changes. I just start wondering, what's the point? Boredom usually gets me in trouble."

"I know how that goes." Maybe it was simply the consequence of loneliness.

He looked up andsmiled at my interjection.

"Yeah well, it was around that time that I ran into acquaintances of mine who went on and on about some new world order bullshit and we all better look out because the end of life as we knew it was coming. I didn't think much of it, until they mentioned the name Stefan."

My head cocked, and I heard the gasp from someone downstairs.

"Romanians," I confirmed.

"Yup, but you must have known that."

"We certainly suspected involvement."

"And?"

"We concluded they couldn't have been the instigators," I admitted.

"Because?"

I was amazed by how well he was controlling thoughts. Unlike most, he didn't have to come up with random ridiculous ideas to cover himself. When he held back this thoughts, there was just silence, just like in a conversation. I must have given him a funny look.

"I spent some years around a woman whose particular talent was detecting lies. I honed certain skills then," he said matter of factly.

"Again, I thought I was the mind reader."

"I'm just perceptive." Though he didn't hide his pat on his own back.

"I guess so. Anyway, we figured they were not known for their proactive behavior, nor were they particularly strong, so gaining a followers would be difficult."

"Well deduced."

"So there is more to the story I take it."

"Of course. I began hearing rumblings in various places. Nothing particularly solid or consistent. Some talked about a takeover. Some of it was general discontent with the Volturi. It seemed the rumors changed depending on the particularities of the region. That was a clue for me. I'd spent a fair amount of time studying revolution and propaganda use so the signs were fairly obvious to me. That was the key to the Romanian's offense. They didn't want to actually be on the front line; they just wanted to plant seeds and wait for someone else to cultivate them. I was one of many who showed up to do the dirty work."

At that point, he let his head fall back against the wall and he thought for a bit about his history, about the wars he'd seen, the people he'd been involved with, albeit peripherally.

Then like a floodgate, he just opened up. It poured out. His meeting with the Romanians. How they drew him into the fold with talk of injustice and the need for change. His desire to see that realized. He was in it for the cause, the rebellion itself. It brought him to life after years of boredom. The goal at first was simply recruitment. Bella's blog presented an opportunity. They knew the Volturi were watching so they decided if they removed Riley, they could replace him with a contact of their own. They hoped by ramping up her information, they would attract the kind of attention that would lead to change.

I drew a circuit around Bella's face with the tips of my fingers, keeping my skin in constant contact with hers. I'd known boredom. Before Bella, it was all I knew. I could empathize with falling into something unexpected, finding the one thing that made it all seem purposeful again. I understood letting that one thing take you places you shouldn't go, believe things you shouldn't believe. I alternated looking at Bella and watching Garrett. The more I watched him, the more I realized how remarkably humanlike he was something I rarely saw in those who drank human blood; they took on a very different tenor over the years.

When they didn't have to consider how humans reacted to them, they tended to be less fluid in movements; they didn't have the little ticks and habits humans developed just to offset physical needs. When Bella was cold, for example, she tended to hug herself tightly. Vampires didn't do that. I noticed Jake had a tendency to shove his hands in his pockets when he was nervous, clearly not knowing what to do with this hands. Vampires didn't get nervous in that way. They didn't have adrenaline to make them shake or blood to heat up their cheeks. The more you were away from it, the more you forgot those little things, the less it mattered.

Garrett was different. He looked like a man. If his eyes weren't the odd color they were, I could forget what he was. What we were. I looked down at Bella whose face was contorted in pain, though oddly silent. I shifted, and I felt the button in my pocket.

We were all vampires now. I remembered the girl I'd saved so many years ago. She was likely long gone from this earth, but it was for her. All of this. There was protecting Bella, which took on a new meaning now, but I realized maybe for the first time, that it went beyond me and my needs. It's about what kind of species we were and could be. It was about being right. I had given very little thought to the vampire world as a whole. That thought now both embarrassed and angered me. I wondered how we could have lived so long the way we did, knowing what we knew without ever questioning whether we could have a broader impact. Could we show others how to avoid drinking from humans?

I had reservations about how much Carlisle knew but hadn't told us. Has he tried before? Had we all just assumed there was nothing we could do? Had we simply given up? Or we were too selfish to care?

"I said it before. I volunteered to be the one to contact Bella. I will admit my intentions were not necessarily honorable. I didn't care one way or another which way it all went. I just thought it was an interesting challenge."

"What was the goal, Garrett?" It wasn't really a question.

"I didn't know it then, but there was more than one. At the time, I thought I was a part of the inner circle. I assumed I had all the information. Now, I'm not so sure. I'd come across Stephan and Vladimir over the years, and I liked them. They complained a lot, but then again, so did I. They said they wanted to challenge the Volturi. We planned to use Bella for two reasons: to piss them off and to spread more rumors and information to those who didn't have a clue."

"It seems you succeeded."

"Depends on how you look at it, huh?" Garrett admitted letting his gaze fall on Bella. He seemed genuinely regretful in that moment.

"What about Riley?"

"Fuck," he let his head hit the wall behind him; any harder, and he probably would have left a mark. "We were just detaining him. That's what I thought. I'm pretty sure the Romanians weren't in on all that, but I'm still not entirely sure. James showed up out of the blue, said he wanted in. I never should have trusted him, but then again, I didn't really think much about it all. We knew we could use his skills."

"Bella said he used Aro's name."

"Yeah," he acknowledged.

"When did you know?"

"Just before I found her in the woods."

"How?"

"Mostly a hunch, but then someone overheard him talking in Italian. It just fit."

"Why? What the hell was Aro trying to do? If he had access to Bella then, why all the charade?"

"I don't know man. We're all confused. I still think there's more to all this than even I know."

"How much we were a part of it?" I asked.

"You, meaning?"

"My family."

"I'd like to tell you your name never came up, but it didn't take much talking with Riley or much time with Bella for us to hone in on you all. Vladmir insisted Carlisle involvement would be very influential."

"I gathered that. So, we're all part of the game too?"

"I suppose. Everyone wants you on their side, Edward."

"Hell of a way to get us there."

"I'm sorry. I really am," Garrett answered.

I stared at him a minute.

"How's your resolve?" I asked suddenly, motioning toward his eyes.

"It gets easier every day," he shrugged. "Didn't go into it thinking it would be forever, but it's kind of hard not to go there when I see that." He motioned to Bella.

She screamed shortly after. Though we knew it wasn't in response to our conversation, it felt oddly timed. The screaming carried on for several hours. Esme came and checked on us. Several others invited Garrett out hunting with them, and he slipped quietly out of the room, knowing his own limits. We all knew human interaction in this area was inevitable, and Garrett wanted to stay strong. It didn't surprise me in the least that all three Denali sisters volunteered to join the hunting party. They may hunt for blood, but they never turned down fresh meat.

They begged me to hunt, but I refused. I would go when Bella woke. I could wait for that. There was no real reason for me to be well fed. The only humans anywhere near happened to be wolves whose scent was so repulsive they'd caused a tracker to turn tail and run. I wasn't worried about my resolve in their proximity. Besides, they were staying away. I knew they were conflicted on many levels at this point. They were struggling with how to deal with the larger pack. They'd been passing general information through Billy and Sue, but this was big. A vampire bit a human. This was cause for attack. The problem was our sides were too evenly matched for a fight to do any good. So, they could try to force us out but it was unlikely to be successful. Plus, as much as they were upset, they understood that the original bite had been an accident. My aiding the process didn't really count.

So, the rest of the pack remained in the dark; the three weren't sure how to deal with anything.

Sixteen vampires was an impressive number. It didn't measure up to the thirty who remained in the Volturi guard though. They had us almost two to one. Was going to Italy really the best move? If we went, when would it happen? Could we take Bella? How could we get her there? Who else could we realistically invite without raising very large, very bright red flags?

We hoped Garrett would carry more definitive news about the enemy, but he had only confirmed what we'd already assumed. Though we were still short on a couple of major pieces: what was Aro trying to accomplish and who all had he incorporated into his fold? On the other hand, he had been the bearer of good news as well. For example, we now knew that Maria didn't appear to be a threat from any angle. Apparently, Stefan and Vladimir wanted nothing to do with her, but they'd been smart enough to send in a few spies to verify that she was basically still doing her own thing, but remained largely as unorganized as ever.

Shortly before Bella's transition was complete, we'd come to a few conclusions:

First, the Volturi were on their way. Dates were murky, but we were down to a matter of a week at most. There wasn't time to find additional allies, and frankly, we didn't feel comfortable brining anyone else into the fold without confidence in our own success. Alice had been unable to get read on the outcome, probably because no one could fully commit to any particular path.

Second, the Volturi's goal in coming was suspect. The entire guard leaving Volterra and come to the U.S. was absolutely unheard of. They clearly knew something was happening here, but how much? And how had they received their information. What was the likely outcome of that? It wasn't good. It seemed most probable that the majority would be executed for treason, conspiracy, or some other trumped up charge. On the other hand, a select few—Alice and Jasper almost certainly, likely Kate and Eleazar, and maybe me—would be highly sought after by Aro. He may very well use them to get to us.

Going to Italy was a risk, but so was staying here. Either way, we had to deal with the challenge with the added stress of a newborn.

We hoped that we could at least count on the Romanians themselves as they had been so integral in this process, but Garrett was resistant to the idea. He made two arguments: First, that they weren't the type to keep anything quiet as they liked to expose all of their escapades which could open us up to risk. The second was that they would be likely to sell us out any point they thought they could negotiate a deal with the Volturi. Basically, he didn't trust them.

This pissed me off. The Romanians were ultimately to blame for a lot of the mess we were in. They were certainly indirectly responsible for Riley's destruction. His loss had affected Bella deeply, which in turn, impacted my disposition toward them. Ultimately, it was the impetus that put all of this in motion. Without their interference, maybe things would have been different. Perhaps, my family would not have been involved.

As if sensing our urgency, Bella sped through her transition. We were expecting three full days. Our combined experience told us that was the minimum length. Though Eleazar said he'd seen plenty take longer, no one could remember anyone completing the process in fewer than seventy two. We were alerted to her impending awakening by massive fluctuations in her heart rate. It happened differently for everyone. For some, the heart went from a reliable rhythmic beating to nothing in the space of one beat. Others, like Rosalie experienced a subtle, gradual slowing until there was nothing. Bella was all over the place. The speed would spike to an all time high, slow to almost nothing, and then return to normal again.

"There is no reason to consider this abnormal, Edward," Carlisle assured me, answering an unspoken concern.

"It's like her body is fighting the transition. Maybe she's having second thoughts."

"You worry too much," Carlisle insisted.

"Yeah, well, given the circumstances, I would say there's plenty of cause."

"About some things, but not about how Bella feels for you."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. Why else would you be worried about her changing her mind."

He looked away from me, but he was pleased with himself. It was the kind of statement that might have made me take off skulking in the past. I didn't handle having the truth handed to me very well. I had a much greater concern today though. Some things were more important that my disgruntled reaction to my family's goading.

I nearly threw a sharp comment his direction, hoping draw just enough reaction to sting him, but things changed. I could feel her closer to the surface. She'd been so deep in her herself, had it not been for the beating and the breathing, I would have that she was no longer with us. When the whimpering and screaming ended, it was replaced with such a profound lack of sound or motion that I'd disallowed much talking in the area, afraid I'd miss a clue that something had gone awry.

"She's close," Carlisle announced.

"I know. I can feel it."

"Do you want me to me to leave?"

I shrugged. "It's up to you." In honesty, I was both afraid to be alone with her and scared of how she would react to me when she woke. Maybe a neutral party would be better.

One final spike of her heart rate, so incredibly fast, it seemed it was going to shoot right out of her chest. And then, that was it. It didn't' sputter; it just stopped in the middle of a beat.

In the next second, her eyes were open, and they locked on mine directly. I imagined my own heart racing in anticipation. Instead, I sighed. I could call it an exhale which would be far more appropriate, but if I'm telling the truth, it sounded a lot more like a sigh. Then I waited. Her eyes didn't quite focus on anything. They burned a bright red hue, but the real fire was in the curiosity with which she took in the ceiling and then again my face.

She made a motion to try to sit up and unaware of her own power was bolted upright and smacked me in the head in the process.

"Ouch," I yelled involuntarily.

"Oh my god, are you okay?"

It was the first thing she said upon waking up to her new life. Once the words were out her mouth, her hand instinctively went to her throat.

"Are you thirsty?"

Her eyes narrowed as she considered the question. "No, yes, I mean, I don't know. I don't sound like me."

"No, it will be different."

"But I feel like me. Do I look like me?"

"You do to me," I answered.

"Is that good?"

"It's great, Bella."

"Can I see?"

"Are you sure you want to? The eyes can be unnerving at first," I informed her.

She opened her mouth and then swallowed hard.

"Does it burn?"

"Yeah," she rasped.

"You're thirsty."

So many things flashed across her face. Fear, confusion, general uncertainty.

"If you don't want to hunt, someone could bring you something here," I suggested.

The conversation occurred with her sitting on my lap. One of her hands was against the back of the couch; the other was on my shoulder. My own were wrapped around her waist. Our faces were close enough that anything could happen, yet neither of us were bothered by the intrusion on our personal space. Bella licked her lips, and I squeezed her slightly.

"No one is talking," she said suddenly.

"What?"

"Downstairs. I hear so much breathing and shuffling, but they're not talking."

"No, they're waiting to see how you are."

"Oh."

"The heightened sense of hearing is something else that's unnerving at first."

"Yeah," she whispered.

"So, hunt?"

"Maybe."

Bella swung her legs off of me and stood up. Once again she was surprised by how fast it happened and she propelled forward with a lurch. She caught herself easily though and righted herself again.

"Wow, this is . . . different."

She's been in my lap so long that the absence of her body left my own confused and longing.

"Bella?"

She turned toward me. I was stunned by the calmness of her response. I anticipated a jitterier, emotional, and upset Bella. I expected normal newborn anxiousness.

"Yeah?" she responded.

"I'm sorry."

"Let's not do that," she said, her expression turning grave. "Not right now anyway."

"But you remember?" I pressed.

"I remember everything."

She swallowed hard again; I knew she was trying to alleviate the burn in her throat. I stood up.

"We should go. It will be better. You can focus more after you hunt." I motioned toward the door and took a few steps that direction.

She nodded, but she didn't make a move to join me.

"I'm scared, Edward."

"About what?"

"I don't know what I'm doing, and I've never . . . I've never seen anything die before other than Riley. What if I can't do it? Plus, I've heard all your stories. Once we leave this house, what if there are humans around?"

"You're not going alone."

"You'll be with me?"

"Always, Bella. Always."

She seemed comfortable with me, and when we got to the bottom of the stairs, I knew the others were waiting patiently to see if she would face them. I turned my head in the direction of the living room, but she shook her head and looked at the door. She wasn't ready for the others. That created a dilemma for me. I didn't know that I wanted to take her out hunting alone. She didn't know it yet, but she was likely faster and certainly stronger than I was. I wouldn't be able to control her if she came across a human.

"_We'll follow at a distance_," Carlisle assured me.

"_It's going to be fine_," Alice encouraged.

Though we could have flown with the wind, Bella took tentative steps out the front door into the light of day.

"How long has it been?"

"About 2 days."

"Really? That's fast isn't it?"

"Yes, very."

"Does that mean it worked okay?"

"You're perfect Bella."

She smiled weakly, not entirely convinced.

"Are the wolves still here?"

"For now," I answered. We continued to walk slowly. For us. It was a faster pace than Bella would have handled as a human, and she seemed unaware of the difference.

"Is Demetri still here?"

"Yes, unless, do you want me to send him away?"

"No," she answered shaking her head. "I just didn't know how everyone would feel." Her voice cracked on that line. "Sorry. My throat," she croaked again."

"Come on, Bella. We can move faster. Run with me."

And from the moment I said it, I knew how much was behind the statement. When she let herself take off, when she opened up letting instinct take over, I realized how much I'd wanted this. She was faster, but not by much. We still felt like equals, partners.

She took down a deer with little coaching.

It took her longer to drink than it did me. So, I was able to watch her standing above her prey. She touched the doe gently, appreciatively. I walked to her side, and took her other hand in mine. She leaned into me.

"Will you do something for me before we go back?" she asked quietly.

"Anything," I answered honestly.

"Kiss me."

"Especially that," I teased. She smiled weakly, still wrestling with her emotions, but she turned to face me. I took her face in my hands, steadying her, and me. I hesitated, giving her a chance to back out.

"What are you waiting for?"

She grabbed my hands and pulled them on them forcing me into contact with her. She stood up on tip toe but yanked me down to her simultaneously.

Her lips found mine greedily, hungrily. The tentative and hesitant movements were abandoned in favor of aggressive, wet kisses. Her tongue slid into my mouth masterfully. It was warm and captivated me. In those minutes we acknowledged everything we'd been through; she had anger, and she showed it to me. I gave some back. But the anger was only a slight piece of the emotional puzzle. We had passion and excitement and trust and even love. I didn't question it, not from either of us.

She pulled away grudgingly, licking her lips as she did.

"So, are we still going to Italy or what?"

**E/N: First off, last chapter response was so encouraging. You were amazing, and RH broke the 2K finally. I love you, love you, love you.**

**So, we get more on Garrett and his motivation. Are you inclined to trust him? What kind of control do you think Bella will have? Capable of playing a role in the upcoming conflict?**

**Next chapter is a blog, and I know some of you love them; some of you don't, but the good news is, it's the last one because it's the first one. **

**Voting is on for La Femme Noire http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/~lesfemmesnoires There are some great fics by some fabulous folks there. Check out the ones by legna989, ahizelm, and theladyingrey.**

**Finally, nominations for the Eddies and the Bellies opened today. I can think of a certain Emmett I'd like as a brother *cough* Deconstructing Dracula. Have fun nominating all your faves. Staceygirl aka Jackbauer had a a nice short fic with Good Enough.**** And many of you already read it, but I put out a little one shot recently that's kind of fun and a nice break from the heaviness of RH. It's called Just this once, and you can find it in my profile. If you like it, it might fight one of the categories.  
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	32. Bella's Inaugural Blog

**These characters aren't mine.**

_Bella's Bloodsucking Blog_

_Inaugural edition_

Some of you already know me from various conventions and internet forums. I've been circulating the interesting but slightly crazy world full of people who are passionate about vampires, and often consider themselves experts, for a long time. My theories and information about vampires are revolutionary, and it's taken years to get people to listen. Now I've been told to put up or shut up, so here I am. This is my first attempt at going fully public with my observations.

In a nutshell, here are a few of my core arguments:

Vampires and werewolves are real. (I'm on the fence about fairies and other mythological creatures, but I tend to believe that if there is evidence of one, the others are likely just as possible.)

These creatures walk among us still today. We are still prey. Many unexplained disappearances can be attributed to vampires. They drink from and kill humans. Not all vampires are evil, but I'll get into that more later.

Most popular culture lore surrounding vampires and werewolves is false. While that's probably not a surprise, what might be is that I can dispel the mythology.

Werewolves pose relatively little threat to humans and exist primarily to protect us.

This blog will cover issues of both werewolves and vampires, and you can find links to more information within these pages. I'll start with vampires because that's where I started, and honestly, that's where more of the interest is. For those of you who don't know me, let me give you a bit of my story.

I met my first vampire when I was 17. He lived in a coven with six others who all passed as humans. I spent several years with a pack of werewolves as my best friends. Werewolves are the sworn mortal enemy of vampires. They exist only because vampires do. Werewolves would be merely human if vampires were extinct.

The coven left when I became suspicious about what they were. They never came out and said that's why they left, but they were very protective of their identity, and I assume it was all connected. The werewolf pack was also fiercely protective of their secret, and I know that when they pushed me out, they had serious reservations about letting me walk away with that information. It is not my intention to tell you who they are, and I am in many ways destroying trust by posting this here, but I firmly believe that humans deserve to know what's going on around them.

Whether it was luck, benevolence, or ignorance, I did learn the truth, and I feel obligated to share it with you.

The obsession began at first sight, and was intensified at first touch. If you've ever met a vampire, you know what I am talking about. They are extraordinary creatures on every level. It is hard not to be fascinated by them. Their abilities and talents are beyond comprehension to mere humans. And their beauty is immobilizing and inspiring at the same time.

All of this. Every second of research. Every crazy criticism I receive. Every friend I've ever lost. I do because of how I felt with him. He sparked some kind of deep curiosity, a need that I've never been able to sate. I keep trying though.

Those first seven are not the only vampires I've met. I am currently in contact with one, and I still search for more. It certainly is not without threat to my personal well being. One never knows how a vampire will react. I've never really feared for my life with the ones I've met, but I suppose anything is possible. I have no power over whether I live or die. But then I've been out of control for almost eight years, ever since he left. Sometimes I feel like a toy; wind her up, and watch her go. Whatever he did to me keeps me going anyway. As a result, I've given up on any semblance of control; I spun out long ago.

I jumped into this research, this project, whatever you want to call it, with both feet. I've never looked back. Well except to analyze what I've learned. If this kills me, so be it.

I'd be dead anyway if I thought I couldn't prove his existence. Life would be pointless; I wondered for too long whether I was crazy, and now this is my way giving myself some direction.

From the moment I met him, I've been living in some kind of limbo I guess. I don't really feel part of this world anymore. How could anyone brush up with mythological creatures and go back to the mundane? It hasn't always been easy to negotiate the boundaries of these worlds, and at times I'm overwhelmed by it all, but I have come to see this as a calling of sorts. Like maybe the reason I find myself so easily enmeshed in their world is because I was meant to be the liaison between them.

So, that's a little bit about me and my history. Since most of you who are picking this up now probably already know me, I won't go into more detail now, but I'm sure snippets will come out as I go.

I plan to have updates regularly. Sometimes, it will be "Debunk a myth" day. Sometimes, I will simply present observations/findings. My research is too valuable not to be available to the public.

I invite you to join me. I welcome you on my path to bridge these worlds, to share the truth. I can't promise there won't be potholes along the way, but I believe what comes at the end will be worth the bumpy journey.

I'll be back soon to begin debunking myths and to share more of my story. In the meantime, Happy Hunting!

**E/N: Thank you all for continuing to read my little story. It's getting very close to the end now. Unless the characters start coming at me in the middle of the night with more information, there are only two chapters left, but they are very full. If life cooperates, I'll update twice next week. Don't hate me if I fail though.**

**I know the blogs aren't for everyone, but they show Bella's devolution, and line up with various emotional issues in the other chapters. So here's my final question to ponder with this last blog. Was Bella wrong to go public? Given what you know about how she was left, how little she knew, did she have a right to tell other humans about vampires? Would you want to know whether they existed? Review and discuss.  
**

**Thanks to Hmonster4 for beta'ing. She's now a VIP at adifferentforest (dot) net and a TLYDF blog administrator. Busy woman who still finds time to write with me and edit my work.**

**The lovely daisy3853 expanded her one shot from the For the Love of Jasper contest, and she's got a great start. Check out Underexposed.**

**My oneshot Just This Once was featured on the So You Think You Can Write www (dot) sytycw (dot) com blog. Thanks to Sue/Roselover24 for her kindness.**


	33. Everything's Got a Moral

**WARNING: This chapter is longer than most and contains violent imagery. The characters aren't mine.**

_Chapter 21: Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it._

_EPOV_

"Hey," Bella said nudging me with her hip. "It's going to be okay."

My eyes suddenly popped open at the sound of her voice. I was constantly awed by the fact that she seemed to be able to read my mind better than I could read hers. We had come a long way since our library lunches in Forks. Even though nothing had gone as we'd planned, or rather, as I'd planned, I couldn't help but feel at least mildly happy. I felt guilty acknowledging that emotion given all was happening around us, yet here we were. Together. How could I not be happy? It wasn't perfect, but we were working on it. Some hours were better than others.

Bella's transition had been faster than most; she worried about what that meant. I didn't. It wasn't something we'd never be able to explain. All we could do was guess. Eleazar thought maybe she had more time to prepare, and her body somehow just knew what to do as a result. Carlisle wondered if the additional venom I'd introduced sped her transition. I didn't care so I left the ruminating to them. From my perspective, it was far simpler. This was just meant to be.

She was still a newborn though, and that carried particular challenges. It was a somewhat dangerous time of year for us to be hunting in these woods with a newborn. Her lack of control coupled with added speed and strength would make it difficult for us to contain her should we encounter a human. Stray hikers got lost; expert hikers sought challenges. We could have a thousand no trespassing signs around our land, but plenty of people didn't realize the signs really were for their own good. So far, we'd been lucky enough to avoid any confrontations. She caught the scent of human blood on her third day as a vampire, and it took three of us to stop her from following.

Just as difficult to contend with were her volatile mood swings. Emotions in newborns were difficult to control, so some fluctuations were typical. In her case, I think so many emotions had been coursing through her before the transition that she was struggling to process them. I suppose it's akin to culture shock. You could prepare for what was to come intellectually, but you couldn't really understand it until you were there. It was bound to be overwhelming at first. All of her senses were completely overloaded, and it seemed to hit her at odd times. She got particularly antsy around bed time. She wouldn't acknowledge it, but her mind craved the idea of sleep. I knew from her blog that would be a difficult part for her.

Around that time, anything I said might set her off, one way or the other. One way was a screaming fit wherein she made a valiant attempt to kick my ass. I let her because there were few alternatives, and there was still a part of me that felt certain I deserved it. In those moments, I slowly released my need to protect her; she didn't need it anymore. The other way . . . well, passion came in many forms.

In her calm moments, the idea of sex was difficult for her, mostly because of the lack of privacy. She became acutely aware of how much we knew about others. There was next to no privacy in our house. We knew, for instance, that Kate and Garrett had a burgeoning romance and Tanya was sizing up both Felix and Demetri; I had my money on the latter. But then I had inside information, and I knew she was on his mind a lot. The first time we heard one of the couples in the house getting amorous, Bella got all twisted up and agitated until she finally said, "I can't take it anymore." I'd barely noticed the issue because I was so good at tuning them out. She ran at top speed as far away as was safe without crossing the treaty line; then she turned on her heel and ran straight back at me, tackling me to the ground.

I'd followed nervously, uncertain about her visceral reaction. Her hands in my hair were the first clue.

"Bella, are you sure you want this?" I asked as she pressed her body against me.

"I need this, Edward."

"I know your body needs it now, but will you regret it later?"

"It's inevitable isn't it?"

"Probably," I admitted. "But we don't have to rush it. We have all the time in the world."

"Bullshit, we may only have a week," she challenged.

I reached out and touched her cheek. She let her legs fall to the sides of my hips, straddling me.

"I refuse to believe that. There are plenty of reasons to think . . ."

"Shut up and fuck me, Edward."

Some things never change. I was always unable to say no to a woman in need. Logic told me the timing was wrong, but emotion and physiology made disagreed.

She may have made the request, but she was completely in charge that evening. In those moments, she owned her instincts; she gave herself over. The grinding was fierce, and the first time she climaxed, she bit me. I may always have that silver scar on my chest, but I would wear it as a badge of honor. Bite for bite. I was in her; she was trying to take a little of herself back or give me more of her. I didn't care either way.

That's how it went for several days as we readied ourselves for the impending war, doom, whatever we were calling it at the moment. Angry Bella, Sexy Bella, Quiet Bella. She was driving Jasper crazy, but I loved all her personalities, and I knew eventually, she would settle into her own.

The only thing I lamented was the fact that I still couldn't read her mind. Eleazar identified her gift as a shield, but we didn't know how effective it was. We knew that Alice could see her future, though it was a struggle at times, but none of the rest of us seemed to be able to get through. So when she said everything would be okay, I was surprised to find a calm Bella staring at me.

"You're awfully confident." I hadn't said much that afternoon. We were down to so little time.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I figure it doesn't do me any good to think the other way."

"When did you become an optimist?"

"When you found me," she answered simply.

She stated it as if it were a minor event, but we both knew everything was different. There was a lot we still weren't saying, but it was clear how we both felt.

"You don't have to go, you know," I reminded her.

"Let's not start that again. I realize it won't be easy to have me along, but you're not leaving me here."

"Bella, there are so many humans in Volterra. Even if we make it into the city, I don't know how we can . . ."

"It's not any safer here, and you know it. Besides, we settled this. If things go badly, they'll come for me anyway. I might as well be there in the first round."

"Ah there's the pessimist."

"Yeah well, I'd sure as hell rather be part of the direct hit than experience the fallout."

Her eyes moved to the ground, and she began to pluck pieces of grass out of the ground. After each one, she placed her hand flat on the ground and took a breath. I saw her head nodding ever so slightly.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Trying to teach myself control."

"What?"

"Well, right now, I'm feeling scared, and I've been finding that when I get emotional, I either want to destroy things or well, you know." She didn't look up at me, and I could tell the conversation bothered her. It was a quiet time, not one where she felt brazen. "Anyway, I kind of want to pull that tree over there out of the ground and throw it a mile, but I figure if I can keep myself to one blade of grass at a time, that's a start right?"

"You amaze me," I said, shaking my head.

"Why?"

"I don't think I could have thought that clearly when I was a newborn."

"I don't think your perception of yourself is very accurate. According to Carlisle, you were a fairly thoughtful vampire yourself."

"But not perfect."

"No one is. Clearly, I lose control."

"I kind of like it when that happens," I admitted with a suggestive tone.

Her head snapped toward me, an expression of shock on her face. "Oh my god. Stop, I'm embarrassed enough."

"You are?"

"Of course, it's like I'm an animal. The things that come out of my mouth."

"Bella, you can't think I mind."

"I mind."

"Do you regret anything that's happened?"

"No, it's not that. I just don't know how to deal with my emotions right now. That's really not new. I guess I've always used sex as a way to manage them, but it's even worse now."

"Bella, please don't regret being with me."

I reached out and grabbed the hand that wasn't pulling at grass. She let me take it over to my lap, and I starting rubbing her palm.

"I know that things have been complicated between us," I began. She snorted. I smiled. "But you still feel that don't you?" I had expected our physical connection to change when her body temperature did, but whatever current ran between us had intensified if anything.

"Yes," she whispered. "Of course I do."

"It's not going away, you know."

"I know."

"Neither am I," I assured her.

"I hope not." Her voice was the shakiest I'd heard it since she transitioned.

I draped one arm across her shoulder to bring her closer to me. "I told you how I felt. I love you, Bella. I always have, and I always will. I waited too damn long to say it before, but now I'm going to keep telling you until you believe me."

I noticed her breath stop. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, just trying to shut out a sense or two so I can calm down."

"That helps?"

"A little." She was quiet for a minute. "Will you show me?"

"What?"

Her words came slowly, and she struggled to find the right words. "You say you love me, and I believe you. I do; it's just that so much has changed, and I wonder if you still want me like you wanted me before."

"I'm confused, Bella. Sometimes, I really wish I could hear inside that head of yours."

"When we're together it's based on my physical need; it's been really good; I'm not complaining. I just wonder if we can still . . ."

She trailed off, but I understood then. I began to stroke her hair slowly, and I kissed the top of her head. I sat up a little straighter and pulled her into my lap, forcing her to look me in the eye. I rested a hand at the base of her neck and the other on her cheek, letting my thumb drag over her lips.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. "Like that?" I asked.

"Yes," she practically moaned.

My lips were back to hers, still gentle, still slow, but my tongue nudged her lips apart, and she opened her mouth to take me in. In time, our pace increased as we touched each other. Like our first day back in our meadow, she reached for the button of my jeans, but this time, instead of fumbling, she had the zipper down in the blink of an eye. When she tried to yank the fabric down, we heard the sound of denim ripping.

"Oops," she giggled. That sound was the best thing I'd heard in years; it took me back, but moved me forward at the same time.

I helped her wriggle out of her clothes and she mine in kind. We'd been out there in the middle of nowhere several times already. We'd joined our bodies just as intimately, but this was different, and we both knew it. This wasn't about me filling her need or her proving something to herself. This wasn't about me helping someone, or either of us wanting to satisfy our curiosity. We moved past all the things that wouldn't have worked in a relationship and found ourselves someplace much better.

She threw her head back and laughed when I entered her, caught up in feelings that went beyond satisfaction to pure joy. I felt her shaking a couple of times. I noticed when her breathing stopped. She was doing what she could to hold on to her control, not to devolve into the base desire. She did the thing with her head nodding again, and I realized she was mentally counting to five each time she did it. A time out of sorts. She used it to help her pace the rhythm of our lovemaking, and it worked. She stayed in control, until neither of could anymore, until it was natural to let go and we did that together, relieving the pressure, releasing the pleasure.

She exhaled with a moan as I slipped out of her. She tightened her grip on my neck, but I still shifted to the side, leaning on my elbow.

"That was different," she said.

"Yes," I agreed. "Different good?"

"Very good," she answered quietly. I kissed her lips and laced a hand with one of hers. "You know, there were times when I hated you."

She looked at me anxiously, worried about my reaction.

"I would hope so. I'd be worried about you if you hadn't. Besides, I seem to recall a certain day when you pushed me away. That kind of gave it away."

"I'm sorry."

"I thought we were done with this," I said.

"I made a lot of very bad decisions, and I just want you to know I would do things differently if I could."

"Me too."

She shook her head quickly, and her hand clenched in mine. She was stronger, and it hurt.

"Please just know that no matter what happens, things are different now, and I want you to trust me."

"Bella, of course I trust you. What are you talking about?"

She drew a breath and blew it out slowly. "Nothing, I'm just being silly."

I put my mouth close to her ear. "I love you."

Her eye lids fluttered. "I love you too. Never forget that."

XXX

We'd been over the plans ad nauseum. Volterra was an old city, and to the outside eye, it would appear to remain as antiquated as all the other European walled cities. Our eyes were better, and our inside information invaluable. We were well aware that a combination of technology and superhuman skill made it nearly impossible to penetrate the city unnoticed. Further, there were human and vampire spies everywhere in Italy, all of Europe really. Going over the maps and details, we grew weary of our plan.

"If the point was to surprise them, this seems like a pretty flawed plan to me," Rosalie had asserted.

It was one of those times when no one disagreed with her, but we also didn't rush to alter our course. Secretly I wondered if the home court advantage would have been better, but I knew that it really was six of one half a dozen of the other.

We all kept looking to Alice for any clues. Her pained response and hands thrown in the air was all the answer we needed. "There are just too many last minute decisions and too many people making them. It all keeps shifting. All I can tell you is they are still preparing to leave Italy. They're planning to come here. The rest is fuzzy."

"You're still seeing a battle though?" Carlisle questioned.

Alice nodded. "I just don't know who wins."

Garrett mumbled, but of course everyone heard him. "There's rarely a clear winner and loser in war."

Enthusiasm was tough to muster; going there made it feel less like we were the ones being attacked, less like we were passive players in the game. By going to Italy, we would have to act as aggressors, or they would have the upper hand.

The less attention we could draw the better, and it would be impossible not to notice the sixteen of us rushing Volterra. The plan was to scatter, to come from multiple places, different directions. We had the means to contact each other, but otherwise, the small groups were unaware of each other's flight routes. We figured as long as we had a rendezvous time and place, the less we knew, the better, just in case something went terribly wrong.

Jacob and Seth wanted to come along, if for no other reason than to have a chance to actually "kick vampire ass."

"Ugh," both Rosalie and Leah had groaned simultaneously. I stifled a grin at yet another parallel between them. Thankfully, neither of them noticed.

In the end, Carlisle convinced them to stay behind and to begin work on rebuilding their relationship with the larger pack. Sam and the others had been sniffing around, but they hadn't been stupid enough to instigate any trouble. I had a hard time being mad at any of them, since they were keeping a very watchful eye over Charlie Swan. Bella and I hadn't talked much about her parents. She figured it wasn't worth faking her death until she knew whether she was really dead or not. In other words, wait until after Italy. If and when we made it back, then we'd figure out a plan. She almost called her mom once, but in the end, she decided it was best to have a clean break. If she dragged it out more, it might hurt worse for both of them. She was grateful that she hadn't forgotten herself in the transition, but she lamented the things she didn't want to remember.

Felix, Demetri, Bella, and I would travel together on the Volturi plane still waiting for us in the hanger outside of Seattle. I didn't want to have to fly the plane, because I wanted to be able to concentrate on Bella. We certainly couldn't have a human pilot in such close proximity. Only three of us could fly: Emmett, Garrett and I.

Rosalie refused to be separated from Emmett, which I understood. From the outside in, people might wonder what Emmett and Rosalie had in common, but it was obvious if you spent any time around them. You would not find two people more loyal, to each other yes, but to their family too.

So that left Garrett who grudgingly agreed to do it; I didn't miss the look of concern Kate shot him when he stepped up to the plate.

Because ours was the only private plane, we had the most direct route which meant we left later than everyone else. The staggered goodbyes dragged out through the day. I couldn't say any particular one was more difficult than another, and in the end, what would it prove if I could value one over another. Suffice to say, we all knew the risks. Carlisle shook my hand knowingly. He placed his free hand on my shoulder and squeezed, communicating everything I needed to know. Esme hugged me and told me she loved me. Alice slapped my cheek playfully and said it would all be fine. Jasper merely nodded toward me; his thoughts were on Alice, as I would have expected. Emmett whacked me on the back and told me it was all worth it. So few would ever know what a fucking sap that man was for a good love story.

Rosalie didn't say goodbye. I didn't see her at all the day we left. I heard her, of course. She was worried. She wasn't the mind reader or the fortune teller among us, but her mood was heavy. She spent her time resolving herself to life never being the same after this trip. I didn't it take it personally that she left without acknowledgement. For her, a goodbye would have made it all the more possible that we wouldn't see each other in fifteen hours. She embraced denial like a dear old friend.

The mood on our plane was surprisingly light. Garrett made random intercom announcements we would have heard if he'd whispered them, but it was enough to get even Felix to chuckle a few times.

It was the first time Bella and Demetri had really faced each other. I knew his inner torment. Probably the most surprising thing to him was the way he felt. Guilt was an emotion he hadn't remembered. There had been no reason for it. If it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have given it a passing thought, might have even fought harder to complete the drain, but the circumstances surrounding Bella were so complicated. He'd expected retaliation or punishment of some sort. He'd been prepared to be cast out or potentially even destroyed. It's what the Volturi would have done.

So, in the days since, he'd reverted inside himself, staying out of the way.

He shocked us all three hours into the trip.

"Bella?" he began. She looked up at him and nodded. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

I gave a sideways glance to Felix who raised an eyebrow, confused by how demure Demetri seemed. They'd known each other a long time, and Demetri's bravado was infamous.

Bella shook her head, smiling. "You don't need to be."

"It wasn't what you wanted," he responded. "I took away your choice."

"No you didn't," she said adamantly. "I still had a choice. You heard Edward ask me."

He looked away, and I heard him arguing silently with her.

"Seriously, Demetri, I've known for a very long time there were only two ways this could end. I thought I wanted the other, or rather, I didn't want either, but I preferred the other. You just forced the issue, and I discovered when push came to shove, I wasn't ready to give up the fight just yet."

I let my hand drift toward hers. She felt the motion, and grabbed hold.

The rest of the ride alternated between quiet calm, nervous laughter and final strategy notes. When the plane landed, I had a moment when it hit me. I could hear Rosalie's voice in my head. I could feel the weight of a future I didn't want to envision. It was going to be different. Looking around the plane, I wondered who would leave Italy at the end of the day.

I'd been abroad countless times in my life. The first time I went to Europe I was in awe of the architecture and the tangible history around me. Maybe it was why I was drawn more to the East Coast. I was a piece of living history; I was an anomaly. Somehow I fit in this mesh of old and new. This time though, when I stepped off the plane, I wanted nothing more than to get right back on and head back to the nubile cities of Washington State. A place that had come to feel more like home than I ever expected.

We only had forty minutes to get to the rendezvous location. We were close enough to run; the plan had been established not knowing if there would be a car at the hanger. Felix said usually there was one just in case, but if they had any suspicion, they might remove it.

There was no car.

"What do you think it means?" I asked Felix.

"Maybe nothing," he answered. "It happens on occasion."

"Do you think it's a coincidence?" I turned to Demetri.

He shrugged. "What difference does it make?"

It was a good question. We were here. We didn't have much choice at this point. We had to meet the others. Cell phones were for emergency only at this point as a precaution.

I tried to look reassuringly at Bella, but she was looking around her, distracted. When her eyes met mine, she smiled weakly.

There was no time to waste or to second guess. We selected the route we hoped would be the least populated.

We weren't the first to the meeting spot. Carlisle, Esme, Eleazar, Carmen, and Kate were waiting. In relief, Garrett made his way to stand by Kate. They said nothing; they didn't even look at each other. They just stood so close they were almost touching, finding comfort in the proximity..

We waited. Time did not fly. No one said a word. Vampires would hear our breathing, would smell our presence; if they were here, then our voices would merely give away our exact location and intention. Ten minutes past the rendezvous time, Carlisle and Eleazar glanced at each other. We had a decision. Push on. Or fall back.

Five of us were missing. It was too many. We pulled out cell phones but there were no messages, no texts. It was not a good sign, and we knew it. Everyone had landed when they were supposed to; that much had already been communicated. Carlisle sent one text on his phone to Emmett. We waited five more minutes. No response came.

We didn't run to the city; we weren't far, and we weren't in a hurry to get there.

I was worried about Alice not showing up, and it was going through Carlisle's mind too. Either they had been detained or she had seen something that caused her not to show up. Perhaps, she'd been able to warn the others. On the other hand, we had to believe she would have alerted us somehow if that had happened.

I listened for any signs that they knew we were coming. Nothing was amiss. We had no reason to doubt a thing, until I heard her thoughts.

"_They were going to meet us just west of here. They're going to hear us soon_."

It was followed by his. "_If that asshole looks at her like that one more time, I'm going to kill him_."

"Rose," I said in a panic. They were on the move. And just like that, they were in earshot of everyone else.

"You son of a bitch, let me go!" Rosalie exclaimed. The voice moved quickly; just as suddenly as manifested itself, it had disappeared.

"Oh my god," Esme exclaimed. "Where is she?"

"The city," I answered. "They've been taking into the city."

That's when we knew. The logical choice would be to fall back, but the only viable option was onward.

There was one main entry point, which was guarded by humans and cameras.

The original plan had been from meeting point; we would split again, as there were two secret entrances into the city, one underground and one hidden passage. We intended to enter from both sides while Felix took out the surveillance camera system. It wasn't a perfect plan, but it wasn't the worst either.

Now, we had nothing.

"They know we're here," I said, stating the obvious.

"What should we do?" Esme asked Carlisle.

"I don't think we should split anymore," he answered.

Bella said nothing. She wrung her hands nervously.

"So, underground or secret passageway?" I posed the question to Demetri and Felix expressly.

"Under"

"Passage"

They answered simultaneously. For a few minutes, they quietly debated the merits of both.

"Who are we kidding?" Garrett interrupted. He too had been exceptionally quiet.

We all turned to look at him. "They knew we're coming. Why not the front gate?"

Demetri shrugged. We began making our way there. A half mile later, I heard another voice, one I would be able to pick from anywhere.

"_Edward, we're all here. Stay away_," the voice chanted over and over again.

"Alice is there too," I whispered. "And everyone else."

"Why can't we hear them yet?" Kate asked.

"Soundproofing," Felix indicated. "It doesn't work entirely on us, but we have to be pretty close to hear."

"She's warning us to stay away," I announced.

"Irina and Tanya are in there?" Kate asked no one in particular.

"I believe so," I responded.

"So, what's really changed?" Garrett said. "We lost surprise, but our strategy was never to assume they wouldn't surround us at some point. Our position was based on the fact that we think we can faction them in a confrontation right?"

"Yes," Carmen said. "I think that's right."

"Well, then, I say we keep on with that plan." Kate reached over and grabbed his hand. He nodded toward her.

No one said anything about the subject that was dancing through all their minds.

How had they been caught? It was too convenient. Too easy. Almost too obvious in a way. Looking around at who hadn't been taken in, I couldn't believe it was coincidence. I was afraid to consider what it meant, but I was more afraid to ignore the fact that there might be someone here I shouldn't have trusted.

Alice continued her chant. I could see her sitting trying to find a vision that would lead her out.

Suddenly, Jasper spoke. "_If you're there, man, this isn't good. They destroyed Irina. For nothing. Just because she admitted she came here with you. She's gone. Tanya's a mess_."

He said all of this very quickly. I wrestled with indecision.

Carlisle saw the anguish on my face. "What is it, son?"

"It's bad," I reluctantly began. "It's Irina. She's gone."

"Gone?" Kate asked.

"Killed."

Her eyes flew open, and Garrett pulled her close, trying to keep her voice low. "I don't know much," I said to Carlisle. It's all Jasper said. They're both telling us to leave."

"What about Rosalie and Emmett?" Esme questioned. "What are they saying?"

"They're pretty much focused on the situation, not on talking to me or acknowledging each other."

"Kate," Carmen said softly. "What do you want to do?"

"We have to get Tanya," she said into Garrett's shirt.

I found less beauty in Volterra on my second visit. The night lights were the same. The fountain hadn't changed. I'd been nervous before as I'd sought Bella, but now half my family was here and our good friends, and ultimately I was to blame. Even if it turned out that someone sold us out, this was still my doing from the get go. I doubted I'd ever forgive myself for that fact that Irina had given up her life.

We were surrounded almost instantly by members of the guard. It was a gentle force in a way. They didn't say anything; they didn't point guns or grab arms. There was no need; we were all headed for the same place anyway.

One by one, we dropped down underground. As we snaked our way through the tunnels below Volterra, I was never more grateful for my gift. First, I appreciated that I was not Jasper; I would have gone crazy if I could actually feel the emotions; the thoughts around me were bad enough.

The other thing that became clear was that we'd been right about one thing. Some of the guard were no longer loyal.

On the way to the large receiving room, we passed four guard members; seven had met us outside. Only two gave themselves away entirely by their anger toward Aro and Caius in particular. A few others drew my attention in a different way. One male was running through Plato's Republic in his head.

We filed in and waited. I noticed Jane and Alec stood off to the side, huddled together, almost gleeful in their expression. We could never let them out of our sights.

"Well, Edward, how nice of you to join us," Aro clapped as he walked into the chamber from the other side. "And our old friends are here. Welcome back Carlisle and Eleazar." Aro walked toward Carlisle and clasped his shoulders. "It's been too long."

Carlisle nodded. "I wish the circumstances were better."

"As do I. I am rather disappointed that you've come to usurp my power. I never took you for the type."

"Aro, dispense with the pleasantries. This group is guilty of treason, are they not? Let's cut to the chase."

"Oh don't be so impatient, Caius. We get so little entertainment around here. This could be fun."

Marcus sat stoically in the throne like chair he'd occupied the last time I was here. A slight scowl plastered on his face, but his mind was blank.

"I think we should invite our other friends back in, don't you Marcus? So many friends at once, it's like a party."

I didn't know where he was going with this, but knowing Aro, it couldn't be good.

From two sides of the room, doors opened, the others came in. Everyone tried very hard not to overreact to the situation. There was a mixture of defeat and confusion in the air. This wasn't far from where we'd hoped to be. Was there still a chance? They looked to me for signs. I scratched my head. I moved a toe a different direction, all attempts to give away our potential allies.

I kept my arm around Bella.

"So, I don't know where to begin; there are just too many surprises tonight. First of all, I should offer my condolences to you, Kate. I am sorry to inform you that your sister was sentenced to death, and has already faced her punishment. I understand from Tanya that you were quite close."

Kate closed her eyes for a moment letting the reality hit her. When she opened them again, her gaze had been infused with anger for the man in front of her. He was responsible for the loss of her mother and now her sister. Yet she remained strong and said nothing, but Garrett sneered, hurling dangerous thoughts at Aro.

"What crime did she commit? Carlisle asked calmly.

"Treason," Caius interjected. "Just like the rest of you."

One Volturi female hissed bullshit in her head. I tilted my head toward her while looking at Garrett to indicate her allegiance.

"I do dislike being the bearer of bad news, when there are such things to celebrate here." He turned his attention to Bella whose eyes were fixed on the wall in front of her.

"I finally get to meet the lovely Bella."

Caius snorted. I felt a palpable change in energy. I was sure everyone must have, but Jasper cringed at the response. Bella remained motionless.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "You please me very much. I have waited a long time to see such a group in front of me. The talent is unsurpassed. I didn't think you could pull it off, Bella."

"What the fuck?" Rosalie asked pointedly. Bella dropped my hand. Her expression was pained. In one fleeting instant something snapped, and her voice rang out. "_Trust me_." Then it was gone as quickly as it came.

I glanced around the room and it hit me. There was only one mind I couldn't read. Only one person who could have given us away without my knowing. And she was staring back at Aro. I thought back. Bella suggested Italy. She reinforced the idea. The talk about trust. What had she been telling me?

"Demetri, I might have been able to forgive you many transgressions, but changing Bella is not one of them. You know how I desired to be her sire."

He waved a hand, and I knew what was coming a moment before it came. Caius reveled in this task. He always kept his little fire starter at the ready. He reached out with this little silver incendiary, and the flames engulfed what was left of Demetri after his guard tore him to pieces.

And then he was gone. Like Irina was gone. Nothing but cinder remained. Gasps, shouts, and anger followed. I couldn't process all the thoughts; I was finding it hard to keep track of the situation. My attention was focused entirely on Bella.

Several voices hit me at once.

"_Don't jump to conclusions; stay in control_," Carlisle urged.

"_He knew what he was getting into_," Felix reminded himself.

"_Trust Bell_a," a new voice encouraged. "_I promise this is not as it seems_."

Marcus sat motionless, not giving away anything.

"_Patience, Edward_," he added.

Seemingly realizing Bella's potential involvement, Rosalie struggled to break free of the two guards holding her. "You bitch. I'll fucking kill you myself."

Bella was shaking again. I saw her using her thumb on her pant leg to keep a rhythm. To keep control.

"Now, now Rosalie. Calm down," Aro insisted. "You and I both know that you have secrets too. Perhaps, your dislike of Bella stems from one of your own?"

Rosalie's eyes went wide as she looked at Aro, then to me, then to Emmett, and finally back at Aro.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh Rosalie, I'm afraid I do. I've been curious though. Did you really never tell your mate? Did you not think he had a right to know?"

"What's he talking about Rose?" Emmett asked. He began moving toward Rosalie.

"It's not a big deal," she insisted.

"No?" Aro questioned. "The fact that your brother was once your lover is not a big deal?"

The first attack came from Emmett. Rosalie went for Bella. After that, I couldn't say who was where or what was happening.

There is no better way to describe what happened next than the very simple phrase all hell broke loose. When Emmett rushed me, it somehow served as an invitation to everyone else. Like the first couple to join the dance floor, the others fell in behind us; the sound of vampires crashing into each other, grappling with each other was deafening. Between the speed at which we moved and the lack of clarity about whose side anyone was one and the very effective way Aro had just created division in my family, the physical and emotional chaos was astounding.

Screams came intermittently, usually accompanied by Jane's laughter. Emmett continued to come at me; I was faster, but when he hit, he hit harder. At one point, I dodged him to catch sight of a confused Jane with her focus on Bella.

"_It's not working_," she thought. Stunned by the event, she didn't see Felix come at her from behind. Garrett hit her from the side. Alec had been distracted, attempting to keep Jasper from affecting anyone. He heard Jane's cry for help, and went to her aid. Somehow the room sensed opportunity. Like vultures they flocked. I couldn't see what was happening in the middle. I only heard pleas for help from Jane and Alec. Pleas which were never answered. The witch twins were not well liked. I noticed Chelsea and Felix in the mix, but I didn't have time to make anyone else out. Those who went after Jane and Alec didn't have fancy little tool like Caius or Aro; a simple match did the trick. Two actually.

I barely had time to recover before Emmett barreled into me again. He pounded my face one more time before someone pulled him from me, and I heard Carlisle tell him to get a grip; that I could be dealt with later. Emmett was angry, rightfully so. He flung obscenities at me and told me he hated me. Rosalie released her hold on Bella and came for him, sensing she needed to calm him down. She began trying to explain as fighting went on around him.

Emmett shook her off, ignoring her pleas appeal to reason. He was keyed up, high on the sting of betrayal. He wasn't thinking. I had a female guard around my neck, and I was trying to figure out an exit strategy when he did the unthinkable.

He ran full force toward Aro, smashing him into the concrete wall. If it hadn't been built to withstand outside attacks, undoubtedly it would have crumbled. The Volturi loyal guards reacted instantly. They were a half a step ahead of us. Even I wasn't fast enough.

The scream that filled the room stopped everything. Rose collapsed into a lifeless heap, staring at the spot Emmett had just been. She shook her head and kept saying "No," over and over again. Aro sat next to the ashes, his body repairing itself from Emmett's attack. We were all stunned, overwhelmed. I didn't want to hear the others; I didn't look for them. It would mean it actually happened, and I was ready to face that reality.

Despite his own pain, Jasper mustered something to calm us all. Felix, understanding her better than anyone in that moment, had Rosalie in his arms whispering something to her. I could have listened, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to understand what happened.

Bella was in the middle of the room clearly shaken, looking at Marcus, who motioned for her to come closer. The guards who'd destroyed Emmett had been pulled away and replaced by two who were waiting for instructions.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," Bella said quietly. She glanced over at me, anguish evident in her expression. She turned back to Marcus, and with a shaky voice asked, "Why did this happen?"

"I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't want this either," He answered.

"Marcus, what in the world is going on?" Caius demanded suddenly realizing he was surrounded.

Aro remained dazed, his thought confused and erratic. Sensing a power shift, Caius fondled his weapon protectively.

Marcus turned to face Caius because stating matter of factly, "Brother, it's time for a change."

**E/N: I understand you may be mad at me, and you may need a minute to process this chapter. If you know my beloved hmonster4, you know that I broke her heart with this chapter (If you need an Emmett fix now, please check out Divinity and Redemption). My hope is that when the dust settles the foreshadowing that this was always going to be a complicated and difficult climax have been evident. If you survived, I would appreciate if you hit the review button and tell me what you thought.**

**There has been loss, which was always in the plan, and they will feel the impact, but this is also a turning point. One more chapter is coming later this week.**

**I wanted to add one other note since it came up from a couple of people in the blogs. My decision to go in reverse order on them was not to mess with anyone's minds. I did it for multiple reasons, but primarily no matter what I did there were going to be competing timelines. This was way Edward read them/encountered them, so it helped create the bridge to POV. I just wanted to clarify that so you don't think I was trying to be evil.**


	34. Then Stop

**Kleenex handy?**

**There characters are not mine. **

**Chapter 22: Then Stop**

**EPOV**

_Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. –-The King, __Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_

Human memories fade; vampire memories do not. It is, in part, a consequence of time but also of our unique biology. The things I remember prior to 1918 are fuzzy, like I am looking at them through a cloudy lens. There are fewer of them as well. The clearest are the ones I've fought to hold on to. For example, I have an old photograph of my mother. I did what I could to protect it all these years, but even with my care, film and paper were not what they are today. It has faded and creased. Years ago when technology first became available, I scanned it in. My own memories have long since turned the same sepia tone. Adobe and I have worked diligently to restore color. I spent several weeks searching for the exact shade of green for my mother's eyes. I still don't know if it's what they really were or what I would like them to have been.

My feelings when I look at the picture are complicated. There is a sadness, yes, but it is no longer about the loss of my mother exactly. She would have been gone ages ago regardless. It is more the idea that I'll never know who I would have been, who I _could_ have been. The life we lead is better than most, but I'd often wondered what I might have been destined for as a human. Had things gone another way, what kind of difference might I have made? Would I have saved lives in war, or been killed like so many others? Would I have studied music or law or business or nothing at all?

These were not things I had pondered as much in recent years. Not since Bella. To question" what if" was pointless; to want the past would deny the present and negate the future. I had come to believe that loving her was my destiny; that everything else had been preparation for the life I was living.

This was not easy to remember, not when faced with other memories of loss, the ones so vivid they could never fade.

I would never need a archival footage to remember Emmett's laugh or the way he cut to the heart of things, simplifying everything I attempted to complicate. I would never need technology to bring to life the image of Rosalie, kneeling on the ground in the basement chamber in Volterra, her face contorted in guilt and grief, uncertain as to which emotion she should embrace. For all the time I'd spent lamenting the loss of human memory, I never realized the protection it had afforded. Time may not have healed all wounds, but it gave one enough space to find meaning or to accept when there was none.

* * *

Given how numb we all were when Marcus began to tell his tale, I should not have been able to recall facial expressions, intonations, or even mental anguish with such crisp detail. It surprised Bella too. So recently inducted to her new physiology, she was unprepared for the dichotomy of her lives. Certainly her family was on her mind, but she admitted to me that it had already become more of the notion of them than the reality. She knew that she should feel bad for them, that she should miss them, more than she actually did most of the time. But like the rest of us, every second of that day had been recorded in her mind to view again and again if she chose, and for a while, I would imagine that was what we all did.

We re-played Marcus explaining, primarily to Aro, his disgust with the way the rule of the Volturi had been bastardized.

"For far too long, dear Aro, I overlooked your greed and wrong doings, even when it was at my expense," Marcus spat.

Aro had grown fearful at that line. I heard him question whether Marcus knew an awful truth.

"Yes, brother, you would have done well to learn your own lesson about secrets. You were right. They lay in wait, a kind of hidden quicksand. When at last you step foot inside, you are bound to be pulled under, and right now, I can assure you, you're in deep."

"I don't understand, Marcus."

"Of course you do. Did you honestly think I would let it go?"

"Let what go?"

"Didyme?"

"I don't know what you mean." At that moment, though, Aro's mind filled with a vision of a beautiful woman smiling at the sight of her brother quickly shifting to an expression of horror when she saw him pull out the now familiar silver instrument. It must have shown in my expression.

"Edward, I am sure you are confused, and I will explain everything in a moment, but for now, would you do me the favor of answering a question? I have long suspected that Aro was responsible for his sister, my mate's destruction. I even confronted him on it once up on a time," he said looking over to Eleazar. "I've never had the means to confirm it, until now. You don't need to give me any details, but I would appreciate a yes or a no."

I nodded slowly in his direction.

"This is ridiculous. Why in the world would we trust him?" Caius demanded. "Marcus you've lost your mind."

Caius made a move toward Marcus, but the guards around him descended on him.

"Let me go. You have no authority here."

"I'm afraid you're wrong brother," Marcus indicated.

Caius looked around the room, for the first time noticing that a handful of guards, those who were loyal to him and Aro had been surrounded themselves. He seemed to understand in an instant that this went beyond a simple act of rebellion.

Caius reached into his robes for the weapon that had destroyed so many. Instantly, the three guards holding him had pulled the objective from his hand. The struggle happened so incredibly fast. Then he, like Demetri and Emmett before him, was gone. The same screeching metal sounds; the same smoldering pyre.

"NO!" Aro yelled still slumped against the floor. In his mind's eye, I learned that his distress had little to do with grief. The expression on his face did not hold the same kind of despair Rosalie's had. He realized the destruction of Caius meant the loss of his chance to regain control.

The room was abuzz with an odd mix of energy. Many of us crouched defensively, ready to attack Aro. The guards loyal to the Volturi fought their captors. The rest of us were frozen by losses so great we feared recovery would never come. I was caught somewhere in the middle of it. Afraid to face Bella because I refused to believe she could be part of this betrayal. Afraid to face Rosalie because we both knew what we would see in each others' eyes. What happened between us hadn't needed to be a secret. Had we been honest about it, Emmett would likely still be here. We could blame anyone else in this room; we could blame the fire itself, but it would not remove the guilt, and it wouldn't bring him back..

Marcus took the floor; his stature seemed suddenly more imposing. He smiled for the first time as he approached me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Edward, I wish that I had been able to be more upfront with you when you were here last. I did not mean to cause so much pain in this process." He proceeded to offer his sympathy to each person in the room who had lost a loved one that day.

Marcus explained that he had been working for years to weaken the foundation of the Volturi guard. He'd been in a fog himself for centuries, unable to believe Aro had really destroyed Didyme. He wallowed in his grief. His plans began to form the year Eleazar left; he'd stood up to Aro that day, though Aro never admitted the crime, it was enough to waken Marcus. He began to see the way in which power was being abused; it was no different than the Romanians before them. And with the way Aro had built the fortress of both technological and vampire power, it would be difficult for anyone to infiltrate. Why would they? Marcus had wondered. The three of them sat holed up in this area, sending others out to do their bidding with little thought to the impact.

He'd been pulling strings in subtle ways for some time to try to bring together as many potential allies as possible. He, like everyone else, saw a potential in Bella and in her connection to us, that would make things possible. He knew it could go either way, but like Felix and Demetri, and Aro himself, Marcus realized that it was worth the risk. He approached Bella to serve as something of a double agent, making Aro believe that she was helping deliver the Cullens to his doorstep, while really setting him up for the fall.

"But how?" I asked trying to fathom when she might have contacted anyone.

"Have you checked the blog lately?" she responded.

I shook my head.

"There are coded clues there. I banked on the fact no one would be reading it anymore."

"So all this time . . .?"

She nodded back at me. "I hope you can forgive me."

"What's to forgive, Bella?" Carlisle interjected.

"I encouraged you all to come here; I knew what was waiting."

"So did we; only you had strong reason to believe that we had more help here than even we knew," he added.

"How did I not see any of this?" Alice asked. "The vision of you all coming to us was so clear."

"Yes, Alice. We made sure we stuck to the decision," Marcus assured her. "Aro was well versed in Alice's gift based on his experience touching Edward when he was last here."

These secrets had been kept for good reason. If we had all known, who could say what would have happened if Aro had touched any one of the others who'd been captured earlier. Perhaps, more would have lost their lives that day. Still, I was tired of secrets. Tired of lies.

The rest of that night and into the next day there was much talking, discussion and organization. The first order of business was Aro and his remaining loyal guards.

"What are we going to about them?" Eleazar motioned to those vampires still nervous about their fates.

"You can't cut out the poison once it's begun to spread. What options do we have but to destroy them?" Marcus asked.

"Dear brother, if I may?" Aro asked holding his hands up in surrender. He looked for any sign that he would be attacked if he stood. "I am not opposed to changes. I'm more than willing to work with you all to establish new rules."

Someone in the room snorted.

"You don't get it do you?" Garrett huffed. "You're done Aro."

"Fine, yes, I understand. But if you destroy me, how are you any better than the monsters you claim us to have been?" His new tactic was met with a more open mind.

It was fair point from a man who had never understood the concept in neither his human nor his immortal life. Unfortunately, he kept going, clinging desperately to the notion that he might still retain his lifestyle, and his precious collection. The depth of his disregard for others revealed itself at every turn. Not once did he consider the safety of his guard nor praise them for their loyalty. The more he argued, the less they trusted them. One by one, they realized they had been duped, been trained to think about things in a way that simply hadn't been true.

Aro tried to argue that our being there was a sign that he'd been right all along; that we wanted to take over the vampire world. He pointed to Bella and claimed we had used her from the beginning to achieve this exact goal.

She walked over and spat at him, a last vestige of my human Bella. "That was for Riley." She could have done more damage, but she'd always considered herself ineffectual.

This simple act served to communicate so much. No one had ever stood up to Aro before; it became an invitation for others to join in the defiance.

To his disappointment, the evidence never supported Aro's arguments, though, and in the end, he talked himself into a corner or rather, he was never able to talk himself out of the very one Emmett had thrown him into. Alice had a vision then, probably a combination of decisions made by both Marcus and Aro. The man who had been drunk on his own power would crash hard. When people no longer responded for him he would shrivel into a meaningless existence. He was his own punishment.

At some point, he gave up. He stopped speaking long before his mind gave in, but eventually that too went blank, and he realized he had nothing left. That's when the talk of others shifted.

"What now?" Garrett asked.

"A very good question, indeed," Felix said. Alice and Esme had replaced him in supporting Rosalie. "I think we all need some time to grieve, to hunt, to process. Then, we re-organize. I'm sure we've all had ideas about how we can make things better. We can work together to find the best solutions."

Ultimately, that proved much easier said than done. There those who wanted nothing to do with the politics of it all, though we all agreed to stay in Volterra, at least until a rudimentary plan could be put in place. It was one part respect, one part distrust. I didn't really care about the particulars of a vampire government, but I also wanted to be sure I could live with whatever system others planned.

There were so many things to consider. There was no good starting point, and no easy answers.

"I think all vampires should know that it is possible to live on animal blood," Carlisle indicated. Eleazar nodded thoughtfully, though a couple hisses could be heard throughout the room.

"I'm not saying we should force it or that it would have to be a law. But perhaps, with this information, more would choose a different kind of life."

"I don't think that would be a problem, though it might take some doing to figure out the particulars of that," Eleazar added.

"So I guess the first question is, should it still be a crime to reveal our identities? If you think more of us would choose to drink from animals, it would seem likely that more humans would be interacting with vampires. It would open up a whole new can of worms anyway," Felix said.

Immediately many voices argued that it was clear humans and vampires could co-exist. Just as many felt certain that it was a bad idea to come out so to speak. In the midst of the heated argument, Bella raised her hand.

"May I say something?"

Silence blanketed the room.

"You all know that I believed humans should know about vampires, about us. I realize this is going to seem ironic coming from me, but I don't think I believe that anymore. The world is full of people with bad intentions: greed, hate, anger. The desire for immortality is strong, and as I've heard you all discuss, there are those among you already who use that to their advantage. Perhaps, it really is best if humans don't know. I've come to realize that sometimes we don't need to know everything, any of us. I see now what kind of problems might arise. I don't think any of us need more regrets."

She looked at me briefly. She closed her eyes. "_I will never regret you_," she thought. I jerked at the sound, but once again just as quickly as it came, her internal voice was gone.

Bella was concerned about vampires like James; Jasper thought of Maria. Their kind would always be out there, and we would need a means to deal with them; if they had free reign to say whatever they wanted to humans, it could be dangerous.

There was no way to hammer out all of the details in one day, but much progress was made. The things everyone agreed on became the foundation. Vampires didn't have to hunt humans; they had a right to know what they are capable of, how they became what they are, and a chance to retain some of their humanity. I would have expected that to be a greater bone of contention, but then thinking of both Felix and Demetri on the plane ride the first time I left Volterra told me that it was never has far from the their minds as I'd expected. Even those who had been turned a millennium ago still wanted the simplest thing. And the hardest at the same time. We all wanted love; not everyone interpreted the emotion the same way, but it was a kind of belonging that called to us all. For many of the guard, it was what had kept them rooted here for so long. Though Chelsea had influenced the bond, real or not, it made them long for the connection.

It was time to branch out though. The idea came forth from something that Demetri and Felix had suggested back in Forks—government, not exactly a democracy, but representative in its own way. There was still order to be maintained. Over hunting in any area remained a punishable offense. The laws about turning were still in development. It was hard to define what would constitute a good reason for turning another, but we all knew it was a component of any social order we might achieve.

I did not offer many opinions, but I stayed in the thick of the discussion. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know I was avoiding. The what or who was more difficult to pinpoint. If you forced me to answer, I would have said, everyone, and it was probably true. Most of all though, I was avoiding myself. I didn't want to deal with my emotions.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Carlisle didn't let me hide for long.

"Hunt with me?" Though he said it as a question, I didn't feel I could decline.

I wasn't particularly thirsty, nor did I assume he was either. I hesitated though, glancing back at the room, fixing my attention on Bella. We hadn't had a conversation, but I hadn't let her out of my sight.

"She'll be fine," he insisted. I knew that was true. Besides, we hadn't actually spoken yet anyway. It felt weird leaving the scene of the destruction. Somehow I could believe he was still coming back if I pretended nothing existed outside of that room.

I followed Carlisle solemnly. We had missed the sunlight entirely for a day. We came out of the tunnel at twilight, a time that had come to signify rebirth for me, but tonight it felt more like an end than a vampire's dawn.

We ran a few miles out of town. The Tuscan region left something to be desired in the wild game department, but neither of us were seeking a challenging prey anyway. We came across a few rabbits and foxes, but we let them go, waiting for something a little larger.

"I know you," Carlisle began. "You feel responsible."

"So do you."

"Yes," he admitted. "I suppose we all do."

"Emmett didn't deserve that. I deserved it more."

"No one deserved that, Edward, and you know it."

There was no sense in arguing; we would never convince each other, nor was it a fight worth winning.

"Everyone in that room feels guilt; I don't need your gift to know that. We all take responsibility for what happened. Do you blame us? Do you blame Bella?"

"No," I answered defensively. "Of course not."

"Don't hold yourself to a different standard, then. I am not trying to discount your grief." Carlisle paused there, taking a moment to push away his own. It kept creeping into his voice, threatening to cut him off. Afraid of his voice failing him, he let his thoughts speak for him.

"_Don't leave us again_."

That made sense. I didn't blame him for thinking that. If I was honest, I'd considered it. I'd considered many options at that point, but I'd spent enough years believing that I was better off on my own, and I think I finally accepted than isolation wasn't good for any of us. "I'm not."

"Good. The family needs you." _I couldn't take it._

I nodded. We sat in silence for a while. He was thinking about the plans everyone was making, relatively pleased that so much had been accomplished so quickly. The close proximity, the intimacy of that time gave me the strength to show weakness.

"I'm scared, Dad." I so rarely used that title with him that it caught him off guard.

His head turned, assessing my face. He reached his hand over and placed it on my knee. "Yes," he said, letting me continue to develop the exact fears.

"Rosalie," I breathed. I didn't know what else to say after that.

Carlisle exhaled. Scattered thoughts, an image of Emmett's face the moment he woke after his transition, looking expectantly for the face that had been his salvation.

"Why did you two hide it?" he asked.

"I'm not sure anymore. It was so long ago, and I think we both wanted to pretend it didn't happen."

"Do you . . . have feelings for her?"

"No, I mean, not like that. It's never been like that for either of us. It was just a moment, something that happened." I struggled not wanting to give away a story that wasn't entirely mind to tell, but our lives had already been turned inside out by secrets and lies, and the pointlessness of it all hit me suddenly. "It was the night she killed Royce and the others."

His mouth opened, but then he decided it was enough for the moment.

Within a couple of days, our numbers began dwindling. Members of the guard broke off in small groups. A few were anxious to look for family or friends who they'd been torn away from. A few said they were interested in our lifestyle and would stop by if they were ever in the States. All of them were willing to spread the word so to speak. It wasn't enough. In this day of technology, we knew we could organize and reach each out faster with other means; we even bantered about the idea of a website or blog of our own—it was quickly shot down.

The time was coming for decisions. My family's decisions. My own. I still didn't know where things stood with Bella either. I had always assumed that if we left here, we'd do so together; now I didn't know where she saw herself.

"I'm not coming with you all," Rose said slowly one evening when we'd gathered to discuss it. She had been surprisingly interested in the planning and the formation of the new order or whatever we were going to call it.

Esme's expression contorted. "Rosalie, you don't have to . . ."

"I know. Listen, I'm not saying forever; it's just hard to imagine going back. I mean, I can't go back to what it was. And this is as good a distraction as any. I think I can be of use here. Tanya is thinking of staying too. We could be quite a pair, don't you think?" She couldn't deliver the line with as much conviction as she wanted. I already knew the plan, of course, but it still hit me to hear her commit to it. Alice had also had time to get used to it. She'd known it was coming too.

"You sure will," she said encouraging Rosalie. "I can't imagine a more persuasive duo."

Rosalie smiled at her weakly. "Emmett would have loved that huh? I'm pretty sure he would have liked that fantasy. Me and Tanya?"

A slow ripple of slightly uncomfortable chuckles followed.

"I never once questioned that I was the center of his universe, but that didn't stop him from appreciating another hot chick."

Esme snorted.

"What?"

"Oh I was just remembering the time he came home from school and said I wasn't allowed to come to parent's night or homecoming. When I asked him why he said, 'well you see Esme, you're what they call a MILF.'" Giggles wracked through her as she thought about the way he always made her laugh; the sound was something between a laugh and a cry.

"What's a MILF?" Carlisle asked seriously. It devolved quickly after that. We laughed, and we shared stories. It reminded me of an Irish wake, without the toasts or the whiskey.

"So, what about you all?" Rosalie asked finally. "Where will you go?"

"Thoughts?" Carlisle asked.

"We can't go back to the Washington house can we?" Alice asked. We could have, but she was right, but it seemed almost too close now to the wolves and to Bella's dad. The risk was greater thought it was hours away. I didn't want to say anything.

"I don't plan to start high school again for a while," I stated, and Jasper nodded knowingly.

"I think we could all use a break from that," Alice added. "We could help, in our own way. Maybe we could have a place where others could come learn about what we do, be more open."

Esme smiled. "Oh I think I like that." She always enjoyed entertaining.

We all liked the idea. Carlisle still wanted to find a hospital, so we decided to let him do some poking around for a location, and we'd go where he went.

"Is there room for one more?" Bella's voice drifted into the room. We all turned to face her. She was leaned against an archway. She'd been nearly silent for days.

Rosalie looked down at her feet. She'd spent enough time considering every angle that she no longer placed blame squarely on Bella. She saved plenty for me, for herself, and most appropriately for Aro and Caius. Still, she wasn't ready to hold hands and sing Kumbaya with her either.

"I'm going to get back in there. Tanya and I are working on some details, bossing people around." Rosalie stood and walked toward the door.

She paused when she got to Bella.

"I'm sorry," Bella breathed softly.

"I know," Rosalie nodded. She swallowed out of habit, and then added only for me, "_Be good to each other_" before heading out of the room.

Bella didn't move the spot, uncertain of how we would react, of how I would react. Everyone looked at me as I looked at Bella.

"You mean it?" I asked. She took a few steps in our direction.

Her eyes met mine. "If you still want me."

I stood up, and met her half way.

"I didn't know if you'd want to come with us."

"Where else would I want to be?"

I held out my hand, palm up. She placed hers on top, and I closed my fingers around hers. Both our eyes went wide from the contact. We'd come to crave it, though we'd never actually gotten used to what it felt like.

It amazed me that when we touched I could almost forget about everything that happened between us. In theory, an ocean of lies and mistakes should have separated us, but somehow we'd floated back to each other.

The day we met, we followed each other down the rabbit hole, through twists and turns no one would have believed possible. We had not come out unscathed by any stretch of the imagination. Parts of us had changed forever, but in that moment, in that simple gesture of holding hands, we committed to try.

We owed it to everyone here, to those who we'd lost, and those who lived with grief on our behalf.

After all, this was how it started. A touch. A spark.

I didn't know how it would end, but I was curious. Very curious, indeed.

* * *

**E/N: Whew, we have come to the end of the story. My first order of business to offer my undying gratitude to all of you who made it this far. The story has been full of twists and turns, and particularly in this format of reading one chapter at a time, it was a lot to take in. You really have been amazingly perceptive and wonderful. I know lot of people didn't make it this far, so give yourselves a hug from me in appreciation. Thanks to everyone who participated in RH threads or rec'd the story. **

**Some wonder why Em? In my head it was always him. It was set up from the beginning that their stories were all so tightly wound together. But it hurts me to think about it too. **

**Hmonster04 (are you reading the dark and delicious I Know You) deserves a ton of kudos for her help on this. She is currently in emotional rehab, devastated by the loss of Em. Send Good Emmett recs her way! I'm thinking a Tanya/Rosalie outtake down the road in Em's honor may be in order.**

**Staceygirl aka jackbauer (you must read Controlled Burn) and Daisy3853 (She's continuing Underexposed) have been such great sports, pre-reading chapters and listening to me whine about my frustrations with the story.**

**H and I will be finishing up Fates relatively soon, and this is probably my last full length fic for a good long while. I have a few one shots in my head though, so I'll be around. Just This Once is in the story queue for Anything Goes Under the Mistletoe, so keep your eye out for voting in January.**


	35. Epilogue

**A/N: Last month, the lovely, talented, and very funny staceygirl aka jackbauer won me in the Support Stacie Vampire auction. She requested a Rabbit Hole epilogue. I asked her how far out, and she said as far as it takes to get them happy. So, here it is. **

**As always I don't own the characters.**

_Rabbit Hole_

_Epilogue_

_EPOV_

"You're nervous."

Bella knew me very well by now; she didn't need to ask. One of the things I'd come to appreciate about her most was that she didn't patronize me. She never had. With me, she more than stood her ground. I'd spent so many years with people who tried to talk me out of my moods and emotions, and I loved them for it, but Bella tended to take a different approach. She maneuvered her way through them cautiously yet perfectly. "It's understandable. It's been a long time after all."

I nodded solemnly, but I caught the way her face contorted, and I instantly recognized the guilt she was fighting back. She could handle all of my issues; her own sometimes created a challenge. We tried not to let guilt take over our lives. We both carried enough of it to bury the average person. Most of the time, we shouldered the burden without showing signs of wear, but there were situations like these when it felt heavier than usual. I reached over and grabbed her hand. "It was necessary, Bella."

She smiled back weakly and tried to turn away. I grabbed her chin to hold her head in place, forcing her to look directly at me. We had granted each other forgiveness easily; forgiving ourselves was not as simple. She knew I didn't blame her; we'd had the conversation so many times, but sometimes she still needed reminding. Just as she wove in and out of my moodiness, I'd learned to find my way around her insecurities. That's what married couples did after all, or rather those about to be.

Bella's smile grew, even though I said nothing, reassuring her only with my gaze. By now, we'd learned to find the truth with just a look, even when words failed us. There would never be a lie in that space. It was a promise we'd made to each other. Faith was not a concept I'd ever really grasped. I just didn't believe without proof. But with Bella, I closed my eyes and leapt. I discovered that's what love was all about. You had to give in to it, no matter how scary it was. As a result, I believed in that promise. I believed in us.

"Are you sure you're ready?" I asked in an effort to focus her back on what mattered.

"For which part? Getting married or seeing your family again?"

"Our family," I corrected. "And both."

"I'm ready," she answered. She paused again thoughtfully. "Do you think she'll come?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "If you were her, would you?"

"I'm not sure." Bella said slowly, her face scrunching as she considered question. "You'll be sad if she doesn't come."

Again, it wasn't a question. "Yes," I admitted. There was no point in hiding it. "It won't be the same without her, but I'm ready for this. I've been ready for a long time."

Bella shook her head playfully. "So anxious for that ball and chain," she joked. "Worried I'll take off running."

"You never know. Someday you may realize you're entirely too good for me."

She threw her head back and laughed out loud. It didn't happen often, but when she laughed like that, it gave me a whole a whole new perspective on life.

I'd always struggled with our nature. It had been hard to believe that someone as good and true as Carlisle didn't have a soul, but in Bella's laughter, I was almost convinced I'd been wrong all along. Because if that sound didn't come from heaven, I don't know what did. And if she had a soul, maybe there was hope for me after all.

Bella and I hadn't been back to Forks since just after Italy. We had packed up the house, and we'd said our goodbyes to the only friends we could—Jake, Leah, and Seth. We could have let movers deal with the house, but given how much we'd all been through, and how many things would never be the same, some closure was necessary. But we couldn't stay in Forks. It was too complicated, and Bella needed to create some distance between that life and this one. Knowing Charlie was so close was too much for her, and I think we all had too many demons in the area. Living in that house without Rosalie or Emmett just wasn't possible.

It wasn't easy, but we'd managed to forge a degree of acceptance between the wolf pack and us. None of it would have been possible if Jacob hadn't returned to the pack and taken his rightful role as alpha. In doing so, the treaty evolved, and that was going to would allow us to say our vows in that place which held so many memories. Five years later, we finally felt ready to return, even though we obviously couldn't stay. We hadn't been sure the day would ever come when we would visit Forks again, so this was a watershed moment.

Honestly, the first year was rough. I'd never known that kind of grief. My parents' deaths were overshadowed by my own in a way. Right after my transition, I'd been so busy adjusting to being a newborn that I didn't remember feeling that same sense of loss. It seemed like I grieved the loss of _my_ life, my dreams, my plans more than the loss of my parents. Of course, that made me feel guilty too. Maybe it was just so long ago that I didn't remember the details of my emotions. Maybe someday, I'd feel the same way about Emmett, but I doubted it. A memory like his just didn't fade.

I couldn't say whether it was better or worse being surrounded by others who'd felt that same tremendous grief. Sometimes, it was a relief not to have to talk to know that everyone in the room was feeling exactly the same way. On the other hand, sometimes the cumulative pain was so thick you couldn't see past your nose.

Whether it was right or wrong, we spent that first year in Alaska. Existing.

I think we all assumed that if we went somewhere with happy memories, it would be healthier. Really, we were avoiding making new ones.

If we didn't move forward, we didn't have to create a life with him, without them. In Alaska we knew more visitors would come and go. Garrett and Kate, Carmen and Eleazar. We welcomed the way new "blood" broke up the haze of sadness, forcing us to see what was happening around us, sometimes just to see each other. There were plans to make the lodge into something of a formal newborn vampire training facility, and we were helping to prepare the area.

On one hand, it was good to have something to do, and I appreciated that it didn't involve enrolling in high school yet again. Still, we all knew it wasn't the same. The family would never be the same.

For the most part, my relationship with Bella was solid from the beginning. There was so much we didn't know about each other, but we knew enough, and we learned the rest. Day by day. Hour by hour. Conversation by conversation. Kiss by kiss.

Slowly, the living came again.

Leaving Alaska was my idea, and I honestly expected more resistance from everyone, but I believed that Bella and I needed time together to forge our identity as a couple, and I admit I was ready for the silence. We could all fake a laugh or two here and there; we could put on smiles, but no one hid their thoughts well. Both Jasper and I felt the strain, and sometimes it almost like we exacerbated the problem by being in the same house, like our "talents" fed off each other. I hoped the break would be good for all of us in that way.

Living apart wasn't unusual in the history of our family. We'd split before; at one point or another each couple had spent some time on their own. Of course, I'd also been away from the family before, though the circumstances were obviously difference. Esme was bothered the most, as she always was when faced with separating from any of her children, but she never said a word of protest out loud. She hated seeing the family fractured, but at least this time she knew I wasn't out there alone. She didn't need to worry about me. She was only concerned with how she, Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper would fare with two more gone. Carlisle was itching to get back into a hospital, but they didn't want to get too far away from the lodge so they decided to stay in Alaska but ended up just outside of Juneau.

Bella and I went a different direction entirely. Too many years of snow and rain. Too many days where beauty was shadowed by dark clouds. She never said a word, but I knew Bella missed the sun, in more ways than one, so I asked Esme for permission to use her island. Despite not wanting us to go, she never would have refused us. She actually welcomed our asking. It made her feel more like a mom when she had something to offer. Human mothers often gave food or other gifts. We didn't eat, and we needed nothing. The first time Jasper's friends Peter and Charlotte had come to visit, she'd agonized over how to be hospitable. She obviously couldn't provide a snack. So often, I heard her wrestling with how to best make others happy. Her ability to communicate her love was limited in her mind, though to the rest of us, she'd never failed in that department.

"You make sure you call if you need anything," she'd insisted over and over again while giving Bella tips and instructions for how to best enjoy her piece of paradise.

Carlisle hugged me when we left. Displays of affection between us were rare over the years, coming usually only at times of greetings or farewell. But that hug said more than "have a good trip." A lifetime passed between us. Many mistakes, plenty of disagreements, fear, anger, but most of all, acceptance.

Bella and I enjoyed nearly two years of heaven on Isle Esme. I worried a little about being bored, but it never happened. We read countless books; we swam and danced and laughed. Bella sobbed on her mom's birthday, and she wished her dad a Merry Christmas under a full moon while wading in the sea. We made love, no longer out of an insatiable lust, not that it didn't still exist, but our connection had grown beyond the initial attraction we'd felt all those years before.

Whether it was physical or chemical, we'll never know. We only knew that the spark had to be stoked. We fanned the flames with trust, respect, and honesty.

We didn't fight, but we did get on each others' nerves on occasion. There might have been a time when it would have scared me, when the insecurity would have driven me to rein her in. I'll admit, I'd been tempted at times. But I'd spent a century listening to peoples' most intimate thoughts. There was no escaping the fact that sometimes even the people you loved the most could annoy the hell out of you. Why would it be any different with vampires?

When I started to get too introspective, she would suggest we head to the mainland for some sightseeing or better hunting. I knew that was her cue to tell me that my moodiness was getting old, and it was time to snap out of it. On my end, I could get easily frustrated when Bella resisted my attempts to spoil her; she'd insist it wasn't necessary. Even five years later she sometimes forgot how much more she could do in her new life and reverted to old ways of thinking. Instead of forcing the issue or attempting to bargain with her as I might have in the past, I found teasing her a gentler persuasive tool.

Marriage was merely a formality. It wasn't legally binding. Dead people can't get a marriage license. Our bond was in many ways even more primitive. Mated couples didn't really break up; at least we didn't have any knowledge of it happening.

I spent weeks planning a grand proposal. I wanted my words to be just right. I'd waited so long for this kind of love, and of course, we would remember this moment better and longer than most would. In the end, though, there was nothing grand about it.

One afternoon we sat on the veranda watching the waves dancing in the horizon.

"Do you think it's about time for us to go back?" she asked with uncertainty.

I exhaled. "I've been thinking a lot about that."

"And?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Everyone's pretty spread out now though. Where would we go?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Wow, now isn't that a question?" She looked out over the ocean, searching for answers. "Do you think I'm ready?"

She was asking whether it was possible for her to enter the day to day reality of humans yet. My opinion was less important than her own. "I think so. Do you?"

"Yeah, I'd like to try. I'm probably too old to go to high school though."

"I don't think you see yourself very clearly." It was true; she didn't look much older than I did, but she was the oldest among us, and I knew high school would highlight that point to her. "What about college? Feel like trying your hand at a new major?"

"Maybe, or I could get a job. It probably sounds stupid, but I kind of miss work. Hated it every day I went, but now that I don't need it, somehow it seems less boring."

I laughed. "No. It doesn't sound stupid to me at all. I kind of like work too."

"So, that didn't limit anything at all," she sighed.

"Well, I have one idea," I began. "This isn't exactly how I planned to do this." I looked down at my feet.  
"I thought maybe we could start by going back to the beginning."

She raised an eyebrow in obvious confusion.

"That didn't make sense did it? Let me start again. Bella, are you happy?"

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. She nodded. "Aren't you?"

"Blissfully so," I answered. "I can't imagine my life without you, and I never want to try. You are already my friend, my lover, my partner. Would you consider being my wife?"

"You're asking me to marry you?"

"I am."

"I will."

It was that simple, most definitely not grand at all.

When I told her my idea to get married in Forks, she was doubtful we could pull it off, and she wasn't sure she was ready, but she warmed to the idea after she talked to Jake.

Our plans were simple. Just a gathering of friends in the place that started it all. A wedding. A reunion. In a different time, we probably wouldn't have gotten away with something so simple, but no one seemed motivated to go overboard. Simple worked.

By the time Bella and I left Brazil, the guest list was secure save for one person, Rosalie. I spoke with her a couple of weeks prior; she said she was happy for us. She wished us well and told us she'd try to be there, but her voice cracked at the end.

Alice said Rosalie was changing her mind too frequently to get a strong read about whether she would show up or not. Everyone else important to us planned to be there. Even Felix was coming; he and Tanya were each other's 'plus one.' I didn't know whether they were headed toward a happily ever after, but I think they both appreciated the chance for some companionship after a long period of solitude.

I waited for the bags at the carousel while Bella went to the rental car counter.

"Need any help? You look out of shape."

The voice instantly filled me with joy and pain. I closed my eyes.

"You must have been distracted. You can usually hear me from a mile away."

"Rosalie," I whispered.

"You didn't really think I'd miss this did you?"

"I would have understood if you couldn't . . . "

"Nope, we're not doing that, okay?" Her thoughts told me what I needed to know. This wasn't easy, and she was working very hard to be strong, but she needed help. I knew her well enough to understand that external avoidance didn't mean she wasn't confronting the difficult emotions internally.

"Thanks for coming," I said, opening my arms, inviting her in. She eyed them, conflicting thoughts in her head. In five years, she'd touched people in fighting and in training. She'd high fived and shook hands. She had not let anyone into that personal bubble though. It scared her. To give in would make it difficult to go back, to put up the walls, to forget again. She took a deep breath.

"Oh what the hell," she announced her arms flinging wide as we carefully collided. For a moment, everyone and everything in that space disappeared. I heard nothing but her thoughts. Her confused, strained, but ultimately surprising thoughts. "_Who would have thought I could ever miss you so much_?"

I chuckled as we broke apart. We continued to look at each other, observing.

"You look different," she said finally.

"That's impossible," I reminded her.

"I don't think it's physical," she answered.

I caught sight of our bags coming around the carousel. I grabbed one and pretended it took some effort to heave it off its rotating axis.

"So, what are you doing here really?"

"Oh nothing much. I've just got this wedding to attend," she said rolling her eyes.

"I mean here at the airport. Now. Did you know we were here?"  
"Yeah. I got in a few hours ago actually. Alice called and told me if I waited I could snag a ride with you."

"You didn't come with Tanya and Felix?"

"Nah, it was sort of impulsive," she trailed off. I nodded, but I'm not sure she noticed because she was looking off in the other direction.

"So, how are Tanya and Felix?"

She snorted. "Good. You know."

"I admit I was a little surprised."

"Yeah, I think everyone was." We mimicked the pace of other travelers heading somewhere. Faster than a casual stroll, but much slower than we could have if no one were watching. "Tanya was pretty messed up at first. Between Irina and . . ."

"Demetri?" I finished for her.

"You knew?" She shook her head. "Of course you knew."

"I only knew where both their heads were."

"Anyway, she moved to the anger stage of grief pretty fast. Felix was good with that. Really only Felix and I could handle being around her. I think they just kind of fell into it."

"It happens."

She nodded, a tight smile stretching her face. "Yeah, it does."

We walked the last few paces in silence. Bella was at the counter, keys in hand, listening to instructions from the rental car agent.

"She's doing well," Rosalie said out of nowhere, motioning toward Bella.

"She is," I agreed readily.

"You're happy?"

"I am."

She slipped her hand in mine, and squeezed. "I'm glad. I really am."

At that moment, Bella turned. She was looking down at the papers in her hand. When she looked up and saw us, she stopped mid stride, her mouth open in surprise.

"_Uh oh_," Rose thought. It was ironic really. Both of these women were so concerned about the other. Bella had worried that Rose blamed her for everything, especially for Emmett. Rose wondered how Bella would feel having her at the wedding, given our history. Bella had laughed that off, noting that our guest list contained more ex lovers than any couple in history. But the trepidation was natural. They'd never really known each other. What interactions they'd had were tainted by fear, by defensiveness, and ultimately, by death.

I squeezed her hand back, assuring her. Bella smiled then and began to walk forward. We met her half way.

"Rosalie, I'm so happy you could make it."

There was an awkward moment. Most women would hug, but neither of them saw that as a logical move. Handshakes were too formal. Only a smile passed between them.

Bella held up the keys. "So who's driving?"

Rose and I reached out at the same time. Our hands crashed together, creating a boom. It wasn't so loud as to send people ducking for cover, but people definitely looked in our direction.

"Maybe I should get my own rental," Rose teased, but let me take the keys.

The beginning of the ride was punctuated by small talk about our respective trips. How was the flight? How long did it take? Innocuous, boring.

I felt safe with those standard questions, still not sure how Bella and Rosalie might fare together talking about anything more substantive. It was surprising, then, that I was the one responsible for the turn of conversation.

I'd been contemplating Rose's statement. "_You look different_."

Vampires didn't change. We all knew that. I couldn't figure out what she meant by that. I looked up in the mirror, trying to see what she had, but I was met with the same image I'd always seen.

Every time Rosalie spoke, I glanced in the rear view mirror. I watched her when she talked. I watched her when she listened. I watched her when she stared out the window, not interacting at all.

Whether she sensed it, or whether it was happenstance, she met my gaze in the mirror and smiled.

"You look different , too," I said suddenly.

"No, I don't," she answered.

"Yes, you do," Bella interjected. "I noticed it right away."

Rosalie followed my process, staring at herself in the mirror. She even pulled out a compact from her bag to get a closer look. After a few minutes, she closed it.

"Huh."

"You see it?" I asked.

She nodded. "A little bit."

"You look great," Bella added.

"Thanks," Rosalie snorted. "I feel okay. It's funny really. I was bitter for a very long time. Well, you know. I didn't want this life, or whatever we wanted to call it."

"And now?" I pressed.

"I don't know. I suppose it's sad that it took what happened to make me come to terms with some things. You know, I had almost eighty years with Emmett. How many people can say that? It was a damn good eighty years."

She paused, reflecting I imagine. We didn't dare interrupt her.

"I wanted to be mad about all the years I'd lost with him, and for a while, I suppose I was, but then the more I thought about him, the more I realized that I wasn't given that many years with him to walk away learning nothing."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Emmett never questioned a damn thing about this life or the last one. He took everything as it came and made the best of it. He met every challenge with enthusiasm. That man had more joy in one dimple than I had in my whole body. If I don't look back on him with happiness and gratitude, then I missed the whole point."

We didn't respond. What could you say to that?

It was a long silence before Bella broke it. "Wow, that's just . . ." Rosalie cut her off almost instantly.

"Oh now don't go giving me too much credit. I still get pissed off a lot, and there are days when all I want his to join him wherever he is. But you don't get to be loved by a man like Emmett McCarty and not come out changed for the better."

Subtly, Bella's hand reached for my thigh, squeezing gently. An acknowledgement of so many things I imagine.

"So I'm in as good a place as you could expect, considering, and I'm sorry it took me a while to decide to come this week."

"It's okay," Bella answered for us both.

"No, it's not. It was selfish. And it wasn't really about you or the wedding; it was seeing everyone, especially here."

The way she said it I knew the subject of Emmett was closed. I respected it by shifting the conversation. "So you think Italy's been good for you?"

"I know it has. I mean, I miss everyone, of course, but it's been good in a lot of ways. For one, I sure don't miss high school. Sometimes I think that constant repetition stunted my growth a little. Playing a teenager makes you act like one. I feel more like a grown up now." She paused. I nodded. Then she looked directly at me. "You do too."

I didn't hesitate to answer. "Yes."

"That's what's different, isn't it?"

I looked from her reflection to mine.

"Yeah, I see that," I smiled.

* * *

There's little to say about the wedding. It was mine so by default, it was perfect. As far as weddings go, it was fairly typical. Esme sobbed through the whole thing. Carlisle beamed with pride.

Alice and Jasper stood up for us, an antiquated term, but not without meaning to me.

It was all a little comical really. Esme insisted on a pastor, and she found who was willing to travel out from far enough away as to not cause suspicion. We signed (non) legal documents. Bella signed the name of her current id, "Isabella Renee Charles." We'd been cautious not to have anything legally drawn up with her formal name, just in case it were ever printed anywhere. That was why I used my id with the last name Masen as well.

It wasn't the only reason though. While we would forever in our hearts be known as Edward and Bella Cullen, I'd always believed Edward Anthony Masen deserved to be married.

He deserved that moment when his bride came into view as she walked down the aisle. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He had every right to that that feeling of pride and joy that emerged when the pastor said, "You may now kiss the bride" and he turned to face the woman he loved. He earned the privilege of holding her lips to his just a little longer than he should have.

Once the vows were exchanged, the pastor bid farewell, we had our version of a reception. We didn't have food or presents. There was no DJ, and Bella didn't throw a bouquet. We talked. We caught up.

As expected, the topic quickly shifted to the progress being made in Italy and around the world. Tanya grew animated when she explained it.

She shocked the room when she turned suddenly to Bella. "Oh and I almost forgot. Bella, we were wondering if you wanted to do the blog again?"

"Huh," Bella choked. "I thought we agreed we didn't want to go to public with the humans."

"Well, you see, here's our theory," Tanya began slowly. "We're sort of guessing that most people who read your blog thought you were crazy. Those that didn't are probably a little nuts themselves."

Everyone looked to Bella cautiously.

She began to giggle. "Fair enough. So, what does starting it up again do?"

"Two things," Felix added. "It's a form of communication, a link if you will, between us and other vampires. It's already coded, and I imagine it would pick back up quickly even after all this time."

"And the other?" Bella asked.

"For those few humans who might actually seek vampires, we can give them tools to better deal with it. Maybe give them someone to contact."

"Interesting," Bella nodded.

"Interesting good, or interesting bad?" Rose wondered.

"Interesting, I'll think about it."

It turns out we were wrong about a few things. Vampires do change, and perhaps, they're more like humans than we ever believed. The family threads had loosened, stretched from time and circumstance, but they hadn't ripped apart yet.

That night, I played the piano while Jasper sang. Esme and Carlisle danced around the living room; Carmen goaded Eleazar into joining them. Bella and Alice shared stories about Isle Esme. Jake leaned against the wall, Leah's hand in his. Garrett teased Seth about how old he was getting while Kate shook her head and laughed. Tanya balanced on Felix's knee, as she tapped the song's melody on the arm of the chair. I looked up from the piano to scan the room, and I found Rosalie looking at me.

"_Congratulations, old friend_." And then she closed her eyes.

Though some of us were missing, their impact would never be forgotten.

And that's how it began.

That night, we all began to weave our lives back together again.

* * *

**Bella's Bloodsucking Blog**

**February 23****rd****, 2014**

Anyone still out there?

I bet you thought I was dead. If anyone even remembers this blog exists, welcome back. I know it's been an exceptionally long time, and I apologize for leaving you hanging. Life took some unexpected turns. It wasn't easy, but in the end, I'm happy with where I am.

To be honest, I've struggled for years with whether to post anything more, but it seems to be that there is unfinished business here.

I would imagine the number one question after all this time is . . . do you still believe vampires exist?

Remember when I told you the story of my finding out Santa Claus wasn't real? I know Santa isn't real, but I love the idea of him. The concept of giving and the kind of magic it would take to make so many people happy amazes me.

Isn't everything kind of like that? I can tell you there are werewolves and vampires and fairies and centaurs and whatever other mythological creatures you may read about. And then what? What do you do with that? Do you hunt them down? Do you try to kill them? Do you want to be friends?

Here's what it comes down to for me now. It doesn't matter what monsters are out there. You can chase them; you can try to destroy them, but you'll be missing the point. Because what I've learned is the focus needs to be on the internal demons. They're more dangerous. They're the ones that destroy relationships, which hurt the people you love, and stop you from living up to your potential.

After that PSA, let me tell you why I'm back.

It was time.

Things are changing all around us, and this seems like a good venue to help aid the transition.

My blogs are going to be different now. I don't feel the need to prove anything to you anymore. You can believe whatever you want. I'm just here to give some advice, provide information. I don't even have a plan yet for what all I'll be talking about. I'm working with some others to figure out what all we want to discuss.

I am putting together a detailed piece for next time though about newborn vampires. This won't be about process but about their nature and their reactions.

And I might wax a little more philosophical this time around, just because.

So on that note, pull up a chair and learn a few things.

And if you've got a demon or two you want to face, well then . . .

Happy Hunting!

**E/N:**

**Thank you so much for reading, and love to staceygirl aka jackbauer for making me write it. It was actually cathartic for me. Thanks to hmonster4 for the beta as always. **

**Someday, I may write a certain outtake that would make lucette21 a very happy woman, but it would probably be separate from the original story. **

**Thanks for reading, and I'd love to know what you think of the epilogue. **


	36. Gothward Outtake FGB

**A/N: This outtake was commissioned by the absolutely fabulous lucette21 who won me in the most recent Fandom Gives Back. She's long been requesting this outtake. She has graciously agreed to share it.**

**In the first full Rabbit Hole chapter, Edward mentioned that he and Emmett once dressed up in goth until they got in trouble and had to stop. **

**This outtake chronicles that period in their lives. It's bittersweet for sure.**

**All my love to hmonster4 for beta'ing, and daisy3853 for a pre-read/catching all my dumb errors.**

_Pre-Twilight/Rabbit Hole_

Though the idea came to me a few weeks prior, in the end, it all happened rather spontaneously.

We moved at the end of the school year, just after the last of us graduated high school. It was a natural transition. Everyone's emotions were mixed. It was always that way when we moved. On one hand, moving meant leaving behind routines and houses. On the other, new towns brought new hope.

Esme would take one final walk through her lavish gardens and then turn her eye toward the possibilities that availed her in the next house. Rosalie and Emmett just had another wedding, and Alice was disappointed we moved before she had her chance. But then she realized she didn't really have anyone to invite anyway. So, she grew excited at the prospect of finding a friend in the new town, someone other than her family. She was determined to find a way to fit in this time.

I didn't care.

Not even a little. The last town was the same as the one before it, and I expected this one wouldn't be any different. They all melted into each other at some point, and eventually, my memories meshed as well, until it was all one giant experience. Few teachers or classmates stood out. I didn't learn anything new. I rarely talked to anyone outside of my family other than required class projects. So, there was nothing to distinguish one high school from the next except school colors and the types of cars students drove.

I was hoping the next round in this game would occur in a major city. There, our story could be altered significantly. We could all live separately if we wanted, or we could buy a damn condo building and each have an apartment. It might at least increase the illusion of privacy while still staying close. I was hoping I might attend a music conservatory or start another college degree. It wasn't much of a dream, but it had to be better than enrolling in high school yet again.

Unfortunately, my arguments held no weight. It came down to a few simple facts. First, by and large, the women in my family preferred the social environment of one house, one family, one story. Second, the women in my family were highly influential when it came to their significant others. Third, I didn't have a woman. I was always odd man out when it came to decision making. Fourth, Carlisle felt we called less attention to ourselves if we didn't attempt to accomplish much.

"You would stand out too much in a conservatory, Edward," he argued.

So I would have to smile and nod, or more appropriately shrug and skulk, but regardless, I would go to whatever godforsaken town my family chose. I would attend whichever high school they enrolled me in. I would do that for a couple of specific reasons, not the least of which was that I loved my family without condition or exception. I might have resented their partnerships, their optimism for our way of life. I may have butted heads with each of them on some issue at one time or another, but I didn't have a strong desire to live without them anymore.

Further, I had come to see my imprisonment in the most mundane aspect of human society as exactly that, a punishment for the years in which I had chosen to play God. Carlisle and Esme welcomed me back all those years ago without hesitation. They forgave, but none of us ever forgot. My guilt was the only thing I carried that ever felt heavy. Repenting was not enough. I deserved to rot in Introduction to Literature for the rest of my life, listening to barely graduated neophytes attempt to teach the masses culture. It was my purgatory and my hell combined.

I told Carlisle I had one stipulation - I wanted to have a part time job. He was suspicious of my reasoning. They tended to treat me with kid gloves at times, as if my wanting to do things without them somehow meant I was ready to run. I explained that I did sometimes need time away from the house, and occasionally, I liked to feel useful. He couldn't argue against that.

Although, I'm not sure that working the late shift at the local convenience store was exactly serving society, my choices in occupation were limited. When you claim to be sixteen and moving from out of state, it's not as if you're going to be wearing a suit and tie to work.

Emmett laughed so hard he literally doubled over. Even Rose couldn't bite back a smile.

"So, Mr. Sunshine is going to be in customer service? Doesn't Carlisle give you a big enough allowance?"

I didn't have an appropriate comeback because anything I could say would be turned around against me. I tried to explain my thoughts on the matter. I'd read countless theoretical books that talked about how people gained satisfaction from a job well done, how there was a crisis of identity in U.S. culture as jobs turned more white collar and high tech because you could no longer see the finished product at the end of the day. Work was good for humans; it was worth a try for me.

Rosalie scoffed and reminded me it was stupid to play human.

Emmett told me to go for a hunt.

Esme suggested a new hobby.

I just wanted something to do.

In the end, I decided who better to man the counter at a convenience store than a vampire. I didn't need sleep. Potential thieves would be incredibly surprised if they pulled a gun on me. In the first few weeks of my job, I spent hours fantasizing about the best way to crush their dreams. Would I use my speed to come at them from behind, completely disarming them? Or would I use my strength to twist their guns into pretzels? Would I even go so far as to let them shoot me, just to see their reaction when it had little impact?

Fortunately or unfortunately, I didn't have any opportunities to put my plans in motion. The worst I dealt with were fourteen year old brats who stood by the slushy machine taking the one free refill policy much too far. Or younger kids who tried to walk off with candy bars stuffed in their pockets. I was named employee of the week shortly after I started because my loss ratio was the lowest ever. Mind reading was a useful skill. Knowing someone's intention is a great way to prevent the crime.

I stood by would-be shoplifters, pretending to "face" the aisle. I called out to multiple re-fill folks asking if they needed any help.

I also developed something of a fan club. The slushie machine boys had a group of girls who followed them to the store every evening. They giggled, and oohed and aahed when the boys revealed their latest video game scores. Within a short time, the girls started arriving earlier than the boys. They stopped asking the boys about their RPG's; instead, they hung by the counter, batting eyelashes and licking lollipops suggestively.

"So you new around here?" a blond who had not yet hit puberty asked, her mouth covered in dark red lipstick, half of which now remained on the straw of her drink, so that the middle of her lips was a shade lighter than the edges.

"Yes," I said.

"Really? Will you, like, be going to school here and everything?"

"Yes." I turned around to rearrange the lotto display and send a not so subtle hint, but they didn't get it.

Like a pinball machine, their thoughts lit up with the potential.

"_I wonder if he'll need help with homework_," thought one. "_I'll offer when school starts_."

Another looked at both her friends. "_He'd have to pick me. They don't stand a chance_."

"_People always tell me I'm funny. I'm going to come in earlier, before my friends get here, and tell him jokes_."

Each one thought if they just hung out here long enough, they could walk into the first day of school with fresh older boy meat on their arm. Later that night, I created a few large "No Loitering" signs and placed them strategically on the front window and near the counter.

"Store policy," I said the next night, and I pointed up at the camera. "I don't want to get in trouble."

Dejected, but not completely out of the hunt, they began to wear more revealing clothing, hoping to make a bigger impact with their reduced time in my presence. I discovered there was little as pathetic as girls with practically concave chests wearing string bikini tops and Daisy Dukes, but when I took the time to really listen to what was going on their heads, I found I was less annoyed and more sympathetic. I'd been privy to their thoughts long enough to know teenage girls were probably the most insecure humans all throughout history. As much as I never wanted to encourage their behavior, I didn't want to add to their self doubt.

I almost told them I was gay, but then I realized they were still lusting after a kid who wore guyliner and carried a man purse who they all thought probably was gay. So that wouldn't have been much of a deterrent.

I decided humans were idiots, and teenage humans were the idiots of the idiots.

I didn't hate them. I was probably more jealous than anything else. Really, they were lucky. This was just one stage in their lives. Eventually, they would grow and mature. These were tremendous attributes from my perspective.

As I worked, I paid more attention not only to the Slushie girls, but to all the humans in the store. I watched them with greater interest this time around, vowing to have more fun, to interact more. I paid attention to their reactions, to what really got them excited. Somewhere in there my plan began to form. In theory, I should instill fear in them just by virtue of being who I was, but I'd spent so many years charming them that while they seemed to instinctually know to avoid me, they didn't even register their own fear. So, of all the emotions I could have explored, it only made sense that their fear would naturally be the one to twist. It took me a while to figure out how to shake things up without causing any real suspicion.

I wasn't the only one struggling with my human/vampire relationships. Jasper was probably the only other one who knew the depth of Alice's desire to play with the big kids so to speak. I always assumed it was her lack of memory of her own teenage years which made her feel so desperate to experience someone else's. In any case, she'd spent years watching the popular kids longingly. She bested them in style, looks, and even knowledge of what was truly hip, but she was still an outsider.

We spent our first few weeks acclimating to the new house and its surroundings.

We always lived near some sort of wooded area, for emergency meals, but we all preferred more remote areas for true sustenance. Over the years, I'd grown to appreciate the relative quiet of the spaces outside of the house, particularly during the school year when my head would buzz with hundreds of voices at once. I became intimately familiar with our local flora and fauna, spending hours enjoying the hum of birds, the cracking of branches, and the crunching of leaves under paws. These simple sounds were a much needed break from the cacophony of whines, lies, secrets, regrets, insecurities, put downs, and one ups I listened to all day long. My family tended to give me a fairly wide berth when I told them I was going for a walk because they knew it was sometimes my only chance to get others' voices outside of my head.

I was surprised, then, one July afternoon when I heard the faint sounds of clapping, followed by a voice I'd know anywhere, shouting, "T-A-K-E, take that ball away."

I realize my laughter was unwarranted, but in my defense, it was a funny to find her standing in the middle of a small clearing wearing an outfit I'd only seen in Jasper's fantasies. The red and white skirt flared as she twirled around to face me.

"I knew you were here, and you didn't have to laugh at me."

I was startled by her verbal assault, but immediately felt guilty for my lack of composure. I got defensive in response.

"Did you expect privacy when you came out here knowing I was already here?"

"You don't get sole claim to the woods, Edward. Sometimes we all want a moment to ourselves."

"Alice?" It was one of those questions meant more as a challenge, for everything in her body language and tone of voice told me she didn't really want to be alone.

She paused, looking down at her shoes. "Fine. I could use some help."

"From me?"

"Well, the thing is …you're the only person I wouldn't be able to hide it from anyway, so why not?"

Involuntarily, my eyebrow arched, and I smirked. "Do you want me to come up with cheers?"

"No, don't be ridiculous," she said, waving a hand in exacerbation. "I want you to help me with control, physical control. I thought maybe if I practiced being light… I don't know. Perhaps if you were feeling kind, you could also let me practice for you."

I know I rolled my eyes, because she looked down sheepishly. These were the kinds of moments when it was clear, no matter how many years we had on this earth, we still held hadn't grown much beyond the maturity of our human counterparts.

"I'm sorry, Alice. Of course, I'll help." I tried hard not to sound bitter or make her feel stupid because ultimately, I didn't begrudge Alice this dream. I understood where it came from even if I thought the desire unhealthy..

"Oh Edward!" She ran toward me at such a force she nearly threw me off balance. Nearly, but not quite. It was easy to see Alice only like this, energetic and overly exuberant. Too optimistic and, perhaps, unnecessarily concerned with shallow endeavors, but it was only one fraction of her character. Like Rosalie could be seen as a bitch, or Emmett as a brute, we all carried something from our human life that defined us no matter how much we thought we'd changed. "You can help me figure out what to say to Carlisle too!"

I groaned at that, but of course, I had to try. We spent many afternoons in that clearing, using both plants and animals to test various pyramid positions and acrobatic moves. In addition to practicing for the audition, she rehearsed the speech she would give Carlisle over and over before she finally felt ready to approach him.

Alice waited until everyone else was out of the house. I was home, so I heard the conversation, but it was something Alice wanted to address on her own.

"Carlisle, I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Of course, come in," Carlisle said when Alice showed up at his office.

"Well, school starts again soon, and I saw a sign when I was registering a couple of weeks ago. They're holding cheerleading tryouts tomorrow. I've been thinking about going."

Carlisle was perhaps the most patient man in history, but his thoughts couldn't hide that he could still grow tired. _Again?_ His internal voice seemed almost annoyed for a second before he composed himself to answer vocally.

"We've had this conversation before, Alice, and you know how I feel."

"Yes, I know, but I've been thinking about it, and I believe my control is excellent. I've always understood my own strength. I just can't envision a scenario where I'd truly do damage to a human."

"You can't because you're biased. The worst things that can happen are often those we cannot imagine because we are too good in our intentions to see the possibility."

He watched her face fall, and he could feel the indignation stirring in her.

"Alice, you do have excellent control, but it's one thing to worry about not breaking a pencil in class and another to cause serious injury to someone. Working in close proximity to humans in a physical sport creates so much uncertainty."

"I could do it without your permission, you know." For a brief second, Alice was every bit the petulant child. It wasn't a role she played often, particularly not with Carlisle, but this issue brought out the worst in her.

"Of course you could. I have never forbidden you to do so. I have merely expressed my serious reservations.

"I know," she said quietly. Her mind was racing. It was something she really wanted, but knowing it would disappoint Carlisle was equally unpleasant. I could see the defiance and obedience battling it out on her face. She wanted to yell and she wanted to cry, but neither seemed appropriate. "Well, I just thought I'd see if your position had changed."

"It has not."

She sighed. "Neither has mine."

"Alice, isn't there another activity? Theatre or band perhaps?"

She shook her head. "I can't explain it."

"Fair enough," he said. "It seems you are leaning toward going, and all I can say is be careful, and of course, 'break a leg.'"

"As long as it's my own and not someone else's," Alice said with a smirk.

"Indeed," Carlisle answered.

On Thursday, Alice donned shorts with the word, "Cheer" stamped across the behind. She wore minimal make up, and a bright blue tank top. If nothing else, she was determined to stand out. She practiced her original cheer over and over in her head. She planned a routine that would showcase both her power and her grace. Her anticipation was driving Jasper so nuts she finally told him he should come back later. Most of all, Alice was confident that, at the end of the day, her vision would be a reality. How could she fail?

I found her several hours later in the woods, sitting on the bank of a narrow creek, her feet dangling in the water.

I approached slowly, but didn't attempt to hide my presence.

"It's okay. You don't have to be quiet," she said.

"I was worried when you didn't come back."

"I didn't hurt anyone," she answered quickly, showcasing a slightly defensive tone.

"I didn't mean that. Besides, Carlisle would have known that." Alice shook her head, not ready to feel any levity in the situation. I changed my tone. "What happened?"

"I couldn't do it."

It would never have occurred to me that nerves would bring her down, so I assumed there was more to it. I waited patiently, leaning up against a tree.

"They were so cute and so young and so full of hope. I chatted with a couple of them. This one freshman girl was a little overweight, and she was so afraid to try out because she thought everyone would laugh at her. I don't know. I just kept thinking of Carlisle's words and all the what ifs, and I couldn't live with myself if I actually did hurt one of them."

"I'm sorry, Alice. That had to be hard."

"Thanks. I'll be okay." She closed her eyes and inhaled unnecessarily.

"Want me to get Jasper?"

"No, I'll be back soon. I just needed a minute, you know?"

"Of course. Do you me to go?"

She looked over toward me, and then her eyes turned back toward the creek. "Not really."

I took a few steps toward where she sat on the bank to join her. Once my legs hit the water, I felt her head fall against my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her, and we sat like that for a while.

"Sometimes, it's just hard," she said.

"I know."

Her mind flashed toward a girl with braces. She was cute, in an awkward teenager kind of way. Her smile was tentative at first, revealing a lack of confidence. She carried maybe an extra fifteen pounds, just enough not to look like everyone else, but not enough that you could really say she was a big girl. The way she wore her clothes though it seemed clear she felt big. She began a cheer, one I recognized instantly. She got louder and her smile grew bigger the more she went.

I looked at Alice, and she was smiling as the scene played out in her head, and understanding hit me.

"You gave her your cheer."

"She had a high audition number so there was time. Didn't she look great? I really hope she makes the squad."

"Yes, she did very well." I stood and held my hand out to Alice. She took it happily, and I jokingly pulled with force as if she were heavy. She punched me in the arm, and I pretended to wince in pain. As we walked back toward the house, I said, "You did well today too."

Maybe my actions following were petty and even a little stupid, but it was my way of rebelling I suppose, and I figured it was far healthier than any other way I might prove my point, though I wasn't even sure I could articulate what that point was. I was a little frustrated with Carlisle for not being more supportive or more willing to take risks. Obviously, he was right; he usually was, but in this instance, I felt bad for Alice.

I asked Emmett to go on a hunting trip with me, and that was where we laid the foundation. Needless to say, he required no convincing. I got a simultaneous fist bump and a "Hell yeah." He left the details to me until the morning of the first day of school.

About a half an hour before we were scheduled to leave, he announced casually, "I think I'll ride with Edward today."

Rosalie's head snapped up and she glared at him. "Why?"

"Just a little brotherly bonding." His tone gave nothing away , but his smile was pushing it.

"What are you up to?" She turned to face me. Of course, she would blame me. I shrugged, playing the tortured teenager role to the maximum. She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and with a wave turned and walked out the front door.

Emmett was eager to get into character so to speak.. He watched as the others piled into Rosalie's car and headed down the driveway. Then he turned to me, beaming. "This is going to be too fun. Did you get everything?"

"Hold on," I said putting up a finger. I needed to make sure that Esme was safely tucked away in her garden. She had headphones on, and the only thoughts were of the lyrics to the songs she was mouthing and how she might tame the weeds this year.

"Okay, come on."

I had spread everything out on my bed, and Emmett laughed when he saw it. "Did you buy the whole store?"

"Hardly. You wouldn't believe the things I saw."

"I wish I could get my tongue pierced," Emmett lamented. "I suppose it would close up within an hour."

"Gotcha covered," I said throwing a bag at him. I'd picked up a few fake items, like a fake nose ring. We carried our treasure out the front door without stopping to say goodbye to anyone. We drove the few miles to the convenience store where I worked. They early morning casher nodded toward me but didn't say anything as we made our way to the bathroom.

"So where do we start?" he wondered eyeing the bags we'd set on the counter. "Clothes or makeup?"

"Clothes?" I suggested almost wishing we had help in this process. I'd considered enlisting the aid of one of the girls who hung out behind the convenience store, smoking clove cigarettes, silently staring at some spot, appearing deep in existential though. But then I swore one of them growled at me as I passed and opted to go it alone.

When I reached out to grab the red shirt I'd picked out for me, Emmett gasped. "You did your nails!"

"Uh yeah, I figured they'd need time to dry."

"Damn, I want that."

"Maybe you can paint them on the way to school."

Emmett nodded eagerly, and dove into the other bags looking for what he perceived to be the best combination of clothes.

"I think this is your best idea ever, Edward."

"Or my worst, but either way, it's definitely not boring."

We worked as fast as we could, but neither of us had mastered eye liner and lipstick.

"Maybe we should have asked Alice for help with this," he said. "I can't believe she didn't see this one coming."

"She doesn't see everything, but I was surprised a vision never came. All I know is, if she knows it's coming, she's kept it on lock down."

Emmett eyed the container that held make up designed to make its wearers look lighter. He laughed and put the cover back on, figuring we were white enough we could skip that part.

"Think they'll be pissed?" I knew who he meant without him offering further clarification.

"I don't know. I guess I'm not sure what the big deal is."

"Bullshit. If you didn't think we were facing an uphill battle, we'd be getting ready in the house."

"I suppose you're right. I just didn't feel the need to explain myself," I said as I added more black lipstick. "Are you worried about Rosalie's reaction?"

"Nah. I mean she's going to be pissed, probably because she's not going to want to be seen with me, but she'll get over it. She knows she can't tame me any more than I can put her in a cage, and I've told you before. I wouldn't have it any other way."

I laughed and shook my head.

"Speaking of people you can't tame, have you talked to Tanya lately?"

"No." I had a feeling he already knew the answer, and perhaps, this conversation was one of those that originated somewhere else. "Whose bidding are you doing?"

Emmett shrugged. "We all worry. You know that."

"There's no need. I'm fine."

He stared at me for a second and then shook his head. "You are so not fine, dude."

"Maybe not, but Tanya isn't a part of getting closer to fine."

"You're sure? I mean, Tanya's pretty amazing."

"I never said she wasn't. But amazing and amazing for me are two different things."

"I suppose. All I know is that I can't imagine going through this life without someone by my side, if you know what I mean. You were alone a long time. I mean I have no idea how you abstained for that long. It still gives me the chills. Sometimes I just wonder if you might be a little picky since she was your first and all."

I opened my mouth and closed it quickly. I'd always hated keeping this lie from him, but this was not the time or place to reveal that Tanya had not been my first sexual experience.

"Emmett, why do you love Rosalie?"

"Have you seen her?"

"Dumbass, you love her for more than her looks."

"Yeah, I know. The only answer I can come up with is 'how can I not?'"

"Exactly. Love doesn't seem to be a choice you make. A relationship is, but not love. I've watched too many people try to force the emotion, and it doesn't work very well."

"Fair enough." We worked in silence for a few minutes before he continued. "Have you ever considered going off on your own?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Not like before. I mean like, to meet some other vampires or something. Seems like your kind of limiting your options here."

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"Maybe a little," he teased. "I was thinking just for a while or something. Just to see what's out there."

"Yes, I'm sure the odds of my finding the perfect vegetarian vampire mate are very high."

"Maybe she's not a vampire, yet."

"Who?"

"Your soul mate." I waited for a follow up snort or a roll of his eyes, but he was dead serious.

"You really think there's that one person out there for everyone?"

"There was for us. And think about it. With Esme and me, we didn't start out like you."

"Well, sure, I'll start slumming with humans to see what I can find," I said, dismissing his idea.

"Whatever, you know what I mean. Just, like, don't assume you'll always be miserable."

We knew the exact moment Alice saw a vision because our phones lit up simultaneously, his with a call from Rosalie, and mine a text from Jasper warning me that "_Rose is pissed_."

I looked at Emmett, and he shrugged.

"Still up for it?"

"Yup. You know what I always say. Go big or go home!" he said.

We walked into school wearing our characters well. Emmett's size was only emphasized by the threatening spikes coming out of his head and around his neck. I'd checked the school's dress code, and technically, nothing we wore was in direct violation. Still, I wondered if we'd be sent to the principal's office.

He walked with purpose and an attitude that said, "Don't fuck with me." In the movies, people parted high school hallways like Moses and the Red Sea, causing a scampering from side to side. But this was more a slow motion reaction. People were so busy talking, catching up and comparing schedules, that Emmett practically had to bump into them to get them to move. Once they saw him, they literally jumped before running to get out of his way, apologizing profusely for being there in the first place.

Other art freaks - theater geeks and goth kids - took notice instantly. One of them contemplated approaching us, but never worked up the guts. We had something they never had. They'd been stared at and picked on, but they'd never walked the hall with power, never instilled fear. They watched in awe, wondering if Emmett could somehow be their savior. If we really were like them, what would it mean for their social status?

I followed wordlessly, my head mostly down, taking in the voices. The Slushie girls recognized me right away.

"Oh my god, it's the guy from the Stop N Go!" the quiet one who wondered if I needed homework help said. "Holy crap, he looks hot."

Her friends looked at the girl like she had three heads. "Well, I think so anyway."

I turned and winked at her.

Her mouth opened wide, and her hand flew up to cover it.

Emmett was on a high. His thoughts ranged from. _This is fucking fantastic_ to _Does leather cause chafing?_ What he loved most of all was the ability to wield power, something we were usually so cautious about doing. It was different using something other humans were chastised for as a way to feel strong. He could flaunt it more.

I avoided talking to the rest of the family all morning. I got texts from Alice, Jasper, and Emmett.

"_What were you thinking_?"

"_You look good in makeup._"

"_Shit, Rose is more pissed than I thought. I might be hanging out in your room tonight_."

Lunch presented a conundrum. I walked with a herd of people down the hall to the cafeteria. Emmett was right behind me, drawing as much attention as he had earlier in the day. I went through the line, absent mindedly choosing a few items that I would pretend to eat. I hated the schools that didn't have an open campus. I much preferred when we could just go hang out in our cars or run home, thus avoiding this ridiculous charade.

With a tray full of food I'd only waste, I faced a dilemma. Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice sat in a far corner, pushing food around on their plates. Instantly, I knew Rosalie wanted me nowhere near her. She wasn't thinking about me directly, but was rifling through every violent image one could imagine while staring directly at me.

"_She won't cause a scene here_," Alice thought.

Emmett and I started to walk in their direction when I noticed another table. One filled with kids sporting purple hair, black trench coats, and a macabre menagerie of high heeled boots. A few looked up at me. They weren't the type to smile widely and wave me over, but a slight lean of the head in their direction told me I was welcome to sit there with them. They were almost afraid themselves. Would I consider myself too good for them?

Turning my back on the daggers Rosalie was throwing in my direction and a confused Emmett who stood motionless for a minute before continuing on to our original destination, I sat down at the table with the other goth freaks. There were introductions. Like any lunchroom table, kids talked randomly about their classes, their after school activities, their new playlists. Despite all outward appearances, this table was far more normal than the one were my brothers and sisters sat, saying nothing, seething, and shifting food around on the plate.

I was struck by the irony as kids who thought they were cool talked about their classmates at this table. They jeered. A few wondered what kind of rituals we performed at the end of the day. Some pointed and laughed. Meanwhile, others were throwing glances toward the table of new kids. They commented on how hot Rosalie was. The guys were infatuated. The girls were intimidated. A few thought Alice seemed nice. No one considered that corner table to be the real threat. I was sure if they were asked they would all say the table of kids in black and makeup were the ones more likely to drink blood.

After school, Rosalie immediately attempted to enlist Carlisle's help in putting an end to our insanity.

"What prompted this?" he asked.

"They're morons, that's what!" she said.

"Rosalie, I'm interested to hear what they have to say."

She crossed her arms, huffed, and waited.

"It was just an idea, and I don't think it's hurting anyone," I answered, annoyed that she'd brought Carlisle into this.

"Perhaps not," he said. He waited for a more detailed answer, which I never provided. He wasn't going to be satisfied with any answer I gave, because even I knew my rationale was weak so I didn't bother. It was obvious Emmett had simply come along for the ride on this one.

Carlisle was clearly stressed by the conversation. Between Alice's request and our behavior, he was questioning plenty of things, not the least of which was whether it was time for a visit to Alaska to take a break from our masquerade. "Let me say, I would like to dissuade you from this because I think it draws unneeded attention, and I would expect that if any problems arise, you will return to dressing more appropriately.

Incredulous, Rosalie huffed again and went to her room, thus beginning a three week silent treatment.

"In that case, Alice, I think I need some help. How do you get this shit off?" Emmett asked, pointing to his face.

"You could use some help putting on too, and you do realize there are higher quality outlets for such paraphernalia don't you?" she said.

I laughed. "Designer goth? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?"

"Laugh all you want, but given the thread count you're used to, you'll thank me later." With that, she dragged Emmett off for makeup tips and an online shopping spree.

It was amazing how fast our lives turned around as the result of such a simple decision as what to wear.

Emmett was in detention for several days in a row. He swore up and down he did not deserve it.

"I didn't do anything. They've just decided I'm a trouble maker."

The others were suspicious, but I could see it as well. It was unnerving the way people started to look at me. I didn't expect it to matter what my classmates thought of me, but I didn't like it all.

On the second day, Alice made an unexpected decision at lunch. Instead of joining Jasper and Rosalie, she headed to a table where Becky, the girl she'd help with her cheerleading routine, sat eating baby carrots and low-fat yogurt.

We all barely interacted with each other for a few days. We'd pass each other in the hall without a word, and in Rosalie's case, not even a head nod or a smile.

She only broke her silence in group settings and then, it was only to express more of her anger at us.

One night, we were all hanging out in the living room. She was reading. Jasper and I stared at a chess board, while Alice and Emmett were playing cards. Out of nowhere, Emmett asked, "Do you think Marty is gay?"

"Who's Marty?" Jasper wondered.

"Marty Hess, that guy I've been hanging out with."

"He carries a purse, Em. Of course he's gay," Rosalie said. Her tone was condescending and dismissive.

"Why do you ask?" Alice wondered.

"Well, see, I know what people say. I walk down the hall with him and people call him all kinds of terrible names. But I just don't' get that vibe from him when we talk."

"That's because you're too busy sharing eye liner secrets," Rosalie said.

"He's not gay." They all turned toward me. "In fact, this should make you happy Rose. He's been checking your assets all week."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"No, but his thoughts confirm his sexual orientation quite clearly. He's just playing a part. He wants to be a designer, and he knows what people expect of him."

"Why the hell are we having this conversation? I don't give a shit about Marty Hess. He can pick his nose with his toe for all I care. Since when did we sit around talking about the personal lives of humans?" She shook her head and slammed her magazine down on the table. "The only thing I care about him or any of them is that they stay far enough away not to notice anything that might make them wonder what I am. That is what you all should be worried about too!"

After she stormed out of the room, Emmett exhaled. "Man, she's not letting this go."

I didn't want to say it in the house because she'd be listening, but even if I couldn't read her thoughts, it was pretty obvious it wasn't about Emmett's clothing choices. She was used to Emmett's full attention, and she wasn't sure how to handle his new distractions, even if they weren't a romantic threat.

A few days turned into a few weeks. Emmett was invited to dinner at his friend Marty's house and had to decline. Alice's friend Becky wanted her to sleep over one weekend. I kept having to turn down cigarettes and even slightly stronger herbs. I found myself feeling pent up. Instead of my usual apathetic haze, I was edgy and frustrated. The constant teasing, the assumptions, the watching good people get hurt, and the honestly the makeup, were all draining.

Of course, with my mind reading ability, I was always aware of the evils of high school. I knew how painful it was for most humans. The difference was, I didn't usually care. Caring was not particularly fun. I wasn't convinced it was better than boredom either.

I could see the drain on us all. The whole family felt oddly disconnected, even more than the years we'd lived apart. Rosalie wouldn't budge. She was so convinced we had all gone crazy and needed to stopped.

Ultimately, we were not good rebels. We did not epitomize the youth subculture well. To an outsider we were not merely teenagers going through a phase. Instinctually, people sensed something was off about us. As a result, our foray into the fake occult was perceived to be even more dangerous than those of actual teenagers. The calls came from neighbors, classmates' parents, the principal, and even my boss. That's when Carlisle put his foot down.

"I don't often make requests that are heavy handed, but this is simply not working. I've lost two patients this week who assume I must hold animal sacrificing in my basement if these are the kind of children I raise. The rumor is I do foster care to add to my minions."

We all stifled laughs but his expression stopped us from letting them loose.

None of us wanted to disappoint Carlisle. We had no choice but to give in.

Taking off the goth costume signaled the end of more than a fashion trend. When I put on my jeans, and rolled the sleeves of my button down, I knew that I could feel the connection to my classmates fading away.

I wasn't the only one.

Later, I was unsurprised when I once again found Alice sitting with her feet hanging in that creek.

"I'm tired," she said as I sat down next to her. "How is that even possible? Do you feel it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well, I can tell you why. This shit's hard," Emmett's voice boomed from behind us. He plopped down on the other side of Alice, and we all contemplated our weeks as typical teenagers.

"Did you know Becky made the cheerleading squad?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I heard something. That's great," I said, hesitantly. I couldn't get a good enough sense on whether Alice was feeling pride or regret.

"I thought so too. Today she told me I wasn't cool enough to hang out with her anymore. Can you believe that?"

I could actually. I'd heard thoughts like that more often than I could count.

"She doesn't know what's she's missing, Al," Emmett said. His genuinely sympathetic tone seemed to resonate and comfort at the same time.

Alice smiled when Emmett squeezed her.

"Marty kept staring at me yesterday. After about ten minutes, he asked. 'Did you have plastic surgery?' It's harder to fake normal when you get up close and personal with them isn't it?"

We nodded in response. I supposed this was all a good reminder of why we should not get too close. Perhaps, there was merit to Rosalie's tirade after all, not that I was about to admit that to her.

"So, it's going to be weird on Monday," Alice said, "seeing you two without your leather."

"Oh man, that part I will not miss." Emmett looked down at his basketball shorts, then made a motion to adjust himself. "Leather is not very breathable, if you know what I mean."

"I love you, Em," Alice said.

"You're a dork," I responded, laughing.

"Well, not anymore I guess," he said.

"Do you wish you hadn't done it?" Alice asked.

I shook my head, and Emmett said, "Nope. You know what I learned? I like humans a lot, but I'm pretty glad I'm not one anymore."

I smiled because that was the quintessential Emmett. He could take something so complicated and emotionally twisted and make it so perfectly simple.

"By the way," Alice said suddenly perking up. "Becky is going to break her ankle in a few months and she won't be able to be on the cheerleading team. And your friend Marty will have his own line at 28."

We enjoyed a few more minutes in our post human glow before Emmett went off to make up with Rosalie, who had thawed the minute the leather came off.

Alice decided she and Jasper needed some quality time so they took off on a hunt.

I stayed in the woods a while longer, embracing my solitude.

Perfectly simple indeed.

E/N: One final note. Rabbit Hole was nominated for "Best Volturi/Nomad" in the Twilight Vampire Awards. Voting begins on July 11th if you're so inclined. www(dot)twificpics(dot)com(

slash)vampawards(slash)?page_id=198


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